Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell 'D'P that if he won't help with the housework, he can go back to his parents?

64 replies

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 08:48

I am not a housekeeper, being at home all day does not mean cleaning is entirely my responsibility. I have a three year old to take care of, college work to do, I do the food shopping (would do it online, but it's nice to get out of the house) and I don't have the time or energy to do the bulk of the housework too. His excuse is that he's always tired from work. I'm tired too! The least he could do is pick up after himself.

How do I deal with this? It's really getting me down, I don't want to live in a shitpit, but I feel like I don't have any space in my own home.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 08:52

It is not helping, it is pulling your weight in life.

I could not put up with someone who expected me to be a servant to clean up after him/her.

YANBU.

Bonsoir · 30/04/2013 08:58

It's important to distinguish "picking up after oneself" (which IMO everyone should do from the earliest age) and "housework" which is the general collective cleaning, catering, laundry, errands and DIY of a household. If someone in your household isn't picking up after himself, he is probably going to be useless at the collective stuff too and needs complete reprogramming...

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 09:05

I could stay on top of the collective stuff if he picked up after himself, around 80% of the current mess is his crap. But he gets the arse if I just leave it for him to do, asks me what I've been doing all day. Drives me up the wall!

OP posts:
msrisotto · 30/04/2013 09:05

Me and DH hate housework so pay for a cleaner - nice if you/he can afford it?

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 09:08

Afraid not msrisotto, money's tight as it is. Thanks for the suggestion though!

OP posts:
NotSoNervous · 30/04/2013 09:11

Are you me? My DP is the same. Because I'm at home with our 6m old then everything in the house is my responsibility and he does absolutly nothing! Not even pick up after himself. If he gets something out the cupboard it stays on the side until input it away, if he eats in the living room then the plate stays there until I clean it and when he gets a shower his clothes stay there until I put it away Angry anyway I'm sure you get the picture. I get the question what have you done all day too Angry

Oops sorry for the rant

sixlostmonkeys · 30/04/2013 09:11

I had a DP once who didn't pick up after himself never mind do any household chores. I remember when he admitted he really didn't know how to do anything (always had it done for him) So, I started to explain how to clean a bathroom, make beds, hoover, dust etc. I hadn't got very far when he looked absolutely terrified and announced he thought it best if he move back to his mum's. I didn't argue; I just waved him off Grin

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 09:19

Someone who has so little respect for himself and you isn't a partner, but a parasite.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 30/04/2013 09:40

I wondered the same yesterday morning as I removed the left nail clippings from the living room from the night before. Only bonus was they weren't in a mug like normal.

Sorry op I know that's not helpful, but I feel your pain! I've come to the conclusion when you want something doing, just do it, its easier on the blood pressure. I'm still not great at the handy man stuff, but practice makes perfect ay?!

NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce · 30/04/2013 09:49

Don't want to hijack but me too! Now I am on maternity leave my DH leaves everything for me - this morning the breakfast dishes were left on the table, the cereal etc. on the surfaces, even the milk out of the fridge. He doesn't even close the wardrobe door or drawers when he gets dressed! He used to do this before, so I can only assume he thinks I am at home and will sort it - which I do of course. Recently he ask if I could take DD1 to nursery in the mornings to "give him more time" - I was breastfeeding DD2 who is 8 weeks old at the time, and had been up several times in the night. He goes past nursery on the way to work!! I said no, up but feel he only agreed because our neighbour with children the same age takes his DD to nursery; his wife doesn't even have to get ut of bed!! sorry for hijack

fishandlilacs · 30/04/2013 09:57

I made a list of all the things I did that were after my husbands lack of picking up after himself. it ran to 16 things that were just for him. Then I showed him it. he's been better since

badtasteyoni · 30/04/2013 10:00

Not doing the housework is bad enough, but not even picking up after himself is pretty disgusting IMO - he should have been taught that you don't leave plates/cups/towels/etc lying around by the time he was about seven/eight, so if you want to start re-training him, you have a big job on your hands...

lottieandmia · 30/04/2013 10:03

YANBU - it's not your job to pick up after him.

Flobbadobs · 30/04/2013 10:04

I've poosted this before and other posters agreed that it worked for them too. When D was a baby DH went through the same phase of believing I was only there to pick up after everyone else and our house should be a showhome. I also got the 'what do you do all day" comments.
So I did a timetable. I listed every single thing I did from the moment I got up to the moment I went to bed, what time I got up in the night, what time I managed to eat something, the whole lot for 24 hours. I also included the time he got up and went to bed.
I then went to his work, dropped it on his desk and made myself inncomunicado for the rest of the day.
That was 12 years ago. It worked. It shamed him into seeing how much I did on what was at the time very little sleep.
I would do it again in a heartbeat if I needed to but I don't see it being needed. We're a team now.
YANBU and he needs a very loud wake up call.

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 10:06

It's not that he doesn't know, which I think makes it worse. He's quite capable of picking up after himself, but he tends to leave it until I lose my temper and do it myself, or have a go at him for leaving it.

OP posts:
anastaisia · 30/04/2013 10:07

Wow. Don't put up with someone not pulling their own weight in the family home. If you weren't there they'd have to work AND look after their own personal care AND kids AND their house.

If one person is home more of the time then it makes sense for them to do more of the day to day collective work, but it doesn't make you the out of home worker's skivvy to do all the crap they don't fancy doing.

Honestly, this may seem like a minor issue because it's just about housework, but I don't think it is - I think attitudes to housework like this can be an indication of respect and regard for you, and that it can go both ways. Things that start out as just laziness can develop into a imbalance in relationships, because there's a feeling that you're there to do crap for them or what you do has no real value. I wouldn't go along with it at all, I'd make sure that my partner knew that being treated without enough respect was something I was prepared to leave over - and hopefully, with a decent partner, that would mean I'd never have to leave because they'd be horrified to know I felt that way and not fall into bad habits again!

pregnantpause · 30/04/2013 10:11

I know none of will agree, but, I would honestly pack all his shit in a box, dirty, clean, clothes, dishes, everything, and shove it in his car.
When queried I would explain, that I appreciate he is too tired right now to sort his shit out, so I have conveniently put it at his disposal until such a time he sees fit to sort it. It was in my way you see. I will do the same tomorrow.
I would also point out how much I help him by looking after his DC for him, and doing the some of the housework for him.

TwoForTuesday · 30/04/2013 10:13

I sympathise!

My DH is the same; he leaves stuff everywhere. And then when the house isn't to his satisfaction I get accused of 'not working as a team'. I'm quite fed up with it to be honest.

I'm at the kitchen table on the laptop and looking around I can see 2 pairs of his trainers that he's left on the kitchen floor, a box of his work equipment left on the windowsill, his hair clippers left on the table (great idea with 3 kids in the house). His plate from last night on the worktop. The box from the readymeal he had on another windowsill. And for some reason a great big fuck-off piece of cotton wool left in the middle of the worktop.

If I didn't have to clear up after him housework would be so much easier.

anastaisia · 30/04/2013 10:15

Maybe do what pregnantpause suggests - put it all in a box somewhere for him to do when he's in - even the plate and box (if it's not SO messy it would ruin things, ruining things would be going a bit far IMO)

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 10:16

If only he had a car!

I can't really avoid clearing it up today, can I? Ds needs space to play.

He's in so much shit when he gets home.

OP posts:
anastaisia · 30/04/2013 10:22

actually, including the plate and rubbish is probably a bit passive-agressive, I wouldn't actually do that. After thinking it would be great for about 5 minutes I'd go and get them back out. But the things that get left lying round I would. Not in a horrible way, I'd just say 'you left loads of things out so I put them [in box or where ever] for you to sort when you get a chance'

expatinscotland · 30/04/2013 10:23

'he thinks I am at home and will sort it - which I do of course.'

More fool you.

myrubberduck · 30/04/2013 10:28

I bundle up all show stuff that he has left lying around and chuck it in his wardrobe in a big heap and just close the door....

Original poster
grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 10:28

Thing is, if I just leave it, it'll never get done. I'm having a hard enough time sharing my space as it is (got used to being on my own). Maybe I should suggest he go back to his parents for a few days so I can get my head straight?

OP posts:
ChunkyPickle · 30/04/2013 10:34

DP is similar, but he's at least guilty about it, and will pull his weight when reminded/have a mass tidy up every couple of months.

It's not ideal though.. life would be easier if he'd just put his dirty clothes all in one place!

In DP's case it's not lazy, it's not that he doesn't see the filth, it's that he has this total singlemindedness about things - he's very task oriented, so if his task is getting fed then that's what he does, and clearing up is a separate task which might get displaced by the putting ds to bed task, or the watching youtube to relax task - I've tried training him, but he just can't get the idea of picking up as he goes, he has to do things in lumps.