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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell 'D'P that if he won't help with the housework, he can go back to his parents?

64 replies

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 08:48

I am not a housekeeper, being at home all day does not mean cleaning is entirely my responsibility. I have a three year old to take care of, college work to do, I do the food shopping (would do it online, but it's nice to get out of the house) and I don't have the time or energy to do the bulk of the housework too. His excuse is that he's always tired from work. I'm tired too! The least he could do is pick up after himself.

How do I deal with this? It's really getting me down, I don't want to live in a shitpit, but I feel like I don't have any space in my own home.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 30/04/2013 10:36

i would scoop up all of his left on the floor shit, put it in a bin bag and put it outside/in his car/on his side of the bed/ anywhere were i couldnt see it!

LeaveTheBarSteward · 30/04/2013 10:37

You can do nothing and live the rest of your life picking up after him or let him know he is massively taking the piss and put a stop to it now.
No way would I be someone's skivvy, have some self respect, can't believe the number of women on this thread who just run around after their DP.

Original poster

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 10:39

Um, I have plenty of self-respect thanks, if I didn't I would be cleaning up his mess, not bitching about it on mumsnet...

OP posts:

oscarwilde · 30/04/2013 10:40

Heh heh, my DH is about to go on a two week business trip, leaving me with a toddler and a 6 month old, a visit from my deeply unhelpful parents and a return to work in the middle of that trip. Generally aside from thinking that there's a laundry fairy he's not too bad, shoulders his weight with the cooking that sort of thing. But honestly, I keep thinking that him being away will give me another two hours in the day free of clearing up random shite and detritus that accumulates in his wake. If it wasn't from my parents visiting it would almost be like a holiday

Crinkle77 · 30/04/2013 10:46

If I was at home all day I would think it fair that I did most of the housework. What I would not find acceptable is being treated like a skivvy. You are not there to pick up after him and if he makes a mess he should tidy it away. As others have said put it in a bin bag and if you got no space indoors stick it in the garden.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 30/04/2013 10:47

I get this too. But I can never work out who is being unreasonable. My DH does work long hours and I know he's knackered. But during the week he doesn't lift a finger (he is good at weekends though in fairness).

In the morning, he eat his breakfast and puts his dishes on the side...but why can't he put it in the dishwasher??? And, I don't mean to make him sound like he has a drinking problem cos he really doesn't, but when he comes back from work he likes to have a beer in one of our nice lager glasses, then a glass of white wine with me and then he sometimes likes to have a drop of red wine while watching TV. None of these glasses fit in our dishwasher and they all get left for me to wash up! I mean 4 glasses (including mine) per evening. Oh and the beer cans/bottles and wine bottles get left on the work surface for me to put out in the recycling. Or if I'm lucky he'll put them by the back door (if he's going to do that, then why can't he bloody well take them out the back door and put them in the recycling box???!)

But then I get flack from him for the house being a mess. He seems to be blind to the mess that he makes and thinks it's all me. And what gets to me is that he never seems to notice the stuff I have done, only the stuff I haven't. I mean who cares that I've done 3 loads of washing and all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, fed, watered and bathed the kids, been shopping, cooked dinner etc...he'll just notice that I haven't cleared all the kids toys away in the lounge. But he won't pick anything up just to help me out, he'll just point it out. Grrr...!

Despite the above rant, he is a great husband and I do love him to bits, and he really pulls his weight at the weekend, but during the week I'm pretty much on my own.

Crikey, what a rant. Needed to get it off my chest too!

CinnabarRed · 30/04/2013 10:51

Quite honestly, I would pack him off home to his parents. Useless, disrespectful shite that he is. Might give him a wake up call and if it doesn't then at least he's not your problem any more. I hate over-entitled, lazy fuckers.

oscarwilde · 30/04/2013 11:05

@coffeechocwine I've got one of those - likes to use the naice wedding crystal glasses every day and can't understand why I don't - err because you never wash up the flipping things.

SanityClause · 30/04/2013 11:09

He's not long moved in with you?

Well, I would definitely tell him to go back to his parents. If he cares enough about living with you, he will buck up his ideas, and if he doesn't, well, lucky escape to find out before you get any further involved.

Ruralninja · 30/04/2013 11:19

the timetable suggestion is excellent - I also did a version of this once & he was shocked that I felt I needed to....did the trick for about 6 months tho standards have slipped again - might be time for a relaunch!

Original poster

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 11:21

Sanity, he's been living with me for over a year! He does buck up his ideas when I tell him, but then it slips again. I shouldn't have to keep telling him!

OP posts:

Tenacity · 30/04/2013 11:34

I am shocked at the amount of unassertive/passive behaviour detailed here. Why do people (especially women) put up with these less than ideal situations? These are just some of the descriptions of 3 types of behaviours.

"Passiveness: We don't feel that we have the right to be heard. We are uncomfortable expressing ourselves. We may not like the response we will get. We willing back down easily to avoid conflict.

Assertiveness: We are comfortable to express what we think, feel and want. We can express our view and needs without stepping on others, and without anger or attack. We aim for a solution that is a win for all.

Aggressiveness: We stand up for ourselves, even at the expense of others. We use tactics such as loud talking, sarcasm, desk pounding and forcefulness to get our way."

It seems a lot of people fall into the passive and passive aggressive mode, and are not assertive.

I recommend this book. It will change your life. The author lists 11 basic rights. For some people they are self-evident, but unfortunately for a lot others, they are not.

The rights are:
I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life
I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent capable and equal human being
I have the right to express my feelings
I have the right to express my opinions and values
I have the right to say "yes" or "no" for myself
I have the right to make mistakes
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to say I don't understand
I have the right to have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems
I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval

In relating to other I can be
Passive - giving up my rights
Aggressive - forcing other to give up their rights
Indirect - manipulating others to get what I want
Assertive - Ensuring that my rights are respected as well as respecting the rights of others

TwoForTuesday · 30/04/2013 11:39

CoffeeChocolateWine, my DH is exactly the same; makes a mess then moans at me about it, and never notices the stuff that I have done, only what I haven't.

He'll moan about me leaving a (his!!) glass next to his side of the bed, but won't notice that I've cleaned the bathrooms, hoovered and mopped throughout, done 8 loads of washing, all the ironing and cleaned the windows that day.

TigerFeet · 30/04/2013 11:41

They do it because they can. if you continue to pick up after them, they will continue to let you. if your partner is a reasonable human being they will understand that it's not on. DH went through phases of doing this. All his stuff got shoved in one big pile if it's in my way, left where it sat if not. He works far more hours than I do which means that I'm happy to do the majority of the communal household tasks but I refuse point blank to skivvy after him. I admit it took time but hes fully aware that if the house looks a tip its generally because his stuff is all over the place, and if he wants the place to look tidier then he can damn well do it himself. He is an adult and a parent and he pulls his weight accordingly.

This all sounds a bit smug I'm sure, I'll offset that by telling you that it took a fair few rows and pointing out the bleeding obvious, and an ultimatum that if he wanted a maid he could go back to his mum. Thankfully he's a reasonable chap and under the veneer of pampered only child of neatness obsessives is a man who gives a shit when his partner feels knackered and put upon and adjusts his behaviour accordingly. I really hope that thise of you with lazy partners get the same result.

TwoForTuesday · 30/04/2013 11:43

The sulks and moods from my DH just aren't worth it though; he gets so moody if the house is a mess and it puts a dampener on my whole day or weekend.

EuroShaggleton · 30/04/2013 11:46

The number of useless tvvats mentioned on MN never fails to astound me. I don't know any men like this. Not in my own generation anyway (plenty in my parents' generation).

anastaisia · 30/04/2013 11:47

Do you not think that makes it more important to deal with it two? He's basically bullying you into doing the crap he can't be bothered to do for himself. Doesn't seem especially attractive that he'll make you uncomfortable enough to do things to keep the peace instead of using the energy to do the jobs himself!

anastaisia · 30/04/2013 11:49

That's worse than just not wanting to do it but not expecting you to either IMO. If he was just leaving mess because it doesn't bother him that would be one thing, but being stroppy you haven't done it for him is a whole different level really.

Original poster

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 11:50

I think it's because we only talk about the bad stuff, Euro. He's not a terrible person, nor is he totally useless, but housework and general tidiness are very much his weak point.

OP posts:

FasterStronger · 30/04/2013 11:59

housework and general tidiness are very much his weak point

it sounds like an important weak point. what are his positives?

TwoForTuesday · 30/04/2013 12:00

I think he sees it as my 'job' anastaisia, as I work less hours than him

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 30/04/2013 12:10

I don't know any men like this either.

I think you need to decide if this is how you want to live. If you're prepared to compromise and be with someone who treats you like a maid and doesn't respect you, that's up to you. But by staying and cleaning after someone like this, you're effectively condoning their behaviour. It's not a man thing, it's not a 'he's not very good at it' thing - he can't be bothered and thinks that you are fit for cleaning and domestic duties but he isn't. Lovely.

anastaisia · 30/04/2013 12:14

But if you don't like it you don't have to put up with it!

And even if it was your job, would he behave like that with someone at work if he didn't think they were doing their job well enough? Sulk and strop at them? Or would he raise it in an adult conversation with them?

Original poster

grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 12:18

Good points- he's a brilliant cook. Very hands on with ds. He makes me laugh, and he's great in bed! And he loves me even though I'm a bit weird (or maybe because of it!)

It's just the housework. Drives me loopy!

OP posts:

FasterStronger · 30/04/2013 12:22

so does he do all the cooking?

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