to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

[cleoowen]

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

I dunno. I think maybe YANBU to be a bit miffed, and also your mum is not BU by saying no.
Better that she says no, than does it and resents it.
I think some of the posters have been a bit harsh though. To me it's normal for GP's to help out a bit. My Nan looked after my cousins regularly,(and she was raised by her GP's) and my parents have always helped me out regularly.
I know lots of people who were at their Nan's every Friday night for example, and they are, as adults, still close to said Nan.
If I get GC I would say yes to one day a week, and I wouldn't feel like it was a massive favour. I would relish my one to one time with my GC.
My ds is really close with his GP's, because they have cared for him once a week.
It takes a village and all that. Family isn't just this closed unit where everyone has to fend for themselves, all the time.Is it?

My DM who lives ten minutes away, is retired, drives and is in good health also ruled herself out of any regular childcare when my DS were young. Didn't want to be tied. She helped out occasionally when asked but never ever offered upfront. Even now at 10 and 8 my DS are still using after school clubs because she isn't prepared to commit to two hours a week.

I do think its sad though to see GP trudging the streets wearily with prams and looking like they'd rather be somewhere else. I don't understand why some seem unable to say no. Although we've found it tough, I do respect my DM for her honesty.

I think that with people having babies later and people having to work till they're much older - well the days of grandparents doing free childcare will be ending.

I regularly see a 70 year old who looks after several of her gc's every week - I think she has one day off a week. Honestly she looks exhausted and I judge her children for putting too much on her.

I won't be doing Childcare for my kids. Babysitting, yes but not a weekly commitment. YABU

I also think its a bit sad if people feel their children have a close relationship with their grandparents only because they've been childminded by them once or twice a week. A loving relationship isn't based on that. I saw my grandparents once every few months because they lived miles away, but I adored them and had a really special relationship with them. It's way off the mark to assume that the children will miss out unless the grandparents are free childminders.

I agree Janey.

My in-laws have my children to stay individually for a couple of nights every few months - they have a truly wonderful time and are very devoted to each other.

I know a regular arrangement would drive us all mad. And I know people whose family do childcare and it often is a deal with the devil.

Tbh I don't think I would want to commit to looking after my grandchildren one day a week when I retire, not on a permanent basis anyway, and I think your mum has a point - if she does it for you then she has to do it for your sister. If I did it for one of mine I'd have to do it for 3 - eek!

I don't get this idea that you have to childmind in order to have a good relationship with your GC either.

OP - I paid my mum to look after my two for about the first 6 months after going back to work. So that takes some of the sting out of the 'transaction'...but it's still a very difficult arrangement, not all plain sailing just because it's your mum. you WILL have differences of opinion re raising your kids, which WILL leak into your own relationship with her unless you are v careful.

Tbh, I would keep family and formal, regular child are separate - especially if you are doing it as a way to save money.

Could you not find another mum to trade days with instead?
That way you save money and potentially have a built in entertainment plan for the kids to amuse each other...no worse than having twins.
(Nb - I have no personal experience of this, it would drive me bonkers, that's why I work FT)

Of course you don't have to childmind to have good relationship with GC!
But, actually, I do think it helps. When children are regularly with grandparents in the way that the GP are a normal part of the child's everyday life, then GP's become a fixture in the way that the "visit 3 times a year and be on your best behaviour" grandparents don't.

Ouch! That's a slap in the face for grandparents who don't live on the doorstep isn't it!
What a ridiculous stereotype about 'being on your best behaviour' too. I saw my grandparents several times a year but my relationship with them could not have been more special. Perhaps even more special because It was based on time and care freely given without saving a quick buck coming into it...

My kids get on well with their GP regardless of my mum not watching them regularly , I had a great relationship with mine and she would watch me sometimes but she had 16 other grandchildren imagine if she looked after them all , I think the be on your best behaviour comment was a mile off GP dont need to be child minders to have great relationships with their grandkids infact I think sometimes it blurs boundries of parenting, I have seen this in my family with relatives

OP, I think you are being VU. And by the sounds of it, you aren't 'secretly' thinking anything - you have banged on to her about your child having to have sub-standard childcare because she won't help you out which I think is completely over-entitled and frankly rude behaviour. You should be grateful that she is willing to step in in an emergency and I agree with others that this will be invaluable when your LO starts getting every bug going which would otherwise mean you missing work.

Your mother is an adult and her own person, and thus it is perfectly reasonable for her to decide how she spends her time. Whether she has a cleaner or lots of money is frankly irrelevant when it comes down to her making decisions about what she does in her retirement years - she categorically does not have to answer to you. This is the woman that raised you - what on earth makes you think you are entitled to question how she lives her life? She isn't doing anything illegal, or malicious, or nasty; she has just given you an honest answer and quite frankly you need to respect that.

IfNotNow - what a ridiculous thing to say! Talk about sweeping generalisations.....

Op, yes it would have been nice if she'd done what you wanted. But perhaps she doesn't want to look after a small child on such a regular basis. Not everyone does. It sounds as though she really does want to spend time with her dcs though, and to help you from time to time, which is lovely.

My mum is the same and it does hurt, doesn't it? Mine won't even take DD for a few hours, they will only babysit for the evening when she is asleep. My parents are in their seventies and they don't have the energy. I respect this but feel so envious of friends whose parents help out.

I agree that the point about grandparents needing to be unpaid childminders in order to have a close relationship with their grandchildren is ridiculous. My DS adores both sets of grandparents and loves spending time with them and they have never done the 'childminding' thing outside of emergencies. They are very special people to him, and it is great seeing how close he is to them. They are loved and valued members of our family despite the fact that they don't provide year-round free childcare for my convenience.

I do know how you feel though - I've always been very envious of people whose parents help out on a regular basis. Mum died last year, but she helped out during the school holidays and on the odd occasion. She lived 120 miles away so physically couldn't childmind on a regular basis, but she said that she didn't think she would want to even if she did live closer. Still didn't stop her having a great relationship with her GCs who in turn adored her.

Gosh, at what point do mothers get a break? If our adult children think we should still put them first before our own needs and wants, then when is it actually time for a rest? Looking after babies and small children is very hard work and your mother knows this. At her stage in life she is free to do as she pleases.

I wonder who helped your M when you were a baby. Perhaps she didn't work and looked after you herself.

Perhaps op, when your children are grown up you will have more of an understanding of where your mother is at with this. Imagine if you have five children altogether, and they grow up and each have children themselves and then every one of them wants you to look after their dcs for one day a week - you'd suddenly have a full-time job!

She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

What's wrong with that? Why shouldn't she spend her time going out for lunch and shopping if that is what she wants to do.

I think the trouble is, you don't actually respect her decision at all, which is a shame.

The advantage, OP, of not having family childcare, is you don't have to feel guilty. I would feel awful putting on them and would feel obligated in return. This way, you are more free.

Well, sorry to offend, but I think saying that people who use GP's as "unpaid childminders" is a bit daft.
I guess it depends on your cultural viewpoint, and if it's the norm that gp's help out a bit, then it's really not so awful to sort of expect that.
The comment about gp's who care for children sometimes becoming more part of the dc's life is based on experiences within my own family, and my friends families, so I can only go on what I have seen for myself.

After years of bringing up DCs it is, in my view, bliss when they leave home and are finally their own responsibility. So can sympathise with DM's attitude.

Also having a tiny for a whole day would exhaust me, if you aren't into the way of small children it is quite wearing.

But perhaps she will change her tune in time, her pals that she is lunching with might be less available as their GCs come along. You never know.

YABU

If you are expecting your Mum to do this free and gratis then yes you are being completely unreasonable. She has done this once raising you, she is not obliged to do it again.

Your Mum has every right to be a lady who lunches.

Depends also on the GP's lifestyle. Where I'm from many GP's help out and it seems to be normal and expected to a degree. Nearly everyone lives in a mile radius of all their friends and family from birth. But many of these GP's don't have as much going on or much of a disposable income to go out and enjoy themselves. Family is often everything they have in their lives. I know loads of older generation GP's who spend their retirement playing tennis and golf, lots of holidays and have houses abroad, etc. I doubt they have time for looking after GC on a permanent basis.

That sounds like I'm contradicting myself. should read as where I live now (where many folk moved here for work away from family) - the GP's are out living it up or the young folk with kids don't have family close by to help.