to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

[cleoowen]

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

YABU

The whole point of being retired is so that you are free to go on as many cheap/last minute/non-term time holidays as possible. If she has committed a day a week of childcare to you then she can't do that.

it could be worse she could look after your sisters kids five days a week and be telling you she's not helping you!

I understand you being annoyed but she's an adult and she can make her decisions although you're an adult as well and you can react to those decisions how ever you want.

Snowme - your poor Mum! That sounds exhausting. Is the poor woman not entitled to her own life? I would feel absolutely awful if I dragged my parents back from a holiday for anything other than a very serious emergency. Look after your own children FGS.

I an another one I two minds on this... I the past I have provided day care for two of my dgc as well as pt work myself. ... and did it gladly. Now I am ten years older, still have to go work and now have 5 dgc. I do fi d a full day with toddlers vv tiring I must admit. ... much more than when I was 30.

My other thought was .... maybe you dm has been reading mumsnet and some of those threads so critical of older generations care of babes .... she might not want to get into potential conflict over any care she gives you might not agree with ... I started to say this bit as a piece of humour. . But you know it might actually have a wee grain of reality !

Being tethered to a particular childcare regime is not the role of a grandparent. I'd be rather peeved if my kids asked this of me (they're still kids now, so no chance of that anytime soon). I'd much prefer to help out on a ad-hoc basis.

Looking after kids is such hard work. She's done it already!

I wouldn't see one day a week of childcare as just "helping you out". It's a regular commitment. Helping you out would be if she was willing to help in an emergency such as illness or your usual childcare letting you down.

I've got an adult ds and I can't imagine doing childcare for a young child ever again. I really don't think I'd want to. I know you can think, well someone should do it to help their adult child, not just because they want to, but you choose to have children and I think regular childcare is something for you to sort out, not something you should expect from the child's grandparents unless they are really keen to do it.

Snowme, I think your post emphasises why grandparents shouldnt provide childcare. When do they get time just for them?

Whilst you never stop being a parent, you would hope that your adult children can stand on their own two feet and that you can have free time.

After seeing people complain on here that grans give treats, dont follow precise instructions re nap time etc its little wonder they want to put themselves out.

it is hard being committed to a baby yab a little bit U she could have helped but least she gave you a No right away some GP will do it grudgingly because they feel obligated too and moan about it, ( i have heard GP moan ) My mum always said she wasnt a built in baby sitter and I had to accept that, I dont think id be the same with my own grandchildren but I don't think id want to look after a baby every week either,

'even so far as coming back from her holidays early to attend to a minor domestic crisis involving the grandchildren or her children, '

I cannot believe a responsible adult would contact their parent whilst she is on holiday over a minor domestic crisis. That wouldn't even cross my mind.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would be upset if my mum or mother in law didn't want to do it - not least because it's valuable time for them with my son. Time I'd snatch their hands off for frankly.

But I also don't think she is being unreasonable. Her time is her own.

My mum is in her early 60s. She is very fit and healthy, goes to the gym, plays badminton, swims and goes on walking holidays so health is not the reason.

I never said I expected her to do it and would not bring it up now she has said no. I respect her decision but just feel a little mmmmm about it as just feel she could have helped us out. No I don't think it's her job to look after my children but as I said as she doesn't work at all, has a cleaner and my dad works away a lot so I get the impression she has to fill her days she would.

They are fortunate, money is not a problem so paying more for holidays out of term time so not the issue. I just think she could have been nice and helped us out NOT THAT SHE SHOULD HELP US. And no it's not so we can get a bigger house. I work freelance so money is tight at times.

She says oh we haven't seen l for ages and when I said we ate struggling to find a childminder so might have to go to ones with not great reports she said "oh you don't want to do that" which again made me raise my eyebrows as she doesn't seem to realise we would have no choice now she's said no. I didn't say that to her but felt like she didn't want him to go to a not so good childminder which we are having to do as the outstanding childminder could only do two days and without her help we need three. Just feel she shouldn't say these things now.

YABU

I can't see myself wanting to provide childcare for any grandchildren that come along. I could imagine helping out in an emergancy or doing a bit of babysitting but not regular childcare. It's too much like hard work.

Well, I'd be a bit moody given in your circle it seems to be common practice. You can't force her tho', and you are just going to have to make the best of it.

But remember - if she's pulling the 'I'm not helping you because I don't fancy it' line, you have carte blanche to use it back.

Just as you have no right to expect her to be a childminder, she has no right to any say over what childminder you choose. She doesn't have a say over any of it, tbh, you're the mum. So just nod and smile. My mum and MIL offer 'tidbits' of advice all the time. I say, thanks, I'll have a think about that, and then just ignore them. The nod and smile is a useful, lifelong skill.

I'm 43 and if I had to look after a baby one day a week again I would be shattered, I can understand her not wanting to commit especially as you say she goes on holiday a lot.

Thanks kiwi. Just thought it was funny her saying we shouldn't get a cm with not so good reports when we have to because ths outstandingly cm cannot do enough days.

Even one day a week is a tie, and tbh it's far better that your mum is upfront now rather than agreeing reluctantly to something and then flaking out on you. Looking after a young child all day can be quite hard and relentless , and she wouldn't have the same network of mummy friends that you do, and may well feel out of place at baby groups. It also seems that her determination to be fair to all her children is important to her, and she doesn't want to give one some big financial advantage which she can't give them all.

Ultimately you and your partner need to look for other childcare options . And please don't take this out on your mum by using it as a stick to beat her with by linking how often she sees him with whether she's providing you with a freebie . The real victim will be your child. Let him enjoy a no strings relationship with his grandma

I didn't tell her this I just said we couldn't find anyone and were having to go down the list from outstanding to satisfactory because they are all full. This was said even before she said no.

In fairness she had said she will help on the odd occasion and in an emergency and temporarily until we find a cm which I am grateful for. But still feel little bit ummm about.the one day a week, especially if she says she hardly sees him. But I respect her decision and will not bring it up again.

Starsdontshlne sums it up brilliantly .
I have to say, I think you've been very unfair to try to blackmail your mum by talking about the childminder being 'not that good'- what are you trying to do?- guilt trip her into looking after your son when she doesn't want to? hardly a recipe for a positive situation .
I also think you're being naive if you are paying too much attention to ofsted ratings. If you genuinely aren't happy with the cm (and bear in mind that an ofsted outstanding one may not be the best for your child and equally one deemed 'good' or 'satisfactory ' may be just the person you want) then keep looking. Or branch out and consider other forms of care. Ultimately if your mother got sick or moved away you would have to stand on your own two feet, so it's perfectly possible, you just need to accept that her role in life is not to serve your needs

both you and your dh have other things to do besides staying home with the baby. Who are you to think her time us less valuable? I'd hate to look after an infant as an older adult

Quite an even split on opinions interesting.

For the record Janey, I have not been blackmailing her! This was said before she made her decision and was said simply as a true statement.
I am a teacher so don't think ofsted reports are everything but I had to start somewhere when choosing which cm to contact.

Fortunately we seem to have found one and hubbys work.are looking into childcare.vouchers so might only pay for two days anyway.

Yes very grateful for her agreeing to help out especially if I hey extra days work unexpectedly.

But still.feel bit ummm about the one day a week. Her time is valuable but she does struggle.to fill it I think. She would have plenty of friends to meet with as lots of them look after grandchildren.

Oh well she's said no so that's that. But still think would have been nice of her.