to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

[cleoowen]

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

I don't get how childminding or babysitting (presumably when they are in bed) counts as such quality time with a GC that GPs should be jumping for glee in delight that they have been offered this "honour".

'but thought one day a week would be manageable, she would enjoy it and it would make a massive difference to us financially. One reason being that I could be paying for a CM when I have no work. But I know he is our baby and we intend to pay for him and would not ask for money for him at all. I am not being mean at all.'

Here you go again! Me, me, me! Waaa, she is comfy and well-off and has a cleaner and poor us have to pay for a CM (for one day a week) even if I don't work. I'm not mean, she's just a layabout without enough to do. I can see where she doesn't want to do it because then she'd have to do if for my sister, too, but she should is your underlying feeling. The idea that you know what is best for her, because of course, it would benefit you.

It's entitled, it's patronising and is smacks of self-centredness and bitterness.

Get over it! She said no for very good reasons. It was presumptuous to ask her.

God, I'm only 43 with an 11 year old, but I hated the baby stage and would really not fancy a regular commitment like this at all. Your baby, your responsibility I'm afraid.

YABU I'm afraid. I have friends whose mums help them out with childcare and I do sometimes think "lucky them" with one less day of childcare to pay for, but your mum is not being unreasonable by saying no.

I never asked my mum to help us out because one day a week is a big committment. She loves her grandchildren and I know that if I needed her to loook after my DC on the odd day here and there, she absolutely would and would love it. But one day a week is a lot.

And my mum does make a point of saying "what we do for one grandchild, we have to be able to do for all our grandchildren". And I think she's absolutely right and I totally respect that. My parents have 6 grandchildren now.

I know someone who did it for a few months for one daughter and she had no problem with that, as it was only ever temporary, but then she was guilt tripped into doing it for her other daughter "because you did it for...". She resented doing that for a year or so and was then put into an awkward position when she had to say no to continuing for longer.

YABU. She does not want the commitment. If she does it for you she will need to do it for your siblings.
Enjoy using her occasionally and in emergencies. I'm sure she will enjoy that too, and will not resent it as she would, doing it on a regular basis.

You are mid reading what I am saying some of you. I am not me,me,me. I am not patrionising or self obsessed I simply sounded her out about it, that's all.

My post actual asks if I am ur to feel it is a little ungenerous of her to say no, not if she is unreasonable to have said no. I just feel like she could have helped us out not that she should have because I am entitled to it. some of your answers are ott and I don't think I deserve to be attacked.

I said we had to look at not so good cm because all the others are booked and we must have left it too late NOT because she won't have,him for one day. That makes no difference we would stil need a cm even if she had said ok.

When I said she was a layabout and poor us I don't know. I made the decision to go free lance so know that in doing so may have e opened myself up to paying for cm when ha e no work. I will have to suck that up and don't think poor me at,all.

Did you ask her opinion about having a child and if she agreed with it? If not then she has no obligation to look after something you chose to take on

No she doesn't I know that. I just thought she might help us out. End of.

It would have been extremely generous of her to say yes, not "a little ungenerous" of her to say no.

But in fairness to the posters here, you did make judgements about how she uses her time and you also made quite a deal of excellent/good/satisfactory child minders which frankly is going to make your mum feel pressurised. Without actually putting it into those words, you are in effect saying 'look what you've done, we're now going to have to resort to less good care because of you '
It's also illogical because it makes no sense to leave your child with someone who has made it clear they would prefer not to do it! A reluctant relative who isn't even being paid for their time and commitment is hardly likely to be the optimum childcare.

Maybe you didn't intend to come across as entitled but you do seem to think deep down that your mum should do this for you.

Regardless of anything else, respect her decision. My MIL looks after the DN's and when there was only 1 she happily said she would do it as we were struggling to find a place ANYWHERE where we then lived. It would have been a pain for me as I would have had to travel to her, the dh pick up dc. But she said she was doing for SIL (her dd ) so she would do it for her ds (my dh) too.

1 week before I went back to work, knowing for all this time that she wasn't going to do it she pulled out and left me in the sh!t. She couldn't handle it blah blah blah. 5 years on she is still doing SIL, moans that we don't live close because she doesn't see gc until it was pointed out that even if we lived next door she still wouldn't have looked after them as the commitment would be too much.

If she had said NO to start off with we would have been pissed off (because she does it for SIL) but I would have been in a situation where I could have found alternative cc. As it was I had to take unpaid leave instead of returning to work until I had found someone at short notice. I didn't get the days that I needed to work because I had to fit in around someone else, it was horrible both emotionally and financially for a period as well as being stressful as I didn't particularly want to go back to work.

Seriously be grateful, I was only really happy with my cc once we moved . I still feel resentful of MIL for that period as does dh. Yes it would be handy if she did it financially but I hate the way she treats her other gc like her own children and disregards the parents wishes. I got away lightly although financially the burden is quite extreme

OP, I feel your pain, having had very similar thoughts and aspirations that my Mum could have helped us out too and she doesn't - even when I feel I've literally begged.

I'm sure you've also taken on board some of the comments other's have made, but I do, as I say, sympathise totally with you. It's kind of irrational as you probably are well aware of how you 'sound' and all the rational arguments for her not doing it - but it doesn't take away your feelings of pissed 'offness'.

"It would have been nice of her." Yes, it would. But that doesn't mean she should do it.

OP, your PFB child is very young. By the time he's a little older - like your mother's children, who are ADULTS - you will have more experience of the way mothers are expected, from now on, to spend their whole existence being "nice". Caring, giving, helping, nurturing, for years and years and years. And not just to our kids, either - to the whole world, because we are the mummies.

Frankly, whether your Mum has chosen to spend her fifties/sixties watching TV, raising petunias, babysitting her grandchildren or browsing the wide range of erotica that the Internet has to offer, it is her choice to make. You may find, one day, that you feel like doing the same.

YABU

I have 3 children and there is no way I will provide regular childcare for any of them when that time comes. If I live near to them I would help in an emergency or do babysitting but would rather be 'granny' than a childminder.

I have seen many grannies at toddlers etc and a lot of them have looked pretty tired/fed up and not always been up to running after a toddler in my opinion.

Chidcare is expensive but that's life.

It would have been ungenerous if she made it clear to you she was not available at all - no emergency back up, babysitting, etc.

You have a sister who has a child. It's only fair that what she does for you she does for her other grandchild. That would mean 2 days/week at least.

i think the op still doesn't realise how much a work a baby is. 18 weeks is easy, her mom knows full well the actual work that the baby will be in 6 months time, and sensibly saying -No way

Oh, god, I blocked out the potty training and teething. Oh, and the learning to feed themselves. And the toddler stage where they get into everything. And put everything in their mouths and everything is a potential joking risk. And the state of your house.

Totally with expat you are saying you understand her decision and then in the next sentence that you feel a bit hmmm

I think you were bang out of order to have asked I should have thought it would be obvious she would have volunteered if she wanted to do this and you are lucky she has offered to do ad hoc stints

Cant believe all the stuff you've come out with about her cleaner etc as if that has anything to do with it

yes, expat and having to baby proof everything. And being allowed to have vases and plugs and whatever you want anywhere you want in your home

YABU.I have 3dc and my eldest, married dd has already asked if we would look after future children for 2 days per week, when they have them. I have very clearly sai d No- we will be retired and don't want to be tied down.
If all 3 dc had children and the same aexpectations, we would not be able to enjoy our retirement.We paid gor childcare ourselves, as they were our children, so I expect my dc to do the same. Of course we will help when we can, but not a regular commitment.

Oh, god, yes, Hull. DS is 4 and he is still Hard Work, but we can have things at floor level these days. To go somewhere, we just toss their jackets and shoes at them and go, no bag required. They use toilets, cutlery, beds and tell you what they want to eat. They play with other children. They no longer catch every cold or stomach virus going. They even get in and out of the bath themselves and take their plates and cups to the kitchen. They watch entire films and turn the telly on and off themselves.

NO WAY I want to go through all that baby/toddlerhood again.

Thanks guys, you're making it sound very appealing. I am only going back to work 3 days a week maybe I should increase,it! Lol

Ah but looking after your own is different! Well... Mostly! 3 days is a great balance - it's what I did from when my kids were a few months old, but you really do need to sort out proper childcare. Looking after anyone else's children is a totally different ball game - even when they're related.