to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

[cleoowen]

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

I'm a proper fence sitter on this subject so much so I regularly have to remove splinters.

My own DM looks after my brothers (plural) kids she's very maternal and a mother earth type, loves everyone's kids not just her own and has consequently saved them all an absolute bloody fortune. They take the piss out of her I think.

On the other hand, my MIL refused to look after DSD when my DH and his Ex split - said she'd done her child rearing which is true. His ex had just asked for an occasional day here and there when her shifts conflicted. It wasn't even a weekly thing. She now has no contact what so ever with her grand daughter and I think it's partly her own fault. She wasn't prepared to put any effort in and help thereby creating a bond and now complains that she doesn't see her.

MIL kept telling me to go back to work and she'd look after the children for us. When I did... she swapped days at work to help out dh's secretary look after her grandson so her DIL could return to work. As this DIL worked a 4 week rota, it meant I couldn't have the same days every week.

MIL was a bit shocked when I did go back to work. She then said to me when ds went to school "I'm retiring, would you like to up your days at work!" I burst out laughing and said "I have upped my days as childcare is 1/4 of what we used to pay!"

Lesson, regardless of how much money it will save never rely on family!

YABU to decide whether your mum is "really" busy or not. If she says she's busy, she probably feels that's true. People have different tempos and tolerances for activity, and they change throughout life.

YABU about it. It would have helped you out but it's not her responsibility to provide childcare. She's done her time.

YABU

You don't have to listen to her moaning about not seeing him though.

Honestly just count yourself lucky. At least your mum has been honest. I persuaded my mum to look after my first DC in similar cicrumstances, and it was a bit of a disaster. I think (although she didn't actually come out and say it) that my mum really came to resent the commitment; she was fairly unreliable - very quick to cancel or try to change days when something came up (she also goes on lots of holidays and trips away, but sometimes she would even cancel just because she'd been invited out for lunch, or because she had a bit of a cold, or absolutely had to go shopping that day to get a dress for a wedding that weekend, and the rest of the week was too busy with social engagements).

When she did look after him, she spent a fair amount of time expecting him to fit in with what she wanted to do (lunches, shopping, nice trips to art galleries ), then seemed quite annoyed that he had behaved badly (in the context of a year old child) and she'd had a difficult day.

After about 6 months of this we cut our losses, upped his hours in childcare, and she went back to being just granny. And it's great! We all get along well, she visits frequently, takes the DCs out, and babysits on an ad hoc basis (when she was doing her day a week, we didn't feel we could ask her to babysit at other times). But never, ever again would I rely on a relative to provide unpaid regular childcare. It's the quickest route to a fall out I can imagine if the relative isn't really up for it.

Sorry op but yabu. It would be lovely if she could she would turn into my saintly mil who not only over parents my dn x2 but over rules her parents constantly.

It is also detrimental to the relationship my dc have with her. And it would cause resentment, I feel massively resentful of cc I pay for whereas sil gets it for free. Unlike you dm though mil doesn't want to look after mine to split the time and fairness!

(and now wonders why we don't live near by, we can't afford the bloody cc woman!!!!!!) grr

YANBU to feel as you do, but you would be if you said anything.

YANBU.

I think as a mother you don't just wash your hands of all responsibilities as a parent when your children become adults. In the circumstances you describe - one day only, flexible on hours - yes, I think your own mum should try and help you. I certainly would for my kids if I was able to in years to come.

However, she won't so unfortunately that's that

She is entitled to say no. But you are entitled to feel she is a bit less devoted to her gc than other grandmothers, who do choose to help out.
Both my dm and dmil would have bitten my hand to do this when dc1 was a baby (with two - not so much!). Yes your mum has "done her turn" and is entitled to holidays, leisure activities and lunches - but so are the army of grandparents who manage to do these things and play a carer's role for the gcs. I do think some people take advantage, but I don't think once a week falls into that category.
Maybe she will morph into a gm who is good at babysitting, entertaining him while you nip to the shops or whatever - just not at an actualy day's childcare.

It is her decision. I think my feelings would be hurt if my mum refused. I would love to look after my grandchild more and am very jealous that the other gran lives closer to them.

I have mixed feelings about this. We have my DGS one day a week (on the other three days that my DD works, he goes to nursery). We love it, to be honest, but it is hard work and we hand him back with a sigh of relief and put our feet up! We always try to do things with him that my DD and her husband don't have time for, so tomorrow, for instance, we will go to the coast, weather permitting, and play football on the beach.

Shortly we will be having my DGD (my DS's baby), whilst her mum goes back to work. We knew that we couldn't cope with the two of them, or give DGD the attention that we have given DGS, so we are having her on a different day - so that is now two days when we have commitments (we've never cancelled so far, and have stepped up to the plate when DGS was ill, for instance). DD is now on maternity leave and new baby is expected in three weeks' time, so we will end up with two children on the same day later in the year in any case. The arrangement we have always had with DD is that we would be able to go away on our holidays as usual.

The thing is that because there is me and DH one of us can always have a little bit of a rest if need be. I understand your frustration, OP, but your mum may feel that it would all be too much for her.

I always feel sad when I read about GPs refusing to help with babysitting or childminding. My DSs are 31 and 29 and one lives 300 miles away and the other in the USA. I know that if/when they settle down with partners and have DCs we will be too far away to help on a regular basis - we will only see GCs on visits.

I would be thrilled to childmind GCs -maybe not five days a week but would definitely be up for 2 days at least.

My Mum took my 15 year old nephew in and he's been living with her since, she drives my eldest to school every day, picks her up and her cousin from school every day, regularly has her grandchildren sleeping over at weekends or even during school nights (ages range from 4 upwards), drops absolutely everything to help them even so far as coming back from her holidays early to attend to a minor domestic crisis involving the grandchildren or her children, provides for them financially whenever she can, little things like pocket money, gifts, parties, buying treats and taking out to dinner a the supermarket, buys them clothing, school uniform, ...

And your Mum doesn't want to help you out just one day a week ?

Different strokes for different folks, eh ..

it's her decision and that's fine, although you are understandably annoyed, it's much better this way if she's not up to doing a good job of childcare, or would just expect to drag your DS along on whatever plans she already had without actually putting much effort in - your DS will probably benefit much more from being with a committed childminder or at a nursery.

Although it's interesting you're on maternity leave now and she's already complaining about not seeing him - but then does she put much effort into coming to see you/making the time? is it one of those cases that she is complaining about not seeing him much but she doesnt want to sacrifice any of her other plans/activities to make the time to see him? She's whinging without actually wanting to do anything about it? (A bit like the people who complain about being fat but then still eat crap and do no exercise, they want a certain area of their life to be different but don't want to put the effort into making it happen). If so, I wouldn't bother listening or putting yourself out to fit round her other plans.

YABU.

YABU if you feel she should help you.
Maybe she could be if she does not want/feel able too better to be honest now than to reluctantly agree then have an awkward situation if she changed her mind.
FWIW I am expecting my first in 3 months and when I go back she is going in nursery 4 days a week even though my mum is retired and a v fit healthy 60 year old. I want her to enjoy her grandchild without obligation or arrangement, I know she would help in an emergency and I am very very lucky to have her living close enough to do so. I think mixing formal childcare arrangements and family relationships could very easily be a recipe for disaster so would rather avoid that.
I hope you find another CM who can provide what you need, good luck.

I can see why you think she could help out even if it was on a temporary basis. But she is probably used to being able to go on holiday and so on when she wants to. And then she thinks it might be unfair on your sister who might want her own child minded.

YABU

Perhaps she gets tired or has some health ishoos that would put her off looking after dc even one day a week. I'm only 43, but the idea of looking after a toddler again would turn me grey and I just wouldn't be able to do it. I don't particularly like small children tbh.

I also wouldn't want to be tied down like that. Your mum has done her child rearing bit and obviously wants a rest and to live her own life now.

Granny here, who currently minds a two year old grandson for two days a week.

Be grateful that she has thought it through and told you at this stage - there's a whole army of put-upon grandparents out here, feeling they have no time to enjoy their retirement, but unable to say no to their own child. I meet them often - parks, libraries and museums are full of them, and since parents are starting families later, these grandparents are often older, and less fit, than I am (66).

I knew what I was taking on, and I love looking after children - however, it's a bit much to suggest that grandparents should do it for the sheer joy of being with their grandchildren. Sometimes it's nice just to be visited for a few hours - when you're regularly minding, you can be facing 8am-5pm days at a stage when you might have imagined you'd be enjoying a more leisurely lifestyle.

I have four children; another grandchild is already on the way and it's likely that there will be more within the next couple of years. I sometimes wonder how we'll cope. My children are lovely; they wouldn't make me feel bad if I couldn't go on, but I know the need is there, so I feel unable to say no.

I understand you are disappointed, but I think you are being a little U. My DPs do one day a week with my nephew, and it absolutely exhausts my DM in particular (she's a lot older than my DF). She told me this morning they will be doing two days a week for 6 weeks shortly - she is so worried about it, but feels she cannot say no. I worry a lot about her health - as lovely as DN is, he is too much for her. A baby is such hard work, and your mother has been very honest with you and told you she can't do it. I wish my DM had been able to do the same.

My MIL said when I had DS1 that she wouldn't be able to look after him if I went back to work- I completely understood why she said what she did and I wouldn't want to put upon her or FIL in the first place.

Children are hard work and it must be very tough when you're older.

I believe family are not there for free childcare.

"My Mum took my 15 year old nephew in and he's been living with her since, she drives my eldest to school every day, picks her up and her cousin from school every day, regularly has her grandchildren sleeping over at weekends or even during school nights (ages range from 4 upwards), drops absolutely everything to help them even so far as coming back from her holidays early to attend to a minor domestic crisis involving the grandchildren or her children, provides for them financially whenever she can, little things like pocket money, gifts, parties, buying treats and taking out to dinner a the supermarket, buys them clothing, school uniform, ..."

If your Mum likes doing all that, and has the energy/time/financial resources, then that is fine. That life wouldn't appeal to me, though. I have friends I like to see, places I want to visit - and other interests outside family. I didn't have a chance to do them when I was young because we couldn't afford the time/costs.