to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

[cleoowen]

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

'But still.feel bit ummm about the one day a week. Her time is valuable but she does struggle.to fill it I think. She would have plenty of friends to meet with as lots of them look after grandchildren.'

Wow. How nasty and entitled. Says more about you than her, really.

I didn't tell her this I just said we couldn't find anyone and were having to go down the list from outstanding to satisfactory because they are all full

That was a bit guilt trippy

Well I have always done it but I regard it as a privilege not a chore. Ask yourself if you want your ds looked after by someone who would rather do something else. I see her point about future dgc too. If she says yes to you she can't refuse your siblings and could find her time/energy used up very quickly. Will she help out in an emergency? I'd just look for another cm/nursery if I were you.

Still feeling 'mmm' and 'ummm' about her not giving you free, regular childcare. And banging on about how she can't fill her days, their fortunate situation, their holidays and money. She 'could have been nice'. All sounding very bitter.

You keep saying your respect her decision, but the bleat on about feeling 'mmm'.

Good grief! Didn't you consider this before you chose to have a child, or just assume she was going to this for you for free?

My mother's in a similar situation, except she hasn't worked outside the home in 46 years.

So? I would never expect her to look after my kids on a regular basis for free.

I'm 43 and the thought of looking after a baby or small child for more than a few hours makes me want to reach for the gin!

I didn't mean literally blackmailing her- it just came across as you having talked quite a bit about the difference in childminders and used the terminology of 'good' and 'satisfactory' which frankly is nothing to do with your mum. She wouldn't be able to have an opinion on the care you are going to use if you hadn't told her all the ins and outs and really it's very hard to not see it as guilt tripping.

Childcare is yours and your husbands responsibility to sort and pay for. I feel sorry for grandparents whose 'value' is judged in financial terms, or by how much they revolve their life around their adult children. A good relationship with grandchildren isn't all about quantity and childminding. She has made her position clear which is honest and fair of her and you really need to accept that it's her life and whether you think she has enough 'free time' is none of your concern

I'm 43 and the thought of looking after a baby or small child for more than a few hours makes me want to reach for the gin!

1 of my dds is of an age where she could have a baby and im 42 and the thought of looking after a little baby fills me with dread I don't think I would want to offer child care . I know some people will think im being harsh and heartless, but I read somewhere that grandparents feel guilty for not offering to have GC and then resent it when they do, I have an aunt who had 3 GC regularly and she was exhausted and frustrated as she didn't follow her daughters 'rules' and it caused tension ,

I think childcare is one of those things that you have to sort out for yourself and if anyone offers help, treat that as a nice bonus.

I know some people who have gradually managed to browbeat both sets of grandparents and a family friend into effectively providing six days a week of free childcare. No-one wants to do it, but they all started off with "just a one off" or "just Wednesdays" and have gradually found themselves sucked into doing 2 or 3 days every week and overnights And now they don't feel able to refuse because the parents have apparently made all sorts of work arrangements that can't be changed.

Perhaps your mum has heard similar stories.

I think the OP mum has been honest and up front she didn't ummm and ahhh about it, a mum of a mum doesn't automatically mean free child care if they don't want to do it, yes some grandparents love doing it, but some not so much, op be pleased your mum was unfront and didnt do it and started resenting her grandchild

Come back and complain if she doesn't actually offer the ad hoc help with chilcare either! Other posters are right to say that is invaluable. Dh and I have barely a second to spend worrying about whatever child is sick, before we start fighting over whose turn it is to tell our boss we can't come in

Good for your mum and least she had the guts to tell you no rather than be guilt tripped into doing something she doesn't want to.

What she does with her time in none of your business and even if you think she struggles to fill it. In truth she probably doesn't and is happy potting around, seeing friends and generally enjoying her later years.

I can see both sides here, I am a mum and a nanny. I absolutely love spending the day maybe once or twice a week with my little grandson and would happily look after him one day a week if mum wanted to go back to work . However I am exhausted after a day with a 3 year and I'm only 56. I am still teaching infants on a supply basis as I adore being with children, but not all the time! It's much more pleasurable for all concerned if we have little one when my partner (grandad) is home as well so we can share the job!
If mum was at work I would expect her to have back up emergency if we were unable to have him due to illness or holiday etc.
I can also understand why some grandparents would not want to do this, that is entirely their own choice, everyone is different.
My parents don't particularly like children and I was always secretly a little disappointed in their lack of anything to do with my children if I'm honest.

I wouldn't do it. Dsd has no plans to go back to work (as childcare would be too expensive) but if she did and asked me to have dgs I would say no.

I have done my share of childrearing including dsd and my youngest is still only 6 (I'm 49). I won't be doing anymore.

I will, and have, helped in an emergency.

I think it is exhausting looking after a baby or toddler. For an older person for a whole day that can be a big ask. I said earlier I wouldn't have felt comfortable expecting it of my childs grandparents even just as a one off. My friend went back to work and left her baby with her mother (in her 60's) full time who was going through aggressive cancer treatment. The mother offered as it is often expected where I'm from (big families who all live a 1 mile radius of each other) but i thought it was a huge undertaking.

Anyone in their 20's,30's or 40's has no idea how much you physically slow down in your 50's and beyond.
What I could manage aged 50 bears no resemblance to what I can manage at aged 60.
Okay I work full time now, but come the time when I am enjoying a well earned retirement, if one of my offspring asks me to look after their offspring on a regular basis..... well they know better than to ask!!!!!

I had to find paid child care, and do all sorts of different jobs that fitted around my four, and I expect my offspring to do the same.

Was about to post then saw expat's, but feck it. Nothing in the OP's OP or later posts has shifted from the basic "I respect her decision" but "hmm". In other words, OP, you don't respect her decision at all, but have piled on a load of stuff about age and income which is all irrelevant.

As for the struggling to fill her days!! How patronising is that? And looking after your DC would be so fulfilling.

As for the struggling to fill her days!! How patronising is that? And looking after your DC would be so fulfilling.

this made me I think a lot of adult children think their parents should find the grandchildren a pleasure to have as if it is an extension of their parenting duties, bugger that they have brought up their children doesn't mean they want to bring up ours

my lady has the same issue as her daughter constantly demands that she does things like looking after her son, picking her up from work nearly daily - despite the fact that she's offered to pay for driving lessons, and buy a car for her...but that's not moving any further forward... :(

YABU OP.

I'm in a similar position. Work freelance, 2 days a week. My Mum has always said she'll help out in emergencies, but doesn't want a regular 1 day or 2 days a week. Fair dos.

TBH in reality, her being there for us on the very occasional times when we desperately need someone to look after DS2 (i.e. when the CM is ill or DS2 is ill and I have to attend a meeting) is far more beneficial and much more appreciated than a weekly commitment. On those times, I could bloody kiss the ground she walks on!

There will be those times OP (particularly working freelance) and you need to appreciate the fact your mum is able to help out those times. You are just struggling at the moment to find a CM, which is stressful. You will feel less 'hurt' once you've got a CM on board for 2 days and your mum in the background for when you really need a helping hand!

Just to throw my oare back in, it might seem like a long way off now and the hassle you are going through but believe me when I say the days when she does emergency care or is happy to babysit/ have dc for an overnight and they both love being with each other whilst giving you and your dh a break together will be much much more appreciated.

I wouldn't like to put my dc upon my dm, my df is a handful having become incapacitated by a stroke although he is much much better, so I don't feel it would be fair. However school holidays she is desperate to have them so I can work, or she will have one or both for an hour whilst I go an do a supermarket shop or head to a meet up, or instead of babysitting at my house will have them overnight so that dh and I can go out.

She will also have them in an emergency. Its good routine for my dc, treat time for me and my dc and my dps'. Take those days and treasure them. It is far far more useful than saving yourself the day fee of a cm. And it is more willingly done. Ofsted means jack all to me as long as my dc are happy and thriving. If you like the person, you like the situation, choose that way. Or do what I did which was start off at a nursery with the full intention of finding somewhere better/posher/blah blah she stayed until school as she loved it, I loved the staff and it worked. Just because ofsted didn't think it was outstanding didn't mean that we didn't.

I have talked about age and income etc because people have asked on their posts and just to highlight how more expensive holidays out of term time are not the issue for my mum like someone stated. I talked about age and her lifestyle as someone said it may be her health which is the issue and wanted to highlight that it is not. I would not even ask if she was in ill health. I think one main issue is the fact she would feel like she would need to look after my sister's ds so it would creep up to two days which I can understand would feel like quite a lot.

Anyway, she came around today and said she would help us out the odd day if needed and is going to help out when I go to the spa with my friend in a few weeks so I am grateful for that. I said a big thankyou to her. I do respect her decision actually, but I can feel alittle bit like she could have helped us out at the same time.

You may be right, I would probably be much more grateful when she can help out in an emergency or when I get an extra days work unexpectedly.

I would not ask her to do any more than a regular one day a week during term time as I think anything more is asking too much as I do not think it's right to burden gp with full time childcare, but thought one day a week would be manageable, she would enjoy it and it would make a massive difference to us financially. One reason being that I could be paying for a CM when I have no work. But I know he is our baby and we intend to pay for him and would not ask for money for him at all. I am not being mean at all.

How dare you tell your mother, an adult, what is reasonable?

Take a listen to yourself.

Cleoteacher - are you the Op, I'm confused.

You don't really know how looking after a baby/toddler all day will tire her out whether she plays badminton or can climb Everest. also, how do you know she'd enjoy it - having a commitment with such responsibilies?

Sounds like she actually helps out and is quite supportive already.