fuming with DH

[brummiegirl1]

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

I think she is thinking as she goes along, so her posts show her developing thoughts about it...

YANBU I'm betting you do all the night waking as well.

All very fine and well to say get a dishwasher but the OP has already said she hasn't got room for one. She has also already said that her dp won't take on the bedtime duties. She probably wouldn't mind if it was a one off but it doesn't sound like it is at all and it sounds like he does bugger all apart from create mess once he gets in from work.

LaQueen, I do agree to a certain extent with what you say about being a SAHM.
But all he has to do is wash some dishes. Or put his kids to bed.

If the OP was sat down all day doing nothing and expected her DH to come in and do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry that's different.

But he is at home all evening, has nothing to do except eat his dinner them either wash the plates or put his children to bed.

Meh, he normally does it, don't you ever not bath the kids and just throw them in bed with a story because you're knackered? Everyone's allowed an off day, I think ringing him at work was OTT too, couldn't it have waited until he got home?

If he gets in at 4.30 he should be able to do some tidying up or childcare. I would get a dishwasher too. You could try asking him to cook one night a week. And then he might be a bit more appreciative of your cooking.

So it's actually a case of him being really messy and making more work for you as well as not doing what he's supposed to be doing. You are entitled to be very cross - it's not fair on you at all!

Has this gotten worse since you've been on maternity? Do you think now that you're at home he's expecting you to do it all?

OP Your DH is a lazy, disrespectful twat. YANBU

Yanbu and I am guessing this is part of a bigger picture of him not pulling his weight.

If he didn't want to do the dishes last night he could have got up ten mins earlier to do them before he went to work. But he didn't he just left them for you to do.

So he moans he doesn't like the dinners you cook and moans he doesn't like washing up but has refused the offer to swap so he can put little ones to be whilst you wash up..

Its not a ltb situation but you do need to talk and come up with a situation you both are happy with.

If he is home at 4:30 there is no reason why he can't do dinner.

And I am a sahm, my dp works crappy long hours and when he isn't here yes I do it all, but when hge is home we are both on duty, we make sure we both get time off or if one of us is tired the not so tired one will offer to do more etc, but its done with discussion. One side doesn't just not do their share because they can't be arsed.

Not that our relationship has always been like this, it has evolved and required a kick up the backside at times!

We have a small kitchen as well and you can't leave the dishes etc as then there is no space to make the next meal etc and I hate getting up to dirty dishes, esp if they have been left to soak and you have to reach into the cold manky water to pull the plug out... Yuck yuck yuck.

Ooh let me join in with the chorus of "buy a dishwasher"

Bet OP hadn't thought of that!

(and her kitchen is too small if you rtt!)

I think I am actually crying here. And not with laughter.

OP, YANBU. What Hully and various other posters have said. I particularly love the outrage that you would dare to call him at work about a domestic matter. Hahaha, DH is a SAHD and would have no issue calling me at work about a domestic matter. Because we're adults. We can multi task and if I'm at work that does not mean I suddenly lose all ability to think about things at home. In fact, I am about to do the online shopping order from my desk after I write this MN post!

IF DH is regularly not pulling his weight and clearly he does not seem to think the should be sharing the child and home care duties, then YANBU to have an issue with it and to discuss it with him, repeatedly, until things change. If he gets home at 4:30 then quite frankly I am gobsmacked he's not doing more. I don't get home before 7 most nights, but I still do the cooking and DH and I share the tidying up.

I don't think the dishwasher idea will solve anything. All that would do is move the arguement to who loads and unloads the dishwasher. And if dh is a lazy arse he will load it all wrong, nothing will get clean properly and op will still end up doing it again.

WellI'm not sure what time dinner or children's bedtimes are for OP-but seems to me that the husband could have an hrs sit down when he gets in & still have time to cook a meal & help with bathtime & washing up!

Why can't he cook, then?

Presumably he eats as well as OP??!!

I will never ever complain about loading and unloading the dishwasher, I am bloody grateful that a man invented it in the first place!

Your whole set up is wierd.

He never cooks? You ask him to approve your menu plans? He never puts his children to bed?

He is acting like an entitled arse and you are facilitating it. The first time my DH complained about a meal I had cooked him after looking after his children all day would be the last time I cooked for him. Ever.

If I were you I would greet him at 4.30 pm with a ham sandwich for his dinner and a bottle of expressed BM for the 10 month old and go out to the cinema for the evening.

*wierd = weird

melika - 'I think you are lucky to have him cleaning, full stop.'

This may be one of the most depressing things I have ever read on MN. I am genuinely disappointed in the 'community' here that there seems to be a large faction who think that the OP should just pick up her husband's slack, be grateful that he ever does any housework or think that because they also put up with this kind of crap that everyone else should.

DoJo, me too, but it's the real world innit.
Men get away with so much and yet women live with them so they can't admit what it is really like or their lives would come apart.

No one has commented on the half an hour a day = 23 working days a year thing. Nobody wants to see it that way. how would you feel if you found out that all the men at your work have 23 days more annual leave than the women? Ok about it? Be glad they turn up any days of the year?

LaQueen, I did refer to lots of other posts on this thread that I found annoying too. Yours was later after I had already written my first post so you got your own. (Lucky you.) I was annoyed already by the posters on here attacking the OP and then annoyed by your not-explicit-attack but effective (even if not deliberate) reinforcement of a status quo where men can't be expected to wash up. Do you think the OP has a point or not?

x-post - I see you have answered that

I like Hullygully and Curryeater In fact, I would like to find the applause emicon...

OP - YANBU. firstly, the jobs were agreed and talked about. Secondly, he didn't tell you he didn't do his, and by doing so created more work in the morning plus wasted food.

It's not a "job" looking after the house and children as there are no holidays, sick leave etc and its 24/7. So it's only fair that the other halfs help out a bit as discussed and agreed. If not, you became even more exhausted, resentful and fed up with no time for yourself. From the sounds of things, this isn't the only issue so its probably time for either OP's DH to take over bedtime or to pull his finger out and do the agreed share of chores.

Kansas I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not part of the time-travelling 1950s housewives that seem to be on here today [hmmm] so you're not suggesting that the OP washes up whilst she cooks the dinner to spare her diddums DP from having to do them...

If you were suggesting that he joined her in the kitchen to do them whilst she cooks then that leaves 2 DCs, one only 10 months old unattended in the living room which isn't very wise.

This is so simple, I can't see why there's been such a drama. Two adults live in the house, they both should do chores until they're done and it's time to rest. Alternatively if one doesn't feel like it, they should say so and make time, preferably early the next morning, to do the job they didn't do and not just leave it to the other partner.

Why are people making out that the OP is in the wrong?