fuming with DH

[brummiegirl1]

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

[clippityclop]

So change things! Unless there's anything else more serious going on I think you just need to compromise, can't be nice for dc if there's an atmosphere about household chores. How about you both take it in turns to read to each child, and then do the dishes together after they're asleep? Do you really have that many? They're little for such a short time and bedtime's really special at this age, share the pleasure. Get a dishwasher, unloading and loading it takes about 10mins tops all in in our house and there's four of us too. If you started batch cooking/freezing that can cut down the washing up big style. Get dc into good habits, clearing the table as soon as they're tall enough to reach the table top too. Good luck.

[clippityclop]

So change things! Unless there's anything else more serious going on I think you just need to compromise, can't be nice for dc if there's an atmosphere about household chores. How about you both take it in turns to read to each child, and then do the dishes together after they're asleep? Do you really have that many? They're little for such a short time and bedtime's really special at this age, share the pleasure. Get a dishwasher, unloading and loading it takes about 10mins tops all in in our house and there's four of us too. If you started batch cooking/freezing that can cut down the washing up big style. Get dc into good habits, clearing the table as soon as they're tall enough to reach the table top too. Good luck.

[greenformica]

maybe don't cook for him if he fails to wash up the night before? Explain he needs to pull his weight. Pile up all his untidy mess in a box - bills, washing, sweet wrappers etc - just chuck it all in together out of your way.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I am relieved this thread took a turn for the better.

I couldn't believe what I was reading earlier on.

[Branleuse]

maybe something was dripfed or i should have read 6 pages of washing dishes, but if i couldnt be arsed to do the washing up one evening, i really wouldnt expect my dp to call me up and give me shit down the phone about it.



I am a lazy arse though

[LisaMed]

You can get table top dishwashers. Mine cost @ £200.

I am in no position to advise otherwise. I had to get a dishwasher as no-one else can/will wash up. I came home from A&E shaken after suspected heart attack to iron shirts. Good luck.

[greenformica]

rotate chores? He can cook alternate nights and put the kids down while you clean the dishes?

[Portofino]

Arghlink

[Portofino]

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Susan-Maushart/e/B001K7OYQI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1366916764&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 proper link]

[Portofino]

[http://www.amazon.co.uk/Susan-Maushart/e/B001K7OYQI/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1366916764&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 Wife work] innit?

[Portofino]

And you have to make a point of not simpering and thanking your dh for loading the dishwasher / putting bins out / putting kids to bed.

[flippinada]

I started reading this thread and wondered if I'd accidentally happened upon StepfordNetHuns.

Thank goodness common sense has (generally) prevailed.

[Portofino]

It always come down to having equal time off in my opinion. If you are a Sahm, you are still working. If you have full on tiny children you are not going to get much done really. If you have older / more amenable ones it should not be a trial to do some housework. Chores need to be divided up according to the particular circumstances in your house. And you should both get some relaxation time.

[Inertia]

Hully's 9.44 post sums it up completely. You are meant to be a team, you agreed how to share the tasks, you did yours, he cannot be arsed to do his.

When he is at work, you work too- you are providing childcare for two very young children. When you're both home, you both share the tasks.

Just a suggestion- how would it work if you put BF baby to bed, DH puts older child to bed, then you clear the kitchen together?

[Portofino]

DH even.

[Portofino]

FarmerNell, and I bet she had a slack arse eh as well

[Baroozer]

YANBU. If that's the deal you made, that's the deal you should both stick to. You did. He didn't.

I'm not sure I would have phoned him up about it, but I would have definitely handed him the cooking stuff and the children as soon as he got home. He doesn't do his job one day and I have to do it for him, the next day it's my turn not to do my jobs, and he can pick up the slack.

[FarmerNell]

melika actually it was a woman who invented the dishwasher

[nenevomito]

p.s. Dishwashers are not a known cure for being a lazy arse.

[nenevomito]

I am pretty at some of the responses on this thread. DH and I both pull our weight around the house and even when I was off on Mat Leave and at home with the children, he never saw it as it being my job to do all of the housework. We share things pretty evenly. He doesn't 'help me' with the house work, we both do it as its out house. Ditto the kids - although he tends to do a bit more because of the hours I work.

Men aren't incapable of doing housework or helping the woman by doing housework. If someone decides that they're suddenly not going to contribute as they can't be arsed, then they are behaving like a nob.

[ItsYoniYappy]

Gah... threads like this make me pleased I am single, even if I do have to all the dishes....

I may get a dishwasher, seems the answer to everything on MN, get a dishwasher and cleaner and all will be well.

Op has a dishwasher, her DH. She doesn't need another one

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

It sounds like isn't just about this one incident to me, rather a build up of resentment.

Your DH is so lucky to be out of the house for such a sort amount of time for work - is he not excited to see the children when he comes in? My DH can be out 12 hours a day and still comes in to do bath time at 7pm as he looks forward to seeing our daughter (and otherwise would hardly see her). I can then get on with dinner.

I think you need to have a proper chat about how you divide household chores fairly and how you can both get some downtime. It's not fair that you feel you shoulder the heaviest burden. Also talk about how he views your role - does he think that housework falls to you as you're at home all day? In the day, my focus is DD - as a SAHM, I did not give up work to clean! So, if it's a bit messy when he gets in, so it is.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

WHY WHY WHY do people think that when a woman becomes a wife and mother, a man loses the ability to clean? Presumably he cleaned when he lived alone, he cleaned before they had kids. Why does he lose the time, ability or expectation when they have kids?

The rule here is that DH does the same as he did when I wasn't at home and I do a bit more (because we no longer have a cleaner). Why should he do less? It's insane.

Thank fuck for AnyFucker, Tantrums and Hully and all the other non-handmaidens.