fuming with DH

[brummiegirl1]

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

[brummiegirl1]

Would love a dishwasher but don't have the space for one, only have a small kitchen.

[Squitten]

You say it's not a one off and you seem to be hinting that this is a bigger issue than a few pots and pans one night, which is not a big deal in the scheme of things.

So, bigger picture. Do you feel you are doing everything about the house and he doesn't? Is he hugely messy? You sound really resentful and I'm wondering if there's more going on...?

[Whoknowswhocares]

Wow, not the usual response for this sort of thread!
If it is indeed fine that adults 'sometimes' do not bother with their agreed responsibilities in a shared household, may i suggest you not decide to cook for him tonight
I doubt if he would still consider it acceptable behaviour

[redskyatnight]

StuntGirl Absolutely it should be ok for OP to occasionally feel she's had a bad day and doesn't want to do the cooking/bedtime routine.

Cooking is "my" job in our house, but somedays I am too tired and so we end up just having beans on toast/DH cooks or we get a takeaway.

Equally when the DC were younger there were some days when they got scrambled to bed in the shortest time possible because neither of us could face doing a proper bath and reading loads of stories.

In a family, there absolutely has to be some give on take on "jobs" and acceptance that on the odd day it is ok to do the bare minimum or leave it to someone else. The key thing is whether it is give and take or whether one person is doing all the giving. It's not really clear from this post which is the case in OP's household.

[HollyGoHeavily]

You are right to be annoyed at this - as a one off it's fine but not if he's making a habit of not doing his share of jobs. And all this 'oh he forgot, leave him alone' annoys me - he didn't forget, he chose not to do it because he knew that OP would have to do it in the morning. He didn't mind shirking his responsibilities and increasing her workload.

I think you need a serious talk with him about taking you for granted...

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

Yabu if its one night and he normally does it. Everyone is entitled to a do nothing evening every so often.

If its a regular thing then he needs to be pulling his weight somewhere else, especially as his work hours allow this.

[pictish]

Well...this is clearly not about the pan (which while minor is still an annoyance, I hate getting up to dirty dishes in the morning...yuck) but about the bigger picture.

[cornflower123]

YANBU. No way are you being petty! Especially if it's regularly like this.

However, phoning him at work doesn't sound like a good way to resolve this. Sit down and have a reasoned discussion about it so you're not accused of 'nagging'. Like Happy said, suggest varying the routine because all this washing up/bedtime stuff gets boring! These are necessary tasks which have to made as 'fun' as possible!!

[Finola1step]

It sounds like you both need to grow up a bit and realise that you are meant to be in this as a team. Him leaving the washing up is not on but, nor is ringing him at work. If my husband rang me at work to give me a serve over something so trivial, I would be very abrupt and vice versa.

Are you really considering breaking up your family because of day to day, mundane nonsense. How would you tell your children later on. "Daddy didn't like doing the washing up so Mummy told him to leave". Do you understand how ridiculous this is?

Talk to each other in a calm manner and agree the next steps. Maybe you could settle baby in your room and your husband can settle toddler in their room. That way both children will probably get to sleep quicker and then you can both sort out what needs to be done.

[curryeater]

I am appalled by some of the responses on this thread.

"nag" - that is a misogynist word used to silence women standing up for themselves

"in her head" well either the OP asked her husband to do it explicitly, in which case she is a nag, or she thought he would get that household tasks should be shared, in which case she expects him to be a mindreader. She can't win.

"petty" - no it isn't, it is part of a pattern where brummie's husband is taking advantage of brummie's time and labour

"the odd time of not being bothered with it is allowed" - really? My work isn't like that. When I go to meetings to discuss progress where the tasks were shared out the week before, I have to have done my bit. I don't get to say "I was tired" or "I didn't fancy it" or "I would rather someone else did it".

I get really upset when I see other women (presumably) attacking a woman for expecting reasonable partnership at home, and defending lazy men who are exploiting the sexist status quo in order to get more time sitting on their arses.

[mrsjay]

you phoned him at work because he didnt do the dishes seriously that is quite petty , imo it is dishes so what he didnt do them he isnt a child , let him but the kids to bed sometimes and let him be involved in the night time routine for a change, I cant get over the fact you honed him about dishes even if it annoyed you , please relax and unclench

[whiteandyellowiris]

if he gets in at 4.30 in the afternoon, he should be doing alot more to help
yanbu

[glenthebattleostrich]

I get where you are coming from OP. DH thinks that because I work from home that means i have time to work the same hours as he does in a week and still do all the housework. As I don't have the commute apparently I don't get as tired, despite starting work at 7 am 4 days per week, and working until 6 without a break usually.

If he says he will do the pots he should do it. If you are petty like I am you could just not be arsed to cook dinner tonight or do the laundry! I like to add a little passive aggressive into the downright aggressive mix!!

[brummiegirl1]

Squitten-he is very untidy, i have spoke to him about it over and over. It is worse now as being home on maternity leave i'm obviously seeing it more, when i was at work i was not in the house so not a problem as much. I find it frustrating that i tidy the house and its undone straight away when he gets home.

I have stopped picking up his clothes and i put them in a pile at the side of his bed. It just really gets me down. It's only a small house. i feel i tidy up all the time and have nothing to show for it.

[Hullygully]

Take a valium, pop some lippy on and give him a blow job because we seem to have all gone back to the fifties judging by the utterly terrifying shit posted by most.

[curryeater]

x-post with Finola:

"Are you really considering breaking up your family because of day to day, mundane nonsense. How would you tell your children later on. "Daddy didn't like doing the washing up so Mummy told him to leave". Do you understand how ridiculous this is? "

how is that ridiculous? What about "Mummy didn't get any respect from Daddy, who expected her to be his domestic servant. Mummy tried to explain this to daddy, but it didn't go in, partly because he was supported by a culture which allows men to treat women like this, so she decided not to put up with it any more"

[Hullygully]

I would have taken the dirty pans to his work and hit him over the head with them.

[Hullygully]

This is my favourite post, from Ginger Rogers:

You sound a bit of a nag. Are you looking for things to pick fights about? Fgs, just roll your eyes and get on with it

Your namesake would weep

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Seriously you're fuming over a few pans? you've expended more effort phoning him, arguing and then typing it all out on MN than it would've taken to wash them

If it's every night have a word with him, if not, chill.

[curryeater]

Does anyone remember the poster who put all her dp's dirty pots in his car? I thought that was a genius solution. Some people on here were appalled, they are probably the ones who think this op is "petty"

Brummie, I feel your pain. Maternity leave and small children is hard enough without some idiot scattering his crap about your workplace all day.

[redskyatnight]

curryeater Household/family jobs aren?t like a paid job. There are some jobs that have to be done e.g. making sure the DC are fed, safe, looked after. There are some jobs that can be left e.g. the hovering.
MN is littered with threads along the lines of ?fancied a lazy day, so am just pottering about at home? and ?I meant to clean the bathroom today, but don?t feel like it so will do it tomorrow?.

If I?d been as annoyed as OP I?d have put the pans in a washing up bowl and left them till the evening for DH to do. Would that really have been so bad?

[Hullygully]

Forget the bloody pans.

There are two adults

There are two jobs

They agree to do one each

One can't be bothered and just leaves it for the other

HOW in WHAT UNIVERSE is that okay?

[brummiegirl1]

Hullygully- your response made me laugh!

[Meringue33]

Yanbu. Nothing worse than coming downstairs for breakfast and finding a manky kitchen. Just as well you are bf otherwise you'd be worried about sterile surfaces.

If he is home at 4.30pm he should be doing the cooking as well as the washing up IMO! We have a 15 week old. My DP doesn't get home til 7pm but as soon as he does he is sharing the work; will cook dinner if I haven't managed it yet, or hold baby while I finish getting it ready. One of us will try to settle baby for bed while other washes up and wipes down kitchen, everything is done before we go to sleep though often neither of us have any me time at all.