fuming with DH

[brummiegirl1]

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

[5madthings]

Whoever said dishwasher were invented by a man is wrong, the first dishwasher was invented by a woman, Josephine Cochrane.

[CMP69]

If you are a SAHM do you not expect to do all the household tasks?
I work 9-2, take ds to bfast club, go to work, come home, 30-40 mins chill time, pick up ds, bit of telly for him while I have a quick tidy, homework, ds tea, dh comes home does bath bed and story, I do tea, he fills dishwasher/washes up.
He does stick the odd load of washing on, but usually because he needs his running/squash stuff clean!

[Branleuse]

cant you just leave it for him to do in the evening??

Is it really a big deal?

[ChunkyPickle]

I would have (and do) leave that for DP to do in the evening. I refuse to nag, but my disappointment shines through (and I hate that that sounds like I'm treating DP like a child.. I really shouldn't have to)

I'm SAHM/work part time, and I most certainly do not expect to do all the household tasks! I don't see why I should be up with DS at 7, then look after him/clean/do whatever other boring tasks need to be done until I can finally drop into bed (which presumably I should have made/changed) after cooking dinner, doing bedtimes, and doing the washing up, while DP gets himself ready, heads to work (has tea breaks, eats out for lunch) and swans back in to dinner and TV in a clean house at night with no responsibility to do anything more than put his socks in the washing basket (actually... he doesn't do that.. I have to hunt for socks)

Screw that. Just because I had to have the child, just because that means it made sense for me to stay at home and go part time, doesn't mean that suddenly all the menial stuff is my problem (or OPs) - we both wanted a child, I certainly didn't want to become chief cook and bottle washer on top of it all, and don't intend to.

[AnyFucker]

christ, there is some man-pleasing shit being displayed on this thread

[Finola1step]

Hi curryeater. Let me clarify a point for you from my previous post as you replied to it earlier. What the OP's husband is doing is not on. But the OP is not dealing with this particularly well either. The OP herself has said that she doesn't want to break up her family for this.

I am perhaps coming at this from a different viewpoint because last week my dad passed away. My mum and dad had been married for 44 years. And yes the way in which the OP's husband treats her is very important but, the washing up being a potential deal breaker is a flipping joke.

[Patosshades]

The washing is only one in a long list of things this man excuses himself from it sounds like.

It's so depressing that so many women settle for so little from their partners.

OP when you say he won't put the children to bed, why does he get an opt out clause. They are 50% his children too, he needs to get off his entitled arse and pitch in with the boring grind of family life.

[Overreactionoftheweek]

I know someone has already mentioned it but the "lucky to have him cleaning full stop" comment has awakened my rage monster!!

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Men don't get a medal for doing their fair share of childcare and housework - that's what a partnership is all about.

You'd really pity my dh, I tell him all the time that although I'm grateful he's an equal partner in everything, I'm certainly not throwing a parade in his honour because the alternative would make him a lazy twunt.

Op, your dh needs to pull his weight and you were quite right to call him at work. By not doing the pots, he made your life more difficult in the morning and he needs to realise that

[MajorB]

Glad you're one of our generation Kansas not sure that set up would work in the OPs house by the sounds of their layout.

But I think the OP should suggest that her DP cooks dinner, puts the kids to bed and washes up tonight because she doesn't feel like it.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

WTAF, the OP is lucky that her husband does some cleaning!?!?!

He's a grown fucking man! She cooked for him and put his children to bed, and he expects to sit on his arse and have her run about doing his jobs too?!

The OPs "job" is looking after 2 young children, if she manages to get any extra housework during the day, then she's doing her DH a favour. He should not be "helping her out" as it's his responsibilty too, it's his house!

I'm actually disgusted by some of the responses on here!

OP YA N BU.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

OP, seeing as you did your jobs last night, AND his, how about he does the same tonight? He can cook dinner, put the kids to bed, then come back downstairs and clean up. Fair's fair.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

WHY WHY WHY do people think that when a woman becomes a wife and mother, a man loses the ability to clean? Presumably he cleaned when he lived alone, he cleaned before they had kids. Why does he lose the time, ability or expectation when they have kids?

The rule here is that DH does the same as he did when I wasn't at home and I do a bit more (because we no longer have a cleaner). Why should he do less? It's insane.

Thank fuck for AnyFucker, Tantrums and Hully and all the other non-handmaidens.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

It sounds like isn't just about this one incident to me, rather a build up of resentment.

Your DH is so lucky to be out of the house for such a sort amount of time for work - is he not excited to see the children when he comes in? My DH can be out 12 hours a day and still comes in to do bath time at 7pm as he looks forward to seeing our daughter (and otherwise would hardly see her). I can then get on with dinner.

I think you need to have a proper chat about how you divide household chores fairly and how you can both get some downtime. It's not fair that you feel you shoulder the heaviest burden. Also talk about how he views your role - does he think that housework falls to you as you're at home all day? In the day, my focus is DD - as a SAHM, I did not give up work to clean! So, if it's a bit messy when he gets in, so it is.

[ItsYoniYappy]

Gah... threads like this make me pleased I am single, even if I do have to all the dishes....

I may get a dishwasher, seems the answer to everything on MN, get a dishwasher and cleaner and all will be well.

Op has a dishwasher, her DH. She doesn't need another one

[nenevomito]

I am pretty at some of the responses on this thread. DH and I both pull our weight around the house and even when I was off on Mat Leave and at home with the children, he never saw it as it being my job to do all of the housework. We share things pretty evenly. He doesn't 'help me' with the house work, we both do it as its out house. Ditto the kids - although he tends to do a bit more because of the hours I work.

Men aren't incapable of doing housework or helping the woman by doing housework. If someone decides that they're suddenly not going to contribute as they can't be arsed, then they are behaving like a nob.

[nenevomito]

p.s. Dishwashers are not a known cure for being a lazy arse.

[FarmerNell]

melika actually it was a woman who invented the dishwasher

[Baroozer]

YANBU. If that's the deal you made, that's the deal you should both stick to. You did. He didn't.

I'm not sure I would have phoned him up about it, but I would have definitely handed him the cooking stuff and the children as soon as he got home. He doesn't do his job one day and I have to do it for him, the next day it's my turn not to do my jobs, and he can pick up the slack.

[Portofino]

FarmerNell, and I bet she had a slack arse eh as well

[Portofino]

DH even.

[Inertia]

Hully's 9.44 post sums it up completely. You are meant to be a team, you agreed how to share the tasks, you did yours, he cannot be arsed to do his.

When he is at work, you work too- you are providing childcare for two very young children. When you're both home, you both share the tasks.

Just a suggestion- how would it work if you put BF baby to bed, DH puts older child to bed, then you clear the kitchen together?

[Portofino]

It always come down to having equal time off in my opinion. If you are a Sahm, you are still working. If you have full on tiny children you are not going to get much done really. If you have older / more amenable ones it should not be a trial to do some housework. Chores need to be divided up according to the particular circumstances in your house. And you should both get some relaxation time.

[flippinada]

I started reading this thread and wondered if I'd accidentally happened upon StepfordNetHuns.

Thank goodness common sense has (generally) prevailed.