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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

154 replies

SlumberingDormouse · 24/04/2013 13:25

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped Blush so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

OP posts:
CocacolaMum · 24/04/2013 13:42

YANBU. I used to have MAJOR issues over my OH's ex. Mainly because she was a dirty cheating skankwhore engaged when she started seeing my OH behind her fiances back. It didn't sit well with me at all that they were exchanging texts and messages but after a few years of snooping (I know I know, not proud of it) and having arguements about it I realised that it didn't matter and every time she sent him a message such as "do you remember our secret meetings?" or "nobody has ever known me like you did" my lovely OH would reply with something like "blimey, thats sad. How does your husband feel bout that?" until it dawned on me that I could actually trust him (big deal for me, I don't do this easily) ..

You aren't alone in this, I bet its a more widespread issue than many would admit too, just remember she sounds like a fucking train wreck and your DP knows this more than anyone x

SirBoobAlot · 24/04/2013 13:46

If he's decided to remain friends with her, and you're not happy with it, you either need to suck it up or walk away. Know it's a tough one as DPs ex is similar to her, but there's nothing you can do to make him act differently; it has to be his own call.

FWIW DP now has no contact with her ex, through his own choice, but it wouldn't have happened any quicker if I had stamped my feet and said ''You're not seeing her''.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2013 13:53

God she'd have some front to only pay back some of the money she owes him and blow the rest on a flight from Oz.

And if he puts up with that, he needs to grow a spine and tell her he wants the rest of his money.

I think that's the only issue I'd have with it to be honest.

abbyfromoz · 24/04/2013 14:02

If i didn't know my DH better i would say are we talking about the same EX? Lol... This happened with me. It will take a while (6 years now!) but she will piss off eventually. I ended up having 'friendly' words with her although never met face to face- just explained how i felt and that since they had parted ways and were clearly moving on with their lives, perhaps so much involvement was unnecessary. I said nothing against you as a person but ex relationships on the scene while new relationships are developing is inappropriate and a little disrespectful to the degree which she was trying to be involved (he still paid her phone bill!!!) no hard feelings- she's now married (finally someone else's problem) and seems to understand that skyping, visits, contacting parents in law to say she misses them etc is really encroaching on another woman's territory and although i realise they shared a good deal of their lives, now i am the one sharing his life and she needs to BACK OFF! lol...Wink

Original poster
SlumberingDormouse · 24/04/2013 14:30

Thanks so much for the responses so far. I've found them very reassuring.

CocacolaMum - you've hit the nail on the head and the situations you mention sound very familiar! I DO trust my DP as he has never given me any reason not to. I am blissfully happy with him and this is literally the only thing we've ever argued about in a year. I just don't trust his ex. I think she is a toxic person and doesn't deserve to be in his life given the way she's treated him. FWIW, I'd feel the same way if it were a friend who had treated him so badly.

SirBoobALot - I agree. I accept the fact that they are still in touch though obviously I'd prefer it if they weren't. For me, I am more than willing to put up with this since he is such a brilliant DP. I'm not going to ask them to stop speaking from time to time, but I will put my foot down if she makes such a long journey just to visit him.

WorraLiberty - she's a train wreck - can't hold down a job, etc. Frankly I'm just happy my DP got some of the money back (albeit a fraction of what she owes him). To get all of it back would be nice but I'm not holding my breath... I'm picking my battles on this one.

abbyfromoz - That's good to know. His ex is contacting him less than she used to so I'm hoping it will eventually dry up. She does have an uncanny knack though of posting on his wall right before I have an important interview or something! She's like a dog with a bone in terms of insisting that they stay in touch whereas he's not really bothered and rarely replies to her messages these days.

OP posts:
JustinBsMum · 24/04/2013 14:31

Keep tabs on things then if she is coming over you can arrange to be away for hols or similar with DP just after she arrives, make sure you are with DP on any meet ups (preferably just after she arrives and is totally jetlagged) and anything else to scupper her 'reunion'.

Original poster
SlumberingDormouse · 24/04/2013 14:40

Haha this is true. She nearly visited a few months ago (she called it off at the last minute) and she wanted to meet him on a day when I was working and couldn't change it. She also wanted him to collect her at the airport and take her out for dinner at 'their restaurant', Hmm but I nipped those in the bud straight away when I found out. I really didn't want them to be alone together. He says we'd be miserable if we met but in my mind, them meeting up alone isn't appropriate in this situation. I'm hoping it'll never happen but dreading it will as she is very keen!

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 24/04/2013 14:45

this is not helpful. but I would be tempted to drink a bottle of wine, log into his facebook and defriend the bitch

LIke I said, not helpful!!!!

diddl · 24/04/2013 14:48

Doesn't matter if you trust her or not-it's him!

If he can be trusted, there's no problem!

That said-I do wonder why he keeps in contact with someone who treated him like shit.

I've never stayed friends with exes-been polite if necessary-nothing more.

Original poster
SlumberingDormouse · 24/04/2013 14:48

I'm friends with her too. I like keeping my friends close and... Grin

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 24/04/2013 15:24

Why on earth does he want to be mates with someone that treated him like shut and still owes him money?

Does he have a spine at all? Or is there a reason he let's her walk all over him?

AprilAndFrank · 24/04/2013 15:41

I don't want to come across as mean but you said you snooped about behind his back. Thats really not a good sign that you trust him.

And if theres no trust in the relationship it's probably not going to end well.

Original poster
SlumberingDormouse · 27/04/2013 10:47

He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists. I've just had a lovely few days with him only marred by her calling him. A long-distance phonecall when she has no money - for what?! He didn't pick up. Most of the time he ignores her and then she emotionally blackmails him into responding. I want to get over this but it's hard. Just when I think I'm feeling better about it, she bloody PHONES him when we're on a romantic break together. Or posts private jokes on his FB wall the morning I have a job interview. Or something. It could all be a coincidence that she pops up again at the most inopportune moments but she's very manipulative so I think not. It's bloody irritating and sets off those feelings of annoyance and yes, jealousy, every time. I'm probably massively overreacting by now to simple things like calls and FB posts but they all set off the feelings.

I do feel bad for snooping but I needed to know that there's nothing still going on with this girl. I've been cheated on before and won't be taken for a fool. I didn't and wouldn't look at any of his other emails. I would only snoop on specific concerns - I'm not proud of it but think it's understandable giving the level of contact they had when we first started dating. FWIW, he actually knows I snooped (I told him). He wasn't thrilled but understood why I did it.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 27/04/2013 10:58

She can insist all she likes, if he cuts contact, defriends her and ignores her efforts to get in touch she can't be his friend can she?

The problem is your partner, not this woman. If he wants to stay friends you need to suck it up and accept it. If he doesn't he needs to suck it up and end the friendship.

TidyDancer · 27/04/2013 11:01

This isn't a decision for you to make I'm afraid. If your DP wants to stay in touch with her, he will. And I don't believe that he doesn't want to stay in touch with her, if he didn't want to he wouldn't. No matter what is said.

I also think the snooping is very bad and tbh it doesn't sound like you have a wonderful basis for a relationship. You don't trust him (if you did, you wouldn't invade his privacy like that) and you want to get involved in his friendships. It is not up to you which friends he has or if he spends time with them.

Not trusting your DP in the early part of the relationship is not a good sign.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/04/2013 11:19

Why are you 'nipping it in the bud' and not your partner?

The where, why and when of him seeing her aren't your business, if he is a decent guy he will realise its inappropriate and tell her himself, if he isn't then he will go along with it. Also the money is none of your business either. He isn't a child who needs looking after and protecting from this 'manipulative woman'.

Honestly, you sound a bit controlling. I wouldn't put up with being told who I could meet up with and where, and I wouldn't put up with someone snooping around in my emails/texts either.

GlassofRose · 27/04/2013 11:21

"He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists."

Sorry OP, but your DP is responsible for their friendship. If he didn't want to be her friend then he could easily delete her off his Facebook, block her, ignore her calls/texts. If he really didn't want to be friends with her he wouldn't agree to possibly meeting her if she visits.

If I was being annoyed by an ex partner and they moved so far away that they weren't a problem then unless I needed the money they owed I think I'd cut my losses and count my blessings.

I sympathise with you, but like other posters have said, you can't choose your partners friends. I'm with stuntgirl on this, your partners the problem not her.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 27/04/2013 11:29

If your partner doesn't really want any contact with her then he needs to grow a pair and end it now. The fact he hasn't says more about him than his annoying ex. Why not be upfront with him and ask him why he continues to have contact with her considering she's treated him like shit.

shockers · 27/04/2013 11:31

She probably thinks that as she still owes him money, she has a reason to keep contacting, and he has a reason to respond.

I'd cut my losses and tell her to keep it.

NotTreadingGrapes · 27/04/2013 11:36

And you have proof of all this madster behaviour do you? Or has he told you?

Because it sounds so very familiar from so very many posts on MN y'know. He is an angel, she is a bunny boiler....

Dp has a bunnyboiling ex, also in Australia. I know she is a BB because she used to tell me she was a witch and could magic me away. She used to ring me, night and day, and moved into my apartment when I left it.

She is not on dp's Facebook. Just saying like.

NotTreadingGrapes · 27/04/2013 11:38

Does he pick up her phone calls when you aren't there?

Hissy · 27/04/2013 11:42

Sorry love, but you don't have an Ex problem, you have a DP problem.

If he knows how much you are pissed off by her OPENLY stirring, why is HE not the one that nips this in the bud.

After a year, you have some kind of right for him to have dealt with his baggage and moved on.

He does need to write off that money, tell her that he wishes her all the best, but that he's got enough decent friends around him, and a great girlfriend, and he doesn't want her wasting her money/time or life hanging on for him.

It's not being cruel, it's being honest and she deserves little more than that, given her cheating etc.

I'd have a serious conversation with him, lay down your boundaries and say you have been patient enough, but that enough is enough.

Hissy · 27/04/2013 11:43

My Ex had a flaming psychotic Colombian Ex for 10 bastard years.

I should have made him the Ex, the week I met him.

specialsubject · 27/04/2013 11:50

joining the chorus - she's on the other side of the planet so she's easy to ignore, IF your partner blocked her on facebook, didn't take her calls, deleted her emails etc.

is he rather enjoying the attention?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 27/04/2013 11:59

She lives in Australia. It would be really easy for your DP to have zero contact with her. She cannot force him to be her friend unless she has special powers that can work their way through the internet into DP's computer... Basically, there is a want on both sides, for whatever reason. If she is such a loon, why is he still in contact with her? Even the most spineless man in the world should be capable of clickng on "block" on Facebook security settings.

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