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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

154 replies

SlumberingDormouse · 24/04/2013 13:25

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

OP posts:

Rainbowdrop8 · 01/05/2013 12:34

I really don't think it should be you sending that message to her, it should be your DP. Have you discussed sending it with him? What if she contacts him when she gets it to say that you are 'hassling' her?

He should be the one to ask her to back off, if he doesn't then you know.

NotTreadingGrapes · 01/05/2013 12:40

Dormouse, you are turning into your user name.

HE NEEDS TO DO IT.

She will simply (and actually, rightly) think you are a jealous, possessive witch if you do it. If he won't do it, then everything you are being told on this thread has been confirmed. (like it hasn't already)

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2013 12:40

Why the hell does he still want to be friends with her after everything she did to him?

Original poster

SlumberingDormouse · 01/05/2013 12:41

If I send it, I'll run it past him and send it to both of them. He agrees with me totally but I think I have more guts...

OP posts:

Original poster

SlumberingDormouse · 01/05/2013 12:43

"Dormouse, you're turning into your username!" Thanks for the wake-up call; it made me laugh! I actually have a sleep disorder, hence the username. You're right. It's a stupid idea. I'll write it to work my feelings out, and maybe show DP, but not send it to her!

OP posts:

NotTreadingGrapes · 01/05/2013 12:44

He doesn't agree with you totally or he wouldn't, and you wouldn't, and she wouldn't, be in this situation.

He needs to send it, he needs to get rid of her. And you need to make him see that. And if he won't, then there's your answer.

You doing it is playing into both of their hands. And he is just loving it. Not one but two psycho women fighting over him. It's a dickhead's wet dream.

Wowserz129 · 01/05/2013 12:45

Op this is ridiculous! Why on earth would you send the ex a message?

She is just going to think you are making him reduce contact and he doesn't want to which will fuel things for her further.

You dp should be the one doing it and if he really have a shit he would just block her!

If you honestly could see your situation from an outsiders perspective I really think you are being taken for a fool.

He said it would upset him if you asked him to cut contact, there's your answer. He is obviously emotionally invested in her.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 12:48

How is this bloke even able to get through a day, hold down a job ???

Is he really so pathetically spineless that you have to baby him and do his dirty work?

You are being played, why are you not listening ??

You are coming across as ridiculously naive, and yes, a dormouse

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 12:50

If he agrees with you, you wo'nt have to tell him to write her a message, he'd just do it - just block her from FB, just dump her calls, she lives on the other side of the world, how long will she keep it up if he never replies to her texts, e-mails or phonecalls?

He hasn't stopped contact with her because he doesn't want to

You need to understand the truth of this, he wants to be in contact with her. He wants that even though he knows it upsets you, he wants that even though he know it risks his relationship with you.

Is there more to their split than he's told you? Because he's acting like he wants her back and/or feels guilty.

NotTreadingGrapes · 01/05/2013 12:59

I said 5 pages back that dp had a mad Aussie ex as well.

He finished with her to get back with me (we had split for a couple of months) and for about a year she was a whackjob.

He and I laughed about it. She would stand in the bushes outside my flat and he would open the window and shout "Jennifer, go hoooooooome". When she started ringing me up and telling me she was a witch who could get him back if she wanted, he and I went to see her together. To show her that he and I were an item, and it was time for her to go. I didn't even get out of the car. It was enough for him to have taken me with him to see her.

She's been in Queensland for the past 10 yrs and there has been no further contact. But if there were, he would be terrified (because she's a serious whackjob) he wouldn't be maintaining contact of any kind out of pity. I know that totally 100%.

Could you say the same of yours? I don't think you will ever feel safe in this relationship while she still breathes tbh*, because it's about him, not her.

Please note, I am not advocating you hit her with a shovel and bury the body.

samandi · 01/05/2013 13:08

YANBU. Normally I'm all for exes keeping in contact, remaining friends etc. but she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

SanitaryOwl · 01/05/2013 13:24

Log into his facebook account, defriend and block her. Job done.

I never condone this sort of thing normally, but no court in the land, etc ...

Original poster

SlumberingDormouse · 01/05/2013 13:33

Lol SanitaryOwl, I could very easily do that.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 01/05/2013 13:38

What's all the lolling about, SlumberingDoormat Dormouse?
There is nothing amusing about your situation whatsoever. It's quite pathetic actually.

Xales · 01/05/2013 13:40

It is not your place to contact her. It is his (if he wants to).

You will look like a controlling GF and just be laughed at.

Tell him to grow a spine and stop letting you be the mean mummy who says he is not allowed to play with her.

GlassofRose · 01/05/2013 16:20

By sending her a message or even considering it, then OP you are actually missing the point still.

"we have been trying to get rid of her" Wrong. You are trying to get rid of her, if he wanted rid then he would have deleted her off facebook, ignored her calls etc and problem would have been solved. He doesn't want to get rid of her or he would have... she's on the other side of the world, not exactly hard to stop contact.

ladyjadie · 01/05/2013 17:31

Is this good enough for you though OP, his reaction?

Will you accept/believe him when he says he's told her to 'back off' (note, not just straight cut contact/blocked) or will you end up wondering if she's just PMing, or calling him when you aren't there, or generally just becoming more secretive?

I (just me) would be pretty at him making excuses, especially because she is so obnoxiously laying herself out as someone who was special to him, so publicly! You could obviously rest a bit easier if he was just like "It's over, I'm over her, she's on the other side of the world, that's that done and dusted.

I'm sorry he didn't do that straight away.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 17:35

it appears OP's bar is set at "very low" when considering what is "good enough"

JackieTheFart · 01/05/2013 17:52

I think you are totally underreacting here.

Who has to do anything for someone who lives so far away, and especially when you have a legit reason for not? Nobody. He likes the attention I imagine, or else he still has feelings for her.

Why he can't just block her from FB with no explanation I don't know. He is not spineless, the problem is him not her!

MyPreciousRing · 01/05/2013 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyStepMummy · 01/05/2013 18:36

He shouldn't be telling her to back off, he should be telling her to F* off!!! (sorry)
And what's this about her standing him up on Skype???? Why on earth would they be Skypeing????
I've been with my DH for almost 6 years. The guy I dated before him was really lovely, we broke up on good terms and I met DH right away. I wish the guy well and truly hope he found someone as nice as him. If I bumped into him I would be happy to see him, have a little chat then go back to what I was doing. I would not befriend him on FB, tag photos of him, call him, Skype him, or visit him. And this is someone who I ended things with on good terms!!
Your BF knows how much this is all upsetting you but still continues to do it. It's very to clear to everyone here, including yourself, what this woman's intentions are. And they're not good. She doesn't respect you (just like she didn't respect your BF when they were dating) and doesn't consider you a threat. Here she is tagging pics of him on FB, calling him from OZ, flying out to see him...she's being very clear on what she wants.
And your BF's comment about if all three of you met how you wouldn't enjoy it or some other rubbish.
I love my husband very much and if I was doing something that was upsetting him (and he threatended to leave me) I would stop. Your boyfriend knows how you feel but chooses to continue this. Look I know that people who dated sometimes stay in touch and that's fine. But this is beyond that.
I very much doubt that he's going to tell her to "back off". And even if he did why would she listen? You don't think he's sending her mixed messages by making plans to see her, scheduling Skype calls etc?

ladyjadie · 01/05/2013 19:06

I don't even think him saying fuck off! Surely it should just be like, 'who?'

If that makes sense.

Like you say Honey, you don't go even acknowledge your ex, though you hold no bad feeling.

This girl treated OP's DP like shit. Maybe that's it. Maybe he is still hankering after some sort of validating feelings from her, because she never gave him an easy time.

Actually now I think of it an aquaintance of mine was with a girl he had a very volatile relationship with (though nothing like lying about cancer-who the fuck does that?!?!?!) They broke up and he is with the most easy-going, nice girl now but he doesn't treat her with respect at all. In fact he lies to her so he can go do coke with his mates etc and when he's drunk he still talks about this ex far more than his GF. Wierd.

mumbaisapphire · 01/05/2013 19:13

I have to agree with the majority if posters who say it should be up to your boyfriend to draw a line under the relationship. It is puzzling why he won't. I had a 7 year relationship prior to meeting my DP. We ended it reasonably amicably and stayed in touch after the split. I got together with my now DP a year after the split. I continued to stay in contact with my ex, albeit very sporadically and DP knew about it. Although my ex was not wanting to get back together or being obsessive like this woman! Having said all that, it just got to the point where I wanted to cut ties. I moved away to another country to be with DP and so the contact with my ex really dwindled and it was initiated by him. I felt it was inappropriate for me to stay in contact with him out of respect to my DP - I should add that he didn't pressure me to cut contact. I also felt that it was inappropriate out of respect for any future partner my ex might have. No one likes to enter into a relationship and know that the ex is still hanging around-even if it is virtually! So I simply deleted him from Facebook and left it at that. I erased his number and email address and didn't supply him my new number after I moved. I didn't announce to him I was cutting contact I just quietly deleted him. He must have noticed several months later and he emailed me. I politely responded and said, yes it was correct that I had deleted him, and that I thought it was inappropriate for us to still be in contact. He replied saying he was sad about my decision but ultimately he understood, and that's how it was left. I didn't reply. It's now been 2 years since I did that, and I haven't heard from him since! I have heard on the grapevine he has a new girlfriend and that's great, and I feel pleased that I am not a part of his life anymore. His new girlfriend doesn't need that!

Your DP should be doing this himself, but most likely will need to take stronger action in terms of blocking her rather than simply deleting her. He should be wanting to do this out of respect to you. Good luck in hoping you can convince him.

HoneyStepMummy · 01/05/2013 19:23

What Mumbai said- this is how people treat their exes!! Like she said even if it's on good terms you move on and eventually don't even keep them on FB once you're married. I'm so busy with work, kids and marriage I barely have time for my real friends, let alone someone I shagged a million years ago.

Original poster

SlumberingDormouse · 01/05/2013 19:45

There is some stuff he needs to return to her (he still has some of her important documents, believe it or not) but after that I don't see any need to keep in contact.

OP posts:

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