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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think most men would jump at the chance of NSA sex?

185 replies

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 20/04/2013 23:13

SO I met a guy in a bar about 2 weeks ago. Seemed like a nice guy and we swapped numbers. We were both quite clear that neither of us wanted a relationship. I said I was looking more for a Friends with Benefits type situation. We are both single - so no harm done.

Went to his house last week and one thing lead to another.

The week afterwards he turned quite cold towards me. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for round 2 again soon and he avoided the question and was basically playing games.

I said I couldn't be bothered playing games. He said ok then and deleted me off Facebook.

I'm really pissed off about it tbh. I think most men would love that type of offer and I don't get why he turned so horrible.

OP posts:

PleasePudding · 21/04/2013 23:51

Aaaargh I'm so angry about some of the unkind comments on this thread I am actually a little tachycardic and want to kick a wall or something Hoffman style.

OP of course this must be confusing for you. Quite aside from your recent relationship history it is always disconcerting when you find that you may have misread a situation, particularly if this could reflect on you (clearly it doesn't but it's so easy to worry about why one might have done to cause something)

But women are allowed to have sex in any manner they like without the act of sex or their desire to have sex cheapening them. I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Does this mean women who don't want sex are morally superior? Why should people hold out? You like a man, you both want sex, you have sex. Sometimes some people may judge that but that says more about them.

Why, why, why are women still supposed to play games and not give in to their sexual desires.

On the flip side one night stands and NSA can be hard to deal with and you have to chose what's right for you emotionally.

I'm trying to feed my six week

WTFisABooyhoo · 21/04/2013 23:56

equally true for men morethan

when you say 'using our femininity' you mean adjusting your behaviour to a more stereotypical female style, raising the pitch of your voice, dressing to accentuate your breasts or hips, emphasising your inability to do some typically perceived to be a male task.

well men do that too. they adjust their behaviour to make them appear more 'macho', deepen their voices, stand up taller, emphasise their inability to (for example) choose clothes in order to get what they want from women.

if that makes women prostitutes then it makes men prostitutes too.

WTFisABooyhoo · 21/04/2013 23:57

totally agree pleasepudding

PleasePudding · 22/04/2013 00:02

Actually I know I'm getting a bit het-up now and distracted but it's so weird - women who freely give sex before marriage if whatever seemed to be considered 'meat' as Holly so disgustingly phrased it.

Yet if you don't suddenly have a massive reversal in your libido upon getting married/co-habiting whatever and be bonking his brains out every evening whilst the casserole warms, the same judgemental people seem to think this might drive a man into the arms of a mistress or whatever. It's such a strange shift.

Anyway as others said; you sound lovely, YABU to generalise men and also YABU to worry about what he's thinking, for one reason or another the situation didn't work for him but this al air certainly was not a bad reflection on anything you did.

BasilBabyEater · 22/04/2013 00:10

I just can't imagine having ever wanted anything from a bloke that would require me to "use my femininity", ie flirt, lean forward, show myself willing for sex etc.

Except sex, actually. That's when I use my "femininity", I've just remembered.

MTSgroupie · 22/04/2013 00:11

"he came twice". Yup, guys need for the sex to be great in order to come and combo.

OP - are you sure that it's not just dented pride because you can't give it away for free?

BasilBabyEater · 22/04/2013 00:12

And again, we get this giving it away for free concept.

Do people really still believe that women should gatekeep sex?

WTF ever happened to the sexual revolution?

VelvetSpoon · 22/04/2013 00:16

I think the sexual revolution passed a lot of posters on this thread by!

I have the feeling the same 'don't give it away' for free are the same women who consider sex a reward if their DH/DP behaves himself....

Pan · 22/04/2013 00:18

not sure If it was my ref. to free sex above, but if it was it meant free-of-strings and responsibilities, not the money bit.hth.

Pantone363 · 22/04/2013 00:39

Op I can't believe some of the responses up thread.

My quick penny's worth? I'm about 1 year down the line from you. I also really wanted NSA fun without the commitment, domesticity etc. it didnt work out for me at all. In fact it took your exact situation happening before I realised why. Without fail when men say they want NSA it means on THEIR terms. When they want sex they will contact you, if you contact them for it you are 'needy'. When they want to text they will text you, if you text them you are 'needy'. If you don't follow these rules blindly with no thought for asking for what you actually want...guess what? You are needy.

I realised I was not cut out for NSA, because although I enjoyed his late night sex call...mine the next week was needy.

And guess what the other fun bit is....IF you follow these rules..ie you wait for him to arrange the sex, you never text out of turn, you never ask for ANYTHING...you get to be labelled an easy bike who lets men treat her like crap.

Welcome to singledom in your twenties.

Pantone363 · 22/04/2013 00:40

I meant to say "happening a few times" although I wouldn't of friended any of my NSA on FB.

Lazyjaney · 22/04/2013 07:47

Some men like NSA sex all the time, some men like NSA sex some of the time, some men don't like NSA sex. Seems to me that it's not for you though OP - chalk it down to experience and gained self knowledge

CabbageLeaves · 22/04/2013 07:48

Pan I don't think you described the OP has cheapening herself or any of the other shockingly judgemental comments on here
I say this as someone who would not have NSA or ONS but respect that consenting adults (men and gosh this is a shocker ...women ) can do

BinksToEnlightenment · 22/04/2013 07:51

Totally agree with pleasepudding as well.

So girls like sex. Get over it.

Sallystyle · 22/04/2013 08:43

Did someone really tell the OP she acts like a bike?

In this day and age?

MorrisZapp · 22/04/2013 09:04

Oh my. It's a hard lesson to learn op, I have been there myself many times until the penny dropped. In my personal experience, men are able to have an amazing night of mind blowing sex, and then walk away without a backward glance.

Happened to me countless times back in my single days. I must admit, it forced me to develop a strategy. The strategy was, if I genuinely liked the guy, I would summon all the strength I had, and refuse sex on the first night.

If he was as hot as you like and only in town til Tuesday, then I gave myself permission to make hay while the sun shone.

I hate this crap, it's dated, sexist pish. But I didn't get second dates until I refused sex on the first.

My friends all had similar experiences. I hate how it is but it is how it is.

BumPotato · 22/04/2013 11:15

Funny that Morris, cos the twice I had sex on the first night I ended up in a 3 year relationship then next time 4 years then married another almost 10 years and still going.

I don't think there is a formula.

OP if you had the one good NSA night remember that as a good thing and forget all the rest before moving on.

Original poster

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 22/04/2013 16:06

Well I take back calling him horrible. Because he's not, I just wish people would be more straight forward. I asked him if we could be friends with benefits and he said that it was doable.

I just wish he'd made it clear that it was a one night thing.

Oh well ... I've had good advice on here and I obviously need to reassess what I actually want in the future.

And maybe I am just a crap fuck, whos too ugly and too worthless to ever get a man and deserved what I got. This thread has made me realise that my ex was right all along about me.

OP posts:

McBalls · 22/04/2013 16:16

Oh don't be ridiculous. Even if that were true, how could anyone on this thread possibly know?? Therefore...it's all Internet forum strutting. Meaningless.

Chin up.

Scrazy · 22/04/2013 16:46

Oh OP don't think like that. If some random bloke can make you feel this way I would definitely reassess what you need which isn't NSA sex. Or even offering men you hardly know a fwb arrangement.

I hope you meet someone more compatible next time.

Mouseyinmyhousey · 22/04/2013 17:24

I think some people have been a really harsh to the op who is clearly feeling a bit sensitive.

Op I think that you may have been better posting in relationships.

There coulod be any number of reasons why this guy doesn't want to meet up again, but none of which are likely to be any reflection on you, he doesn't even know you. He might already have a girlfriend/have got back with an ex. He might just prefer one night stands or various other reasons.

I think if someone genuinely wants to engage in nsa sex you've got to be a really self assured tough cookie, otherwise you're in danger of getting hurt or at least feeling rejected. Some people are able to remain completely detached even if the other person doesn't want to see them again, whereas others aren't.

We've all been there, in my early 20's I had sex with a guy who didn't want to see me again, I gave him my number and he never called, then he blanked me in a pub a few weeks later, I didn't even like him, but it wasn't very nice to think that perhaps he didn't like me either, even just for sex. And I had sex with a guy once and didn't want to see him again, I think that he was a bit hurt at the time.

It's taken me quite a few years and getting to know myself better to realise that casual sex isn't for me and that men and women are complicated beings so there's no such thing as 'most men' or 'most women'.

I think you've just got to put it down to experience, I'm positive that you're not deperate, ugly or crap in bed, and even if he thinks you were, there'll be plenty of other men out there who will think the exact opposite.

Just have a think, if you've recently come out of a relationship, and if a one night stand has dented your confidence and left you doubting yourself, maybe nsa sex isn't for you after all at this time?

Viviennemary · 22/04/2013 17:31

I think this only proves that NSA is fine as a theory but it usually ends in tears.

littlesongbird · 22/04/2013 17:33

I think the reason the OP now feels as she does has very little to do with the man she had sex with, and everything to do with the judgmental, outdated and outright nasty attitudes displayed by some posters.

Also from what has been said, the man in question gave the impression this wasn't a one night stand, but more of a regular arrangement. Quite understandable that the OP might be upset by the fact he was bullshitting, I think most people would be. Fair enough if you meet someone randomly and a ONS ensues, but there seems to have been prior discussion here about what they were looking for, and a ONS wasn't I think what the OP wanted.

OP, please don't let the bitchy, nasty attitudes of some on this thread get you down. They are the kind of women who only make themselves feel better by slating others, and I hope for their sakes they never find themselves single because they are in for a serious shock. Don't let their words, or what happened, upset you. Easier to say than do I know!

BinksToEnlightenment · 22/04/2013 18:36

OP, please don't be selective in who you listen to. It's easier to listen to criticism, but most of us are on your side. A lot of us - me included - are speaking from our own experiences of something similar.

It's ok to feel hurt over this. But you don't need to. It isn't a reflection on you at all.

Scrazy · 22/04/2013 18:41

I was speaking from experience too, in my late 20's and newly divorced. My guess is that the guy might have a girlfriend on the go. Happened to me a few times. A ONS I could shrug off but once or twice it was a series of them with the same guys, which went on for a year or so. Both had other girlfriends, unbeknown to me, and I was a secret. I found that situation more demoralising than someone who I could forget about and move on.

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