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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most men would jump at the chance of NSA sex?

185 replies

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 20/04/2013 23:13

SO I met a guy in a bar about 2 weeks ago. Seemed like a nice guy and we swapped numbers. We were both quite clear that neither of us wanted a relationship. I said I was looking more for a Friends with Benefits type situation. We are both single - so no harm done.

Went to his house last week and one thing lead to another.

The week afterwards he turned quite cold towards me. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for round 2 again soon and he avoided the question and was basically playing games.

I said I couldn't be bothered playing games. He said ok then and deleted me off Facebook.

I'm really pissed off about it tbh. I think most men would love that type of offer and I don't get why he turned so horrible.

OP posts:
digerd · 21/04/2013 17:34

Pan
Grin Thanks- got it at last.

sunshine401 · 21/04/2013 17:37

What is the problem?? No relationship you didn't get one. End of really.

Pan · 21/04/2013 17:38

Hurray!!

pickledginger · 21/04/2013 17:44

'They don't all dip their wicks when a bit of meat is put out on a plate'

That's utterly vile. Is that how you see women who don't behave as you do?

musicismylife · 21/04/2013 17:56

Hi op, I have just read your posts. Maybe give your time to emotionally heal before wanting NSA sex. Especially as it seems you've been in quite a terrible relationship. I feel for you, op, it isn't easy. The problem with NSA is that if you see them more than once, an attachment can start to form. NSA is perfect for me now but wasn't when I as going through the end of a terrible relationship. And I suppose NSA isn't about being kind or sensitive.

I hope you find what you're looking for, op. I must admit, your post brought a tear to my eye :(

Mondrian · 21/04/2013 19:34

Male opinion - This has turned into a very interesting thread. I don't think I can speak on behalf of all men as we are so diverse (just like women). For me NSA is about an inner journey, call it self satisfaction - so it has nothing to do with the other person, where as FWB is an understanding between two people that requires a high level of friendship before the benefits come. The dynamics are quite different. Of course there is a third category, mutual desperation. OP Which best defines your relationship?

SoleSource · 21/04/2013 19:39

He was cold towards you. You are better off without him. His fucking loss! X

Pan · 21/04/2013 19:55

I doubt v much if it is 'his loss' tbh - he happily walked away from 'free sex', apparently, and v probably isn't complaining about it to a bunch of strangers. Which could be seen as a bit of a slap round the face with a wet kipper, of course. Which comes back to the OPs 'suitability' for NSA exchanging of secretions, and a suggestion it's a matter of self-esteem to be thought about.

ALittleStranger · 21/04/2013 20:13

God there are some vile misogynistic comments being posted here. Driven in part I suspect by a fear certain posters have of being back on the scene if their DHs ever do the dirty on them.

But can we also stop the "his loss". We have no grounds for thinking either of them has lost out, is in the wrong, etc etc. This is just how it goes, NSA means brief. Frequent, repeat runs are strings and you can't be FWB if you're not F.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/04/2013 20:19

I agree with the his loss we have no idea what he is thinking and does it really matter

The op needs to move on, not give it a second thought what he thinks or will think of if they are to meet again it may never happen and concentrate on the person that matter most to her, herself

McBalls · 21/04/2013 20:28

Having been intimate with this man once does not entitle either of you to assume it will/should happen again.

Nothing wrong with you suggesting it of course and I can understand feeling a little burned at his rejection but to suggest that not wanting more sex with you makes him 'horrible' or somehow a weird variant of a man is a pretty mean and entitled way of thinking.

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2013 20:47

Exactly McBalls

And I can't help thinking that if the OP were a man, he'd be told to 'Get over himself' and accused of thinking he's 'God's gift', or something.

Fuckwittery · 21/04/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 21/04/2013 21:12

I suppose it's possible he's met someone else he'd like something more than NSA with.

I've had a few lovely FWB over the years and the emphasis has always been on the friend bit - if you already trust someone and feel affection for them as a friend, and you happen to fancy each other and you both happen to be single at the same time and neither of you want a full blown relationship, it can be great. That's a lot of 'and's - I don't think it's something that can be manufactured or sought out, it needs to be the right person because it is a relationship, just a different type. Tellingly, I'm still friends with most of them, even though the 'benefits' are not there any more as we've paired off with other people.

NSA - I've had my fair share of that too. IME (as an oldie), it's also something that's best if it's not sought out but happens organically (and safely!) at the end of a fun night out. I realise things are different these days and dating seems to be much more of a project and less something people just fall into with people they naturally come across in their day to day lives. I think most people, men and women, want to be with someone who is into them, no matter how brief the encounter, and not with someone simply because of the type of relationship or non-relationship they are offering.

Don't know if that makes any sense, I know what I mean.

Sounds like it's tough out there these days. If I was ever without DP I'd probably just settle down with the cats now. Hope you find happiness x

b4bunnies · 21/04/2013 21:13

perhaps its because he doesn't want to be hanging around with a woman who has sex with virtual strangers This is a disgusting comment. He had sex with a virtual stranger. Your comment implies some sort of judgement on women alone for this behaviour. You might have different judgement values but apply it to both sexes
no, cabbageleaves, i won't. the op wanted to be cheap sex (free, in fact) and she succeeded, and now she's complaining.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2013 21:15

b4...do you think that men should pay for sex ?

with dinner, with drinks, with a relationship, with marriage ?

think about what you saying

Scrazy · 21/04/2013 21:43

The guy isn't a dick, he won't think of it as his loss and he certainly won't be upset that the OP wanted him for NSA sex, his heart might not be in it to continue and you are not really in his thoughts for him to want round 2.

I agree with other posters you need to be friends to have a FWB situation.

I would say also that if you want to manufacture a FWB set-up there has to be some sort of connection that doesn't just involve sex. A man might have a ONS but he won't want to keep having sex with someone unless there is something more which might just be fancying the pants off someone to start with.

I would hold off having sex so quickly with someone until you are sure it won't just be a ONS, if there is such a thing as being sure Grin.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 21/04/2013 21:46

OP, although I do think YABU in terms of the premise of your thread title, YANBU as well, IYKWIM - I'm really glad this thread took a turn for the better.

And ** at someone 'dipping their wick into a piece of meat'. Grin

Holly, do you even know what a wick is...? Mixed metaphor-a-go-go....!

And this thread hasn't changed the way I think of Holly; it merely confirms it.

BasilBabyEater · 21/04/2013 21:50

Sorry is there something wrong with wanting free sex?

I personally have never had any other kind.

I didn't realise it's supposed to be a financial transaction, I thought that was only where prostitution is involved.

What is "cheap sex" as opposed to "expensive sex"?

Garymcguigan · 21/04/2013 22:08

I expect OP this is a bit of a blow to your self esteem as well as everything else. Do you think you are really ready to get back out there yet after your relationship break up?

Anyway good on you for coming back to the dim bulb who gave her husbands opinion. Like you rightly said, who cares what that fool thinks?

CabbageLeaves · 21/04/2013 23:04

Well ditto Basil.

How much does your partner pay you for sex B4. Do only men pay? Or women? Since you won't apply it to both sexes. Which one pays?

I think Alittlestranger made a pertinent point about what is fuelling some women's anger at the thought of a woman having NSA sex

CabbageLeaves · 21/04/2013 23:06

Is having sex a guilty thing? Do we have to have a penance maybe? Maybe OP should pay for having it?

Genuinely confused...

WTFisABooyhoo · 21/04/2013 23:09
Confused

NSA sex is exactly that. it means there are no agreements to do it again or not to do it again or to let you down gently or keep in touch or explain why you dont wnat it again etc etc. there are no conditions attached except that it is consentual on both sides.

OP i think you were trying to kid yourself that you wanted NSA when really you wanted more.

SpanishFly · 21/04/2013 23:22

How the hell do you dip a wick into a piece of meat?!

morethanpotatoprints · 21/04/2013 23:36

Just a thought.

I knew a prostitute once who had a point when she said the following. She was so sick of how she and others were portrayed all the time.

"Any woman who is married/ partner/ etc has the capability and is probably a prostitute". I said "you what". She reminded me how many women including myself had admitted to using our femininity to get round our fellas to get something we wanted.

So maybe there is no such thing as free sex anyway.