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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most men would jump at the chance of NSA sex?

185 replies

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 20/04/2013 23:13

SO I met a guy in a bar about 2 weeks ago. Seemed like a nice guy and we swapped numbers. We were both quite clear that neither of us wanted a relationship. I said I was looking more for a Friends with Benefits type situation. We are both single - so no harm done.

Went to his house last week and one thing lead to another.

The week afterwards he turned quite cold towards me. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for round 2 again soon and he avoided the question and was basically playing games.

I said I couldn't be bothered playing games. He said ok then and deleted me off Facebook.

I'm really pissed off about it tbh. I think most men would love that type of offer and I don't get why he turned so horrible.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 21/04/2013 09:54

You got what it said on tin. He didn't want to dip his brush in the tin more than once.

I did laugh at that. I read a few of the more amusing comments on P1 to DH

I said, if you were single would you take up the offer? He said, no thanks, I'm fussy where I dip my brush!

Oddly we were having a conversation at work on Friday about dating in your 40's when you are back in the market. Male collegue said he was mortally offended as he has had 3 approaches to be a fuck buddy, and he simply isn't into NSA sex at all, he likes to be in a mutually respectful relationship.

I don't know how old the OP is, she hasn't given that away, but from our perspective of our friendship gorup hitting 50, one or two of DH mates are divorced and dating again. They say it's awful out there, not like back in their day where you did a fair bit of courtesy and traditional courting - they quite passionately hate being cornered by desperate for a shag women. Similarly, of Sunday morning I can usually see a whole raft of very drunken pictures of my single 40-something mates, looking quite desperate to pick up a bloke.

scaevola · 21/04/2013 10:01

You cannot generalise what 'all men want': but it does seem true of him. NSA meant not even FWB.

He was clear that he didn't want a relationship, but you were both up for a shag anyhow. There's nothing wrong with wanting only a one night stand. Next time, listen when that's what someone's telling you.

Sallyingforth · 21/04/2013 10:08

You said 'FWB' in your introduction. But the F is Friends. That's a relationship, and he doesn't want one.
More on.

Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 10:35

WeAreEternal he asked if he could add me, I didn't see the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 10:38

HollyBerryBush I don't really care what your DH has to say.

And I'm in my early 20s (he is late 20s.) So no I'm not a desperate 40 year old looking for a shag as you so kindly put it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 10:41

You might have been a crap shag, or he just didn't want to be use

I'm not but thanks for that.

He came twice and wanted me to stay the night so.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 21/04/2013 10:46

The reason you cant get a bloke is probably your aggressive attitude.

Act like a bike, you'll be used like one.

If you are going to put your thread on a public forum, expect to get comments, from my POV I really CBA to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 10:50

Ouch, Holly, that was a bit harsh. OP entered into a legitimate arrangement after all, even though expectations might be different.

I think women generally find it harder to compartmentalise and can't shrug off indifference to them in the same way that some men can.

Age group might make a difference too; most 20 year olds don't have many long-term relationships in the way that over 40's do.

Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 10:51

The reason I can't get a bloke? What the hell? Maybe I have an aggressive attitude but at least I'm not a bitch.

I recently came out of a 4 year relationship. I don't want to jump into anything that serious so soon afterwards. That's why a FWB thing is good for me at this time in my life.

Stop trying to score cheap points and get on with your Sunday.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2013 10:54

Ibelieve... but he's NOT a friend, is he? That's the premises of FWB, that they actually care about you as a friend as well as find you attractive.

Don't get upset by posters' views here although I agree that some are finding ways to get in little 'digs' for some reason.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/04/2013 10:55

he was not playing games he wanted sex that's all

Friends with benefits is that a friend you have sex with he is not a friend

Maybe it's not what you are really wanting

Helltotheno · 21/04/2013 10:56

to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective.

Well as it happens, there isn't any one male perspective Holly so I doubt OP is hanging out to hear your DH's somehow... Wink

OP that's tough but you can put it behind you. I'd say next time don't state NSA upfront. I mean you can meet someone and say you want to take things slow: that might result in a relationship of two months, 6 months, 10 years, who knows? There's no need to label things... just play it by ear.

Re the facebook thing, my FB is just people I know pretty well so I can't even imagine adding a complete stranger, no way in hell, esp someone that I only meant as an NSA.... the whole idea is that NSAs don't get to be involved in other aspects of your life! But that's just me....

Branleuse · 21/04/2013 10:57

you were clear, he was clear. Move on.

Telli g him he was game playing is critical.

Thats probably not what he wants from a shag

FreudiansSlipper · 21/04/2013 10:58

Act like a bike Hmm have I just gone back in time by 20 years

Seriously op have a think what you really do want. Men will sense that you may want more and back off leaving you feeling confused nothin wrong with no strings sex, sex with friends can become complicated at times

dontyouwantmebaby · 21/04/2013 11:00

hollyberrybush - "If you are going to put your thread on a public forum, expect to get comments, from my POV I really CBA to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective."

but the OP didn't ask for your husband's 'male perspective', did she?

She asked MNetters opinions when she put her thread up. If your husband is so inclined to comment upon threads on public forums, you'd think he'd be arsed to set up his own MN ID.

Your attitude to the OP sounds aggressive. You sound quite judgmental about people in their 40s on the dating scene.

Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 11:01

Don't get upset by posters' views here although I agree that some are finding ways to get in little 'digs' for some reason

Thank you. I guess after a 4 year relationship things can be confusing, the first 3 years were amazing, the last year was hell. I lost weight to the point where my periods stopped and he made me feel worthless to the point where I just wanted it all to end.

I started dating someone a month after the relationship ended and realised that I wasn't ready for that kind of thing at all. It wasn't fair to either of us.

This other guy, he was really fun to hang out with and great to chat to so I sort of hoped that we would become friends and have the benefits included. I've never done anything like that before and I thought being straight and up front about it was the best thing.

But yeah its clearly blown up in my face and I should put it down to experience and move on. So thank you.

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 21/04/2013 11:03

Rather than a man who wants NSA, he sounds like a man who will treat women poorly if he can get away with it. Your stating of your wants probably took the control away from him. Hes already had NSA, so by deleting you off Facebook (if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have accepted your friend request in the first place), he gets (in his mind) to reassert control.

Plenty of men prefer sex in a LTR, with someone they have a "connection" with. Also, NSA most people would take to mean less than once a week, but more like once every couple of months I think.

He sounds like an arse.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/04/2013 11:03

As much as I love sex you can go without it for a while until you know what you really do want certainly helped me not get into yet another crap relationship and value myself more

overmydeadbody · 21/04/2013 11:04

YABU

The bloke did nothign wrong. He ujst didn't want sex with you again.

Your title is overgeneralising men too. Men don't actually just want to shag anything that moves and lets them. Just like women.

You need to forget about it. You did nothgin wrong, he did nothign wrong.

And meeting strangers for sex isn't a FWB situation, it is just a FB situation. Can be a one night stand or a more regular thing, but only do it if you are strong enough to not care when they call it off.

dontyouwantmebaby · 21/04/2013 11:05

OP - you're not coming across as aggressive at all. I'd chalk this one down to experience and move on.

I know a few people where the FWB situation works perfectly for both of them but as said by someone previously, it usually happens naturally by mutual agreement rather than something that is 'agreed up front'. Good luck.

Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 11:06

by deleting you off Facebook (if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have accepted your friend request in the first place

He text me to ask if he could add me on FB, I wouldn't have bothered to add him if I'm honest.

That's why I find it so strange that he deleted me.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 21/04/2013 11:07

Ah, well you see the thing about any casual relationship is that either of you can walk away at any time and does not owe the other party an explanation.

So if you're stressing about why he doesn't want to see you again, maybe FWB is not for you?

overmydeadbody · 21/04/2013 11:07

Ibelieve don't feel bad, this hasn't blown up in your face, it just wasn't meant to be anything more than it was.

Continue doing what you do, protecting yourself from being hurt by a relastionship while having (safe) no strings sex if you want to with people. Nothing wrong with that.

Be open and honest about what you want.

Ignore the little digs from some people.

Just don't assume all men will jump at the chance for NSA sex. There are a lot of different people out there going through a lot of different things, wanting different things in life...

Original poster
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont · 21/04/2013 11:08

Thanks dontyourwantmebaby was almost in tears, but you've made me feel a lot better.

So have a lot of other people on here - so thank you. Smile

It's just a confusing time in my life right now, so it's not come at the best of times really.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 21/04/2013 11:09

Pity you didn't get in there first OP Grin