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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and a colleague

321 replies

appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 20:52

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

OP posts:
maleview70 · 17/04/2013 22:50

What happens if you are working away with a female or male colleague?

My wife before we were married spent 3 weeks away on business with a male colleague, coming home at weekends, I personally would have found it odd if they had not had dinner together when staying in the same hotel.

What's the difference?

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 22:53

they were not staying in the same hotel for some reason if they went downstairs for a meal some how I would view that differently the same as when they go out in groups

OP posts:
BOF · 17/04/2013 22:54

In what way is it similar? Confused

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 22:57

I dont think there is a wrong or right answer to this just feels like blurring the lines a bit

OP posts:
LightTheLampNotTheRat · 17/04/2013 23:00

Hemlet, my DH's friend is not 'new' - she's someone he's known through work for a couple of years at least. They meet up from time to time in the evening. Exchange texts. I haven't met her. I don't believe I have any reason to feel alarmed - he does the same with other female colleagues. And as I've said before, I meet up with male colleagues - who have become friends - too. It would be a dull world if you couldn't be friends with a variety of people, without partners attempting to veto.

VelvetSpoon · 17/04/2013 23:01

A lot of this thread makes pretty depressing reading. I can't believe that some women would expect to meet their husband's female colleagues, that they would object to any sort of out of work meeting etc.

It does however remind me why it is pretty pointless having any friendships with male colleagues, especially because as a single woman I am invariably perceived as some sort of threat Hmm

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:03

So

Your husband is out on a date with another woman while you put the kids to bed and tie yourself in knots to rationalise it so you can look like a "cool wife"

Just because he is doing it in plain sight, doesn't make it any more innocent

You are being taken for a mug, and it is likely that time will tell you that, sorry

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:05

I think someone else put it right - if he was open about it I would have been ok for sure its because I found out

OP posts:
Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:06

I have been playing the cool wife for a long time but suddenly I felt pissed off

OP posts:
Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:08

I think there is a lot of pressure these days to not look like 'a bunny boiler' and play it cool all the time - but then why bother at all if you not bothered.

OP posts:
Hemlet · 17/04/2013 23:10

Light he's not going out with someone new to get to know her better then is he, they've had an established relationship as friends for 2 years so bears no resemblance to the op situation.

OTTMummA · 17/04/2013 23:10

You need to tell him he has gone too far and see what his reaction is.
He should try to see it from your perspective.
It's not on, he should be wanting to take you out.

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:13

Apparently he ok with me doing this too - but I now remember discussing this a while ago when we were talking about someone else and he said he wouldent be happy if i did that!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:13

Although I know it exists, I don't feel any pressure to be a "cool wife"

Perhaps it's a generational thing ?

I would not tolerate my husband taking another woman out for a dinner date, just those two alone, unless he was related to her and that is the end of it. I would no more expect to do it myself.

I wouldn't think they were shagging over the coffee and petit fours but romantic dinners are something I share only with my husband.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:16

It can be surprising what you remember when you examine past conversations withn a new understanding, can't it ?

So, you have to put up and shut up that he is spending family money on wining and dining other women but it's not ok for you ?

That's fine by you, is it ?

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:18

My problem is how do you say I dont like you doing that (which I have now - if you do I think he will just do it but hide it more - what to do? I know now he just wont tell me - he tends to carry on doing his own thing regardless. I think this is why I play it cool because you can observe whats going on more - but now Ive shown my cards Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:20

Im going now ul have a look at this tomorrow! Thank you for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 23:22

by the way 'I wouldn't think they were shagging over the coffee and petit fours but romantic dinners are something I share only with my husband' I coulden't have put it better myself! Thats just it!

OP posts:
bonnieslilsister · 17/04/2013 23:23

Well said Samu

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:28

what do you mean "how do you say what you feel" ?? Hmm

you just open your mouth and the words come out.

I don't mean to be nasty love, but if you think speaking your mind to your H will simply cause him to become more underhandedly sneaky then you have a bigger problem than the one in your OP

You don't trust him at all, do you ?

Are there other instances of him being a deceitful liar to get his own way ?

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:30

Do you know what, I really do wish the respondents to threads like this would make the effort to probe a bit more before they say things akin to "what's wrong with you, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, you shouldn't be uptight"

By the time people post here, the anxiety levels are usually pretty high...and often for very good reason.

BOF · 17/04/2013 23:34

Yes, and drawing parallels where none exist.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:40

indeed

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 00:15

Maleview that situation is nothing similar - a work trip away where one is expected to socialise with colleagues is one thing, a normal run-of-the-mill week night where one partner is not only choosing to spend time away but is just dumping the decision on their partner is quite another.

Fiddlesticks8 · 18/04/2013 00:19

"But this new friendship has got to me" trust your instincts...if you're not happy about it then say so...but try not to be too OTT about it as you ll chase him straight into her arms. Monitor it and ask to meet her

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