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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and a colleague

321 replies

appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 20:52

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 00:21

If I felt making my feelings known would "chase my husband straight into her arms" I would wave him off with a condom in his pocket and a rucksack with all his belongings on his back, with my blessing

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 00:23

God, is everyone really so untrusting of their partners? Like, the first bit of attention elsewhere will having them running off, shagging like bunnies? :(

AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 00:24

You haven't read the thread properly, SG

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 00:26

I have AF. I've seen lots of posters very wary of their partners socialising with other women for fear that they'll run off and have an affair. And very wary of mentioning any concerns for fear it will push them into the arms of another. I find that sad.

AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 00:29

I get the "push him into the arms of another" comment and picked up on it myself

but I think most posters who haven't flamed the OP for being uptight and not trusting her husband (although he sounds thoroughly untrustworthy) haven't insisted he is going to have an affair

just that taking other women out on romantic dinner dates whilst she does the grunt work at home is massively disrespectful of her

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 00:35

I've already agreed with that last point further upthread.

I am absolutely staggered at the number of women who take such a strong stance against opposite sex friendships though, even with no hint of dodgy behaviour. Though I agree this man's behaviour is selfish and thoughtless at best and uncaring and pig headed at worst.

UptheChimney · 18/04/2013 06:21

I dont think this is very much different from the regular AIBU of "He's told me he's going out with his mates while i stay at home with our children"

If the OP is being required to stay home to do all the domestic stuff, while her DH goes out for a social occasion, which is not work-related, then I can understand her unease. If her work at home is allowing her husband to have a social life, while she can't, then it's unfair.

One to one dinner with an opposite sex work colleague, when you both have family and domestic responsibilities seems a bit odd. If its a work do, there'll be more than the 2 of them, if it's a working session, why not lunch?

I like the suggestion that the OP book a any sitter and go along, particularly If she and her DH haven't been out to dinner for a while.

raisah · 18/04/2013 06:40

He should book a babysitter and take you out for dinner and drinks. Some people spend a lot of time impressing their friends/outsiders and neglect their own families/partners. I think because you are aSAHM you would appreciate the adult company & attention that your oh is giving to his colleague. Its difficult being stuck at home for 13 hrs + looking after dc when you need a bit of tlc. Let him know this, dont keep it in.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 18/04/2013 06:42

Well Dh does sometimes go for a beer after work with colleagues (some of whom are women) on a one-to-one basis but I would find a purely social pre-arranged dinner a little odd. Usually it's a case of it being 6pm on a Friday and someone saying "I need your thoughts on this" and him saying "ok, but lets get a beer while we talk" as opposed to an organised thing. I do similar albeit most of my colleagues are women.

Usual protocol with new friend of opposite sex for us would be to invite them to dinner, either as a couple, assuming new friend has a partner, or within a larger group if they're single. It's the easiest way to make your intentions clear and weed out any potential romeos.

Throughout my life I have generally found that invitations to socialise a deux with men (single or married) have usually had some sort of expectation that it's not purely platonic, and I am not the world's most amazing looking person, so I assume this must be fairly typical.

So [leaps off fence on which I've been sitting for 20 mins] YANBU

TwoBrasDontMakeABodice · 18/04/2013 07:03

I was under the impression that the OP's husband was AWAY working therefore the OP could not join him. Apologies if I have read that wrong.

LookingForwardToMarch · 18/04/2013 07:09

Lol at platonic relationships

my dp and I had one of those once...

Im convinced if the man and woman find each other attractive and spend enough alone tume together the inevitable will happeb.

LookingForwardToMarch · 18/04/2013 07:10

*happen

NoWayPedro · 18/04/2013 07:23

When not on mat leave I travel a lot for work. Sometimes alone, sometimes as a group and sometimes with male only colleagues. We all get on well most of the time and go to dinner/day trips etc. together whilst away. If colleagues are visiting from overseas offices we go out for dinner as we try to not leave someone on their own away from home iyswim.

All totally innocent.

If it was a male colleague based in my office and i just wanted to talk shop; coffee at lunch? 1:1 dinner a bit much for me for people who see each other a lot at work.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/04/2013 07:29

I can't see anything wrong with saying to your DH-I feel uncomfortable with this. I am not happy that you are choosing to spend family time and money taking a work colleague out for a meal in these circumstances. If that's how you feel.
No one can tell you if you are right or wrong to feel that way, some people seem to be happy with this situation, other people have different reasons for being unhappy with it.
But it's your relationship. You don't have to react the same as other people. You don't have to live your life according to someone else's feelings, do you?

If, for whatever reason, you are not happy with this, well that's ok.

Tbh, in the situation you described, I wouldn't be happy either.

But if you feel that by expressing this to your DH that will cause him to sneak about and hide what he is doing you must have some doubt about his honesty. And I think that is the issue, really. Not whether you are too jealous or whether you are unreasonable to ask your DH not to do this.

You should be able to express how you feel, have a discussion about it, resolve it. Not spend the next few months wondering if your DH has heard you say you are not happy but is out doing it anyways.

Takingbackmonday · 18/04/2013 09:00

Really?!
Both me and DP wouldn't think twice about this, we quite often invite each other and often go out with friends/colleagues of opposite sex. I trust him implicitly and have complete faith in our relationship. If one of us cheated I would see it as a lucky escape - better it happens sooner than later so we could both get out.

CherylTrole · 18/04/2013 09:15

YANBU When there are children involved the situation is completely different. For a start whoever is at home has to do the bedtime routine etc etc. Aside from that I know for a fact my DH would never do this. Its all about respect. More importantly you should be able to tell your DH OP that you are not happy with him doing this. He has not considered your feelings at all in this and that is why the red flag flies.

Hemlet · 18/04/2013 09:21

I think AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head for me and a lot of posters are conveniently ignoring the intimate dinner for 2 in favour of having a pop at the op being unreasonable because her husband is simply having a friendship with another woman.

It's bollocks, my husband often has new female friends as he changes offices often which is fine, but if he wanted to take one of them to dinner I'd have a problem with it because it oversteps a boundary. If that makes me an uncool wife then so be it.

It doesn't necessarily mean has on for an affair, I don't think anyone has said that. It's disrespectful, as others have said.

Iseeall · 18/04/2013 09:26

I would trust your instincts with this one op. You posted because you don't really like the idea and I totally agree with you.
Lots of different view points and senarios have been given with the best of intentions but gut reaction is inbuilt for a reason.

If you want to test him/them suggest you/dc go on their 'date' to a family friendly beefeater type venue. Don't be put of by dh saying things like the dc can't be out late, they serve cheap dinner menus from about 6pm. It may not be the cosy night he invisgned but you will feel better for it. Insist you or you and dc go everytime he suggests a 'date' with her. That is what it is, a date. sorry you have this worry, I know how this situation can nag at you , but from experience start as you mean to go on.

QuintessentialOHara · 18/04/2013 09:31

There is a massive difference between friendships and dinner dates though.

I have had many male friends in my time, and going out for romantic dinner was never part of how we spent our time together. We were doing stuff we were both interested in. Like going to see a movie, or a mountain hike, or visit a gallery. Or shopping! Not chat and gaze into each-others eyes over dinner! And mostly our partners were with us 50% of the time and knew each other.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 18/04/2013 09:36

I was actually reading this thread waiting for AF to come on and talk some sense.

Of course he is being unreasonable. How dare he take a colleague out for dinner while you do the washing up ffs.

You never win playing the cool wife, never.

It's the same story of strip clubs on here Hmm "ooh let the poor men go and watch gyrating naked women with their fanjos 2 inches from their face, it's harmless"

Pathetic.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/04/2013 09:38

I don't know. I have done a fair bit of socialising recently with business colleagues. Had drinks (loads) and there was no talk of anything happening. Well, mind you one of the guys was hitting on me big time so I had to remind him over and over again he had a girlfriend at homeHmm.
Hmm, maybe you're right then?Confused

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 18/04/2013 09:41

I am fine and have been in the past with old college friends and women I already know there just seemed to be a bit too much recent bonding go on this time. I think you pick up vibes off your partner as well of how they talk to you.

OP posts:
LibertineLover · 18/04/2013 09:42

What Tantrums said Grin

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 18/04/2013 09:54

I know hes not having an affair and know he would not have one. Although I know he could fall in love as when you are away from screaming kids and dirty laundry anything else does feel great - and I dont think men really think about this like women do - they get caught in the moment of how intently she is listening to them rather than telling them how the dog has been sick all day and should we take it to the vets (example LOL.
But it does make you feel rubbish when you are washing his shirts and he is out having a meal with another woman. That's the problem its not crime scene but none the less makes you feel a bit crap?

OP posts:
QuintessentialOHara · 18/04/2013 09:58

To be honest, any person with a partner, especially if there are children involved, should avoid putting themselves in a position where they jeopardize their family unit and fall in love with another person.