Husband and a colleague

[appleNblackberry]

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

I have friends of both sexes. I would not stop socialising with them just because it made my partner uncomfortable. In fact I would consider that as a display of insecurity and needy behaviour.

HOWEVER, that's the way I am and always have been. Socialising with male friends is NORMAL in my lifestyle. If this is a break from typical behaviour then you are right to be suspicious IMO.

Some people are capable of platonic relationships with the opposite sex, others are not. Those who are normally this way have rounded lives that always have featured opposite-sex friends. Any 'newness' about it is worrying.

A lot depends on how much you trust your partner. For example, if I met a new man who I thought I would like to develop a friendship with, I would be keeping an eye out for sexual tension from either one of us and backing off if I picked up on any, because it's not then a platonic friendship and has the potential to do a lot of damage. Is your DH self-aware enough and honest enough to be that trustworthy?

Good points, Dahlen.

A lot of people don't think about boundaries at all. They would describe as friendship, behaviour that I would describe as flirting.

Men talk differently to women than they do to other men and women talk differently to men than they do to other women. Mostly. I think this makes it difficult to have friendships without boundaries blurring less both people are consciously aware of such boundaries. Unfortunately, the people who are most aware are the ones who've already been caught out - either because they crossed them or had a partner who crossed them.

Someone who is thinking about appropriate boundaries wouldn't even be considering intimate dinners with another woman, while their wife is at home with the kids.

I wouldn't want to have dinner with such a man - I would be sitting there wondering why he wasn't at home. I would think less of him.

Work dinners when people are away from home are entirely different - a person isn't actively choosing to be somewhere else other than with their spouse in that situation.

Karma I think there's some truth in that, but there's also a lot of assumptions.

I have never been unfaithful, nor have I (to my knowledge) even had a partner be unfaithful to me. However, I have never been a 'girly' girl and so grew up with more male friends than female ones. As a result, perhaps I have thought longer and harder than most about the nature of platonic friendships between the sexes.

Would you think less of a partner who left his wife at home while he went out with a male friend for a curry? What's the issue here? That he goes out and has fun while leaving his wife caring for the DC? Or that his companion is female? Because the first could be a valid criticism if he gets to have fun often and his wife doesn't. But the second is simply a result of your own perception that men and women can't be 'just friends'.

As someone who's never crossed that line from platonic friendship into sexual one, I know that's not the case.

I will concede, however, that I've started several friendships that I have subsequently ended because it transpired that despite protestations to the contrary the man in question did entertain hopes of it going further.

apple's second post said "he does not see the difference between male and female friends".

But if my DH started regularly doing out to dinner with one male friend I would think that rather strange! There's nothing suspicious about it in terms of his intentions, but it's just not how he would normally interact with male friends. He'd do dinner with a group of friends, or go out for a few drinks with one friend, but wouldn't regularly go out for meals with one friend whether male or female. It's a coupley sort of thing to do!

I would think badly of a man leaving his wife at home to spend time out with the lads too. Unless his wife got equal leisure time while he was at home with the dc. I think that really couples should socialise together,more often than not, rather than have all their fun with other people.

I do think it's worse to go out with another woman. I think in most cases one of them will want something more than just friendship or there will be an attraction, even if neither acts on it. But it is harder to resist attraction, if you are in a cosy restaurant, away from kids and domestic drudgery. Safer to not put oneself in a position where it is easier to cross boundaries.

Dahlen, I think you are maybe more self aware than a lot of people. Lots of people don't act with complete consciousness regarding possible implications of their choices.

Also I think a lot of people deliberately don't think too deeply about what they are doing and why. Deep down they know what they are doing is dodgy, but it doesn't suit them to think too much about it, because then they would feel guilty and bad about themselves. Mist people want to believe they are decent people and not the type to behave badly towards those they profess to love.

Wel there's certainly a lot of truth in that. There's always a choice.

I agree with you about intimate dinners in restaurants being a more 'dangerous' setting but again that depends on the dinner. A quick curry down the local balti after a few drinks is not comparable to a table for two in a quiet corner of your local Italian, for example.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about it being wrong to be out having fun regularly while assuming that your partner is happy to SAH to mind the DC - especially if said partner is a SAHM anyway and so needs that time out probably more so than the WOHD. THat would be the biggest problem with this whole scenario if it were me in the OP's situation.

I will defend platonic friendships quite strongly because I know that they are possible and it's not a case of 'resisting' sexual attraction or crossing boundaries. There are no elements of that in my friendships with men. However, I think this is probably quite unusual, though not as rare as many would think. In more cases than not I think one of the parties is looking for something that the other provides simply because of that gender (even if it's not intending to be acted on), and yes it is easy for this to become inappropriate if not watched. It is why I have always stepped back from friendships with men where I've picked up those signals - and there have been more of those than there have been successful platonic relationships.

I have never been unfaithful to DH and I am fairly certain he hasn't to me however I would be pretty uncomfortable about this.

Why on earth would he want to go out for a meal in the evening with a female colleague - I am not sure I have ever known either me or DH to have gone out with a same sex colleague on our own - usually it is in a group. It is not necessarily a trust issue but I am not sure why he wants to go out with her?!

It is like a date IMO and that is not to say anything untoward is going on but it is still weird however much you trust someone.

Some of it wouldn't even be the worry about an affair it would be that we hardly go out together, he spends tons of time at work as it is so I would rather he was spending time wining and dining me - not another woman. Fair enough if they are travelling for work and staying in the same place but why can't they just have lunch out??

This is the main point that Apple has made, isn't it? That she's left, staying at home, while her DH leaves her to deal with the DCs bedtime & he spends family money.

It appears some posters have overlooked that, UTC, in their haste to convince MN what cool partners they are

I would think less of a man that wanted to take me out for a "platonic" meal while his wife was at home too. Plus id be sitting there thinking god, i hope she doesnt think im a threat, whilst knowing she probably did..

I still believe men and women can be platonic friends. And that male friends are great. (As female friends are too.) I love my male friends, and my DH has always had more friends who are women than men. There are clear boundaries - my DH is my partner, others are just people I'm friends with. It's all part of a rich life. I'd be a bit sad if it had to stop. And I love it when DH comes home from a night out with a female friend/colleague - the gossip is always much more interesting.

Going out to dinner with someone of the opposite sex is not just a 'couply thing to do'. I go out to dinner with male friends alone. We are not couples. We gossip about mutual friends, work, telly - whatever. Dinner with a friend of the opposite is sex not purely the domain of couples.

What ifancyashandy said.

I agree that out-of-character behaviour may be different. But people change/evolve - and acquiring a female friend may just be that, not a sign of anything threatening.

Have just asked DH ( the worlds most laid back man) he said " that's very inappropriate"
This is the man who was the only male in his graduating class and has loads of female friends.

I wouldn't like it

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids?

OP's first sentence -- purely on the grounds of "while I look after the kids" OP is NBU

YANBU

If they want to talk about work or whatever else they have in common, have lunch during a weekday, have coffee breaks etc. That's what I do with my male friends who I've met through work. My DH knows I have lunch with them on the odd occasion and doesn't mind. But WHY would I EVER want to have dinner with them without my DH and their wives???

Both me and my husband have many friends and colleagues of the opposite sex. we each sometimes go for dinner or drinks with them.
We trust each other and it is not a problem.
However, we try, where possible to invite the colleague home for dinner / to a party we are hosting now and again so the other partner can meet them. I am now friends with my husbands female colleague too which is nice.
I would not like it if my boss (male) who I go for drinks with brought his wife...all we do is talk / moan about work and other colleagues and she would prob be bored, and I would def think her jealous and insecure.
If someone is going to cheat, they will do it whatever!

Both me and my husband have many friends and colleagues of the opposite sex. we each sometimes go for dinner or drinks with them.
We trust each other and it is not a problem.
However, we try, where possible to invite the colleague home for dinner / to a party we are hosting now and again so the other partner can meet them. I am now friends with my husbands female colleague too which is nice.
I would not like it if my boss (male) who I go for drinks with brought his wife...all we do is talk / moan about work and other colleagues and she would prob be bored, and I would def think her jealous and insecure.
If someone is going to cheat, they will do it whatever!

oops posted twice!

I think only you know your DH. He's away on business. He's having dinner with a colleague. He (maybe) didn't say anything as he knew you may be disconcerted about it. I don't really think anyone can give you advice as only you know the nature of the man you are with.