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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and a colleague

321 replies

appleNblackberry · 17/04/2013 20:52

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

OP posts:
JustinBsMum · 18/04/2013 15:28

Also would wonder why he wanted too spend scarce spare time with them.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 18/04/2013 15:34

Wouldn't worry me, we both go out with other people, old and new friends, single and married, whatever. I figure if DH is going to cheat, he'd do it whether I 'allowed' him to go out or not.

BigHands · 18/04/2013 15:35

Please, some one tell me this is a joke!

Where's the problem? Is he always doing this? Has he cheated on you before? Given you any cause for concern?

If not, and I say this with respect, get over it - it's really not worth the worry.

LaMaga · 18/04/2013 15:45

YANBU.

BOF · 18/04/2013 15:53

I just lost a long post, but the gist was no, it's not a joke. If you read many posts in this forum, you'd understand that this is precisely how many affairs and infidelities start. The person isn't an habitual shagger, they think it "just happened", but the reality is they stopped paying attention to healthy boundaries in their relationship, and it crept up on them.

Plenty of people have platonic friendships with the opposite sex, sure. But arranging dinner dates with a recent female colleague when your wife is in the dark about it or uncomfortable just isn't very respectful of your marriage, and it's quite possible that you'll end up one of those fools who throws away a lovely family.

BigHands · 18/04/2013 15:56

Mmmm, you're probably right BOF. Lock him up and cut off his cock.

BOF · 18/04/2013 16:07

That would be extreme. But asking him to have the good sense not to arrange dinner dates with other women would be reasonable.

happyscouse · 18/04/2013 16:23

BoF speaks sense.
I have worked in offices for nearly 30 years, It's only my experience but those "platonic" friends who took themselves out on their own always without exception turned out to be much more than friends, i've witnessed the fallout too many times for this scenario not to ring alarm bells.
I know lots of male/female friendships work within the working enviroment, i have them myself but going out to Dinner, Nah that's crossing a line.

Original poster
appleNblackberry · 18/04/2013 20:52

I have also worked in offices happyscouse I agree. It amazes me that some on here think I posted this about sex or not sex thats not the issue here. If you keep on going on dates with other people eventually you may just fall in love with a person as its a false and unfair environment away from bills housework and screaming kids - way more romantic than at home! LOL

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 21:58

Are you going to speak to your husband, OP ?

or just have a vent here, and carry on fuming and resenting him ?

chocolatehomemade · 18/04/2013 22:30

I have vented -he always makes me feel bad by saying it totally innocent - I know it is but that's not the point im making as outlined before

chocolatehomemade · 18/04/2013 22:32

wrong post sorry

AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 22:40

or wrong name change ?

never mind x

MmeThenardier · 18/04/2013 23:13

Dh goes out for drinks with friend(s) or a meal with a group of friends. He doesn't go out for a meal with one man and if he suggested going out for a meal with 1 woman - out of work hours - I'd be pretty Hmm.

Does your DH go out for twosomes with men as well OP? Or is this something he does with women?

NonnoMum · 18/04/2013 23:45

Actually, OP, think you need to change your tack... Assure him it's absolutely fine to go out but ask him to arrange babysitters etc as you are going out for a meal with that new dad at playgroup. You have to discuss the tea rota over a pinot grigio... and lobster bisque... You will be paying so you might have to cut down on kids' activities this month. Would that be ok?
And don't forget to reassure him in an overloud way that you are just friends. Of course.

Bogeyface · 19/04/2013 00:41

I always think that if you are suddenly feeling odd about something that has never bothered you before then there is something different about it.

He isnt being 100% honest, he is making her out to be unattractive when she isnt and you feel wrong about it. Trust your instinct. I am not saying he is doing anything wrong......yet, but he is acting differently enough for it to flag up with you. Not an emotional affair but it sounds like it has the possibility to become one.

Tell him that you have arranged a babysitter so you can come too, his reaction will be very telling.....

starfield · 19/04/2013 01:56

I love what NonnoMum suggests.

I wouldn't be ok with this at all. I find it up a tree that there is any question of this being acceptable. It possibly gives an inkling to the rocketing divorce rates in this country. And why isn't he helping you at home? If there's time and money to put into a woman, it should be you, not some lady with (I'm sure) plenty of options.

Spoken as someone who has just read Take a Break at one sitting and who has a corresponding sympathy at having read far some women will go to convince themselves there's nothing to worry about (often, apparently, because DH is hanging out with some girl, for whom, interestingly, he never has feelings...

sparechange · 19/04/2013 10:40

I'm torn on this, because I think I would be Hmm if my DH suggested this, but at the same time, I've been the platonic female colleague who's career suffered as a result of not being able to play on a level field.

I have no idea what your DH does for work, but in my industry, it is pretty normal for work to get done over dinner or on the golf courses.
I was, and to a certain degree still am, sidelined from projects and some trips because it is clearly awkward for men to be out for dinner with another woman.
And no, I've never had any sort of relationship with a colleague, I'm not an outrageous office flirt and I'm very very happy with my lovely relationship, but it is pretty normal in my field of work that 2 or 3 people put together on a project, which quite often involves a kick-off meeting over dinner and usually a few days away from the office actually doing the project

It is quite noticeable that some obvious skill pairings don't get paired when one is a woman and one is a man.

So by all means do what you need to do to keep your marriage secure, but is it any wonder certain industries have glass ceilings for women if they can't do the usual business socialising that men do to get deals done.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2013 10:49

Has OP actually said this was a meeting to "get deals done" ?

I got the impression he simply enjoyed this woman's company and wanted to spend one to one time with her by going out for dinner together

Jessdurberville · 19/04/2013 11:02

Well said Sparechange! I am self-employed and some of my clients are married men - I would regularly have lunch or dinner with them and it never once occurred to me that their wives would have a problem. Many of these clients would socialise with us as families, the nature of my business means that it is normal to build a close working relationship where personal/ work boundaries blur a little.

stickingattwo · 19/04/2013 11:10

I think YABVU.
I have male and female friends/colleagues and wouldn't think anything of going out for food/drinks with them. I go on conferences with them, stay up late, get tipsy etc You either trust your DH or you don't.

Bogeyface · 19/04/2013 11:42

You either trust your DH or you don't.

She always has in the past but feels differently this time, that says to me that she is picking up on something that neither her DH or her realises he is doing differently.

I spent months driving myself mad feeling that there was something wrong, with no proof of anything, no real indication that something was going on. 9 months later I found out that my husband had been having a sexting affair. I found out by sheer chance. The relief I felt when I realised that I wasnt paranoid and going mad was huge.

I am a great believer in instinct. The OP doesnt trust him this time so I dont think he is being entirely honest about his feelings for this woman.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 19/04/2013 12:03

My understanding was that the dinner would be purely social. Client dinners are another thing entirely because sometimes you need to have conversations off the record to come to an understanding.

lydiajones · 19/04/2013 12:04

I would feel uneasy about it. I am fine with my husband going on nights out with work when there is a group but I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement.

Some of it wouldn't even be the worry about an affair it would be that we hardly go out together, he spends tons of time at work as it is so I would rather he was spending time wining and dining me - not another woman. Fair enough if they are travelling for work and staying in the same place but why can't they just have lunch out??

If he wants to be such a great friend with her, can't you do something at the weekend with all of you together, BBQ or something as they like talking about their kids anyway why not meet them? It just all seems a bit strange.

walesdaff · 19/04/2013 12:07

Is it worse if they come home and then go out; like bye I am off out again darling to have dinner with a lady.
Rather than after work drinks/meals which I think sounds more like what richman is saying.