DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

[princessj29]

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

No, I didn't really think it was sinister just strange for it to be noticeable whilst the boy was lying down, esp for a little girl to notice

It was when he got up out of bed that she noticed, not while he was lying down

I'm glad you are speaking to children's services and to the boy's mum, OP.

op you must speak to childrens services, but i wouldnt rush into speaking to the mum. your ex will take that very badly wont her? if childrens services want to speak to her, or want you to speak to her they will, just make sure you get any advice or instructions from them in writing.

Ok. I agree with most posters that this is entirely inappropriate. My 2yo ds wakes upwith an erection. My 8yo ds wakes up with an erection. They are both very very obvious. A 5yo girl in my opinion shouldn't even know that a boy's bits stick up in the morning. In other words there's nothing "sinister" about any of this YET, but it's actually making your dd curious about things she shouldn't really be curious about yet, iyswim.
The poor 10yo boy - he sounds so uncomfortable about the whole thing. He's being forced to play with a 5yo girl who is meant to be spending rare time with her dad. You've said you don't want her to lose contact with him, yet she wouldn't want to go if the boy wasn't there. So why are you so keen for them to remain in contact?

Topsy - I don't know if she's aware what's going on though so seems heavy handed to involve children's services if talking to her would be enough to put a stop to it.
Spanish - she isn't old enough to decide she doesn't want contact, she'll be forced to whether she wants to or not. She (and therefore I) would be happier if she was home with me permanently but it isn't an option nor is it a decision I want to make for her. It's my responsibility to ensure her father has had every opportunity to have a good relationship with her, if he then doesn't then my conscience is clear

Fair enough, good point

I think you're more likely to be painted as an interfering ex if you start phoning the boy's parents.

You may need to sacrifice the amicable relationship with her father because he is not acting in her best interests. Why is she so reluctant to see him that she will only go if this boy is there? He sounds like a bit of a rubbish dad to be honest.

It is highly unlikely anything unpleasant is going on but both children need their privacy and both children are being put in an unfair position. I remember when I first started needing a bra I was absolutely mortified, so the boy may well feel exactly the same about his changing body.

By all means tell him you're going to contact children's services if you feel you ought to warn him, but unless he can guarantee that the situation will not happen again you should either contact them or not allow your daughter to stay overnight with him.

I don't see the problem with sharing a room at their ages. Them sharing a bed all the time would be unnecessary, but if it's the odd occasion of them falling asleep watching a film it is different.

You have every right to express your concerns to your ex but he doesn't have to do whatever you tell him just to appease you ... only what is in your daughter's best interests. So that is what I would focus on. Not the "it's inappropriate for them to share a room". As demonstrated on this thread, there are no laws and people's opinions differ. Don't focus on "I think" they need their privacy at this age.

Focus on your daughter. SHE feels uncomfortable. If she has expressed this to her father (even if it was through you) then he needs to tackle it if he can. They have another room, so he should be letting your daughter have her own room as she would prefer and put a bed in the other room so the boy can sleep there if needed. There's no reason they can't watch a film together at night if they both enjoy that and are happy, but the boy can take himself to his bed after or be moved by his sister or your ex.

I would focus on your daughter and what she is saying.

Please do something to protect both of these children, OP. I was in a situation similar to your daughter's and it did develop - I was a shy 5 year old, and the boy in question was younger than 10 but he was sexually aware. I wasn't hurt physically but I learned things I shouldn't have at that age.

My parents never knew; this happened at a mutual relative's house. Why she thought it was appropriate for the two of us to share a bed, I'll never know.

I also had a problem with my ex who thought it was just fine for my daughter - up to the age of 13 - to share a room with her stepbrother who was the same age. They had not been brought up together - he had only been her stepbrother since they were 11. My ex is stingy, to put it mildly, and thought there was no need for an extra room when they went on holiday; he also accused me of being "disgusting" for thinking it was inappropriate.

Since my daughter was that age (11-13), I was able to tell him -through clenched teeth - that she might start her periods at any time and that she needed privacy - and eventually he caved in. I was made to feel that I had "issues"; he persisted in the idea that I was seeing problems where there were none. My feeling was that my daughter's safety and comfort come first.

if he wants to abuse her then sharing a double bed or not will make not one jot of difference. I think you're overreacting.

Branleuse nobody thinks he is likely to abuse her. He sounds like a normal 10 year old and a very nice one if he's willing to give up weekends to entertain a 5 year old! The problem is that he is at an age where he needs more privacy. Changes are happening to his body and this will lead to the 5 year old witnessing things she shouldn't. For example he could have a wet dream at some point soon. He wont have any control over when that happens. I wouldn't want a 5 year old girl sharing a bed and seeing that. Equally I wouldn't want my 10 year old being teased by a 5 year old for 'wetting' the bed.

Equally a 5 year old shouldn't have to worry about being self conscious about her body in her own room. But if the boy is clerly ambarressed by seeing her naked, she will get slef conscious. It's normal behaviour for both of them.

The main problem is not the boys, who sounds lovely. But the dad who doesn't seem to care about the feelings of either of these children.

bran the OP hasnt said he might abuse her at all - just that it's inappropriate and the kids both feel uncomfortable about it!

X-posts

Branleuse - my "abuser" was a little boy himself. He also needed to be protected, and making him share a bed with a young relative was doing him no favours either.

"Abusers" at that age aren't necessarily evil predators determined to attack their victims. Once my bed-sharing episodes were past, I continued to see my relative frequently and nothing ever happened again.

He was not going to "attack" me in the company of other people - what he did was done under cover of darkness, when no-one was watching, and to be honest, he was a troubled wee boy; I doubt he thought he was abusing me. I didn't scream and push him off - I was embarrassed and uncomfortable but hadn't a clue what to do about it and I told no-one.

As I got older, it played on my mind more; if I'd told anyone, it would have become a huge problem within the extended family and we'd have been the focus of much anxiety and tension.

I can't say it's left me undamaged, but what was needed was to remove the opportunity for sexual experimentation which - in my case - was what it felt like, rather than outright abuse.

And thats exactly the point - troubled wee boys and experimental boys can do things they shouldn't be doing, without particularly knowing theyre doing something "wrong"