DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

[princessj29]

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

lol, couldnt he? I can't imagine my older one being like that tbh. I bought him the lets talk about sex book and he has hidden it in his wardrobe as he says he cannot bear to read it
the youngest one isn't as private mind

There is no suggestion of anything untoward but then she's grabbed DHs crotch a few times shouting 'goolies!' Which I guess you could interpret as a new found fascination with male genitalia which could add to concerns. Told ex about boys erection, he said he didn't believe it and that I can't comment as I don't know him. I said me not knowing him is part of the problem and I'm sure he'd kick off if I was leaving DD unsupervised with a 10 year old boy unknown to him.

Yanbu if he continues this behaviour I would stop overnight contact. I remember your last tread. It is nt far on the Children, I would also contact childrens service for advice

its not fair on the boy either. at 10years old he is legally culpable despite his mental maturity ( or not). the girlfriend would be wise to recognise this

I know I would if I were the girlfriend and you were 'the evil ex' I would ensure my brother were beyond reproach

it could possibly affect his whole life if an allegation is made - whether it is true or not.

call social services. Neither child should be in this position.

Boys of 10 are bound to get erections, its just physiology not sexual, but it is inappropriate for your 5 yo to witness it

h forgot to add about the bedroom thing

its his daughter - she should have her own room.

however the recommendations about room sharing and children are for council and housing association houses - and whilst some private landlords may adhere to it, if it is his own house, he could have as many people as he wants sharing a room

I feel sorry for both the kids, Boy is being dragged round to entertain a 5 yr old, and starting to get physical reactions which he cant control, Girl is being put into a situation shes obviously getting uncomfortable with, wholly unfair on both children.

My DS is quite immature for his age (he has mild AS which I think contributes to it) and was walking around in the nude at bath time until he was about 11 without any embarrassment. Thankfully, now I have forced privacy on him he has started to want it for himself and keeps his private parts private. However, back at 10 I could see all too clearly what was developing and what wasn't. From what I can see of his peers at school there are several with facial hair like DS (he has a definite tache) so I can only imagine that they started developing about the same time as him. 10 is on the young side for obvious changes but not unheard of.

I wouldn't suggest for one minute that has anything to do with potential abuse or anything seedy but it is about privacy more than anything. I am sure the boy doesn't want to be observed any more than the OP's DD wants to do the observing!

I do think you should contact children's services for advice OP.

Either they will contact your ex and he will be obliged to reconsider the situation, or they will tell you that your ex isn't doing anything wrong and you will be able to relax about it.

Has your dd said that she doesn't like sharing a room? Is she more worried now that she knows that you are worried?

I agree that it's sad for the boy to be there solely for the 5yr old girl.

Does the father not want to spend time with her??

Just explain that you are unhappy, he is unhappy so you need some outside arbitrator to help you come to a final decision.

FWIW - you're in the right I'm sure!

He won't change things because the boy is actually being used as an unpaid babysitter for your DD.

It is vile that your ex thinks it is ok to use a 10yr old boy like this and to dismiss or ignore your valid concerns for both children.

Call SS and tell your ex that you have done so, i wouldn't be giving him any more 'warnings' or waiting for the next contact.

I remember your first thread. It was a little while ago now though wasn't it? I don't think you should wait anymore. I reckon you just have to bite the bullet now.

I think the strangest thing you've said is that your dd isn't very close to her Dad but likes the boy, so her Dad always makes sure he's there to keep her happy.

Are you saying she wouldn't want to go if she was on her own? What does she get out of the visits? What does her Dad get out of the visits?

My concern isn't that it's a potentially dangerous/abusive situation, but that it's a sleeping arrangement that neither kid is happy with. I remember from your last post that the little boy was watching films in the room that scared your daughter. As much as he likes her he's getting body concious and wants some privacy. Why is this all so difficult for your ex to fathom??? The kids don't feel comfortable sharing and they have an extra bedroom, so what's his problem?

BTW my 7 year old stepson sleeps in the top bunk of his 16 year old sisters bedroom on his visits. Both of the kids are happy with this arrangement and we wouldn't have done this if DsD had objected.

I think you should be very clear and very firm and tell him that the kids don't feel comfortable with this arrangement. The kids need to both voice this too.

I still can't understand why the little boy is over his sister's boyfriend's house all the time

It's one thing for siblings, or even step siblings, to share a room at this age - thought still not ideal, as council housing recognises.

However, these are two unrelated children, with a big age gap. I would stop sending her there until she has her own room personally.

but if they had another child then either dd or the boy could share with the baby dependant on whether the baby is a boy or a girl? Your exes argument is bizarre - they don't have the hypothetical baby yet so there is no reason anyone should share atm.

ok I remember your first thread. I think you need to have a word with gf, or even boys mum. Surely his mother cant be happy about this. I feel sorry for both kids.

Dont be confrontational ex, just lay the facts out to gf/ her mum. Its not on and shouldnt be allowed to continue.

Agree with Honey the children both deserve their own private spaces, especially to sleep in and especially when the space is available.

I find it very worrying that your 5 year-old dd 'grabbed Dh in the crotch a few times and shouted goolies!'. Where did she learn that from?

I don't like it, but I work in the criminal legal system and am probably more paranoid than might otherwise be the case. Social housing would not permit them to share a room, let alone a bed. Camp bed in the lounge? We probably all cringe about stuff that happened as kids with other kids and I would not want to put my daughter in that position, sorry.

No DD wouldn't be happy about going for contact if the boy wasn't there, ex knows this but says it's important they're close as they're family, apparently. I have told him repeatedly that if the boy mentioned it at school it'd be referred to SS and that even if he only mentioned it to his friends he'd still be made fun of. DD is over-excitable and very affectionate and tries to kiss and cuddle the boy which she says he hates but it'd sound ver bad on him if she told someone other than me that they kiss and cuddle in bed.

No idea why the boys parents palm him off there so much. DH thinks exs gf is secretly actually his mum but shes so young that it's barely physically possible. Excares only that he is perceived as a good dad - he likes the attention he gets regarding DD but massively fails to parent her

whats the age difference between GF and brother?

Brother is 10, girlfriend is 21