DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

[princessj29]

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

Really have no idea why you let her go there in these circumstances.

Why are you op? You know it's a ridiculous and potentially nasty situation for both children and you arnt without blame here as you allow this.

Don't really understand you.

Yeah, Possible, but very highly unlikely, maybe the parents want the lad gone so they can engage in uninterupted shagging.

I dont think YABU at all. I wouldnt be happy with it either! They may like each others company but they deserve there own space, and like you say if they are going to have a baby it'll be over a year til it needs a room, in which case it can share with your DD if its a girl surely.

Why are you still talking about this on the internet ?

I think that deep down, you either believe there's a problem or you don't - presumably you do? Your arguments with your ex (SS would be involved "if" the children were overheard talking about it) loses all weight when you are doing nothing about it yourself. The message you are giving is that you DON'T really think there is enough of a problem (to contact SS yourself) here either. No wonder your ex is doing nothing about it.

I would phone SS actually. You'll most likely end up talking to someone really supportive, friendly and helpful, and get the advice you need.

Just stop contact. Don't agree to overnight visits unless DD is in her own room. No arguments, just spell it out to him. Either he puts her in her own room or he doesn't have her overnight. End of. No need for SS or anything else, take charge of the situation!

I would go postal if anyone allowed my son to be placed in that situation its stupid wrong and could create issues for both children.

But its quite interesting that a few days ago a mum was flamed for being concerned about her dd (4) sharing a bed with a unrelated adult woman just because the dd's dad was in a relationship with the woman and the woman didnt even live with dad.

There is 18 months between me and my brother, I am the older. I remember coming home from school one day to find my Dad putting up a partition in our shared bedroom. I was about 10 at the time, this was over 30 years ago.

My 6year old daughter sometimes shares a bed with her 14 year old brother.

I know him. I know the boundaries that I have taught him and they have known each other their whole lives.

I would not allow her to share a bed with just any 14 year old boy. Even if that 14 year old boy was the son of a woman my exh was living with.

And I know that he wouldn't permit it either.

pixie I wouldn't be happy about that either. It's not necessary. There are some very funny views on MN sometimes.

Of course its not necessary, its unbelievably stupid I'm very surprised the parents of the older boy are happy with the situation.

Op some years ago I had overnights removed from my ex's contact order due to unsuitable sleeping arrangements all I did was provide evidence ( email) from dad saying he didn't feel dc not having his own bed was not a problem and that what he did in his home was nothing to do with me.

The judge disagreed with him a decided a safe place to sleep was a basic requirement and if dad was unwilling to provide such a place he had to return dc to me by bedtime.

Pixie I have the problem that he won't correspond by email or text about it, presumably so he can lie about it if necessary in future. I've emailed my concerns anyway so there's a record. It isn't as simple as 'just stop contact if he won't do as you say.' We're both her parents and though I (and the majority of you) think he's in the wrong I cannot dictate what he can and cannot do in his own home with his daughter. I can, however, contact outside agencies with an impartial perspective. I want to move in a couple of years and suspect he'll try and prevent it so stopping contact so he takes me to court - which has already happened once - is not an option as I'll be labelled a contact blocker and the move may well be prevented. I'm going to ask ex for boys parents telephone number and if they fail to recognise how inappropriate the situation is and allow it to continue then I shall tell ex I'll be contacting SS.

I know what you mean and totally understand where you are coming from.

Some things are fairly reasonable to refuse on both sides and no matter how you look at it always will look that way but equally as such something's will never be considered to be reasonable. And his refusing communication in writing will never be considered as reasonable ( assuming he has the ability to text ect and has no significant learning disability) anybody hearing that he only wishes to verbally contact you will know exactly why. He can refuse to communicate via text and email all he wants but it would be perfectly reasonable for you to only communicate in that way and never answer a physical phone call from him or engage in any verbal convos other than trivial.

If every time you do speak to him and he attempts anything important just don't engage and follow it up via email. He's going to look very silly trying to claim you won't communicate with him if you can produce screen shots of your sent texts and copies of your emails proving him wrong.

As to the what he does in his house being nothing to do with you, to a degree you are correct but if it places your child or another vulnerable person at risk of harm then it is up to you to stop it and I think you are doing the right thing by contacting ss for advice. But I expect he will refuse to pass the parents contact details on ( and nothing you can do about that).

Removing overnights but providing additional time during the day is unlikely to be considered as blocking when there are legit concerns but do check with a legal person as even if ss advised this action it does not stop him arguing it out with you in court so a bit of legal advice would also help you decide what to do.

Op are you making this up? You keep finding a million reasons why you cant put a stop to this rather than the main one...Your DD and are being put in a terrible position. Why come on here and ask for advice?

You want to move in a few years and your worried this might affect it if you cause a fuss....poor dd.

You should have been on the phone to ss from the very beginning when exP was refusing to separate them not on here procrastinating?

Lets just hope that through all this airy fairy farting about nothing does actually happen. Both kids need protecting..not yours and exp bloody feelings/house moves

He claims written communication leads to misunderstandings and arguments and so will not engage in them. Refusing to talk to him isn't best for DD, we're quite amicable at long last and I want to keep it this way. It's impossible to offer more daytime contact other than by sacrificing my own weekends with DD which I won't do. Cakeeater - I had to let her go for contact after voicing my concerns to see if he'd listened. He hadn't. No Judge would back up stopping contact over something you've got no proof of him saying. It's his actions in not stopping it that'll count against him.

I think you should email him to keep your own record even if he doesn't email back.

Tell him that you hope he doesn't mind but you ran things past the NSPCC to get an unbiased view - separate from yourself and him. Say the NSPCC advised referring the matter to children's services and that you will need to follow the recommendations if the children sleep together again. Explain that you understand that DD is probably likely safe but that you can't be 100% sure and of course he will agree DD's welfare is the most important thing.

Serious, don't be a wanker. Its perfectly reasonable for the op to consider the possible impact of creating.

The matter is a subjective one mainly to do with uncomfortable situations and the possibility of a accusation of abuse rather than any actual abuse.

Do you have any understanding at all of what a pissed off nrp even one with no intention of having anything to do with a child they have PR for can do to a pwc via the courts if they are inclined to?

I've known nrp's who haven't turned up for contact for 2/3 years still be awarded significant contact orders or prohibitive steps orders preventing the pwc moving 4 streets away, changing a child's schools even going to court over tiny things like a pwc buying a kitten. And every time they do it it costs money sometimes lots of it. I've known a pwc being taken to court at least 4 times a year every year for 8 years by a vindictive ex just because he could and she was doing nothing wrong apart from refusing to be bullied by him.

Its a known fact that some types of parents use the court system to try and control and abuse ex partners.

( to anyone else reading please note I'm not saying this is exclusive to nrp's because its not just in the context of this thread the nrp stance is relevant)

Then speak to childrens services - your DD needs your care. Do something!!!! Don't let this continue.

cakeeater is not the first person on this thread to wonder exactly what is stopping OP from acting to protect her daughter

this is not the first thread she has posted on the subject, and she got exactly the same replies last time

a vague house move sometime in the future as opposed to weekly occurences of her daughter being potentially put at risk ?

it's a no-brainer

or, apparently not

Op. so just reserve all verbal communication to light chatty none important stuff.

If he expresses concern about written communications leading to misunderstandings then reiterate that if he misunderstands anything you write that of course you are more than happy to clarify as many times as he needs you to. And that it is a serious attempt to actively prevent arguments and promote openness.

I think its a good idea to email as Formica suggests but do not under any circumstances write it as tho its just dd at risk because if you do you will look bat shit crazy, both children are being placed in a unacceptable situation and both children should be protected from this obviously if you want to say that dd is your concern then do so but do not let it read as if you are accusing the 10yp boy of being a sex offender. If you step back and looked at the situation as a total stranger its quite likely you would feel the boy was more 'at risk' out of the two of them due to his age and understanding about his body and that's age group tending to be more self conscious that the average 5yo, as well as him being male thus more open to accusations than a female the same age would be. He is also over the age of criminal responsibility so any accusation could cause him huge problems even if untrue. Your dd being only 5 and a girl is much less at risk of that sort of thing.

So phrase it from a uncomfortable for both kids and both kids needing privacy to be respected and needing personal space to relax in.

Agree inappropriate, although maybe if they went on holiday ok to share room (but not bed).

Appropriate for a baby to sleep in same room as either child - although can see this is hard in first year due to unsettled sleep. Maybe if there was a small baby would think sharing room ok (but not bed).

I know anyfucker I was also on the last thread.

However it is perfectly correct to say when there is no actual abuse or obvious serious risk of abuse then if you go charging in talking about it as if there is then you will rarely be listened to will come across as a hysterical bitch ex and are likely to be able to get much support legally in the future or if the thing you are most frightened off does happen then you get treated like the boy who cried wolf unless medical evidence is none twistable.

The situation is foolish IMO its also unacceptable and unnessacery the dad is using a 10 yo child to make his limited parenting time easier and placing him in a uncomfortable position and as a result also placing his child in a unneeded uncomfortable situation but she is no more at risk of sexual abuse than she would be in her own room unsupervised with any other related or unrelated person of any age also in the house.

AF - I have spelt it out several times, but here goes again. I asked for advice here, spoke to NSPCC for advice, told ex of concerns and he didn't see a problem but had listened to my concernsso I waited to see if he stopped it at next contact -there has only been contact once since, don't know where you got that it is weekly - it hadn't stopped hence me updating and asking if it's now unreasonable to speak to SS. Formica- I do still email, he hates it!pixie I agree that the boy is much more vulnerable here which is why I think speaking to his parents is the next logical step before contacting SS.

I have seen you "spell it out" several times, princess, and I don't think you are doing enough as do the vast majority of respondents on both your threads