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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

141 replies

princessj29 · 16/04/2013 12:37

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 16/04/2013 13:03

It's just exs house but go lives there.

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 16/04/2013 13:04

Girlfriend lives there, even

OP posts:
Footface · 16/04/2013 13:05

There is no requirement for different bedrooms for each gender. The council will just tell you to partition the room using a wardrobe or curtain.

So the poor boy visits when your dd stays to keep her happy, has to share a room and is becoming body aware.

While your poor dd has to share a bed and is obviously uncomfortable with the situation.
Call ss, let them tell him.

alwaysinhiding · 16/04/2013 13:07

I dont really see the harm in them sharing a bed to watch a film if thats what your dd wants and likes him, he is only 10 thats very young, of course if your dd is uncomfortable then id put a stop to it.

Fakebook · 16/04/2013 13:09

In your last thread you were given loads of advice about this. I'm surprised you haven't sorted it out yet.

Original poster
princessj29 · 16/04/2013 13:10

He likes DD too from what ex and DD says but when they've bumped into his friends when out the boy has completely ignored DD, meaning she came home in tears. I suggested to ex he scale down the relationship a bit to prevent DD getting hurt when boy is a couple of years older and wont play with her at all, and to prevent her only wanting contact while he's there, but he says no

OP posts:
TigerSwallowtail · 16/04/2013 13:11

Do boys start puberty at 10? I thought it was about 12/13?

Original poster
princessj29 · 16/04/2013 13:11

Fakebook - I spoke to him then waited for contact to occur to see if he'd listened. He hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 16/04/2013 13:11

Between 9-12 so says Google.

OP posts:
Footface · 16/04/2013 13:14

It doesn't sound like ex is going to change, so I think you have to act

Viviennemary · 16/04/2013 13:15

This is just a totally inappropriate situation for a five year old. I wouldn't let her go there again. And would report to social services.

Owllady · 16/04/2013 13:15

my 11 yr old son hasn't started puberty and he is one of the tallest in his year

Tbh boys are much more innocent than they are ever painted to be and I imagine he is just as horrified about sharing with her actually I imagine he is more horrified. The room thing doesn't bother me so much either tbh,. but the bed sharing does and I can't understand why he thinks it's odd you have mentioned it tbh and it's not a massive request to ask they not sleep together ffs

boys behaviour in public is also normal. My son ignores his own friends when out and about, as I am sooooo embarassing

Owllady · 16/04/2013 13:17

I don't know any boys that are in puberty aged 9 or 10. I think that's over exaggerated. Does it mean the UK?

glossyflower · 16/04/2013 13:19

Or if you are getting nowhere with your ex can you discuss your concerns with his gf? She might see where you are coming from.
Maybe ex bf is worried to bring it up with his gf.

alwaysinhiding · 16/04/2013 13:20

not really unusal that he would be embaressed in front of his friends and yes im sure the friendship will soon dwindle but harmless imo. I actually remember when i was about 9-10 with my best friend and we played everyday with two boys that lived downstairs who were 6ish it dwindled eventually, we are fb friends now actually. Not really sure how puberty is relevant its not going to make him start abusing 5 year olds! children are more often than not just young and innocent quite sad that this situation arises suspicion at all tbh

ChasedByBees · 16/04/2013 13:20

Just get in touch with SS. it's your only recourse if your ex won't listen.

Jammybean · 16/04/2013 13:23

You are not BU. If it were my Dd I'd be very unhappy about it. And if dd's dad was not willing to change the sleeping arrangements I'd be reluctant to let her spend the night. We're talking about a 10 year old boy who is unknown to Op. It seems that they're not sufficeintly supervised and are just left to their own devises etc.

BigBoobiedBertha · 16/04/2013 13:26

I don't think it is very appropriate to be sharing a bed either. Actually, I don't think room sharing at that age is appropriate for children who aren't siblings and whilst I wouldn't be going to SS yet, I would be making it very clear to the Ex that if he doesn't take it seriously you will go to SS.

It is daft if their only reason for making them children share is that they might one day have a baby of their own. There is so much that could happen before that becomes a reality and in the meantime the children are growing up and are clearly not comfortable to be sharing any more.

I disagree that boys aren't starting puberty at 10. My DS's voice broke at 11. He is 12 now and has shot up and got very hairy in the last 2 years. I thank goodness he is one of the youngest in his year at school because if he had been one of the oldest, all this would have happened at junior school. Don't be fooled into thinking that 10 year olds haven't started changing. We don't know the child and he could be a late developer but then he might not.

adeucalione · 16/04/2013 13:32

Would SS really investigate this, given that there is no law in the UK that governs children of different sexes sharing a bedroom in a private household, and there is no suggestion of anything untoward?

digerd · 16/04/2013 13:36

Yes, I posted on the original Thread, and know all about an adult male's morning hormonal erection, but didn't know little boys got them. I was educated by one of the posters - I had no boys - so never too old to learn.
The 5 year-old little girl mentioned it 'sticking out under his pyjamas trousers' if I remember rightly?

OP did you mention this to ex?

Costypop · 16/04/2013 13:41

If they were housed by the council they would be given a 3bed. Councils never let you have a extra bedroom and will require children to share a bedroom, but at those ages the council would give a bedroom each, so as I guide I'd show him that

CiderwithBuda · 16/04/2013 13:45

I would agree that some boys start puberty at around 9/10. My DS is 11 had has had pubic hair for two years.

It sounds like your Ex wants the boy there to entertain your DD for him rather than try to build a relationship with her himself. Lazy parenting. And with that attitude I think you will struggle to get through to him yourself.

Owllady · 16/04/2013 13:47

how do you know he has pubic hair? Confused

I have just realised I have a very private son....

moonabove · 16/04/2013 13:47

I wouldn't want to get SS involved, they've got enough to cope with already. I think you are overreacting to them sharing a room but there is no need for them to share a bed.

Your ex is showing a lack of respect for your concerns about this arrangement so you need to make a stand on it - either she has her own room or she doesn't come.

moonabove · 16/04/2013 13:49

owllady - my ds couldn't wait to tell me and dh about his pubic hair!