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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD sharing bed with boy twice her age - update and advice please

141 replies

princessj29 · 16/04/2013 12:37

I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 year old DD sharing a bedroom with the 10 year old brother of her fathers girlfriend during contact. There is no need as its a 3 bed roomed house, they have occasionally shared a bed too and I think it's inappropriate. I told her father this but last contact they still shared a bedroom. I spoke to him this morning about it, he says he knows the boy and I don't, that the boy is young for his age and that he doesn't see an issue. I said he may act young but he is beginning puberty and that both children need privacy and to not be put in a vulnerable situation. He said he'll think about it. I previously spoke to the NSPCC about my concerns to check I wasn't over reacting, they advised I refer the matter to children's services. If they continue to share a bed/room WIBU to do this? Ex and I are amicable and I don't want to spoil that for DDs sake but feel he's being naive here.

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 17/04/2013 23:46

Pixie - the demented ex is precisely how he'd paint me so am keen to ensure I'm being logical and reasonable in the steps I take

OP posts:
Original poster
princessj29 · 17/04/2013 23:52

What do you suggest then AF? That I stop contact, get taken to Court and painted as a disillusioned contact blocker whereby ex may be awarded more contact than he currently has and the frequency of bed sharing may actually increase? Not to mention the disruption to DDs life and routine if contact stopped, as well as the quite probable irreparable damage to amicable relationship with ex. Would all that be in my daughters best interests do you think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:52

Any chance you could get a bit of a wriggle on with them logical and reasonable steps you are going to take ?

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/04/2013 23:53

So anyfucker exactly what would you do and how would you go about it?

Original poster
princessj29 · 17/04/2013 23:55

It is another week til contact so plenty of time for a conversation with the boys parents

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 23:55

Your ex is causing irreparable damage to your amicable relationship, princess, by ignoring your attempts to sort this out in a friendly manner

Time to step it up a notch. Why are you so frightened of engendering his disapproval ?

b4bunnies · 17/04/2013 23:57

grow a pair and sort this out.

Original poster
princessj29 · 17/04/2013 23:58

He hasn't ignored it, he disagrees.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 00:01

is that meant to mitigate against your inaction, the fact that he disagrees rather than ignores you ?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/04/2013 00:06

What inaction?

She was made aware of it,raised it as an issue gave him reasonable time to consider and reply then obtained advice from a professional she fully intending to raise the matter again highlighting the advice she has been given and if that does not rectify it pass it on to ss.

StuntGirl · 18/04/2013 00:10

If he's as unreasonable as you paint him here what on earth makes you think he will give you his girlfriend's parents phone number?

b4bunnies · 18/04/2013 00:10

stop contact because your child's comfort and safety are being compromised?

trashcanjunkie · 18/04/2013 00:10

I think you've done all the 'speaking to' that you need to princess... if things become less than amicable, it's not your fault. First thing tomorrow ring your local civic centre and get ask them to put you through to social services for your area. Ask for a senior social worker and put your concerns to them. You are right to be concerned, even if nothing is happening now. There is dreadful potential for disaster here. It's just not worth the risk. Everything is all right now you hope. Take steps to keep it that way. The other outcomes are unthinkable. Really shit you're having to step up, but better that than no one eh?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/04/2013 00:26

She is correct that if she just stops contact then it is highly likely she will be flamed in court and her concerns are unlikely to be taken seriously. And he would end up with more contact and more control.

The courts tend to frown on mothers who stop contact when no actual abuse has happened and the risk of actual abuse is minimal its treated a bit like taking heroin for a slight headache.

topsyandturvy · 18/04/2013 08:21

I am not so much concerned for your childs sexual safety, but for the fact that these poor two young children and being made to sleep in an arrangement that is making them very unhappy with regard to their bodily privacy.

I dont want to exaggerate the word really, but as far as I am concerned since there is no need to put them in this position it is, to me anyway, a form o fabuse.

OP, why are you implying that you have two choices, do nothing or stop contact? Stopping contact is not appropriate just yet as it will go against you in the future.

You need to tell exh what you have already been advised, face to face at first ie you asked nspcc anonymously etc etc.

If he still ignores then you email him and say you are very sorry to email but you have raised your concerns face to face and he has not acted upon them, and that this is what nspcc says blah blah.

Next step you tell him face to face that if he doesnt take action you will follow nspcc advice.

Then if he doesnt act you email him again saying sorry to be formal, but you have told him face to face and now you are telling him by email.

Then you contact childrens services and ask for their advice about the situation - the problem is not your dds risk of being abused, its her father ignoring the wishes of a 5yr old and a 10 yr old with regard to bodily privacy (mention morning erections). Tell them the steps you have taken and show them the evidence.

Then do what they tell you to do. If they suggest you stop contact immediately ask them to confirm their advice by letter or email as you are concerned re how it would look in court if exh tried to get custody in the future.

It is really very simple, but I suspect I may have wasted the last 5 minutes of my life typing this!!!

seriouscakeeater · 18/04/2013 09:46

morning sock just seen your eloquent comment! stop being a wanker?? how lovely! I take it that's why you jumped on my comment on another thread this morning? lol Wow some people become so invested in the lives of complete strangers.....put the tv or radio on if its getting you so angsty .

Its my opinion and I'm allowed one. The OP has shown inactivity over this, it's not the first thread she has wrote about it. Op is enjoying a merry dance of circles with herself hasn't gone with the over whelming majority so good luck to her, her dd and boy!

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/04/2013 10:02

Well you were being overly harsh and that's quite wankerish.

What other thread have I jumped on a comment of yours on? You know its not the done thing to bring one thread into another. Its quite usual to completely agree with someone on one matter but not on another.

One other poster and I regularly have bun fights about one issue but tend to agree on most other things. That's why you don't drag one thread into another.

I didn't even register that you were the same poster,so no I haven't been following you around the boards jumping on your comments.

Of course everybody has a opinion but jumping on a band wagon of hysteria does make you look like a wanker.

So given that you are so proactive,how would you sort this issue out? What would you do and what would your time scales be?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 18/04/2013 10:16

Op, I can't understand why you are still sending your dd to her dads if you are so unhappy about this. Just don't send her until your ex sorts out alternative sleeping arrangements. It is as simple as that.

Fwiw, I have a 10yr old ds and he would hate to share a bed with a 5yr old girl, and especially one that he didn't really know that well.

seriouscakeeater · 18/04/2013 11:36

lol sock breeaaath......

once again wankerish is just your opinion. Nothing I'm going to get upset about or involved in a bunfight with you as am not really that fussed .Plus I'm too old to be calling names back as well, its a bit ..meh!

I don't think every one was jumping on the band wagon of hysteria at all.. just getting a bit fed up that OP keeps posting for advice , yet does nothing. Its all a bit wishy washy now.

If you want to read my message up thread, I'd wrote what I would have done at the very start.

There was a very simple solution to this.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/04/2013 11:59

The op posted 2 threads one as soon as she was made aware and this one after she gave him a opportunity to rectify it. Since her first thread the child has had overnight contact once. She has also contacted the nspcc.

The situation is unwise and uncomfortable for the older boy but it is not a "omg this is direct child abuse get a SW as a emergency" if she stops contact with a ex who has form for court bullying it is quite likely to actually result in more contact and more shit decisions from dad.

Original poster
princessj29 · 18/04/2013 21:57

You're right Pixie, I have to play this carefully or ex will use it against me. DD told me today that the boy climbed up into her bed last time she was there and slept there all night and she said ex knew about it. I'm going to ask children's services for advice tomorrow and speak to the boys mum as have found her phone number on Facebook

OP posts:
pigletmania · 18/04/2013 22:24

Good on you op, you have to do that

bonnieslilsister · 18/04/2013 23:21

Does anyone else think it is a bit weird for a 5 year old girl to notice a boy's bits sticking up in the morning I mean for a 10 yr old boy it is not going to be very noticeable is it? He would have to be flat on his back with the bedcovers down otherwise you wouldn't see and at the age of 5 would you notice something like that? Do you think he is showing her op?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/04/2013 23:25

Bonnie, that's not the case its quite a noticeable thing and not really indicative of anything sinister.

stargirl1701 · 18/04/2013 23:30

I remember your other thread. Please take this further. The fact your DD was aware the boy had an erection demonstrates just how unsuitable these arrangements are.

I would talk to the Child Protection Officer at your DD's school.