To think that if you want to go on Masterchef you must cook the following dishes:

[muminthecity]

Starter:- Pan fried scallops with some sort of slop puree, preferably cauliflower. For extra points add a lump of black pudding.

Main:- Pan fried duck with some sort of fruit, orange, plum or redcurrants always go down well. Serve with either fondant/crushed potatoes and a red wine jus.

Pudding:- Chocolate fondant. Doesn't matter what you serve with it, if it works you will be hailed a genius regardless, if it doesn't, you will be sent home anyway.

If you want to be the wacky, 'inventive' one, add a bit of fruit to the scallops (apple maybe?), change the fruit you serve with the duck to a less conventional one (nectarine, perhaps?) and add some chilli to your chocolate fondant.

I love Masterchef but I'm so bloody sick of seeing the same dishes rehashed all the time!

Agreed. The pan fried scallops with pea or cauliflower puree has been going for years.

Latest thing seems to be sticking a bit of crispy fish or chicken skin like a sail in your dinner.

Might try that one.

I started a thread moanin g about Masterchef chocolate fondants a few weeks ago. Bloody stupid things.

You must also learn

How to do shit smears on plates
Do a coulis
Serve your rice like a sandcastle
Cook a fondant potato
Try to cook a tart tatin but screw it up

YANBU.

But don't forget the bit of burnt parmesan (sorry, 'tuile'!) which always has to feature somewhere.

Why do they even need to call them 'pan-fried' scallops every time? How else would you cook a scallop?!

Ah yes, the bit of crispy fish skin poking out of your mashed potato - yum

The ones I don't get are when they say they have never made something like pastry. If you're going on MC wouldn't you bloody well make sure you'd mastered pastry?

You must cook anything which causes the judges to pull pained facial expressions.

Oops, lots of crossed posts! YY to the shit smears and the tuiles, both very important accompaniments to any meal.

And one must NEVER attempt to cook a tarte tatin with anything other than apples - it never works!

Curry is increasing In popularity.

But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard.

Or just not watch and wait for the better versions or the Bake Off series...

'Deconstructed' puddings also seem quite popular. Fancy an apple crumble? Well instead of just fucking well cooking an apple crumble, why not put all the ingredients on a plate in separate little piles with a shit smear across the middle instead? Same goes for banoffee pie.

Itsjustafleshwound - Not watch it? But then what would I have to moan about?

Lol at shat on a plate.

"But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard."

They should have more people on who don't know the difference between pork and lamb.

Imagine the kind of smears he'd be doing!

Who knows what he might fry in a pan?

@ mrsmorton and 'she might as well have shat on the plate'

YANBU

Another is use every part of an animal and cook each using different methods but served on the same plate with a shit smear ie. pork loin with some raw offal-like bits on the side, served with pork trotters shaped into squares with Japanese breadcrumbs round the edge, topped with crispy deep fried pigs ears.

Yummmmmmmmm

Samphire, you`ve forgotten the samphire, it is an absolute must to use that this year

You need to be able to make any dessert in order
To make Greg Wallace eyebrows do a dance!!!!

'On a bed of rice'

It's just with rice FFS

Greg must have a poached pear. And John 'Asian flavours'.

And aswell as the obligitary skid mark, you must spend 2 hours making a 'jus' (or fekin gravy as we call it), and then place tiny droplets of it around the plate.

You could give Greg a turd to eat if you want, as long as it's covered in half a tonne of sugar he will still orgasm over it.

Hand made pasta
Bloody scallops
Asian
Anything tooth-achingly sweet
Weird curly cress-like leaves sprinkled on top
Sous-vide or whatever the water bath thingy is called (where the food looks like raw shite)
Or anything with mango (as per last joint winner)

I hate the plate smear thing. If I want sauce, I want loads of it (nor something that looks like a tiny dog has wiped its bum on the plate).

You don't see many spam fritters, do you?