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To think that if you want to go on Masterchef you must cook the following dishes:

240 replies

muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:11

Starter:- Pan fried scallops with some sort of slop puree, preferably cauliflower. For extra points add a lump of black pudding.

Main:- Pan fried duck with some sort of fruit, orange, plum or redcurrants always go down well. Serve with either fondant/crushed potatoes and a red wine jus.

Pudding:- Chocolate fondant. Doesn't matter what you serve with it, if it works you will be hailed a genius regardless, if it doesn't, you will be sent home anyway.

If you want to be the wacky, 'inventive' one, add a bit of fruit to the scallops (apple maybe?), change the fruit you serve with the duck to a less conventional one (nectarine, perhaps?) and add some chilli to your chocolate fondant.

I love Masterchef but I'm so bloody sick of seeing the same dishes rehashed all the time!

OP posts:

Maat · 10/04/2013 21:13

Agreed. The pan fried scallops with pea or cauliflower puree has been going for years.

Latest thing seems to be sticking a bit of crispy fish or chicken skin like a sail in your dinner.

Might try that one. Grin


soverylucky · 10/04/2013 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CosmicWanker · 10/04/2013 21:16

I started a thread moanin g about Masterchef chocolate fondants a few weeks ago. Bloody stupid things.

You must also learn

How to do shit smears on plates
Do a coulis
Serve your rice like a sandcastle
Cook a fondant potato
Try to cook a tart tatin but screw it up


chocolatesolveseverything · 10/04/2013 21:17


But don't forget the bit of burnt parmesan (sorry, 'tuile'!) which always has to feature somewhere.


muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:17

Why do they even need to call them 'pan-fried' scallops every time? How else would you cook a scallop?!

Ah yes, the bit of crispy fish skin poking out of your mashed potato - yum Hmm

OP posts:

WillieWaggledagger · 10/04/2013 21:18

The ones I don't get are when they say they have never made something like pastry. If you're going on MC wouldn't you bloody well make sure you'd mastered pastry?


Ledkr · 10/04/2013 21:18

You must cook anything which causes the judges to pull pained facial expressions.


muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:20

Oops, lots of crossed posts! YY to the shit smears and the tuiles, both very important accompaniments to any meal.

And one must NEVER attempt to cook a tarte tatin with anything other than apples - it never works!

OP posts:

LadyMountbatten · 10/04/2013 21:21

Curry is increasing In popularity.


MrsMorton · 10/04/2013 21:21

But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard.


Itsjustafleshwound · 10/04/2013 21:22

Or just not watch and wait for the better versions or the Bake Off series...



muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:23

'Deconstructed' puddings also seem quite popular. Fancy an apple crumble? Well instead of just fucking well cooking an apple crumble, why not put all the ingredients on a plate in separate little piles with a shit smear across the middle instead? Same goes for banoffee pie.

OP posts:

muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:24

Itsjustafleshwound - Not watch it? Shock But then what would I have to moan about? Grin

OP posts:

CosmicWanker · 10/04/2013 21:27

Lol at shat on a plate.


AThingInYourLife · 10/04/2013 21:29

"But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard."


AThingInYourLife · 10/04/2013 21:32

They should have more people on who don't know the difference between pork and lamb.

Imagine the kind of smears he'd be doing!

Who knows what he might fry in a pan?


HappyGirlNow · 10/04/2013 21:36

Grin @ mrsmorton and 'she might as well have shat on the plate'


Loislane78 · 10/04/2013 21:36


Another is use every part of an animal and cook each using different methods but served on the same plate with a shit smear ie. pork loin with some raw offal-like bits on the side, served with pork trotters shaped into squares with Japanese breadcrumbs round the edge, topped with crispy deep fried pigs ears.



DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 10/04/2013 21:37

Samphire, you`ve forgotten the samphire, it is an absolute must to use that this year Grin


thistlelicker · 10/04/2013 21:38

You need to be able to make any dessert in order
To make Greg Wallace eyebrows do a dance!!!! Grin


WillieWaggledagger · 10/04/2013 21:41

'On a bed of rice'

It's just with rice FFS


SavoyCabbage · 10/04/2013 21:42

Greg must have a poached pear. And John 'Asian flavours'.


paulapantsdown · 10/04/2013 21:43

And aswell as the obligitary skid mark, you must spend 2 hours making a 'jus' (or fekin gravy as we call it), and then place tiny droplets of it around the plate.


muminthecity · 10/04/2013 21:44

You could give Greg a turd to eat if you want, as long as it's covered in half a tonne of sugar he will still orgasm over it.

OP posts:

Moominsarehippos · 10/04/2013 21:44

Hand made pasta
Bloody scallops
Anything tooth-achingly sweet
Weird curly cress-like leaves sprinkled on top
Sous-vide or whatever the water bath thingy is called (where the food looks like raw shite)
Or anything with mango (as per last joint winner)

I hate the plate smear thing. If I want sauce, I want loads of it (nor something that looks like a tiny dog has wiped its bum on the plate).

You don't see many spam fritters, do you?

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