To think that if you want to go on Masterchef you must cook the following dishes:

[muminthecity]

Starter:- Pan fried scallops with some sort of slop puree, preferably cauliflower. For extra points add a lump of black pudding.

Main:- Pan fried duck with some sort of fruit, orange, plum or redcurrants always go down well. Serve with either fondant/crushed potatoes and a red wine jus.

Pudding:- Chocolate fondant. Doesn't matter what you serve with it, if it works you will be hailed a genius regardless, if it doesn't, you will be sent home anyway.

If you want to be the wacky, 'inventive' one, add a bit of fruit to the scallops (apple maybe?), change the fruit you serve with the duck to a less conventional one (nectarine, perhaps?) and add some chilli to your chocolate fondant.

I love Masterchef but I'm so bloody sick of seeing the same dishes rehashed all the time!

What you lot are all missing is a passion for food, whilst serving up some sickly-sweet deconstructed treacle sponge for Greg a bag of flour, sugar and a tin of golden syrup, plus some raw lamb/duck/whatever for John, but packed full of flivour.

And the lucky ones go through to the next round and satisfy their burning literally desire to work in a hell hole of heat with some ghastly chef shouting obscenities at them professional kitchen.

I love 'Overwhelmed potatoes' . They should think up some new adjectives to describe mash - 'disappointed new potatoes' maybe? 'anxious king Edwards'?

Sir and Lady Ponsonby-Smythe and the Generals of the Hoity Toity Club, Mayfair

On the pan fried point, I don't see anything wrong with specifiying "pan fried", i.e. fried in just enough oil to cover base of pan, to distinguish it from:

Shallow fried: partly submerged in oil

Deep fried: totally submerged in oil

Dry fried: wipe smear of oil in pan

Griddle fried: shallow fried on griddle pan.

Dairymo: I've seen that before, but it still makes me nearly piss myself laughing.. That shit smear of ketchup !

I should go on and cook food that my mediterranean mother taught me to cook, straight from the heart... spaghetti with a jar of ready made tomato sauce. With a slice of Viennetta for pudding. Yum! Not everyone in these "foody" countries is a good cook or gives a monkeys about food..

I should add that the spaghetti would most definitely be shop bought, as well. Although I could buy that refrigerated "fresh" pasta for that special something to really knock the judges off their feet..

I might not have the time, but could get a block of cheese instead of ready grated to top the pasta with. I would grate it with one if those rotating mill things that my 3 year old loves. Et voila - Surely that is perfection!

I dont get the obsession with 'fresh' pasta.

TBH every time I go to a restaurant where they are doing some sort of fresh pasta linguine with squids ink nonsense on a plate it always seems cloying and squidgy. Doing it with really good Italian brand of dried pasta made in a high quality factory is a lot better to me.

Having a good cackle at all these emotional potatoes. Horrible things happen to potatoes:

Bereaved potatoes (mash)
Divorced potatoes (chips)
Caesarian potatoes (jackets)
Discombobulated potatoes (rosti)
Narcissistic potatoes (fondant/piped)
Hanging potatoes (fried)

Mature potatoes (not new ones)

dairymoo

thanks for the video, made me laugh out loud

here's another good one:

yy to dribbles being replaced by droplets being replaced by smears. It's like a Primary School toilet on a plate

naive potatoes (new)

It's celeriac puree that they all do.

Or "crushed potatoed' which are just an excuse for crappy mashed if you ask me.

I don't get the obsession with tarte tatin. Just make a normal pie ffs. None of that upside down nonsense.

And creme anglaise is CUSTARD!

masterchef Scouse version

Starter
Iceland prawn ring, blasted in the microwave to ensure a hot outer and icey crisp inner.

Main
Findus crispy pancakes, charred around the edges and lukewarm filling, accompanied by frozen veg (extra oints for weird tasting peas) with a shit smear of value tomato ketchup.

pudding

Deconstructed Angel delight. ( a bowl of powder and a cute mini bottle of milk next to it.)

Omg forgot the chips... Cheesy chips to accompany main...

I actually thought that the scallops had been less omnipresent this year. I genuinely couldn't eat my lunch after reading about Greg's "sex face". And totally agree about the foam - it looks like the scum you get floating on top of the pan when you boil dried beans. And I so wish that John would stop calling pasta "parsta".
I'm waiting for someone to do prawn cocktail (with thousand island dressing from Morrisons), well done steak and black forest gateau.

It would have to be a deconstructed black forest gateau though for the contestant to get through to the next round.

I love this thread.

My menu is
Scallop wallop
Thai pie
and Brisket biscuit.

So funny reading this thread. Nothing new to add, but I love and will adopt the term shit smears .

Bloody 'deconstructed'. It's deconstructed pretty well when its worked its way through my digestive system, thank you very much. I want it constructed.

In all seriousness I'd love to see them do an Allergies Challenge.

And what's with all the bloody water baths or whatever for the fish. Oh yes we all have access to those