To think that if you want to go on Masterchef you must cook the following dishes:

[muminthecity]

Starter:- Pan fried scallops with some sort of slop puree, preferably cauliflower. For extra points add a lump of black pudding.

Main:- Pan fried duck with some sort of fruit, orange, plum or redcurrants always go down well. Serve with either fondant/crushed potatoes and a red wine jus.

Pudding:- Chocolate fondant. Doesn't matter what you serve with it, if it works you will be hailed a genius regardless, if it doesn't, you will be sent home anyway.

If you want to be the wacky, 'inventive' one, add a bit of fruit to the scallops (apple maybe?), change the fruit you serve with the duck to a less conventional one (nectarine, perhaps?) and add some chilli to your chocolate fondant.

I love Masterchef but I'm so bloody sick of seeing the same dishes rehashed all the time!

or a pancake with chocolate sauce served with tearful face. Agree with weird meat, and it must be fried, then oven cooked, but STILL raw in the middle.

I loved the kid's Masterchef when a posh boy with a red face took his cakes out 10 minutes into cooking time, sprinkled baking powder on the top of them and put them back in to finish cooking. I laughed for at least 15 minutes. There needs to be more of that.

If I went on masterchef I think I'd serve curly fries in a bowl with ketchup and mayonnaise garnish*

*this is my guilty pleasure meal

almapudden if I was a judge on that episode I'd give you top marks and instantly declare you the winner!

I'd cook my 'lazy' shepherds pie - Use Veggie soup instead of veg, and garnish with sliced boiled potatoes! (honestly it tastes blinking fantastic!)

And don't forget that you absolutely must use microherbs...............

When did things start to be 'pan fried', how else can you fry?

I suppose you could deep fry, but then you'd say that.

I detest the shit smear on a plate thing.

I also detest the foam thing. It looking fucking grim. Like spume. Like manky polluted sea foam on a dirty beach.

Although I will concede that I ate scallops (pan fried, natch) with a puree of some sort (probably cauliflower) and a white truffle foam a few weeks ago and it was UTTERLY DIVINE.

I could just do without the skidmarks.

Do people really eat meat squeeking these days? Its been a long time since I ate meat but even when I was little in France it at least hit the pan/grill before serving.

John did have a point about that chicken curry though - why the heck she used curry powder and chicken breast I have no idea

Does anyone remember way back - I think it was in the 2nd series or something - a lad in the first round invention test literally opened and drained a tin of chickpeas and then did something like squirt some tomato sauce round them and that was his dish! He didn't even heat them up! Genius. Surprisingly he didn't get very far though.

Hilarious thread

One thing that really puzzles me is the amount of contestants who are flummoxed when they are asked to:

make a souffle,
make some pastry,
make some pasta,
do a bit of 'sugar work',
fillet/bone a fish,
make a custard
or differentiate between raw meats.

I'd make damn sure i could do all the above properly before applying to go on the telly to cook, and it amazes me how many don't.

(can't do all the above personally, but then wouldn't apply to go on MC either )

I always want to know how they keep the food hot until the judges eat it. The way TV filming actually works the tasting must happen aaaaaaages after the actual cooking has been done.

I bet the judges are eating cold food.

THE WHOLE THING JUST MAKES ME SHOUT AT THE TELLY!

The language is getting repetitive, too. Crushed potatoes. Can't they mix it up a bit? Overwhelmed potatoes.

It's the poncey restaurants that are the worst for smears of stuff and 3 inadequate drops of sauce. Wouldn't want to eat most of the dishes the contestants are set to make in the professional kitchens.

I made a chicken and mushroom stir-fry last night. It was yummy, unlike most of the Masterchef efforts. But I didn't serve it with smears or foam, and there were no pansies, so John and Greg would have gated it.

hated

Love this thread

I too have the urge to get on to the actual program, do really well, then for the last bit when you cook your own dishes, do smilie potato faces and chicken dippers. Followed by angel delight, deconstructed of course.

Oh and when it's the mass catering challenge...

Spaghetti bolognaise...
Chicken curry...
Vegetable bake(?! Whatever that is!)...
And

Apple crumble!

All totally novel ideas! Well done contestants!

Has anyone done 'soil' yet.

A 'soil of mushroom's on a bed of cauliflour puree with a garden of vegetables' may just have been the worst thing I have ever eaten.

I bet someone does 'soil' if they haven't already. It tastes like soil, looks like soil and it may as well be soil.

MoreBeta. Arf at soil..I believe they do another one called snow usually on puds, I don't mind betting both will turn up before the final.

I think that the mass catering challenge should be 'cook 200 filling, nutritious meals for the needy at Shelter spending only 50p a head' not 'cater for the diamond wedding pah-ty or Sir and Lady Ponsonby-Smythe and the Generals of the Hoity Toity Club, Mayfair'.

Went to a French wedding once and DH's succinct description of the food was 'Alright I suppose, but rather lah di dah and faffed about.' It was either raw or venison/foie gras. Being a. pregnant and b. a bit icy about the animal welfare aspect I left hungry. No one really noticed though, as long as I copied the (emaciatedly thin) other Ladies by making lots of enthusiastic conversation and noise about it and pushing it round my plate.

The fish man throws in a load of that samphire stuff for free round these parts. I imagine it would cost a fortune in a posh London deli.

Selfridges sells it. It just looks like squidgy weeds to me.

About 10 years ago I ordered a peach crumble in a Gordon Ramsay restaurant, when it came it was a sliced raw peach with crumble scattered on top it was shite. MC always reminds me of that disappointment.

I really, really want one of the contestants to draw a cock on a plate using one of those squeezy plastic bottles full of the red wine and star anise reduction they just spent three hours making.

Greg must sweat syrup.

Obviously the scallops must be deep fried, possibly in batter reveals Scottish roots
Lamb, served cooked not practically still baaing as appears to be de rigour in poncy restaurants these days

I bet you common lot put the gravy or cream straight onto the plate, instead of serving it in little doll size jugs. Chavs!