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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 15/04/2013 13:03

Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors and you can't know for sure why she wanted to bring her dd. YANBU at all, but please have a bit of compassion in case there's something you don't know? She has form for not leaving her dd with her dh and that raises red flags for me because of my own home life.

DontmindifIdo · 15/04/2013 13:08

Don't feel bad, she should for being difficult. If she comes along and sulks, then pull her up on it, she choses to come on an adult only weekend she can't get stroppy that her DD isn't there, she's had it spelt out to her. If she decides not to go, then don't feel bad either, that will be her choice. She is trying to force her choices on you.

Trills · 15/04/2013 13:09

Your forthright friend is doing the right thing.

Your friend who wants to bring a child to an adults-only weekend is bing a manipulative tosser.

rainbow2000 · 15/04/2013 13:09

Im glad your straighttalking friend rang as the ball is in her court now.I wouldnt feel guilty she shouldnt have told her dd she was going in the first place.

True nobody knows what happens behind closed doors but some mothers just dont go anywhere without their kids.Its not always sinister.

sherbetpips · 15/04/2013 13:10

Good on you! We had a similar problem recently where we had planned a beauty day - lots of pampering and champers, then SIL number 1 says that her and SIL 2 want the DD's to come (SIL 2 had not been consulted). Ended up cancelling and not doing it rather than causing a family problem which was a shame as it was originally a plan for me and my mums birthday, which my sister was coming along to as she was back from overseas, which she then blabbed to SIL 1, so we then had to ask SIL 2 and then suddenly it was daughters too!
Particularly annoying as under 16's are not allowed in spa's on there own or to have any treatments so it would have completely disrupted the day. I personally would take the approach that I would love to come however I have to look after DC....... if they say oh well see you next time at least I know I was invited!

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 13:11

Please don't feel bad or let this ruin your weekend OP. Your friend is being selfish and manipulative. She has been told No. How she deals with that is up to her. It's up to you and your real friends to have a wonderful, enjoyable, adult weekend.

vintageclock · 15/04/2013 14:26

Do not give in to your friend on this. A group of us were put in a similar situation a couple of years ago and eventually agreed, reluctantly, that a friend could bring her DD on a girls weekend away. It was a total disaster. The child was bored and asking when were we going to be finished lunch (we had planned to sit outside for the afternoon sipping wine and chatting), pestering us to go to the tacky funfair on the other side of the beach (which we had planned to avoid like the plague) and generally making a nuisance of herself. A couple of people couldn't hide their annoyance which made the mum a bit huffy. Another friend was making decisions re pandering to the child's presence without consulting the rest of us: 'We'll cancel our table in the dining room and go for pizza at about 7. Of COURSE we don't mind. Poor Maisie doesn't want to sit through 3 courses in a boring hotel', resulting in the rest of us being furious and shooting daggers looks at her while she beamed generously at Maisie's mum.
The whole weekend descended into bitching behind closed doors, snippy remarks and an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. I couldn't wait to get home and was raging at having spent so much money on a crappy break.

Seriously, it will end in tears - and they won't be the little girl's.

Squitten · 15/04/2013 14:29

No, no, no, OP!

There's nothing to feel negatively about. Your friend is out of line trying to rearrange the terms of the trip and your mate has done exactly the right thing by telling her straight. She was evidently determined to ignore subtlety!

The choice is now hers as to whether she wants to come or not. You have nothing to feel bad about!

HullMum · 15/04/2013 14:33

I wouldn't be too hard on her, you don't know what the situation is at home. if her dh really is a knob she may feel she can't leave DD with him, for some reason. But if she has to stay home, she has to stay home and she shouldn't make things awkward for you guys

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/04/2013 14:43

Hullmum, no one is suggesting this mother get a hard time. Just that the OP and her friends not feel guilty for saying "No".

vintageclock · 15/04/2013 14:43

If she doesn't feel she can leave her DD with her DH then there is a fundamental problem that needs sorting out - dragging her daughter around with her everywhere is really just sticking plaster stuff, its not dealing with the issue (if there is one).

girlsyearapart · 15/04/2013 15:09

I have/am having similar problems with a friend.
We parent in completely different ways which is fine in our own space but when we are in a group with other families and this friend does things totally differently it really winds me up.

Basically whatever her kids want they get regardless of what the rest of the group are doing.
It has recently come to a head where I have said to her I want to continue the friendship as adults but no longer in groups with the kids.

I have now been accused of leaving her kids out. Even th

girlsyearapart · 15/04/2013 15:16

.. Even though I haven't organised anything or am planning on it.

A while ago I had cheap theme park tickets and was taking my niece for her b day and taking my other niece and my older two.

My cousin was also coming.

I hadn't told any of them where we were going until they arrived at the gates so none knew therefore couldn't have told friends daughter.

Friend basically invited her dd to come and I said no as its for my niece is a family thing & we already had 6 kids between two adults.

I was then accused of ''making her dd cry all weekend'

The only way she could've known about the trip was if her mum told her!

It's horrible as I end up feeling guilty when I didn't do anything & just trying to be realistic..

So op try not to feel guilty if her dd is feeling put out as her mum shouldn't have told her without asking you all first

LIZS · 15/04/2013 15:40

Good for your forthright friend ! Nightmare woman - she sounds manipulative and trying to make herself superior by parading perfect child. Whatever her circumstances it isn't fair of her to foist her idea of a good weekend with dd in tow on everyone else.

SayMama · 15/04/2013 15:50

Oh sorry x-posted there before! Well done you and well done your friend! Try not to let it spoil a much anticipated trip!

CheerfulYank · 15/04/2013 17:02

Yay for lay-it-on-the-line friend!

TalkativeJim · 15/04/2013 17:12

Well if she tries to make you feel guilty with any pointed comments, then the obvious reply is 'Yes, I can't believe your DH put you - and us - in such an awkward position.'
:)

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 17:24

Do NOT feel guilty. Good on straight-talking friend with backbone.

NO backing down.

HullMum · 15/04/2013 17:34

oh absolutely vintage, but that doesn't mean it always happens

rainbow2000 · 15/04/2013 17:39

TalkativeJim thats a good idea,put everything back on her dp see what she says then.

Id ring her and say no kids,its not a snub on her dd but its adult weekend away and so isnt suitable.

bigTillyMint · 15/04/2013 17:41

Well done to your blunt friend!

Your friend who wants to bring her DD comes across as quite needy/self-obsessed and PFBy. If this is so, you are doing her a favour as she needs to take a look at herself.

However, it may be that her DH is a complete arse and she doesn't feel happy to leave the DD with him, in which case maybe the blunt talking will help her to tell you all that this is the case.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2013 17:41

She was planning to leave the DD at home with her father, then the knobhed decided he wanted to go play golf.

So YY, 'I can't believe your DH put you and us in this situation. It's unfortunate.'

Her knobbo DH is her problem. The decent thing to do would be to back out if she can't tell her husband where to go with his golf weekend, not expect everyone else to accommodate her.

Schnarkle · 15/04/2013 17:53

There probably is no golf weekend, she just want's to parade her daughter. Her daughter isn't like all those other annnoying children you know Grin

TolliverGroat · 15/04/2013 17:57

Although further upthread, expat, OP says that this friend has form for insisting on bringing her DD along to everything and there is much suspicion that the DH golf tournament excuse may be not entirely true and the DH less knobby than he appears (the fact that friend had apparently told her DD she would be coming on the weekend away before asking the other participants adds some support there, IMO).

Still appropriate though to assume in communication with her that the story she told is true and that it is indeed the DH's fault.

MrsMelons · 15/04/2013 18:42

Don't feel guilty at all - her husband is the one that should feel guilty!

I don't think she should have even asked you TBH. I have young DCs and I love to have my time away/out with my friends, I would never ask to take them along and would not wish to entertain someone elses children when I have arranged a babysitter or left them with their dad.

My SIL used to want to let her DD join in everything with adults and TBh it ruined quite a few of our evenings, especially when we'd made the effort to put our DCs to bed or got a sitter. We had a meal with some friends at hers one night and her DD decided she wanted to stay up till 1130/12 (she was 5) and wanted to lay on the sofa with her duvet so SIL made us sit on metal dining chairs (garden ones really) all evening - everyone was itching to leave!

In the end we said something and she now leaves DD behind or puts her to bed and has actually admitted how much more fun she has in just adult company!|