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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
Inncogneetow · 16/04/2013 08:13

Well done forthright friend.

Don't feel guilty: just look forward to a fab weekend and be grateful that due to your efforts (and your mate) it's going to be child-free.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 16/04/2013 09:19

Enjoy your weekend get together! Dont feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. I like Forthright friend! Grin

Hmmkay · 16/04/2013 09:39

Her response is so bloody selfish to try and make you all feel bad! Angry Your email was friendly and to the point and you really couldn't havent been any nicer about it. I don't know if I would be bothered about being friends with someone who was willing to try and guilt trip all her friends like that! She doesn't sound like a very nice person!

You should all go and enjoy your weekend - dont let her make you feel guilty about it whether she is there or not as none of you have done anything wrong. She's the one who should be feeling guilty for putting you all on the spot like that!

Farewelltoarms · 16/04/2013 09:51

Sorry no 6-year-old gets really excited about spending a weekend with her mum's friends unless it's been sold to her as a really exciting event. I'm with those that suspect that the friend wants to bring the daughter and, while I'm not doubting that the golf thing is taking place, she never said you can't go to the DH or that the childcare was his responsibility.
I miss my dcs like crazy when I'm away from them but I still have a brilliant time and really welcome the opportunity to miss them (they are so much more appealing in their absence than in the middle of the Easter holidays).

Original poster
arabesque · 16/04/2013 11:24

I had a phone call last night from the mum, giving out about forthright friend and the way she'd spoken to her. I took a deep breath and said 'to be honest, she really had no choice. We did try to explain nicely in the email why you couldn't bring dd'.

She then started on again about dd being really well behaved and used to being around adults. So I said that I had no doubt her dd was a lovely child but no six year old was going to be happy sitting in a fancy restaurant for several hours while the adults ordered another bottle of wine; or hanging around the hotel lounge while we drank coffee and gossiped or wandering around the village looking at antique shops and could she honestly say there would be no point during the weekend at which we would end up having to do something to amuse her dd. Also, how would she feel about her 6 year old listening in on very adult conversations or hearing bad language?
She said 'well, it wouldn't have to be like that?' I asked what she meant and she just said 'oh nothing'. Then she said that she 'wasn't happy' about the whole thing and would 'have to think about it'.

I rang my forthright friend and we have agreed that we are booking the hotel and a restaurant table today for ourselves and the other four girlswho are coming. We will send her the details so she can book herself in or not as she wants. We are worried, from what she said, that she might get on to other members of the group and start wheedling them to agree to go to a child friendly hotel or bucket and spade type location instead of the really nice country house style hotel we'd decided on so we want to pre empt that.

Forthright friend is also going to email the others telling them about the conversation she had with the mum and making it clear that she has been told, in no uncertain terms, that her daughter is not welcome.

TBH, I just hope she decides not to come at this stage. She's being a total pain.

OP posts:
fedupwithdeployment · 16/04/2013 11:30

Good for you.

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/04/2013 11:32

She doesn't like to give up does she!

YellowDinosaur · 16/04/2013 11:32

Your friend is being a selfish pain in the arse and to be honest I think if she continues like this I'd be not far off telling her she was no longer welcome since even if she comes without her dd now she's going to make it really awkward for everyone.

You have the right idea in booking anyway and giving the others a heads up. If anyone else chooses to go away with her and her dd then that's their call - you and forthright friend will i'm sure have a great time and i'm pretty sure the others will come with you to!

Floggingmolly · 16/04/2013 11:33

At this point; she needs to be told that neither she nor her daughter are welcome. She's gone beyond any normal behaviour now, and you still have the worry that she still hasn't accepted it, and there's more nonsense yet to come.
Get forthright friend on the phone again, before she ruins the holiday for all of you.

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/04/2013 11:34

I'm totally gripped by this story.
Are the others on board with you and forthright friend, or is there any chance they could be talked round by the child's mother?

Gerrof · 16/04/2013 11:35

If you have sent her the details what will stop her from booking herself and her daughter in and just turning up anyway? She seems thick skinned enough.

Squitten · 16/04/2013 11:35

Absolutely right OP. Just book it all up as a done job and include your friend in the email with the query that you weren't sure whether she was coming and so she needs to book herself in.

Shereally is persistent over this! Take no crap OP!

YellowDinosaur · 16/04/2013 11:37

I do think there is a real risk of her booking in with her dd regardless though. So I'd be reluctant to send her any details if I were you and just tell her you've booked and if she wants to come too (without her dd) to get in touch so you can add her to the booking. For now thoughyou're presuming she won't be there.

Gerrof · 16/04/2013 11:38

She is so going to book it anyway and turn up with dd in tow.

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2013 11:38

I'd be telling her not to bother at all tbh.

Tough shit if she sees her arse. She's a selfish cow.

Squitten · 16/04/2013 11:39

Oooh yes - she could well book her kid in anyway! Don't tell her anything!!

NinaHeart · 16/04/2013 11:42

What kind of friend is she that she is happy to ride roughshod over the (beautifully expressed) views of the group, or try to pick them off one by one?
I'm not sure I would even want such a selfish and manipulative perosn to be my friend at all.

NinaHeart · 16/04/2013 11:44

Oh and what I meant to add is that I wouldn't even speak to her about how it won't be suitable for her DD, simply reiterate the "We have decided as a group to be child-free". The suitability isn't the real issue, the group decision that she is trying to overturn is.

Loulybelle · 16/04/2013 11:45

Shame you couldnt book one of those adult only hotels.

But if i was going to a girls weekend i wouldnt take DD, althought shes really well behaved and loves shopping, we do tend to get a little "Adult".

I think your friend was suggesting that you have "PG" weekend instead of "18+" one.

DontmindifIdo · 16/04/2013 11:49

No, if she wants to book her and her DD in, knowing now what sort of weekend it will be, let her, but make sure you tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not alter your plans, your language or your conversation to be child friendly - so if she wants to go off with DD and join you for drinks in the bar once she's asleep, that's fine, but she was told this wasn't a child holiday. What she'll probably do is not come along.

Mind you, you could try asking her if there's a reason she's not happy to leave her DD with her DH - does she think he's not safe or not able to look after her? That you'd all be understanding if she's trying to tell you she's got problems at home. (if she's just being "my child is the centre of the world, can't you see that?" realising that it looks like she's in an abusive relationship might knock some sense in her, if she's not and really has problems, it might be away to get her to open up so you can help)

Binkybix · 16/04/2013 11:49

I'm delurking. Gripped by this thread too!

Good on you OP. I just cannot imagine anyone I know with children behaving like your friend. A bit cheeky to ask in the first place, and ringing you up about it is outrageous.

Did you ask if DH could change his plans during your phone call at all? (Although beginning to agree that the golf weekend might be a bit of a red herring too)

Lottashakingoinon · 16/04/2013 11:52

Well much as I take on board what other posters who are much nicer than me have said about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors and whether or not she's getting a hard time from her husband, the fact is thateven though you might want to help her through them, a girly weekend with her daughter in tow is neither the time or the place.

That aside, I had a feeling all along that someone who was foggy sighted enough to think it was okay to even ask to bring her daughter along to an event like this was going to be sufficiently thick skinned to ignore nicely framed emails about it not being a good idea.

Her reaction has proved that you don't need to feel guilty. Just go ahead and do what you want to do (can see the good sense of not giving her the leeway of booking for herself), carry on being friendly and including her in future events if that's what you want, but she must take responsibility for her own and her DD's disappointment. If she does that then you will have done her a favour.

Have a great time: swearing, eating, drinking, lounging around....you sound like my kinda gang! Could lose the antiquing though Grin

bootsycollins · 16/04/2013 11:53

Bloody hell she's got more front than Blackpool.

Bearbehind · 16/04/2013 11:54

arabeseque what ever you do, don't send this woman the booking details and tell her to make her own arrangements. She obviously thinks she is in the right and IMO that is just giving her the perfect opportunity to book her and her daughter to come.

If I were you I'd make your arrrangements as planned and email 'the entitled one' to say you've made your plans and if she wants to come you can add her to the booking.

Lottashakingoinon · 16/04/2013 11:55

The suitability isn't the real issue, the group decision that she is trying to overturn is.

Absofuckinglutely