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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 18/04/2013 12:15

Delurking onto this thread to offer the OP support. Please don?t feel bad, sad yes as that was horrible, but it wasn?t your or your friends fault. She is being a Grade A B1tch and lashing out because she didn?t get her way, she clearly thinks you should have just said yes and gone along with what she wanted.

I had a friend like her, someone who I had also lived with. We had one minor disagreement (or so I thought) when I asked her not to do something and she insisted on doing it. I backed down and let her get on with it as I was shocked that she was ignoring me but decided just to let it go and think it wasn?t worth falling out over (it was really minor). She apparently stewed on it for days and then started b1tching about me to our mutual friends and generally being horrible.
When I asked her why she was so off with me (I wasn?t aware of the b1tching) and shall we sort it out, she just went off on one and started telling me all of my faults and how much of an awful person I was. It was a massive shock and none of it rang true to me, I was just standing there thinking, you are describing yourself love. 2 of my friends who witnessed it (and dried my eyes) also said she was completely projecting on to me.

So please don?t take what she said to heart, see it for what it is and know that she has issues that you can do nothing about. Try not to dwell on it and agree with your friends that you won?t discuss it again, especially not on the weekend away.
You may not want to respond but if you do, all I would email her is: ?I?m sorry you have such a different view of things and that you felt the need to handle it this way but you will agree to disagree and not contact her again.

Goodbye?

No defending yourself (as much as its natural to want to) and no further discussions of who I right / wrong. Just simple and over with so you can move on, people like her always see themselves as in the right and quite frankly make stuff up to suit their own opinion.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 18/04/2013 12:15

Sounds like it's for the best. You really don't need such a person in your life anyway.

Don't allow her spiteful rant to make you feel bad. Sounds like she was so mad that you all refused to accept that the world revolves around her and her daughter that she had the mother of all tantrums.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/04/2013 12:15

That is a pisser there arabesque, that EF lashed out at all of you. It definitely shouldn't impact on the weekend that the rest of you have planned. Don't feel bad and don't let it be the elephant in the room when you get to go on the weekend.

I think you all handled the situation brilliantly and EF was just lashing out at anyone and everyone simply because she was being told No and that she couldn't have her way.

If there is now a spare place going, I can drive to the West and will leave the kids with DH

Manyofhorror3 · 18/04/2013 12:17

I think you should send her this thread.

BrevilleTron · 18/04/2013 12:25

May I suggest that you email the rest of the group with instructions for ABSOLUTE radio silence?
IMHO nothing would infuriate EF more than constantly checking her email for a drama supply to be met with ... Nothing

The deluded fool clearly believes her DD shits golden turds so can I also suggest when you get to hotel
1 hour of designated bitching

Then

Fines of 50p every time someone mentions her?
Count money up on last day and have a treat?

MissLurkalot · 18/04/2013 12:29

Big hug OP.

She has played the victim, and has spectacularly 'deflected' toxic bile back to you all.

She is in the wrong for trying to change your agreed plans.... She is in the wrong for 'not getting it at all', she is in the wrong for trying to meet up with individuals of the group to obviously 'guilt trip' them into joining her, and finally, she is completely in the wrong for her toxic bile!

I think us Mumsnetters have got to know you over the past week, and quite honestly, I think you and your friends handed the situation.. SPOT ON!

Please don't let her warped behaviour ruin your day.. Or your weekend away... That you all absolutely deserve.

She alienated you all with her unacceptable request/demands... You all calmly and fairly reacted back to her.. End of.

Don't let hit eat away at you lovely. I'm so glad you started this thread.. Please don't regret starting it. We are all 100% behind you and your friends... She is barking!

gonerogue · 18/04/2013 12:37

arabesque so sorry that it ended as it has. Now you have all seen wht she is like though, and can just go ahead with no fear of the EF trying to wheedle her way back in.

I hope you have a fab time on the weekend. I love going out with my college girls as they know practically everything about me pre DC and we have the best time laughing about life as we knew it.

I'm sure you will all do the same and if there is any mention of EF, try and make it clear that there is to be no more after you have all aired your opinions.

Enjoy the weekend.

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/04/2013 12:38

I really wish she was on MN and reading this thread.

KristinaM · 18/04/2013 12:38

Well it's better that you found out now how she really feels about you all

She could have come on the weekend ( with her DD) , had a few drinks, launched this attack on everyone and spoiled the weekend.

I'm sure you'll have much more fun without her.

TheDevilsGherkins · 18/04/2013 12:41

I hope she doesn't turn up anyway, to glare at you (with mini-me in tow).

NinaHeart · 18/04/2013 12:42

Arabesque, so sorry about EF totally over the top response. Everyone else has already said wonderful and sensible things which I applaud.
You go off and have the best time ever with your real friends and absolutey agree with radio silence.

And I'd thank my lucky stars this all came out now and not when you were all together in your lovely hotel.

PS Friends? There are about 200 MNers here who would disagree COMPLETELY with EF's crappy assessment of you.

BehindLockNumberNine · 18/04/2013 12:42

I think her email was the 'victim playing' card and IF she really felt like that about you all then there is no way she would have wanted her dd to come along.

So try to put it behind you. She is clearly a loon of the highest order!!

Snazzynewyear · 18/04/2013 12:43

It's very sad when a friendship goes this way. Happened to me last year. But unfortunately with people like this it turns out either that they have changed substantially since you knew them, or (and this was the case for me and probably is for you) that they have always had these tendencies but, whereas they used to be balanced out by better qualities, now their unpleasant side is being given free rein and has come to the fore, to the extent that they are not the person you knew and valued anymore. Very sad but there is little to do but let it go and accept that the friendship has run its course.

Sugarice · 18/04/2013 12:46

What a complete drama llama she is and as for lashing out at everyone with such vitriol just because she didn't get her own way, well it shows what kind of person she has turned out to be after all of these years!

Don't let her over the top reaction spoil your weekend away, to be honest based on what bile she spewed out I wonder if she would have been difficult company even if she'd turned up without her dd.

CiderwithBuda · 18/04/2013 12:51

Wow. Have been following this thread with interest. I'm so sorry it's turned out as it has. What a shame. As others have said , it's not you, it's most definitely her.

Oh - another dub here (although living in UK) who is up for a meet up. Any excuse! And I bet we would find some connections somewhere! First time English DH came over to Dublin with me we also went to Galway. I knew nobody in Galway at the time. Only been there an hour and we were walking across Eyre Square and got asked to take a photo of a group of girls. As I was taking the photo three of them shouted my name. They were neighbors from Dublin. Then we went to a restaurant and as we were waiting for a table I got tapped on the shoulder but a guy from Cork that I had worked with in a hotel in Dublin. DH just said he knew ireland was small but not that small!

oldwomaninashoe · 18/04/2013 12:51

I think had you agreed to the 6 yo daughter coming you would have probably ended up falling out anyway as her presence would have made things awkward and a difficult atmosphere.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 18/04/2013 12:52

OP, this is clearly an epic tantrum because she didnt get her own way. It is very sad for you, but at least now you know. Please still enjoy your weekend away.

HorryIsUpduffed · 18/04/2013 12:52

Oh arabesque what a horrible shock.

I agree with everyone else that this is about her and not you. Of course you could have pussyfooted around her for another ten years, but that wouldn't have been fair on anyone really.

After a day or two licking your wounds, don't give her another thought. Don't get into discussions about her, or laugh behind her back when you're away. She's just someone you all used to know, and you will have a squillion other more interesting topics of conversation to enjoy between cocktails.

JustinBsMum · 18/04/2013 12:55

Just thinking grrrrrr memories that going away with other people's DCs can be a nightmare even if your own DCs are there too. People have different priorities which can easily clash.

Bearbehind · 18/04/2013 12:58

I completely agree with the radio silence option. Have any of you responded to her toxic drivel arabesque?

If you haven't I would keep it that way. Entering into dialogue with her will just prolong her drama and give her the attention she is looking to get from you all.

As others have said, if she really meant the things she said about you all, why was she so desperate to go away with you and subject her daughter to you all?

You've had a lucky escape. Enjoy you weekend and font contact her again.

Bearbehind · 18/04/2013 12:59

Grrr - don't not font!

YellowDinosaur · 18/04/2013 13:04

What brevilletron said about radio silence / 1 hour designated bitching followed by fine for mentioning her in your weekend away.

I reckon even my 5 year old has never managed a tantrum this good and he is master in the art! I reckon have a big gin tonight, vent to your dh /here /one of the other friends about it and then try and draw a line under it and move on. I reckon dwelling on it too much will spoil the weekend which is probably what ef is hoping for...

Is she going to the wedding that was the reason you were all going to be in the same place together? That could be awkward!

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 18/04/2013 13:05

Fucking Hell! This is not about ANY of your friends, this is ALL about her and her perceived slights. I agree with skipping BPD/Narc
= she threw a mega tantrum and fully expects replies along the lines of "didnt know you felt that way, are you OK? would you like to meet to discuss"
ETC ETC

Do NOT communicate any more with this woman. She is not your or other girls' friend nor is she a decent human being.

FF has sent email saying politely Fuck Off to Far off Land of Fuck. No need for anyone else to contact her. You all need to take a stand on this, because she fully expects a tirade of emails either apologising for not wanting DD there and apologising for past imagined nastiness which I am sure never happened

DISENGAGE!

YellowDinosaur · 18/04/2013 13:05

Assuming you are all going to the wedding and it isn't one of yours it might be worth a quiet word to the bride /groom about not putting you on the same table if at all possible!

BrevilleTron · 18/04/2013 13:08

Not a wedding Yellow just a girly weekend.

Ooh imagine if it was

Awkward!!

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