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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 18/04/2013 11:15

The only person who SHOULD feel bad here is EF.

Personally I think this is just the latest level of escalation to get her own way.

She has tried wheedling, she has tried to divide and conquer and now she is probably expecting you all to come back and say how sorry you all are for being so mean all these years and you will make it up to her by giving her what she wants.

The ONLY person who has behaved badly here is her. She should have told her DH to naff off re: his golf tournament of bowed out of the weekend gracefully.

It's all about her isn't it...not once has she considered anyone else wrt her actions.

She has been selfish, manipulative, rude and divisive and I doubt you have heard the end of this - once the tantrum has not had its desired effect she may well move on to the next phase.

The best therapy is to go on your weekend away and enjoy it with the rest of your friends.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/04/2013 11:16

arabesque, you and your group of friends sound sane and quite lovely. I'm sorry it has turned out this way for all of you.

I actually feel quite sorry for EF. She must not have that many friends and that much support in RL if this is the type of vitriol she produces... skipped makes so much sense.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/04/2013 11:18

^ by RL, I mean her everyday, normal, mundane life - neighbours, colleagues, school gate mums, that sort of thing.

I'm not so sure this thread should be in Classics now, a very sad and upsetting ending for the OP and everyone involved.

K8Middleton · 18/04/2013 11:21

Oh I'm sorry that's horrid isn't it. I don't want to speculate on what may or may not be EF's motivation or whether she has a personality disorder because I'm not even remotely qualified it doesn't matter. You respond to the behaviour and have to be confident that your behaviour is honourable. I think you have behaved honourably and have nothing to be sorry about.

It's totally normal to be hurt and shocked and in time the rawness will fade but it might help to know you have done nothing wrong.

GingerBlondecat · 18/04/2013 11:22

Next she will be upset that none of you have Begged for her forgivenss and Presence of her and her Darling Dearest Daughter (on the trip)

GingerBlondecat · 18/04/2013 11:24

Nahh, this thread still belongs in Classics.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Never know what you get

Loulybelle · 18/04/2013 11:25

Arabesque, screw her, shes no loss, she wrote some nasty untruths, why? because you wanted an Adult weekend as planned, she turned it nasty.

They rest of you, go as planned, get pissed and shop til you, life is too short, dont spend it feeling misplaced guilt over what is quite frankly, a self entitled, selfish, manipulative bitch.

Mmmnotsure · 18/04/2013 11:27

Wow. What a spectacular response. Would suit a particularly entitled nine-year-old, but not much older.

Poor you, OP. The trouble is, we go through life expecting people generally to be reasonably normal and understandable. And then you meet someone like this who shows her true colours and you realise that she is not normal nor understandable after all.

In one corner: you, your friends, and pretty much the whole of Mumsnet.
In the other corner: EF.

QED.

Do not engage. And I hope all of you FRIENDS have a great weekend.

skippedtheripeoldmango · 18/04/2013 11:27

Hearts - you'd be surprised how many friends these types of people have (if I've got her pegged correctly)

She's likely quite charming, and fun to be around....and when she does throw one she creates such shame/confusion that people don't' actually put two and two together. She likely picks people who she can see that she can manipulate easily - the type of person who is fair and reasonable to a fault - those kinds of people, if they haven't come through the other side of a relationship with this kind of person and have learned how to recognise this personality type, will likely bend, accommodate and often self-reflect coming to the conclusion that it is them, and not the crazy manipulative friend, who is in the wrong.

flowery · 18/04/2013 11:27

Have been following this thread, so sorry it turned out that way OP.

However, it's far far better all that stuff came out now, in an email. If she'd come on the weekend, either without her DD or bringing her against everyone's wishes, she would have been feeling disgruntled and that combined with a bit of alcohol would probably have led to it coming out anyway and completely spoiling the weekend.

This way, there will be no tense nasty atmosphere and you can genuinely all enjoy your weekend.

Original poster

arabesque · 18/04/2013 11:28

Thanks everyone. The mist is beginning to clear a bit. Just been on the phone to NI Friend to ask if she thinks there's anything seriously wrong with EF. She was quite matter of fact and said 'no'. She's seen an awful lot more of EF than the rest of us in recent years and said she is a complete pain re DD, imposing her on all kinds of occasions, letting her away with murder and running down to the school to complain about the slightest thing. When she told her DH about all this carry on he laughed and said 'You'll all have a much better time without that eejit around'.

Kind of put things into perspective.

OP posts:

Lottashakingoinon · 18/04/2013 11:30

I'm not so sure this thread should be in Classics now

I agree: Arabesque is clearly gutted...this started off as quite humorous, but it has turned a bit dark because of EF's totally over the top reaction.

dinkystinky · 18/04/2013 11:30

You're well rid of her Arabesque - she wasnt a friend at all by the sounds of it! Go with your real friends and enjoy a lovely weekend away and put all thoughts of this nutjob out of your mind. Delete her from your phone, block on FB/email and get on with your life.

GingerBlondecat · 18/04/2013 11:31

OK, sounds like you dodged a real bullet here Phew

Lottashakingoinon · 18/04/2013 11:32

X post with Arabesque....glad things are settling. It seems NIF's DH has got it about right.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/04/2013 11:33

Skipped, I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right of course, makes a lot of sense.

Xiaoxiong · 18/04/2013 11:37

I'm so sorry it ended this way OP - it's always horrible to have to deal with someone so adept at manipulating others and rewriting history. Reading mean things about yourself and your friends, even when you know it's a complete tissue of lies, is never going to be pleasant! In a year's time though you'll be looking back at this and realising it's for the best - she attacked every single one of you, so it's clearly her issue not yours. It's tough to see that now though, so big hug - a great time on your weekend away with your real friends will help put this all behind you.

YellowDinosaur · 18/04/2013 11:38

Shocked but not entirely surprised at this outcome. Agree with the consensus though that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are bound to feel sad because when a friendship ends like this there is no other reaction a normal reasonable person would have but hopefully there is enough time between now and the weekend away for the dust to settle and for you all to have a good time.

I would have voted for classics but I think given the outcome that should really be up to the op....

skippedtheripeoldmango · 18/04/2013 11:43

Put it to one side like everyone else has said because you can't control who your "friend" is or how she reacts, but you can control yourself - and as K8middleton (I think it was her) said, you acted with honour and fairness.

Glad you got to speak to your NI friend...and that it helped you see that it's not exactly out of the ordinary behaviour for this woman.

Forget about it and enjoy that girls weekend (I'm very envious!! Have an extra big G&T or something for me!)

LemonBreeland · 18/04/2013 11:46

I'm sorry that you and your ffriends are upset arabesque, but please don't feel bad, I do hope you will all manage to enjoy your weekend away. It is long enough away that you can hopefully put this all behind you by then NIFs DH definitely has it right.

THis woman wants everything to suit her and doesn't give a shit about what suits the rest of you.

LemonBreeland · 18/04/2013 11:47

Please please don't let her spoil what is an amazing opportunity for a bunch of old friends to meet up together.

ceebie · 18/04/2013 12:05

LOVE skipped's response: I'm hazarding a guess that you have all in fact been having to deal with a Narcissist/Borderline type person.

It's like an episode of Dr Who - we thought we were dealing with a human, but in fact it turned out to be a Slitheen...!

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2013 12:11

Blimey! Some people are odd aren't they?

There's ony one loser in this whole sorry saga and that's EF. She has cut her nose off to spite her face and will regert this very soon if she doesn't already

HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME!

xigris · 18/04/2013 12:12

Oh dear. Having said that, as many other people have said, I think you've dodged a billet here and you'll all have a much better time without her. If she's as obsessive about DD as she appears and from what NI friend says (running down to the school every 5 mins to moan etc) then even if she had gone away with you without DD, she'd probably still have been a pain - constantly texting / phoning to make sure she was ok, wailing and pitiful etc. I really think EF has ishoos and that she was hugely unreasonable to make such demands and changes to plans that were already in place. I still can't believe that anyone would expect to take a 6 year old on a girls' weekend. If you really can't bear to be parted from your child you don't go, it's as simple as that. You don't expect to foister your offspring on a load of other people on what is patently not a child-orientated occasion. Whatever the reason I think she's been very unfair to you all. I think you should all try and draw a line under it and have a bloody good time and can I come in her place, please? I think you've all given her plenty of opportunity to sort things out and her childish tirade at you all is very telling.

GoSuckEggs · 18/04/2013 12:14

Enjoy you weekend. I am in a similar situation with a friend who has to bring her SN sister everywhere with us!

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