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Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
DrGarnettsEasterMixture · 18/04/2013 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kasbah72 · 18/04/2013 10:46

Wow! Well if you are all so hideous then why on earth would she want to expose her pfb to such an awful group of people??

Sounds to me like she has (again) totally missed the point that this was a unique opportunity to have some child-free time together and that ALL of you were leaving your kids behind.

This was never an attack on her personally or on her daughter.

If she has chosen (again) to make that her interpretation then it is sadly better to leave her to it. I can't see how any of you could have made the situation any clearer.

Please don't feel bad. You were genuinely asking if her hijacking of the weekend was acceptable when you knew that for the rest of the group it was going to be miserable. Every single person on this thread has agreed wholeheartedly with you.

Of course it is really sad for a friendship to end over such vindictiveness but that god it didn't happen during the weekend itself.

cardamomginger · 18/04/2013 10:46

Have been lurking on this thread.
I am so so sorry that it has ended like this. I can imagine how shocked and upset you must (all) be feeling to be on the receiving end of something like this.
The thing to remember is that this is her stuff, not yours. It's about her, not about any of you. I think you have all acted reasonable and with good grace throughout this episode. Given her past and current form, there was always the very real and likely danger that she would react like this. But it's her, not you.
I really hope you all still have a lovely time together - hopefully there's enough time beforehand for you all to get a bit of distance from this.

Sending you a hug. XXX

Manyofhorror3 · 18/04/2013 10:46

Good riddance! You poor thing though, OP! x

schobe · 18/04/2013 10:46

Oh you know what, don't feel bad. It started as a single issue problem and she was the one that just couldn't accept the majority decision.

She then started to escalate and clearly cannot accept that she can't have her own way.

You might find that when you think back, this is a common pattern with her, but that it has always been simple to let her have her way - no real harm done.

Now with that email, she has shown she has problems with accepting these sorts of boundaries. If you feel really bad, you could email her separately and say if she ever needs a friend you're still there for her and prepared to overlook what she said in her email etc. But I'm not sure if I would tbh.

It's an epic tantrum.

Squitten · 18/04/2013 10:47

Wow! Talk about throwing her toys out of the pram!

I wouldn't take this as the end at all. Don't be surprised if, some time in the near future, some of you who are the least offensive get a wheedling little "I'm sorry but you were all being so MEAN" whine off her. I'd tell her to get fucked myself.

Well done to FF for giving her a totally detached response. I suggest you all stop replying to her now and end the drama. She's really one cookie short of a packet.

LifeofPo · 18/04/2013 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EldritchCleavage · 18/04/2013 10:49

Oh Blimey! Poor you.

But please make a deal with all your friends not to discuss this on the weekend away (except perhaps once, at the start) otherwise it could derail what is supposed to be a lovely reunion.

catsmother · 18/04/2013 10:50

She's obviously hurt, and disappointed at not being able to go away (which, if that meant bringing her daughter too would always have been obviously unworkable and unfair on everyone including daughter) and I think that nasty mail was her lashing out. I think that in a few days' time she'll feel mortified at having burnt her bridges so spectacularly and will regret ever sending it. It's an all round very sad situation, but it could easily have been prevented if she'd not been so selfishly insistent in the first place. Am very sorry you've ended up losing a friend but FWIW I don't think you and the others have anything to feel guilty about.

Lottashakingoinon · 18/04/2013 10:51

So very sorry this is how it panned out.

But don't beat yourself up for having started the thread: you needed advice, and you got it: all of you were in agreement along the way. You cannot control other people's actions/reactions.

Please go on your fabulous weekend. Your ex friend may be sticking pins in effigies but you have the massed ranks of MN wishing you a whale of atime!

Nerfmother · 18/04/2013 10:52

Dhs dad is from dublin, and there's a host of cousins there - I'm in for a dublin trip!

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 18/04/2013 10:52

It's an epic tantrum. Yup.

She's made sre, since SHE can't enjoy the holiday, No one else will be in a party mood either.

I'd call that lavishly juvenile. (And unhinged!)

motherinferior · 18/04/2013 10:53

Totally agree she'll regret it - and that she's just flailing around being vile to all of you. If she really felt that way about all of you she wouldn't have wanted to come in the first place.

skippedtheripeoldmango · 18/04/2013 10:54

Well, I could be very wrong here...but after reading about your "friend's" gripes with you all and putting that in the context of this thread I'm hazarding a guess that you have all in fact been having to deal with a Narcissist/Borderline type person.

Please, please try not to feel bad - and I know that's a hard thing to do. the type of person your friend is, is an EXPERT at twisting, manipulating, rewriting history, gaslighting, dividing-and-conquering. Her tactics are designed to confuse, consternate, shame and create mayhem. This is possibly not the end...when you all do not react to her temper tantrum she is likely to change tactics...DO NOT ENGAGE!!!

Sorry you've had to deal with this.

HumphreyCobbler · 18/04/2013 10:56

you are well rid of her

she WILL regret this. She probably already does. So sorry you are feeling unhappy.

GingerBlondecat · 18/04/2013 10:57

She you folks to Now, Grovell at her feet, Beg her Forgiveness and smooth it all over............ by allowing her DD to come..............

((((((((((((More Hugs))))))))))))

YouTheCat · 18/04/2013 10:57

What Skipped said.

The thing is her tactics only work if the group is divided and you all sound reasonable and of the same opinion. Don't let her spoil your weekend and don't bother engaging with her unless she grovels.

GingerBlondecat · 18/04/2013 10:58

Ditto ^^, What Skip Said

Binkybix · 18/04/2013 10:58

Oh. I'm sorry to see that it's concluded like this, and surprised.

pls don't blame yourself. It seems from the content of her e mail that this was always likely to come out at some point, and this weekend has been the flashpoint.

However, think of the alternative - someone on the weekend who has either a) carried this resentment about all of you for a long time or b) made up this resentment because she's not been allowed her own way at the expense of the group. Either way, prob best she isn't coming after all.

I would also feel shaken at this, but I don't see what else you could do really. Hopefully by June you will be in the position to put it behind you and really enjoy your weekend.

McKayz · 18/04/2013 11:02

I am sorry it ended up like this.

I hope you can put it all behind you and have a lovely weekend away.

skippedtheripeoldmango · 18/04/2013 11:04

Sorry, youthecat, but I have to disagree with the engaging if she grovels...no, absolutely no to that part...that's exactly what she probably will do next...and possibly even worse move into threat tactics to scare people into rallying around her.

She is very very toxic, likely doesn't realise she is (most of these types of people don't) and basically anything goes when it comes to getting what they want.

YouTheCat · 18/04/2013 11:08

Sorry there should have been a big Grin after that as it was meant to be tongue in cheek.

I do agree she is best left to stew.

waltermittymissus · 18/04/2013 11:08

I agree with skipped she will regret this!

Look, don't feel upset. It's not nice reading that sort of shit about yourself, but it's NOT TRUE.

And it's not nice that you've lost a friend but what sort of friend was she, really?

Tbh I think the friendship was on the rocks based on her behaviour in this situation anyway. You were all getting so pissed off, and rightly so!

This is all one big tantrum because she didn't get her way.

Don't be surprised if she starts emailing people individually, trying to come between you. People like her tend not to let things go in my experience!

Hegsy · 18/04/2013 11:14

OMG! Can't believe your friend. Think you are all better off without her. Please don't let her spoil your weekend

quoteunquote · 18/04/2013 11:14

So there is a spare space? Grin

None of you have been mean, you just said No, hopefully she will take this on board one day and implement it in her own life, and say it to her husband, "No, that won't work for me"

What a silly epic throwing all her toys out of the pram reaction, very self defeating, and sad.