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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 17/04/2013 11:23

So what will you all do Arabesque if she does turn up with her daughter?

NinaHeart · 17/04/2013 11:24

Please pretend DD is invisible and none of you can see or hear her.
(I want to be there)

MissLurkalot · 17/04/2013 11:28

Still no reply from her? Crikes... That's rather melodramatic!
Well, the ball is on her court now,

YouTheCat · 17/04/2013 11:30

I really hope she decides not to come. If she does, without her dd, she's going to spoil it by moaning the whole time.

Original poster
arabesque · 17/04/2013 11:44

Aaaagh! She has texted the member of the group who lives near her in Northern Ireland to ask if they can meet up for lunch tomorrow as she 'needs to have a chat'. This Northern Ireland friend has emailed me to say 'What the fuck should I do?. Thinking of making an excuse as don't want her catching me on the hop about something'.

I knew the silence was a bit ominous.

The whole thing is getting a bit school girly at this stage Angry

I've emailed NI friend and said I agree with her and think its unfair of entitled friend to start trying to 'divide and rule' which is, I think, what she's up to.
I think, at this stage, we might have to consider telling her it would be better if she didn't come (which is going to throw a shadow over the whole thing).
Sorry for posting about every email, but this thread is like therapy at the moment.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 17/04/2013 11:47

Oh please do keep posting.

Manyofhorror3 · 17/04/2013 11:49

Please don't stop posting! I'm standing here with a pile of ironing and your thread is helping me through it!

Is she taking DD to see Other Friend? I bet she is, to show how grown up and special she is!

NinaHeart · 17/04/2013 11:50

Does this woman never give up?

Best outcome, she meets friend for a chat andf friend gives her the party line good and strong. I am hoping it is aforementioned forthrightfriend who willl give it to her with both barrels. Can friend be coached beforehand with a broken record statement, eg "all I will say is that this is an adults only weekend as previously agreed. We are not going back on that decision" ?

Avoiding the issue will allow her to think there is leeway.

K8Middleton · 17/04/2013 11:55

Of course she may just want to go to lunch to discuss the massive faux pas she has made trying to railroad you all in to reneging on the original deal.

I think it will be much worse to avoid her. Be honest, be firm. Don't start cutting her out because it'll just make things worse.

Binkybix · 17/04/2013 11:58

Please don't stop posting!

I don't know if NI friend is assertive friend, but in her position I would say I was happy to meet up for lunch, but that I wasn't keen to talk about the DD coming to weekend away because the group has already made the decision that it's adults only.

That would flush her out, but also stops a permanent divide (unless that's what you want at this point!)

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 17/04/2013 12:00

I thought your first email was perfect - it's what I would have felt able to send as her friend. -is mug -

It's sad she's being crazy - it's funny isn't how people attempt 'sensible' emails/responses to people assuming that it will breed sensibleness in them and it so often doesn't.

If I were your friend, I would be emailing/texting back saying: If it's about the holiday, I just want to let you know I agree with the decision.

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/04/2013 12:04

Bloody hell Arabesque, don't stop posting.
We need every detail, every e.mail and every conversation.
I'm loving this thread Grin

Loulybelle · 17/04/2013 12:04

Wow, shes got more brass than a set a brass monkies.

Original poster
arabesque · 17/04/2013 12:07

Thanks. I will pass that advice on to NI friend (will say I have been discussing situation with a couple of colleagues) and say that, if she wouldn't mind, maybe might as well be best to meet up and face situation head on.
I feel sorry for her though as she's more assertive than me but not nearly as assertive as forthright friend who would deal with this so much better. But unfortunately we're both in Dublin so I can't suggest she goes along as well.

OP posts:
Sugarice · 17/04/2013 12:09

I would definitely go with telling the lunch friend to text back and say if it's about the women only holiday then the decision has been made and it would be awkward to discuss it further.

Don't stop posting, please Grin.

I've never met some of the women described on here who have more cheek than a baboon's arse.

2rebecca · 17/04/2013 12:09

If I were the friend I agree that I'd reply that I'm not interested in discussing the weekend away and agree that it should be adult only and if she can't come then you'll see her another time. I would never have time to meet anyone for lunch during the week so am surprised she expects this. I'd tell her I'd prefer to phone if she wants a chat about other stuff not related to the weekend as I'm busy. Unless they are close friends I wouldn't want to have a stressful lunch with moany not much of a friend.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 17/04/2013 12:10

Can your friend DEFINITELY handle saying no though?

Is crazy friend prone to tears/unpleasantness?

I wouldn't want to put someone else through that.

Or is it likely she'll conclude the lunch promising to 'discuss it further with the others.'

angelos02 · 17/04/2013 12:11

She needs to be told, on new uncertain terms, that her dd is not welcome. Usually on AIBU, a few people disagree but I don't think I've seen a single post that is not in your favour.

LemonBreeland · 17/04/2013 12:17

Sugarrice has a good plan. That way she is in no doubt as to the party line being taken.

rainbow2000 · 17/04/2013 12:17

She really doesnt give up,sending you strenght you are gonna need it

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/04/2013 12:21

I've been lurking in the background reading this and have found that Holiday Hassle friend doesn't appear to have gotten the message yet. I'm also in the same thought that she may just appear at the hotel with her daughter in tow so be prepared for that.

I agree with Binkybix and get your NI friend to get back to Holiday Hassle Friend saying that she is happy to meet for lunch and a chat but that as the holiday in June has been booked and agreed with the other friends, that if that is what she wants to chat about she wouldn't be comfortable to discuss it further without any of the others there.

If Holiday hassle friend does then bring the topic of conversation around to the upcoming trip, then your NI friend can say "I'm not comfortable talking about this trip or the circumstances around it. The decision has already been made that it's going to be an adult only trip so I'd appreciate it if we could talk about something else".

All very nice, very polite but firmly putting holiday hassle friend back in her box! Smile

Kiriwawa · 17/04/2013 12:22

I wouldn't want to be your friend in NI and to meet her face to face. I'd definitely make an excuse

She's being really unfair (and has more cheek than a baboon's arse as sugarrice says)

HorryIsUpduffed · 17/04/2013 12:23

I hope NI friend is assertive enough to go broken record on her, and to meet brass neck with brass neck. "No, it is a child-free weekend. No, we can't discuss it without the others."

Unfortunately I think it more likely that CrazyFriend uses MN and has identified herself Confused

I know you've all been friends for a long time, so I wonder if she has changed, or if DD has just brought out the worst in her? Most people like me who feel unable or unwilling to leave their children accomplish this by not going to stuff. Which is also crap, I recognise, but it doesn't involve foisting your parenting decisions on other people.

Or if she has changed, any chance her marriage is breaking down or something and that's why (a) she can't rely on the husband and (b) she didn't want to say so in the round robin emails but feels able to talk to just one of you about it face to face?

Trying to be charitable for a minute.

DontmindifIdo · 17/04/2013 12:27

Perhaps you could prime NI to ask the question - "look [holiday hassle friend] - it's a grown ups only weekend away, no husbands no kids, if you don't want to go, that's fine but is there a reason why you don't feel you can leave your daughter behind with her Dad? Is there something wrong there? Do you not trust him to look after her safely? Or does he refuse?"

Find out what the problem actually is, if it's that she doesn't want to leave her DD, then fine, don't go, if she's in a realtionship with a cunt, then helping her see other solutions like leaving the DD with grandparents etc might be in order and cutting her some slack. If she's just being PFB, then she needs to get over herself and realise that not all occasions are suitable for under 18s.

ColouringInQueen · 17/04/2013 12:34

Oh good luck arabesque - I too have been glued to this thread for the last 20 5mins. Please do keep posting, and am sending psychic stand your ground thoughts to you and all your other proper friends. Agree with rebecca and suggest lunch is avoided too!