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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want this child to come on holidays with us

838 replies

arabesque · 10/04/2013 11:08

A group of girls I used to share a house with years ago have arranged to go on a reunion weekend to the West of Ireland in June. The plan was to book into a nice hotel, and spend the time relaxing, having nice meals and a few drinks and catching up and reminiscing. However, one of the group has now asked if its okay to bring her six year old daughter as her husband wants to play in a golf tournament that weekend. A child hanging around is going to completely change the tone of the holiday imho. I haven't spoken to all of the group yet but the two I have been in touch with are not too keen either.

AI (or we)BU to think of saying that we'd prefer if it was kept to adults only as it's the first time we've all been together in about ten years?

OP posts:

StanleyLambchop · 16/04/2013 11:58

I am another one who thinks she will book her & her DD if you let her have the details. I would just e-mail and say that you are about to book for the whole group, and does she want to be included (without DD) or not? Then hope that once you have booked the hotel fills up really quickly so that she cannot book herself & DD at a later date. Does she know the details of where you are planning to book? If so, do you think a last minute change of venue is in order (or am I just being really sneaky and mean?

Floggingmolly · 16/04/2013 12:02

No you're not, Stanley, that's what I'd do.

TolliverGroat · 16/04/2013 12:12

Can you just book a hotel that has a "no under 12s" rule?

Masai · 16/04/2013 12:19

Oh God the tension....

Will she or won't she?

And I cant be the only one feeling like this!

Manyofhorror3 · 16/04/2013 12:26

What a pain in the arse! If you had to guess what the problem was, what would you say? Is it that she's v precious over DD, or has a bad husband, or is a control freak, or what? Am dying to know more!

Hmmkay · 16/04/2013 12:42

God she is so persistent, what a pain in the arse! I think you have done the right thing booking anyway. If you do decide to tell her your plans, I think you just have to make it absolutely clear now that this is a child-free break for you all. I wouldn't even bother trying to be nice with polite reasons why her dd can't go now. You've tried that and she obviously has skin as thick as a rhino's hide! Make sure you stand your ground and maybe forthright friend could have another word with her to make sure she doesn't go booking for her and her dd anyway.

Blu · 16/04/2013 12:52

Stick to your united front and stuck record.

"We have planned a grown-ups weekend, we have all arranged childcare on that basis, we are looking forward to a weekend free of our usual need to remember that we are mothers make concessions to a child's needs"

Shift your 'concern' about the boredom and welfare of her child to your own needs and decisions as adults.

Don't adopt this problem as your own, it's hers and you have no need to feel guilty or worry. Why let her uin your lovely weekend like that?

Loulybelle · 16/04/2013 12:56

Any Warner Hotels in the area OP?

motherinferior · 16/04/2013 12:59

Give her the wrong hotel details

Original poster

arabesque · 16/04/2013 13:02

Okay, the hotel is booked and self entitled friend has been emailed to let her know that our rooms have been booked as has the restaurant table and to contact me if she wants me to also book a room for her.

Changing the hotel wasn't really an option as it was chosen on the grounds of:

a. Fairness of travel distance for everyone
b. Its award winning restaurant
c. Its gorgeous location
d. Fact that one of group has been there and says its the nicest hotel she's ever ever been in.

If we'd changed it we'd have been letting her 'downgrade' the weekend, and put us to inconvenience, even if she decides not to come.

We're hoping to make it very very clear to her that there will be no question of her trying to persuade someone, on a bilateral basis. to agree to going somewhere more child friendly, and then trying to use that as leverage to change other people's minds. Her words 'well, it doesn't have to be like that' rang huge warning bells with me.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 16/04/2013 13:06

Well, my gut instinct was right - self-obsessed PFBy.

I just hope she doesn't book herself and her DD in and ruin your weekend.

DontmindifIdo · 16/04/2013 13:07

I bet she thought once you were all there, she'd be able to influence what you did, if her DD was there then of course you'd behave and not swear, talk about people you randomly shagged back when you were housemates, and would agree to do things a bit more child-friendly when faced with a whinging child - that without a table being booked in advance, she could convince you all to go to somewhere childfriendly at a time that suits her DD. Perhaps it's so long since she did anything without DD she can't comprehend of you doing non-child-friendly stuff.

But that's her problem, you've made it clear. She can fit in or not.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2013 13:11

'We will send her the details so she can book herself in or not as she wants. We are worried, from what she said, that she might get on to other members of the group and start wheedling them to agree to go to a child friendly hotel or bucket and spade type location instead of the really nice country house style hotel we'd decided on so we want to pre empt that.

Forthright friend is also going to email the others telling them about the conversation she had with the mum and making it clear that she has been told, in no uncertain terms, that her daughter is not welcome.'

Good. I wouldn't give her the hotel details and would book adults-only lodging.

Don't feel guilty or apologise, it's not fair on you all or the child. I can't imagine dragging my 7-year-old DD along on a weekend like that.

Lottashakingoinon · 16/04/2013 13:16

Her words 'well, it doesn't have to be like that' rang huge warning bells with me.

I'm not surprised. And no it doesn't have to be like that...but the rest of you want it to be, so that's good enough. If she wants a child friendly break she should go for it with a group of like minded people and knock herself out...but she has no right to hijack someone else's child UNfriendly break!

flaminghoopsaloohlah · 16/04/2013 13:23

She's not much of a "friend" is she? Is this the first incident of being completely obtuse and manipulative?

If it isn't I'd be taking this opportunity to kick her to the kerb...permanently.

Snazzynewyear · 16/04/2013 13:23

There is the danger she will book herself a room, but hopefully she has got the message by now. If she does book herself in and brings her DD, you will have to front it out - sit in the bar as long as you like and tell her mother she will have to take her DD for a walk. Make sure you book your dinner table for well after bedtime.

My DS is well behaved, charming and engages well with adults (of course ) but I can categorically say he would find a weekend in a lovely hotel with me and my female friends the dullest thing ever, unless there was a running buffet of sweets and Pixar films on in the same room. It is a real shame that this 'friend' is determined not only to spoilt your grown up time, but to subject her DD to a weekend that will not actually be very nice for her at all. Maybe she likes to think she is so indispensable as a mother that her DD can't stand to be away from her for a whole weekend?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 16/04/2013 13:28

"It doesn't have to be like that"

erm yes. It does. Because that's the sort of weekend you all want!

She clearly wants to change it to a weekend of play barns and happy meals.

You have been very clear and fair. She really is being selfish.

I wonder if she's got mummy's little princess at home demanding to come.

DontmindifIdo · 16/04/2013 13:30

If you wanted to be really sneeky and undermine her possible arguments with the others that this is excluding her nice, you could suggest that in six months time/next year you'll do a weekend away with all the DCs, somewhere suitable like centre parcs. So if she doesn't want to join the 'adult only' event, she can just come to the 'child friendly' one next time...

Angelico · 16/04/2013 13:31

Have to say am amazed she pushed it this far, unless her DH really is a complete twunt and she's desperate to go and see you all. Which would be a shame - but not your fault! I think you've all been as nice as you can about it.

Loulybelle · 16/04/2013 13:34

If Mrs Demanding does bring DD, then make it clear your gonna playing Adults for the whole weekend, if she dont like it, then she can go off with DD.

angelos02 · 16/04/2013 13:36

She sounds like a nightmare. What does she think will happen if she turns up with her DD? That a group of adults on an adult holiday are going to happily change their plans and modify their behaviour? Don't think so. It is like when people take their children to a pub and tut at the swearing. Erm...its an adult environment chump.

NinaHeart · 16/04/2013 13:56

If she shows up with DD maybe your opening gambit should be to carol loudly and cheerfully "Hello you little anklebiting fuckwit" just to give her a flavour of the proposed weekend?

StanleyLambchop · 16/04/2013 14:00

Trouble is, if she does brazen it out with her DD you probably will end up changing how you behave because a child is present. Would you really want to go over 'the old days' about former shags when a child is wide-eyed and listening- I would feel a bit strange doing that. I would assume you want to discuss things within the group, and not have someone who was not within the group (and is 6 years old) earwigging!

For what it is worth, IMO it is a done deal that she will bring her DD. She is not listening at all to what you are all saying.

DontmindifIdo · 16/04/2013 14:04

Another option, call the hotel, say there's a chance another person will be joining your party and is considering bringing their child with them, but wants to join in with you all, do they have a list of nannies or babysitters they can call? Get details, then if she does turn up with DD, tell her she's to either go book the nanny service or you will be all going off to do grown up things, see you at 8pm in the bar.

Lottashakingoinon · 16/04/2013 14:09

Enough with the pussyfooting already.

Email her a link to this thread . That ought to do it!

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