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What do i do about this horrible awkward situation with Dsis best friend?

119 replies

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:25

Basically my Dsis and her friend (I'll call her Fiona) are 15, nearly 16. Fiona has recently started seeing one of my friends from school who is now at university and is 19(Let's call him steve)

Dsis and Fiona have gone up on the train to meet Steve and his friend a couple of times and stayed overnight. My sister was seeing Steves friend but now is not, but Fiona is still 'with' Steve.

I was not happy about this in the first place due to them only being 15. I told Dsis this but obviously she doesn't think it's weird and they carried on going up to see them so I let them get on with it. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but Steve has form for being a bit of wanker anyway and takes a lot of 'party drugs' I care very much about my Dsis and her friend so told them this.

Fiona lost her virginity to Steve and is very much 'in love' with him. Dsis told me that Fiona bled quite a lot (which I thought is fairly normal when you lose your virginity? I didn't bleed but I know it's quite common) She told me this in confidence and I have not told a soul. Fiona was extremely embarrassed about this and Dsis told me she cried.

Me and Steve are not good friends, but he is good friends with my good friends IYSWIM? And also I'll take this opportunity to tell you that I am 18, not a middle aged woman who is best friends with 18/19 year olds

Anyway, a few days ago my best friend was out for drinks with a few of ours and Steves mutual good friends and Steve himself. Steve was laughing and joking about Fiona bleeding to some of the 'lads' and showing them pictures on his phone of the blood. Our friends were not interested in this but apparently he kept going on about it.

My BF told me about this the next day and i was fuming. So was she. But we dont know what to do about it.

For now I have told my Dsis what has happened but told her to to say anything to Fiona for now, as i dont want her to be even more embarrassed about it. I also dont want her to know that all of mine and Steve's mutual friends (and who knows who else?!) know about it. I know if it was the 15 year old me in this situation I would be absolutely mortified.

I feel so sorry for her because Steve is her first 'Love' and she has been telling my sister how happy she is etc etc. i am so fucking angry at Steve, because this shows how little respect he has for this girl and how much of an absolute fucking cunt he is.

Fiona is an absolutely lovely girl and I care about her a lot. Her and my sister are extremely close so i kind of class her as a little sister aswell. She has come to me for advice before on a past relationship and i know her very well. She has no older siblings so I also think she thinks of me as a big sister figure. She is very naive especially in relationships and both her and my Dsis think they are much more grown up and mature than they actually are.

Me and my BF, a group of our mutual friends and Steve himself are due to go out in Newcastle for a night out at the weekend. I was thinking of taking him to one side under the excuse that i need a 'catch up' with him and basically telling him how much of a cunt he is and making him delete the pictures. he has a younger sister so I was going to go for the angle of 'How would you feel of someone did this to your little sister?'

I am also so fucking tempted to buy some laxatives and buy him a drink beforehand and spike it with them so he shits himself and then take pictures of him and see how he's fucking likes it. I won't, obviously unless one of you tells me it's a good idea

Should I even say anything to him? I'm not sure I could hold it in all night, especially when I've had a few drinks. I am really angry at him, but was thinking if I just stay calm and speak to him out of the way of everyone else in a blunt manner it might make the point to him and make him think about it and stop him from doing something like this again.

But I have no idea what to say or do about Fiona, it's such an awkward and horrible situation. I think I should get Dsis to talk to her but when and what does she say? I really dont want her to know that all of my friends know as sometimes my sister hangs out with Fiona at my house when my friends are there too and I dont want her to feel she can't still come round, even though she shouldn't feel that way anyway.

What do I do?

I'm going away for a bit to do some housework but I'll be back soon, any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

noclue2000 · 07/04/2013 14:43

Statutory rape.
The girls are children.
I'd be speaking to the parents. The girls are not in save equal relationships, they are being used.


Theicingontop · 07/04/2013 14:46

So these kids are travelling by themselves to meet men to have sex?

If I were you I'd tell the girl's mother, and then the police, actually. I don't really care if I get flamed for that either, this girl is clearly being abused.

Then I would remove myself from this particular social circle.


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:51

I'm not sure you could actually call them 'men'

My Dsis has not had sex with Steves friend.
Oh and sorry about this but I've just remembered Fiona is in the year above Dsis so must be 16. I will double check though.

And as I have said, Steve was the one with the pictures talking about it, none of my friends were interested. I am not friends with Steve.

OP posts:

Flappingandflying · 07/04/2013 14:53

Quietly tell him that if he doesn't shut up, delete all pictures you will report him for sex abuse on an under age girl. He could find himself on the sex offenders register and with a criminal record. In actual fact I think it has to be the abusee who complains for a case to go forward but he won't know this and it might be enough to put the wind up him and hopefully he might dump her. She would be upset but it would be the best thing for her. You are being very caring. I think as well you should tell Fiona that lads of this age are not looking for love as a rule and that Steve has been boasting about his exploits. Suggest that she's been used and that she could make a complaint. I'd leave the blood bit out but how gross and horrible can you be to take photos of that. Is it worth contacting Steve's mother if you know her. I'd bet she'd be horrified about an underage girl. Likewise is there someone at the university you could talk to?


wellcoveredsparerib · 07/04/2013 14:53

how can Steve be a friend of yours from school if you are a middle aged woman an SD he is 19? Confused Confused


YouTheCat · 07/04/2013 14:54

I don't know. I think I'd get a few friends onside and start calling him for going out with a little girl.

I don't reckon your dsis's friend will dump him but he'd dump her in a second if he was getting some stick for it.


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:54

Yes, sorry about this. Fiona is 16, she turned 16 just before she started seeing Steve if my calculations are right. But she is still in school. The police could not do anything, could they?

OP posts:

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 14:55

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wellcoveredsparerib · 07/04/2013 14:56

sorry. I misread. I see you are 18.


CheCazzo · 07/04/2013 14:57

Are we allowed to say the gossip?


MrsMelons · 07/04/2013 14:57

The girl is not being abused but he is a complete wanker and very immature by the sounds of it. I would think very carefully before speaking to her parents or the police. For acting like a tosser it could ruin the rest of his life (I understand at the moment it may feel like he deserves it!). This happened to a friend of mine, he met a girl who was drinking in a pub,she said she was 19, he was 19 and had a one night stand with her. Her parents found out some weeks later, went to the police and it was on his record for the rest of his life.

I would definitely speak to him and tell him what a wanker he has been and definitely get him to delete the photos. I am not sure that you should get involved as in a few weeks/months (?) they will be 16 and it really won't be your business. I know they are not adults but they are also not children either. It is difficult but if I were you I would want to be the person they can trust to talk to as if anything does happen to upset either of them it is better they come and talk to you rather than hide it.

Please don't think I believe that it is ok how he is behaving but not all 19 year olds who date 15 year olds behave like that (it really is very common as boys are so immature at that age) but I do think going to the police at this stage is OTT.


CheCazzo · 07/04/2013 14:57

Say THAT ffs Grin


KobayashiMaru · 07/04/2013 14:57

no, the police can't do anything, its not at all illegal. 16 year old girl 19 year old male seems normal to me, it was when I was 16.


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:59

I am 18.

I will have a quite word with both Steve and Fiona I think. I went through something similair when I was younger (minus the blood) so could go from that angle. I won't mention the blood, that will be humiliating for her. I dont know why the fuck he would take a picture, probably thought his 'laddy mates' who are actually not very paddy, would find it hilarious. They didn't, they found it uncomfortable and cringey.

OP posts:

Theicingontop · 07/04/2013 14:59

As she's sixteen and has presumably given consent, the police won't touch the matter.

I think you should tell her. I don't think protecting her from what he's been doing will do her any favours in the future.


MrsMelons · 07/04/2013 15:00

Sorry x posts - see she is in fact 16 so the police issue is irrelevant and the only thing he is guilty of is being a tosser, she will realise at some point. I am sure most of us have been there!


Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 15:00

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Theicingontop · 07/04/2013 15:01

And if I were in her position, and found out down the line that everyone knew but didn't tell me, that would be more humiliating.


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:03

Thanks mrsmelons, I am going to speak to him.

And why would I make this up? Hmm
It took me ages to write that OP! I need advice from people outside the situation. Especially parents of teenagers as my DD is only 14m so I have no real experience apart from my own.

And no I dont know Steves mum, as I said we are not friends, he is just friends with my friends and I went to school with him. He's an arrogant arsehole.

OP posts:

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:05

Theicing, yes I agree with that actually. I need to tell her sooner rather than later.

OP posts:

Nerfmother · 07/04/2013 15:06

You're 18? so had the baby at 16 1/2 ? and worried about this one having sex at 16?
sorry, but your op is worded strangely and i'm not sure what advice you are seeking. Maybe a bit less interest in bleeding after loss of virginity would be better?


MrsMelons · 07/04/2013 15:07

Gossip what on earth would make you think it is untrue? The police regularly prosecute men for having consensual sex with 15 year olds. Do you remember Graham Rix the football coach from Chelsea? He spent time in prison and was in a relationship with the girl who had lied about her age!

You are right to not mention the blood as it would really embarrass her. Don't push the issue with her though - if she does stay with him it sounds VERY likely she will need you in the future to talk to about this!


HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 15:08

For the record it doesn't have to be the abusee that presses forward my best friends dad had her first boyfriend put on the sex offenders register when he got best friend pregnant at 15.

Op, I don't think you should pull him aside quietly, personally I would recommend making a fool of him to everyone ( I like the laxatives photos idea but we'll probably get flamed for it) also you could drag him off to a quiet corner near the ladies, looking like you want to make out, swipe his phone and delete photos yourself.

If you want to be less underhand, before you've all had a skinful call him on it publicly, the others will probably be pleased someone else has finally said it. Something like " some one must be spreading nasty rumours about you mate, I heard you shagged some schoolie, took her virginity, took pictures of the blood that proves it was her virfinity and them started showing them to your mates, but I didn't think you were thy kind of scum? now delete the pics or ill cut your balls off"

Feel free to paraphrase Wink


NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:12

I had my DD at 17 yes, and yes actually that's part of the reason I care so much. I dont want either of them to end up pregnant.

My OP is probably worded strangely because I'm not very good at getting my point across and tried to include all the relevent details.

I am talking about her bleeding because he has been telling everyone and showing his friends pictures. Not sure why that is weird when this is one of the main issues with Fiona and Steve.

I am looking for advice on what I'm supposed to do about an awkward and upsetting situation for a teenage girl who I care very much about.

Jeeeeez, I thought this is what mumsnet was for, advice and other opinions? Hmm

I've been here for 18 months, and although I dont post often I do post when I need too.

OP posts:

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 15:14

Really? Ok.

I work in Social Care but I am sure you know better :)

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