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Original poster

What do i do about this horrible awkward situation with Dsis best friend?

119 replies

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:25

Basically my Dsis and her friend (I'll call her Fiona) are 15, nearly 16. Fiona has recently started seeing one of my friends from school who is now at university and is 19(Let's call him steve)

Dsis and Fiona have gone up on the train to meet Steve and his friend a couple of times and stayed overnight. My sister was seeing Steves friend but now is not, but Fiona is still 'with' Steve.

I was not happy about this in the first place due to them only being 15. I told Dsis this but obviously she doesn't think it's weird and they carried on going up to see them so I let them get on with it. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but Steve has form for being a bit of wanker anyway and takes a lot of 'party drugs' I care very much about my Dsis and her friend so told them this.

Fiona lost her virginity to Steve and is very much 'in love' with him. Dsis told me that Fiona bled quite a lot (which I thought is fairly normal when you lose your virginity? I didn't bleed but I know it's quite common) She told me this in confidence and I have not told a soul. Fiona was extremely embarrassed about this and Dsis told me she cried.

Me and Steve are not good friends, but he is good friends with my good friends IYSWIM? And also I'll take this opportunity to tell you that I am 18, not a middle aged woman who is best friends with 18/19 year olds

Anyway, a few days ago my best friend was out for drinks with a few of ours and Steves mutual good friends and Steve himself. Steve was laughing and joking about Fiona bleeding to some of the 'lads' and showing them pictures on his phone of the blood. Our friends were not interested in this but apparently he kept going on about it.

My BF told me about this the next day and i was fuming. So was she. But we dont know what to do about it.

For now I have told my Dsis what has happened but told her to to say anything to Fiona for now, as i dont want her to be even more embarrassed about it. I also dont want her to know that all of mine and Steve's mutual friends (and who knows who else?!) know about it. I know if it was the 15 year old me in this situation I would be absolutely mortified.

I feel so sorry for her because Steve is her first 'Love' and she has been telling my sister how happy she is etc etc. i am so fucking angry at Steve, because this shows how little respect he has for this girl and how much of an absolute fucking cunt he is.

Fiona is an absolutely lovely girl and I care about her a lot. Her and my sister are extremely close so i kind of class her as a little sister aswell. She has come to me for advice before on a past relationship and i know her very well. She has no older siblings so I also think she thinks of me as a big sister figure. She is very naive especially in relationships and both her and my Dsis think they are much more grown up and mature than they actually are.

Me and my BF, a group of our mutual friends and Steve himself are due to go out in Newcastle for a night out at the weekend. I was thinking of taking him to one side under the excuse that i need a 'catch up' with him and basically telling him how much of a cunt he is and making him delete the pictures. he has a younger sister so I was going to go for the angle of 'How would you feel of someone did this to your little sister?'

I am also so fucking tempted to buy some laxatives and buy him a drink beforehand and spike it with them so he shits himself and then take pictures of him and see how he's fucking likes it. I won't, obviously unless one of you tells me it's a good idea

Should I even say anything to him? I'm not sure I could hold it in all night, especially when I've had a few drinks. I am really angry at him, but was thinking if I just stay calm and speak to him out of the way of everyone else in a blunt manner it might make the point to him and make him think about it and stop him from doing something like this again.

But I have no idea what to say or do about Fiona, it's such an awkward and horrible situation. I think I should get Dsis to talk to her but when and what does she say? I really dont want her to know that all of my friends know as sometimes my sister hangs out with Fiona at my house when my friends are there too and I dont want her to feel she can't still come round, even though she shouldn't feel that way anyway.

What do I do?

I'm going away for a bit to do some housework but I'll be back soon, any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
noclue2000 · 07/04/2013 15:15

The advice and opinions would be more help to you if you made sure you gave the right information.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/04/2013 15:15

You're 18? so had the baby at 16 1/2 ? and worried about this one having sex at 16?

That comment is totally uncalled for. The OP sounds very mature and caring. She's not commenting on their decision to have sex but on the lack of maturity by the boy.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 15:16

Hey nirvana, chill Smile I recognise your name it stands out to me Wink

There had been a lot of nasty trolling on here recently and some people are understandably in edge

The one about the kid sleeping in the rabbit hitch springs to mind Shock

MadBraLady · 07/04/2013 15:18

Not sure quite why people are finding your OP puzzling. Confused

If he's as much of a knob as he sounds, I'd bet anything this is not the only knobbish thing he's done to Fiona. There'll be other nasty or arseholish stuff she IS aware of, and is ignoring/justifying to herself as all part of their lurve. If you and your DSis talked to her about it for long enough, even just as a general relationships chat, those things would come out and you could identify them to her as NOT behaviour she should tolerate in men. A twat radar is the best gift of friendship you can give anyone!

Original poster
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:19

Herrana, thankyou! That is a good idea. I'll think about it. I just didn't want to end up making it awkward for everyone else but yes, they are all probably thinking the same as me. I'll have to ask them what they all think before we go out. I do want to embarrass him and show him what it feels like, he's an absolute twat.

I suppose all I can do for Fiona then is to sit her down (with Dsis there too?) and tell her he has been bragging about his conquests and speaking about her in a derogatory way and try to make her see she is better than this. And let her know she can talk to me and that I'll be here for her.

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 07/04/2013 15:20

I asked because i'm not sure what the op wants to know. I'm also trying to work out what the facts are.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 15:20

Oops posted too soon.

I don't doubt your difficult situation and you are getting plenty if good advice. When you had your baby is not relevant. Your not judging them for having sex your judging him for behaving like an utter wank stain.

Is she likely to find out anyway if you don't tell her?

Tiredmumno1 · 07/04/2013 15:24

You sound like a lovely caring person, I think having a quiet word with her like you said is the best way forward. Take the opportunity to tell her not all men are complete fuckers, she is still young, and needs to learn her way. I think it's great she has you and your sis to be able to confide in.

I really hope it works out, and as for him maybe a quiet word to tell him he needs to grow the fuck up wouldn't hurt. Then steer clear of him.

squeakytoy · 07/04/2013 15:25

OP, can I just say it is refreshing to see an 18 year old who is clearly very articulate. I think that is why many posters are a bit suspicious, because you do write very well.

maxpower · 07/04/2013 15:27

Nerfmother your post about opinion being a young mum is totally uncalled for. She's not berating Fiona for choosing to have sex at 16. Op difficult situation just try not to burn bridges with Fiona or your dsis as it sounds like you're a good source of support and guidance that they'll need in the future.

Original poster
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:28

Thanks, I've not been around much the past few days so hadn't noticed any trolling, sorry. Not seen the one about a kid in a rabbit hutch?! Has it been deleted?

Mardy, gpod idea about the general relationship chat. I think she does respect my opinion on these things because she has come to me for advice before.

The trouble is with my Ddis and Fiona is that they are relatively new to all the relationship stuff so dont really know what they should expect from a guy and can't really distinguish between when a guy is a twat and when a guy is just being a guy.ab example f this is once when my sister and Fiona were all dressed up to go out and Dsis said 'oh what if no one thinks I look fit tonight and all the guys say I'm ugly' in a jokey way, but I was just taken aback and said 'well why would you want to hang out with guys that do that?' and she just kind of gave me a 'oh you dont know anything' kind of look.. Bit as I said they are naive and not quite as grown up as they think. Its all a steep learning curve at this age. To my embarrassment, I was quit similar in my attitude at that age.

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 07/04/2013 15:31

no, my post was trying to work out what the issue was. I don't care when the op had her dc, i can't follow the first post properly. i'm also slightly confused by the 'not a middle aged woman' bit, and the ages of everyone involved.

Original poster
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:32

Thsnkyou everyone.. Its nice to see some people dont think I'm a troll but now I know quite a bits being going on recently I kind of understand why people would be suspicious!

Thanks squeaky, that's nice to read. I always worry I dont get my point across very well on here which is why I dont post very often and when I do It takes me ages to write a post! Grin

OP posts:
MrsBombastic · 07/04/2013 15:34

You have to sit her down and tell her I'm afraid.

Take your Bff who was there at the time, let HER relay the story.

Yes, she will be embaressed but it's up to you all to reassure her that no one was really interested in what he was saying anyway and that he is a big wanker who doesn't appreciate or deserve her.

She will probably stay with him anyway but at least all of your conciences are clear. It also gets your sister off the hook for telling you about her friend loosing her virginity and it gets your sis out of a hotspot as you've now put her on the spot for telling her about all of this.

MrsMelons · 07/04/2013 15:35

Gossip You are very rude and it is uncalled for - just because you work in Social Care does that mean you absolutely know that a man would not ever be prosecuted for having sex with a 15 year old as I absolutely know it has happened, maybe not in every situation of course.

I do not understand why someone who works in a relevant field has to know everything about everyones situation!

KatyTheCleaningLady · 07/04/2013 15:35

I am impressed with the op: her caring concern, her eloquent way of expressing herself. I think her post is believable and clear.

I think you should have a heart to heart with this girl and tell her what he's doing. She's going to get hurt, no matter what. You can be there for her and encouraging her to be angry, not ashamed, and urging her to demand better from men in the future.

Original poster
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:35

I said I was not a middle aged woman so people wouldn't be wondering why I was friends with people who were 18/19 Confused as most people on here are older than me and I always assume (rightly or wrongly) that everyone is older so thought other people would think the same.

And actually, you did make a dig at me for having a child young. You might not have meant it, but you did.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 07/04/2013 15:36

Nerf I think the middle aged comment was so we didn't find it odd that she was friends with her sis and friend (if that makes sense)

The OP Has now established that the friend is in fact 16, so is not a matter for the police.

Lastly she just wants advice on how to handle the situation, as he has been bragging about what happened to his mates (who were less than impressed) the bleeding comes into it as he was showing his mates photos, and the friend is obviously embarrassed she bled.

At least that's how I read it anyway Smile

Snoopingforsoup · 07/04/2013 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MrsMelons · 07/04/2013 15:38

Sorry - I realised I said regularly but I guess I didn't really mean it quite like that - just that it does happen and I know of it several times over a few years so regularly as in not once every few years!

Tiredmumno1 · 07/04/2013 15:39

Snooping the OP is 18, with a child of her own.

Why shouldn't she be in using MN?

Nerfmother · 07/04/2013 15:39

Actually I didn't. You can infer what you like, obviously.
Really not in the mood to get into an argument on a lovely Sunday - good luck with the advice others have posted.

Original poster
NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 15:39

Massive thankyou for all the advice everyone Thanks

My head is much clearer now.

but who should I speak to first, Steve or Fiona?
I think Steve because I can let him know that I know and that I will be telling Fiona.

And them to have a heart to heart with Dsis and Fiona? Not sure my BF should be there as I think it might make Fiona clam up a bit and feel awkward talking about it..

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 07/04/2013 15:39

And I wouldn't class an 18 year old as a child

Snoopingforsoup · 07/04/2013 15:40

OK, seems there are crossed posts.
OP, my apologies - but you wouldn't believe some of the crazy made up stuff that gets posted here.
Steve is horrible and your friend will come to realise this. I'm not sure anything can be done, but you should talk to your Dsis's friend.