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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do i do about this horrible awkward situation with Dsis best friend?

119 replies

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 07/04/2013 14:25

Basically my Dsis and her friend (I'll call her Fiona) are 15, nearly 16. Fiona has recently started seeing one of my friends from school who is now at university and is 19(Let's call him steve)

Dsis and Fiona have gone up on the train to meet Steve and his friend a couple of times and stayed overnight. My sister was seeing Steves friend but now is not, but Fiona is still 'with' Steve.

I was not happy about this in the first place due to them only being 15. I told Dsis this but obviously she doesn't think it's weird and they carried on going up to see them so I let them get on with it. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but Steve has form for being a bit of wanker anyway and takes a lot of 'party drugs' I care very much about my Dsis and her friend so told them this.

Fiona lost her virginity to Steve and is very much 'in love' with him. Dsis told me that Fiona bled quite a lot (which I thought is fairly normal when you lose your virginity? I didn't bleed but I know it's quite common) She told me this in confidence and I have not told a soul. Fiona was extremely embarrassed about this and Dsis told me she cried.

Me and Steve are not good friends, but he is good friends with my good friends IYSWIM? And also I'll take this opportunity to tell you that I am 18, not a middle aged woman who is best friends with 18/19 year olds

Anyway, a few days ago my best friend was out for drinks with a few of ours and Steves mutual good friends and Steve himself. Steve was laughing and joking about Fiona bleeding to some of the 'lads' and showing them pictures on his phone of the blood. Our friends were not interested in this but apparently he kept going on about it.

My BF told me about this the next day and i was fuming. So was she. But we dont know what to do about it.

For now I have told my Dsis what has happened but told her to to say anything to Fiona for now, as i dont want her to be even more embarrassed about it. I also dont want her to know that all of mine and Steve's mutual friends (and who knows who else?!) know about it. I know if it was the 15 year old me in this situation I would be absolutely mortified.

I feel so sorry for her because Steve is her first 'Love' and she has been telling my sister how happy she is etc etc. i am so fucking angry at Steve, because this shows how little respect he has for this girl and how much of an absolute fucking cunt he is.

Fiona is an absolutely lovely girl and I care about her a lot. Her and my sister are extremely close so i kind of class her as a little sister aswell. She has come to me for advice before on a past relationship and i know her very well. She has no older siblings so I also think she thinks of me as a big sister figure. She is very naive especially in relationships and both her and my Dsis think they are much more grown up and mature than they actually are.

Me and my BF, a group of our mutual friends and Steve himself are due to go out in Newcastle for a night out at the weekend. I was thinking of taking him to one side under the excuse that i need a 'catch up' with him and basically telling him how much of a cunt he is and making him delete the pictures. he has a younger sister so I was going to go for the angle of 'How would you feel of someone did this to your little sister?'

I am also so fucking tempted to buy some laxatives and buy him a drink beforehand and spike it with them so he shits himself and then take pictures of him and see how he's fucking likes it. I won't, obviously unless one of you tells me it's a good idea

Should I even say anything to him? I'm not sure I could hold it in all night, especially when I've had a few drinks. I am really angry at him, but was thinking if I just stay calm and speak to him out of the way of everyone else in a blunt manner it might make the point to him and make him think about it and stop him from doing something like this again.

But I have no idea what to say or do about Fiona, it's such an awkward and horrible situation. I think I should get Dsis to talk to her but when and what does she say? I really dont want her to know that all of my friends know as sometimes my sister hangs out with Fiona at my house when my friends are there too and I dont want her to feel she can't still come round, even though she shouldn't feel that way anyway.

What do I do?

I'm going away for a bit to do some housework but I'll be back soon, any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/04/2013 16:16

I think you need to tell Fiona first. Be very gentle about it, the poor girl will probably feel dreadful. Its tough at that age. But at least if she knows she can take some power back to decide what to do about it. You can help her with that.
Laxatives sound like a super idea, but as a middle aged sensible woman I didn't say that, ok?

lollilou · 07/04/2013 16:26

Yes I agree with the plan of telling Fiona gently first. TheChaoGoesMu has it minus the laxatives at the moment.

glenthebattleostrich · 07/04/2013 16:30

Schlock, you're a Geordie on Tour, never an ex-Geordie!!

OP, Steve sounds like a wanker. I'd encourage your sisters mate to dump him before you go away and then tell everyone whilst you are there (under the guise of concern) about him getting dumped and why!

CSIJanner · 07/04/2013 16:32

On an aside note.....

GlenTheBattleOstrich - BBT! Love the name

missingwelliesinsd · 07/04/2013 16:49

First I'd be sneaky - get one of your mutual friends to get and forward you the picture he took with his phone -this is the leverage you need.

Then have a plain talk with him and make it VERY clear what a scumbag he is for taking and showing pictures around and making a joke out of Fiona.

Then make it clear that what he thinks is a joke is the is actually his taking of a minor's virginity and since she was 15 and he was 19 that is absolutely statutory rape and you have the photographic evidence to prove it (I wouldn't bother mentioning that his bragging about it to so many people also makes it incredibly likely that some witnesses will confirm it too).

I would also point out (because some people are still ignorant of the law), that there is NO defense in statutory rape of consent or of him mistaking her age for someone older. The only defense is that it didn't happen, and you have overwhelming proof that it did.

I guess at this point you have a choice; tell him to shut-up and apologise (maybe too much to hope for an apology) and to delete the picture etc... or if he refuses let him know that you'll be explaining everything fully to Fiona (which I think you should do in any case) and let her decide on a course of action.

I'd also remind him, in case he thinks about bullying Fiona into being quiet that it's not just the alleged victim's choice to bring a statutory rape charge. If the police are informed and investigate they can bring charges regardless of whether the alleged victim cooperates, that's actually quite common in Statutory rape cases.

Sorry, that was long but I wanted to make it clear that this idiot is in a lot of trouble potentially and he sounds too stupid to know it.

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 17:03

The police would not investigate this - unless "Fiona" went to them and directly accused him of raping her.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/04/2013 17:13

They might do if she had been 15 gossip. I've seen a few cases where the police have got involved when the parents have reported it. But as Fiona is 16 and consented, its irrelevant anyway.

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 17:17

And did any of them result in a prosecution? On the say so of parents who presumably weren't in the room at the time of the offence?

With an unwilling witness?

MooncupGoddess · 07/04/2013 17:18

Good luck OP.

Can I just point out that 'statutory rape' does not exist as a crime in the UK... it's 'unlawful intercourse with a minor'.

GlaikitFizzog · 07/04/2013 17:24

Gossip, you may have "vast" experience in this area, but you cannot possibly know every single case that has ever been reported to the police and its outcome.

I know of a case, girl 15, in a relationship with boy 18. Girl falls pregnant, parents report, police investigate, boy charged and case reported. Girl is witness, but testimony is that she consented, boy still found guilty of unlawful inter course with a minor. This is my experience. I agree that not all reports of this nature get as far as court. But some do.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/04/2013 17:29

Yes they did gossip. I was the case manager for one of the cases when I worked in child protection.

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 17:30

I don't think I said I did know of every single case did I?

I come across this on a weekly basis and in 10 yrs have never know one go to court never mind get as far as a conviction. Between 14 and 16 is a grey area in the law when it comes to consent/age.

It's very very unusual and I would place a bet on the parents having quite a lot of "pull" somewhere. If that did indeed happen.

cocolepew · 07/04/2013 17:32

I would speak to Fiona and gauge her reaction. Hopefully she won't go on the defensive and make excuses for him. She might if she's embarassed.

Good luck

WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2013 17:32

The stable door is open and the horse has well and truly bolted. He's told enough people, anymore won't really change anything.

All he has is a photo of is a bit of body fluid, which it appears he is showing and not getting the reaction he was looking for anyway. I would not lower myself by asking him to stop telling people or to delete the photo.

Let him know what you and everyone else is saying about of him, then spend your energy supporting Fiona on how to deal with it with dignity.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/04/2013 17:33

It certainly did happen gossip. Sorry about that

GlaikitFizzog · 07/04/2013 17:34

No but you did question someone else's experience as if there was no way it could have happened because it had never happened to a case you were involved in. I am not questioning your experience, why are you questioning others!

Gossipmonster · 07/04/2013 17:37

I was making the point that if it was consenting with no imbalance of power the police would not bother investigating it.

The ones that go to court are not normally sex between two consenting teenagers - there would be other factors involved too.

Sorry if I didn't spell that out.

MummytoKatie · 07/04/2013 19:56

I'd tell him that you think she might be only 15 so he should probably delete those photos and hope no-one says anything or he could be in trouble. When he says "but she said she was 16" just laugh and say"that's what I said to men when I was 15!"

Do him good to have a bit of a scare.......

Original poster

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother · 08/04/2013 11:00

Right I've slept on it and spoke to my BF about it, still not spoke to my sister because she went to a party last night instead of coming to mine! But I'll hopefully see her later.

Thanks everyone again for all your advice, as I'm on my phone its difficult for me to get all of your names and respond individually to your advice and comments. But I just wanted you all to know that I've read this thread like 4 times and have taken it all on board and I really appreciate the different opinions and solutions you've given me for this problem. Also thanks to everyone who stuck up for me doesn't think I'm a troll

Basically what I'm gonna do is invite Fiona and dsis round one night for a girly night with ice cream and films and to help me decide what to wear and stuff at the weekend. Then I'm going to gently bring it up and tell her the whole story, let her know she does not have to put up with this from him and that now she knows, she has the power. I need to make sure she knows that nobody was laughing at her and that now Steves friends think he os even more of a massive fucking wanker. I'm also going to have a chat about what is not normal behaviour in a relationship and about the fact that boys around our age are not generally looking for love but that not all men are wankers and they (most of them) grow out of it.

I'm really nervous actually, feel dreadful for poor lovely Fiona

As someone else said though, he may manage to reel her back in with some bullshit. If that happens then all I can do is continue to offer my support and for me and my sister to continue to be there for her. at least she will know what he's done.

Not 100% sure on what exactly I'm going to do about Steve yet but I have a general idea and am going to mull it over this morning and come up with a proper plan. Scaring him is a good idea. I also want to make him ashamed of himself. I'll definitely be saying something to him.
bought some laxatives just in case

Thanks again everyone :) I shall be back later!

OP posts:

MusicalEndorphins · 08/04/2013 11:27

NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother, you are a kind and sensitive big sister... to both of the girls. I am glad you are telling her, she really needs to know he is being disrespectful of her.

TheChaoGoesMu · 08/04/2013 11:28

Good luck. Hope it all goes ok.

freeandhappy · 08/04/2013 11:32

Please do talk to him but maybe not on a night out. It would e much better if you did it sober and deadly serious. What a horrible person. And good on you for looking out for your younge friend and sister. It may be upsetting for her but far better that she is much more cautious about who she sleeps with in future.

GreatUncleEddie · 08/04/2013 11:41

Apologies for reading the op and not the rest of the thread. But is there really any chance that anything you told your little sister she hasn't told Fiona straight away??

chris481 · 08/04/2013 12:13

there is NO defense in statutory rape of consent or of him mistaking her age for someone older

A policeman I met said there is a "statutory defence" of reasonably believing her to be old enough, as long as the boy is under a certain age himself. Having said that, although I can't remember, I think the age the boy has to be to qualify for this was quite young, possibly 18, so "Steve" may not qualify.

(I know that in the OP the girl has turned out not to be under-age.)

The comment by "Synner" in this Yahoo answer link would seem to confirm that in that case of a 17-year old having sex with a 15-year old, convincing a court that he reasonably believed her to be 16 would get him off the hook.

uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110807150156AAEjkYk

Berts · 08/04/2013 12:16

Hi Nirvana - that sounds like a great plan of action. I definitely support shaming Steve too and think it's a good idea to get him to think about how he'd feel if someone treated his little sister this way.

Also, you might want to point out that if he didn't know that virgins (often) bleed the first time, he obviously is very sexually inexperienced and knows nothing about women. But that might be childish .

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