What do i do about this horrible awkward situation with Dsis best friend?

[NirvanaSmellsLikeTeenMother]

Basically my Dsis and her friend (I'll call her Fiona) are 15, nearly 16. Fiona has recently started seeing one of my friends from school who is now at university and is 19(Let's call him steve)

Dsis and Fiona have gone up on the train to meet Steve and his friend a couple of times and stayed overnight. My sister was seeing Steves friend but now is not, but Fiona is still 'with' Steve.

I was not happy about this in the first place due to them only being 15. I told Dsis this but obviously she doesn't think it's weird and they carried on going up to see them so I let them get on with it. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but Steve has form for being a bit of wanker anyway and takes a lot of 'party drugs' I care very much about my Dsis and her friend so told them this.

Fiona lost her virginity to Steve and is very much 'in love' with him. Dsis told me that Fiona bled quite a lot (which I thought is fairly normal when you lose your virginity? I didn't bleed but I know it's quite common) She told me this in confidence and I have not told a soul. Fiona was extremely embarrassed about this and Dsis told me she cried.

Me and Steve are not good friends, but he is good friends with my good friends IYSWIM? And also I'll take this opportunity to tell you that I am 18, not a middle aged woman who is best friends with 18/19 year olds

Anyway, a few days ago my best friend was out for drinks with a few of ours and Steves mutual good friends and Steve himself. Steve was laughing and joking about Fiona bleeding to some of the 'lads' and showing them pictures on his phone of the blood. Our friends were not interested in this but apparently he kept going on about it.

My BF told me about this the next day and i was fuming. So was she. But we dont know what to do about it.

For now I have told my Dsis what has happened but told her to to say anything to Fiona for now, as i dont want her to be even more embarrassed about it. I also dont want her to know that all of mine and Steve's mutual friends (and who knows who else?!) know about it. I know if it was the 15 year old me in this situation I would be absolutely mortified.

I feel so sorry for her because Steve is her first 'Love' and she has been telling my sister how happy she is etc etc. i am so fucking angry at Steve, because this shows how little respect he has for this girl and how much of an absolute fucking cunt he is.

Fiona is an absolutely lovely girl and I care about her a lot. Her and my sister are extremely close so i kind of class her as a little sister aswell. She has come to me for advice before on a past relationship and i know her very well. She has no older siblings so I also think she thinks of me as a big sister figure. She is very naive especially in relationships and both her and my Dsis think they are much more grown up and mature than they actually are.

Me and my BF, a group of our mutual friends and Steve himself are due to go out in Newcastle for a night out at the weekend. I was thinking of taking him to one side under the excuse that i need a 'catch up' with him and basically telling him how much of a cunt he is and making him delete the pictures. he has a younger sister so I was going to go for the angle of 'How would you feel of someone did this to your little sister?'

I am also so fucking tempted to buy some laxatives and buy him a drink beforehand and spike it with them so he shits himself and then take pictures of him and see how he's fucking likes it. I won't, obviously unless one of you tells me it's a good idea

Should I even say anything to him? I'm not sure I could hold it in all night, especially when I've had a few drinks. I am really angry at him, but was thinking if I just stay calm and speak to him out of the way of everyone else in a blunt manner it might make the point to him and make him think about it and stop him from doing something like this again.

But I have no idea what to say or do about Fiona, it's such an awkward and horrible situation. I think I should get Dsis to talk to her but when and what does she say? I really dont want her to know that all of my friends know as sometimes my sister hangs out with Fiona at my house when my friends are there too and I dont want her to feel she can't still come round, even though she shouldn't feel that way anyway.

What do I do?

I'm going away for a bit to do some housework but I'll be back soon, any advice appreciated!

My sister hasn't said anything to Fiona yet, I told her not to because i didn't want to embarrass her, bit now we have a plan its all good.

I agree with the fact it would be better to speak to him sober, but i can do serious when I've had a few drinks and i never really see Steve unless ita on a big night out due to him being at uni and the fact i dont really like him and dont wish to socialize with him on my own!

still mulling over the plan...

Nirvana you sound lovely and thoughtful and it's a good plan. Hope she reacts well.

I wouldn't bother with Steve myself but that's cos I am a wuss and find it makes for a quieter life to just steer clear of the knobheads!

Nirvana, sound like a good plan.

Was imagining I was Fiona and I think I would be really embarrassed having that conversation with you and your dsis there.

Maybe consider doing it one to one. She might be more likely to open up if she knows it will stay between just you and her. She might be less likely to get defensive of Steve if she doesn't fell ganged up on (and she can share what she wants with your dsis after), especially with you being an older (albeit only slightly) more mature person.

Bump
How'd it go OP ?

I remember you posting whilst pg. I had my DD when I was 16. I don't see how the age of a poster when they had their DC is relevant to the majority of their posts tbh. And I've been here for bloody ever...

I'd speak to her first so steve doesn't have a chance to discredit you to fiona - if he knows he could "make stuff up" - eg in the childish mind of a 13 yr old in a 19yr olds body "don't believe her she tried it on with me in Newcastle and she's trying to split us up" etc

OP. I think you sound very sensible and concerned for the younger girls, which is lovely, however you Don't mention your own parents in all of this

Would it be worth having a word with your own mom, nothing specific about Fiona's situation, but a general chat about letting your 15 year old sister travel to spend nights over with older lads. This may help your dsis in the future even if she doesn't appreciate it now.

I have a 17 yo dd and I would not have allowed her to do this at 15 for her own welfare.

Apologises if your family situation is not as straight forward as that

oh god couthy don't raise that one again I've already explained - the original op was confusing, the op mentioned something about middle aged women, but then she was only 18, or something. Tiredmum summarised it for me, job done.

Just read the thread.

Definately a good plan. She needs to know everything so that she can make the right decisions for herself about fuckwits like this.

You are a great friend to have! Good luck

statutory rape does not exist in the uk,ad if it did it is for those aged under 12.Look it up.

Good grief, this Steve character is unhinged. Poor Fiona :(

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and put his weirdness down to youthful bravado social awkwardness and lack of life experience rather than anything sinister, but that doesn't detract from the fact that Fiona (and pretty much any woman tbh) needs to give him a wide berth.

Glad you're there to keep an eye, OP.

Sorry for the late update everyone, I snapped my charger on Monday and have only just been able to get a new one so have been phoneless!

It all kicked off on Monday night, my BF asked if I wanted to join her and a few others for a spontaneous birthday meal out. So I asked my sister if she could babysit for me so I could go out for a few hours (it was her first time babysitting and thankfully DD didn't wake up and Dsis did a very good job!)
I said she could have a friend here with her so she invited Fiona. DSis had asked me not to tell Fiona tonight as she was due to go to Newc with Steve on Tuesday morning, which was all paid for etc. I thought this would be even more of a reason to tell her TBH,But I think my sister was nervous and didn't want to upset her.

Anyway, I went out to meet everyone and yes, There was Steve. I started off the night just being friendly but not making an effort to speak to him unless he spoke to me.
After the meal I said I was off to the bar and Steve said he'd come with me. So we were stood there making small talk for a few minutes, then the awkward silence descended (As i have said, Steve is not my friend and me and a few others that think he is a wanker find it quite hard to keep conversation flowing with him. Probably because he always on something) I took my opportunity because I was struggling to be pleasant and had had a glass of wine and basically said
'Look, I'm sick of pretending to be nice to you when I actually think you're a massive cunt. I know about the picture and i want you to delete it. I am telling Fiona tonight.'

He looked really shocked and embarrassed and deleted the picture in front of me, i didn't see it or have any wish to see it so i dont know if it was definitely that picture he deleted..

I then went on to say 'How would you feel if that was your little sister? Have you really got that little respect for someone you supposedly love? This is not normal laddish behaviour, this is prize cunt behaviour. You clearly can't know much about sex if you think its weird for someone to bleed when they lose their virginity. But because it's BFs birthday let's just leave it there'

About an hour later and at a different place I was talking to one of Steve and I's close friends while everyone else had gone out to smoke. He said he'd noticed us talking at the bar and that we now weren't really speaking, so I told him what had gone on as he already knew about the picture. And yes, Steve walked in and was stood behind me while I was saying how much of a cunt he is, that he has no respect for women, that everyone now thinks he's a complete twat etc etc

I'm not sure how much he heard but stormed out, then came back about 30 seconds later saying how he always stood up for me when people came up to him in town and bitched about me() Which seems like immature bullshit anyway, who would just go up to someone and start saying nasty things about someone else? And also even if it was true it's not exactly relevent to this situation. Which I told him.

He was then saying stuff like 'we've been friends for years, I thought we were close' etc. I replied to this by saying that actually, no we were not friends, not even on Facebook. I have seen you about 3 times since we were in school and barely spoke to you anyway..

He walked out and me and 2 others decided to leave and go home. We walked past BF, Steve and everyone else as we left and I may have done the really immature thing of saying 'Bye [everyones names apart from steves] love you all'

I then got home, sat Fiona down and told her straight what had gone on and that she shouldn't have to put up with this. That I was always here for her etc (pretty much everything that's been said on here) She decided she didn't want to go to Newcastle with him and went back to my sisters.

The next day Steve had managed to bullshit his way out of it by saying it was ages ago (what? Why would that make it better anyway?) and Fiona ended up going to Newcastle and now they are 'together and happy again' because he bought her some ice cream
My sister is pissed off at her because Steves pretty much said I'm lying and Fiona believes him. She thinks to some extent that Fiona likes the drama, and apparently she's fallen out with him about 5 times since she found out about the picture, all about petty things like him not waking up by 10am, getting her the wrong thing from Mcadonalds etc
Dsid told Fiona she doesn't think she takes the big things seriously enough and focuses too much on the small stuff. Fiona is now pissed off at Dsis. I see where Dsis is coming from completely, but I think maybe Fiona is focusing on the small things and ignoring this whole picture situation because she still wants to punish him and by her logic she can still continue this relationship and get back at him in small doses?

I've told Dsis she should just not mention Steve or dont interact with her if she brings up how happy they are or how pissed off she is about something minor (which apparently is a common occurence) and hopefully she will see on her own that it's not a healthy relationship. Which is what I did with my other best friend who was in a really damaging relationship with a twatty twat, I realised that I was getting nowhere by saying he was a twat everytime she told me he had been doing something twatty. It was almost as if by doing this I was making her more defensive about the relationship and making her want to make it work more to prove me wrong if that makes sense? Now, 2 months after I stopped engaging with her about him she has finished him off her own back and realised what a twat he was by herself.

The Fiona/Steve situation seems a bit silly to me now, even though I know it's not a healthy relationship for her, but I can't really see what else I can do now. So I'm not getting involved anymore. I've told Fiona I will be there for her whenever and if she needs to vent or talk that I will be here.

I've been the girl in an unhealthy relationship before when I was 14 so I think I'm more sensitive to these things and can see patterns more clearly. Therefore I want to get them out of it before it gets too serious and they get deeper into it. But I've learnt that they have to want to end it on there own terms and will not listen to friends and family (in my experience anyway, I was exactly the same)

Steve sent me a message on Facebook at about 4 o' clock Tuesday morning basically saying 'Im glad you told Fiona and you put me straight. I feel like a massive cunt and I know that was a horrible thing to do and I'm going to make it up to Fiona'

I replied saying 'I still have zero respect for you, hopefully now you will see you cant treat someone in such a disrespectful way. But we'll draw a line under it now and be civil.'

So yeah, there we go..

Thanks again everyone for your advice/support/suggestions and funny/nice posts too

I love Mumsnet!

Wow!!

You did good!!

Hope that Fiona works it out sooner rather than later...

That poor girl!
I think the issue here is not the sex but the fact that Steve is a major arsehole who doesn't care much for Fiona.
I mean who would take photos of the aftermath and laugh about it to his mates when Fiona was majorly embarrassed and was upset it happened

I would speak to Steve but try not to get angry or say it when drunk. This would only make him defensive.
Speak to him in a calm manner but say its not acceptable to treat anyone like that, use his own sister as an example, and tell him you want to see all the photographs deleted in front of you.
I would also speak to Fiona, but not through your DS as it might embarrass her more. Be truthful that you heard from your DP that Steve was bragging about taking her virginity and was trying to show his unimpressed mates the photos. She will be embarrassed and upset BUT she deserves to know the truth and then she can make her own decision on whether or not to continue the relationship.
Unfortunately most of us go through bad boys when young thinking we are in love and he's the best thing ever.
We get over it eventually and then set a standard for future partners that they'll never be as twatty as the first guy.
Xxx

Argh! Sorry I don't know why I missed the recent posts!

Well you did the right thing and now it's down to Fiona. Hopefully Steve has learned his lesson and will treat her with more respect in future.

Young love though, probably won't last. As long as she doesn't make the same mistake I did and stuck with my first 'love' for 12 years and was not happy for 11 of them!

Thats a great post op and well done for doing what you did. That was very well thought out, and I think you are right, if you and dsis dont talk much about him, fiona won't feel she has something to prove. Hopefully then things will just fizzle out.

Thanks everyone

Well done OP.
Fiona need to see what a twunt he is, but that only comes with self esteem and time.