AIBU to expect children to care for parents at some point

[ruthyroo]

Had an interesting discussion with my parents recently.

They were talking about an aged relative - my aunt's MIL - who is 90 and in failing health, and slipping into dementia. She has recently been in hospital, and is not keen to go home. She has asked to go to stay with my aunt and uncle 'until she's back on her feet'. My parents were talking about it as if she was scheming and conniving to somehow get her foot in the door at my Aunt's and sneakily live there forever instead. Since she is 90 and feels very vulnerable I said that surely it was totally natural for her to want to be with people she knows and trusts, and wasn't that what families did for each other.

Their reaction was very much that parents sacrifice themselves for children and help them out, not the other way round. And that if I expected my dc to look after me when I was old, well I'd better not rely on that. I pointed out that DH and I moved back to the UK from Aus, partly because they and my PIL are not getting any younger and that we fully expect to have to help them out more in the future. But they were not to be budged: parents help children out (financially, childcare, lodgings, support etc) - not the other way round.

In my aunt's case there are other factors that would not have made it a great idea for her to take her MIL in - she's not in great health herself, my uncle is in a wheelchair and she doesn't have children nearby to help her out. But my parents applied the same rule to themselves and said that they had no expectation of my sister and I helping them out or - God forbid - offering a place to live if they needed it when they are older.

AIBU and totally niave to expect that children help parents as well as the other way round?

laquitar So is the extended family set up good or bad? should we prioritise individual family units above the needs of the larger family, or should we see ourselves as interdependent?

I have to disagree about care homes not being so bad. My granny was in one for years, and it wasn't a good place. All her jewellery was stolen. She has alzheimers, so God knows if she was abused-we wouldn't have known. The old people sat in front of the telly all day. The smell was apalling.
My Nan on the other hand, who was older -she was quite old when she had my dad, lived in her own flat, and helped care for my cousins. She was always part of daily life, and had all her marbles right til she died aged 89.
I don't think anyone can care for a relative with alzheimers in thier home-it's too dangerous, but I do wish that so called "care" was better-much better.
Of course, as others have said, if you do have a large extended family, all of this is easier. In the last 40 years or so families have tended to move away from each other, and that network is not there.
I made a concious decision to be near my family after I had ds-partly for us to have an extended family network, and also so that I could be there for my parents.
As far as I am concerned, I don't particularly want ds to have to care for me, sowhen I start to go in my mind I intend to go out with a shedload of class A drugs and a bottle of Jack Daniels, with some good music on the stereo, in my own home.
No care homes for me.

Of course there's bad care homes IfNot, but you can't say they're all like that.
My mum spent the last month in her life in one, and the staff were wonderful and caring.

I have to disagree about care homes not being so bad. My granny was in one for years, and it wasn't a good place. All her jewellery was stolen. She has alzheimers, so God knows if she was abused-we wouldn't have known. The old people sat in front of the telly all day. The smell was apalling.

So what did you and your family do to protect her then?

Their are plenty of fantastic care home out there, and families need to pick carefully to find the one that is right for their loved one.

Hi nailak, oh i don't know..There are some plus points but on the other hand that set ups seem to create victims. I know countless cases where one couple has been used financialy by extended family, women who have been used, it is very difficult imo to have fairness in those set ups. Always one person takes more, one person gives more, it is too complicated. I prefer a more intependent set up where at least things are fair square.

People tend to talk a lot of smug shite about all this until they actually have to care for someone with dementia. Until they have actually done this I tend to listen to their saintly opinions with a wry smile.

well yes one person cannot look after someone with dementia, you need a team of people.

It is a bit like your friends without babies trying to tell you about baby care, and sore nipples. They just dont have a clue!

"My granny was in one for years, and it wasn't a good place. All her jewellery was stolen. She has alzheimers, "

Why did you not have her moved?

Would you let your child stay in a horrendous nursery?

Actually, jewellery in a care home is a very bad idea.

We were told that mum should not bring any valuables, and rightly so.

We bought her a set of "gold" plastic rings from H&M, she does not know the difference. But she misplaces them all the time. Wraps them in tissues, throws them in the bin.

Other "housemates" take them, thinking they are theirs, etc. We bought many sets so it does not matter.

When her rings are gone, we bring new ones, saying "oh look, here they are!" And she goes "Oh, great!" and puts them in the nearest flower pot for later.....

It is silly and thoughtless to not take precautions when moving an old person into a care setting. And far too easy to blame Theft, rather than see it as an unfortunate effect of the illness affecting most of the inhabitants.

The rings wrapped in tissue made me laugh, my grandma lost her Teeth and they were found wrapped in tissue in her handbag.

Her handbag went with her everywhere and if someone's property went missing it was normally in her bag. She was attracted to shiny things!

Quintessential. I didn't do anything about it. I was a child.
And I have said at least twice upthread that dementia/alzsheimers is a different matter that can't he handled in the home.
so maybe save your patronising nastiness for something that warrants it.

My MIL is a carer for my GranIL. She has dementia and it is a huge burden on my MIL. MIL has asked us not to put ourselves through that with her, she wants to go into a home.

Same with my Mum, caring for my gran was making her ill, my Gran was up in the night every night. She is now in hospital as even the care home couldn't meet her needs after she kept getting up in the night and breaking her leg. She now has someone sitting in her room all night making sure her and a few other elderly patients don't get out of bed. That level of care is far too much of a burden for a family. My Mum wants to go into a home too, she doesn't want us having to go through what she did.

My DP's are divorced, they live in separate counties having both moved to different parts of the country after they retired. I still live in London. I can't afford a house with a spare room, and in fact DS2 still sleeps in our roomas the 2nd bedroom is too damp to sleep in and we have no money for repairs.

I am an only child as is OH

OH's parents are also divorced and live in different parts of the country .

How are we supposed to look after them? Especially how do we chose which of them to look after at the expense of the others? It's a nightmare and a minefield.

what we need is decent safe care homes with well paid carers and high standards of care. And decent palliative care for those who decide not to go the 'curing' route for various diseases.
But we have poorly paid unmotivated carers. And not just in old people's homes. Remember Winterbourne view? Its on my mind as a friend has just had to put her 12 yo into residential care. He is aggressive, big and strong. Doubly incontinent and a threat to the other kids. Its an impossible situation with no help.

Exactly infamous. I have been a carer, for old people, and in the main the standard of care expected is very low.
Caring is a very undervalued and low paid profession, and is not an easy job. The entire care industry needs to be sorted, and quickly, because we have an ageing population.
Kansas, I think that most people on here with the view that families should try to keep elderly members with them have said "but you cant do this with dementia".
Dementia runs in my family, and I have seen it A LOT in various family members.
Once you get into the sort of care that requires 24/7 vigilance, then of course you need outside agencies.
If you read the original OP, this was not the case with the OPS relative.
There is taking in an elderly relative who is relatively well and has nowhere to go, and caring for a seriously ill person (of any age).
The two are very different.

I have no intention of caring for either of my parents. They let me down far too much as a child and we are not close as a result. I still love them and will do my best to ensure they are looked after but I will not be doing any of it myself.

Or relationship only works because we all tactfully ignore certain subjects such as my childhood/mental illness and their role in it.

That said My mum went through such a lot of stress trying to get my nan into a home and swore she would make it easy for me when the time came as she didnt want me to have to worry like that so I guess it goes both ways.

This is not even taking into account I am the only child , live a 100 miles away and may well have children of my own by they time they need this sort of care - they are 70s now so I expect it within 10 years or so.

It is difficult and no one can really say what they will do one way or another. My 80 yr old dad is in the early stages of dementia and still lives on his own at home. i live far away with a young family but my brother and sister who live nearby to him are having to take on the care (and still relatively low key) own their own. Popping in each day to see him, bring food, do his shopping, help him with all his admin/ hospital affairs and it's all ramping up. It's taking it's toll on them already but none of us will have him to stay as he is a very difficult person and not really any love for him.

I feel bad they are having to deal with him and I have a get out of jail free card living so far away and having young children.

Reading this thread has just made me think that we all just live too long. I don't know what the solution to that is though, we can't make judgements about the value of other peoples life's and we can't withhold medical treatment because people are 'too' old.

Can I just say again that not all of us see caring for a relative as a burden? Some of us see it as our purpose in life, and to have it reduced to the level of a 'burden' to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible is distressing.

Poppy, how does you mum feel that you have decided at the age of 32 to forgo having a partner or children to put her first? I hope you remain happy in your choice.

Of course I will remain happy in my choice. She's my family - the ones already here come before any hypothetical family I might have had, surely? I was 26 when I made the decision, and I have never wavered, why would I? It is the right thing to do. As to how my mum feels, why would I ask her? It wasn't her decision, it was mine.

You can all make the decisions you need to make for yourselves, just please don't think that gives you the right to call my mum a burden.

Am I correct assuming that its the uncles mother and he is in a wheelchair? And is she his carer?

If so then YABU she has enough on her plate already, I'm not saying she sould offer no support, but if she is not her mother I don't see why she should burdened with the task of possibly intimate care for someone who is not her mother.

This thread is scaring me. My dad has just been diagnosed with dementia at only 69. My mum is looking after him - I am 300 miles away and my sister is miles away as well. My brother is unable to help due to his own mental illness. I just don't know what is going to happen. I looked after him for a weekend a couple of weeks ago and it was a full time job, even during the night.