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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i have failed at life? and worse, am failing my DCs

117 replies

MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 08:15

we rent our house. no hope of buying, ever

dh earns shit money, well actually, it isn't shit, its 25k but because of how much everything fucking costs these days, it IS shit

we are skint

am preg with dc3 and 2 of them will have to share a tiny bedroom at one point

we are skint

i honestly wish i had bagged a rich bloke when i was younger and prettier as i have neither the brains or the ambition to ever make anything of my life myself (and i have tried, and failed, so i know)

we are skint

i am very depressed and i feel i am on the verge of some kind of breakdown :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 08:19

also, we live on one of the worst council estates in england, and no way will we be able to afford to move, so as the dc get bigger i dread to think the kind of influences they will be exposed to

please don't ask why i got pg again because i am asking myself that, over and over again, believe me

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/04/2013 08:20

Find joy in the small things - honestly, if that is your outlook on live you will never be content.

I know I am happy/content with 3 dcs on less income than you but then I don't aspire to be rich & I am lucky that I own my own home, I appreciate that. And my dds share a bedroom no probs, and sometimes ds goes in with them too! And that is sweet & loveable & makes me feel happy.

Figgygal · 05/04/2013 08:23

If things are so bad why are you pg again? do you work?

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 08:24

Is it a tough love talking to you want or a there there sympathy post?

No one can do anything about your ambition other than yourself.

If you want something hard enough you will put in the effort to get it.

lecture over<

I don't think you're alone in feeling the way you do. Can you privately rent in a better area? Do you have family that would be able to child mind so you can get out to work? Any skill you can do from home? Any possibility of you working nights when Dh is home?

RedHelenB · 05/04/2013 08:24

How much money would you need to earn to be able to move?

Helltotheno · 05/04/2013 08:28

Of course people are going to ask you why you got pregnant again. You're not a passive player in your own life, wake up! Actions have consequences...

You can effect change in your life but your mindset has to allow that, and i don't think you're in that place op.

northcountrygirl · 05/04/2013 08:29

I'm guessing the children are quite young? Things may not always be the way they are now. As red Helen says try and enjoy the small things and work on creating a more positive outlook. I truly believe that opportunities always come our way but you need to be in the right frame of mind to see them. And then seize them!

Perhaps when your children are older you could think about learning new skills to improve things?

Midlifecrisisarefun · 05/04/2013 08:32

Are you a 'younger' version of me??
I wish I had some advice but I will leave that to more wise mners!
I had three DC, now in their 20s. I'm still broke £20 to last 2 weeks!
I was only whinging saying to DH yesterday that having kids has screwed my job prospects.
When they were small we lived in isolated village, no family support, no transport, no buses, couldn't afford a car so no jobs either.
We were skint
Eventually moved to a town, but ended up looking after elderly GPs until they died.
Still skint
I'm now 46 earning just above NMW, DH is disabled and unable to work. I'm pushing for promotion but looked over every time in favour of employees in their 20s who are less experienced who then leave anyway
We are still skint.
I seriously wish I hadn't had kids young.
The thought of living my life like this for the rest of my life fills me with dread.
OP I'm sorry for the hijack but I really feel for you

innermuddle · 05/04/2013 08:33

I was in a similar position after the birth of my 3rd baby. I went back to study when he was 10months old. 16 years later I have a good job I love, own my own home in a good area & have 2 more beautiful children. Don't wait for life to change, make the change yourself. It will be tough, but you can change things and show your children that anything is possible if you try.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2013 08:33

It's so hard to stay positive when you're skint.

But remember this: you have decades yet to live. Your children have decades yet to live. How can you say already that you've failed? You have lots of time to improve things, there is a lot of time for some good luck to happen.

When your kids are older you can work, your DH may be making more money, maybe you can move. Don't give up on your life, you never know how things will go.

Original poster
MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 08:40

am not sure what i want from posting this tbh,

just wanted to write it down

cant tell anyone in RL other than dh

dh does not understand one little bit, have tried but he doesn't get it

my heart is racing all the time and am constantly tearful

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 05/04/2013 08:42

FWIW I have a lovely house. It's in a lovely area, its huge, its brand new. And I can't live in the bastard thing because fucking DH is ambitious to the point of recklessness and no sooner had the last brick settled, he packed us up to the vilest town in the country! I envy you being pregnant - I'm 'not allowed' anymore because DH has two older DCs and feels he can't do anymore. I have to manage alone as he is always on work trips or long hours so I'd probably have a breakdown with 2 anyway. There is no childcare provision here unless you had your DCs name down from birth or can stomach a Tages mutter with a dirty house that stinks of fags (no thankyou).You have a real family.

What I'm trying to say is houses and wages... They aren't the be all and end all.

IMO you need to find some goals that are a stretch but are acheivable under your circumstances. I've started up a playgroup (after a slow start people are coming!) and I've started a hard fitness programme (Insanity- Shaun T) no mates to go out with and eat and drink things has one advantage! And remember, nothing is forever, this time will change. Think about yourself reminiscing as an old woman about the joy of a house full of little kids.

You can do this! I'll bet the shitey weather isn't helping either. Honestly, I could jump out of the window somedays :) Hope that wasn't a lecture.

EasilyBored · 05/04/2013 08:42

You haven't failed because you aren't finished yet. Can you make a long term plan for yout family. No one can sort out your ambition except you. Being skint is hideous and makes it hard to see the positive in anything. When is number three due?

ArtVandelay · 05/04/2013 08:43

Yy to the racing heart and tears - its so wearing :(

porridgewithblueberries · 05/04/2013 08:46

Do you know what, I am normally really sympathetic to people who post on here obviously upset but your post has really annoyed me. What a depressing post that 'bagging a rich bloke' is about the level of ambition.

can you IMAGINE if a bloke had posted this about his wife? Hmm and yeah, like Holly said, why have three children if you don't have the money or space for them?

Sorry you're suffering OP, it is crap, but to tell you the truth my sympathy is pretty limited.

Feminine · 05/04/2013 08:47

For you op Flowers

At certain times in our lives (I'm 41) we all feel like you. All for various different reasons...

You have now, you have time to change things especially when your children start full time school. You have the power to change things actually.

I am about to change things up in our home soon ~I understand those feelings you talk about.

Things are not set in stone. Try to enjoy this pregnancy, and look forward/plan how you can make things nicer.

Good Luck.

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 08:47

Holly said nothing of the sort!

Anomaly · 05/04/2013 08:47

I think you sound depressed op, have you talked to your doctor or midwife? I really think you should.

Feminine · 05/04/2013 08:48

porridge sometimes it helps to read between the lines...ok?

porridgewithblueberries · 05/04/2013 08:49

Sorry Holly! I really thought you had Blush It was Figgygal who posted immediately above you.

Squarepebbles · 05/04/2013 08:50

Right if it was me I'd put everything into moving.

Can you do a council swop?

Your dp could get a job elsewhere,start looking.What does he do?You can train too although childcare could be an issue.

You need a plan to work towards.

Many with less have made better lives for themselves,you can too.There is no such word as can't.

MN is fab for ideas.Give us some more details.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2013 08:51

Word of advice - don't go on about it too much to your dh or he may view it as you constantly criticising him & thinking him as a failure.

Today, just find the positive in everything - it really does work,. Don't know where you live but here i woke up to birds singing & a lovely sunny day.

dreamingbohemian · 05/04/2013 08:51

This may sound daft but -- can you put yourself in your husband's shoes, and try to figure out why he's not worried, and pick up that approach yourself?

My DH is naturally more optimistic than me and I've actually learned a lot from him, in terms of worrying less.

porridgewithblueberries · 05/04/2013 08:52

Feminine - normally, I do just that but I'm not going to lie, this post has really pissed me off. It's the mentioning of getting a better paid bloke when she was younger - sorry but I don't really see how that's an acceptable thing to say, I think it's horrible. Sorry, but I do.

I can completely sympathise with everything else she's said but I cannot see how that is an OK thing to say about somebody you are committed enough to to have three children with, to marry, and presumably he is the sole earner?

If I was working FT, earning £25,000 with two kids and one on the way and my DP said that about me ... well. Gutted would not even cover it.

Squarepebbles · 05/04/2013 08:54

Porridge we all make mistakes.

Op just needs help in realising she has a part to play in her future,a big part.We can't help how we've been conditioned to make choices but we can move forward.

Op I bet you're younger than me with youth on your side,that is something to hold onto.

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