to think i have failed at life? and worse, am failing my DCs

[MoodyDidIt]

we rent our house. no hope of buying, ever

dh earns shit money, well actually, it isn't shit, its 25k but because of how much everything fucking costs these days, it IS shit

we are skint

am preg with dc3 and 2 of them will have to share a tiny bedroom at one point

we are skint

i honestly wish i had bagged a rich bloke when i was younger and prettier as i have neither the brains or the ambition to ever make anything of my life myself (and i have tried, and failed, so i know)

we are skint

i am very depressed and i feel i am on the verge of some kind of breakdown :(

You say you haven't the brains.. Yet you've expressed yourself eloquently here. I also don't believe you lack ambition as you want to change your circumstances.

I think you're suffering from anxiety. With third dc on the way this is quite normal. You will cope. Your children will not suffer from having a small room. It sounds trite but children need love and security above any material possessions. So long as they are warm, clean, fed and loved you can be assured you're doing well by them.

Your life can change. You're not stupid, you have not failed.

It always annoys me when sanctimonious types come on threads like this to berate the OP over the stupidest things. I very much doubt she actually meant the comment about bagging a rich bloke - I've said much the same thing as a sort of pathetic attempt at humour when I was at my lowest points.
SO WHAT if other people have it worse? When you're in that place, all you can see is misery and logic goes out of the window. "Gratitude" has nothing to do with it

OP, you may feel like a failure. I know how that is. But you have to fight it every day. It's hard, it's stupidly hard. You have to wake up every morning and fight just to get up and start your day, and it's wearing having to keep up the fight every second when you just want to sit down and never get up again.
You can do it. If you won't do it for your own sake, do what I'm doing, and keep going for your babies. Even if it's just being present and loving them, do what you can for them. Because being their mother means you're not a failure - you're a resounding success, regardless of material things.

Be kind to yourself

Sorry I meant to post you are NOT a failure at all. I think your post shows you care very mich about your kids and their future.

Every morning you have a choice, and every morning is a chance for a fresh start.

Scruffaloe Now you listen here, you have done two big blood important things to give you kids a way better upbringing, getting away from ex (that takes a lot) and going to uni. Plenty people re sit who don't have a house and kids to see to. I'm glad you have not given up. Defer the debt, that's the whole point of student loans. Don't see it as failure either, you've got module or unit credits in total that you didn't have before.

I have ds (7). Who has just been playing up, dd (1) isn't took to play groups swimming etc every day either, my housework is of kept on top of, I've learnt the good enough principle, when we step out the door we look clean, tidy and well fed! you doing great scruffaloe just tweak your routines treat it like a job with a timetable if it helps!

YY to going to your GP as a first step

You need to take steps to realise you aren't a passenger in your life: you're the driver. As others have demonstrated, your financial situation isnt dire, you dont just get 25k, you must be entitled to top ups, and tbh there must be many MNers on the same or less

I don't feel the problem is any specific issue (money, housing) - its the fact that you have no ambition or aspiration to shape your life. What work did you do pre children? Even if you can't do that now due to childcare, you can plan for it later. It's worth looking at the childcare help youd get though because if you're on a low income you can get up to a massive proportion of childcare paid. Getting out and developing another aspect to your life could help you feel a lot less isolated and down

If working isn't an option, then try to develop a structure to your day. Things like getting out for a good walk daily, joining a library, things which cost nothing but give you some pleasure in small things really do help. Do you have a local market, or at least supermarket where they sell off cheap veg at the end of the day? Try out a new recipe. Find out if any groups - book, film, anything- meet for free in your area. Or start one up!
We had some rough financial times early on, and we were skinti as hell during my first maternity leave, and I found the best way to stay sane was develop SMALL things, just to give some shape to my day. I had to take my car off the road during ML too as I couldn't afford to run it on lower pay so I know how isolating it can feel

And please don't give any hint to your dh of your feelings that you wish you'd married a well off man. The last thing you need is to alienate him. I accept the comment may have been part of your depressed feelings, but please don't go down that road of thinking, because it will just reinforce your feeling that women can't control their lives and need to rely on a man.

I hope you feel better soon.

OP EVERYBODY feels like a failure at different points in their life. And in this climate EVERYBODY also feels skint. It's, sadly, what joins us all together --- ah the Big Society!

Anyway I really think the thing is that you need a long term plan or goal about yourself to keep driving you forward. The day to day grind of looking after children and doing housework is not always great. You need a reason to motivate you and get yourself up in the morning. I would think really hard about your ambitions, consider taking up a course even if part-time or planning the future eg. planning to move and thinking about what needs to be done to achieve that. If you don't have goals then it's easy to feel down and a failure.

No need to criticize the OP for saying 'she should have married a rich bloke' because that's what women have been doing or aiming for generations to get by. Hell, when I was at University we laughed at those women doing MRS degrees - get it, 'Mrs'... just there to meet a man who might be successful and settle down. Hardly ambitious but very very common.

You are so hard on yourself. Two (nearly 3) children, all the emotions and physical challenges that pregnancy brings; you must be exhausted. This would always have been the hardest time of your life, and worrying about money/the future isn't going to help you through it. Now is the time to just take one day at a time. Find a moment of happiness each day with your children and/or your DH and just focus on that to get you through the day. You are so blessed in many ways; ways that really matter; love health family. Take each happy moment and concentrate it until it becomes a memory.
This time will pass and you will realise that you have moved on emotionally to a place where you can tackle the area where you live or whatever, but for right now you just need to find your happy thought.

When everything gets on top of me I make soup. It sounds barking but nothing makes me feel better that wrapping up all the kids and forcing us all out for a walk. If we make it as far as a park then so much the better and we have the soup from a flask. If we're just going round the block then we have it when we get back. It is such a small insignificant thing but it always gives me a burst of happiness. I think today you need to find something to do the same for you, because realistically today isn't the day to tackle your bigger problems, but a burst of happiness will really help you. x

Op your not a failure at all. You have explained your situation very eloquently so your obviously intelligent and you sound depressed so I don't think your unambicious (if that's a word). I bet my last £1 your still young and pretty.

You sound like you have pre-natal depression. I had it and didn't realise till after dd was born and no matter how many times I tried to explain to dp he just didn't understand. If you want to talk about the feelings of being a failure- I even thought about leaving dd at hosp with dp whole pregnant because I thought they would be better off without me then pm me anytime

Gosh momb- that has put a smile on my face! What a lovely idea to try

I hope you are okay Moody and you come back to the thread.

I also agree that nothing makes me feel better than actually getting outside. Even if all we do is walk to the park or round the block. Fresh air and exercise benefits all of us, even if it takes all if my energy to get us out of the door. Simple things.

Why does eveyone on Mnet think they need an academic qualification to succeed. What is wrong with things like City & Guilds in niche areas that everyone will always purchase: things like curtain making, upholstery, nail art, stained glass windows, motorcycle maintenance, etc. All things that people want and there are few reliable good craftsmen out there.

Art, you can say 'no', you know. No one made your dh the boss of you - if you don't want to live in a shit town, then go back to your beautiful house. Your 'd'h's ambitions are not the most important thing in your life and sometimes he should bend to what you want to do.

I have learnt to my cost that when you put someone else's career ambitions ahead of all other things, they start to expect that as their right and it's very easy to get put at the bottom of their priorities. As his wife, making you happy should be the first thing he wants to do, in life. If you can't rely on him to put you first then you have to start putting yourself first. It doesn't have to be all his way.

I second going to the GP.
How pointless to tell a person feeling like this to "pull herself together".
It is true that this is just one phase of life, and opportunity for moving/increasing income etc will come in the future, but when you feel so down it is really hard to see that.

Most people's situations could be looked at/described in wildly different ways, depending on outlook.
Sometimes I feel like a massive failure too. Own home? No chance. Holidays? Not for the forseable future. I moved off an estate to somewhere posh, because I was sick of drug dealers and burglars, but the rent is a LOT and we have nowt left over.
I can't have any more children, and that part of the equasion is pretty hard to deal with. I am not sure I will ever have a man in my life who loves me.

But, I feel OK right now. I can see that we live somewhere pretty (and actually even in the roughest areas there are always good people to be found-no estate is ALL bad)
My son is doing well at school and has friends. I have friends, and ideas for the future. The sun is shining. We have food in the fridge, and are going to spend the day hanging out with cousins.
Honestly, you can take almost anyone's life and read out the bare facts, and make it sound awful, or amazing, but like others have said, many women are sitting out there in beautiful homes with husbands who control their every movement, other women are out there desperately trying for one baby, let alone 3.
But you know that OP, I'm sure. Depression is an illness, so please get help.

You're right, I posted in haste without thinking and took OP's post at face value. Of course everything is relative to everyone, and I'm very sorry if you're feeling depressed, Moody.

My point though, as harsh as it came across, was that sometimes it does help to stop and look around and appreciate what you do have. I think in this busy, cold, harsh, economically unstable world, we all have to do that or we'd all be in despair.

Things will get better, OP.

I would agree that trying to get some help for your depression is the key to this. It is really hard to move forward when depression is pulling you down.

I am not judging you I do not think you are a failure and reminding yourself of the things that are good will help. I wonder if asking your GP about doing some CBT might help. Its all about changing your thought processes which I think is very hard when you are so down. It seems sometimes impossible to think about dealing with anything when you are anxious and overthinking the huge list of things you feel you need to sort.

Certainly I think it would do no harm to try and if nothing else it will be a chance for an hour a week to air the things that worry you and trying to find practical ways to help. I feel for you I really do but I have been at times feeling like you do and it does pass but really you do need a bit of help getting set in the right direction.

I wish you well I really do

Karma - now there's a can of worms :) Actually I have found somewhere within a 1 hour drive of here that I love. I have said 'we are moving there within the year'. DH has agreed but I'm keeping my powder dry for making it happen. That would be the make or break for me and I think he knows that. Thanks for commenting :)

Everyone fails in life, OP. Even those in big houses now can lose it all. Even those with lovely healthy DCs are still fortune's fools.

If you had married a rich bloke he could have ditched you for someone younger and prettier, or been sacked, or been convicted of insider trading (this happened to my rich ex-fiance) or his business could fold. Nothing is certain.

What do YOU want to DO? How about some training - be a plumber, be an accountant? Do an OU degree? Get an allotment? Learn a musical instrument? Something that makes your heart beat faster?

You haven't failed because you aren't finished yet. - EasilyBored

100% this. It's never over. Things can always get better. I'm speaking as one who used to be homeless. I now have a mortgage and a car and all kinds of lovely things. Crazy but true.

The latest thinking on treating depression is that an element of taking responsibility for one's own attitude (glass half full/half empty) and counting one's blessings is beneficial to sufferers of depression. I am pleased that your dh is happy and earning a reasonable salary. As someone else said up thread, can you take comfort from that and try and understand what makes his attitude so different to yours. When baby is 6 months or so, could you look at a child-friendly occupation to help you earn some money ... such as childminding perhaps?

Obviously, you need to go to the gp about the heart facing and anxiety. It could be ante natal depression.

Yes let's kick op down while she is there it is so easy

We have nearly all felt like this at some point. If you can move in some way will that make life easier/better for you?

It seems a long way off now but when your children are all at school get back into education this is what can change your life. Is there something that you have always wanted to do? Do you have any interests or an area that you have always found interesting? There are many online course, use your library, lots of courses to help those that have been out of education for a while even something that might not change your circumstances it gives you something fulfilling

heart racing and tearful could be anxiety that is made far worse by lack of sleep get to your doctor you should not be feeling like that, I had this in the end collapsed I was always out of breath I feel it was like a body breakdown anyway a few pills helped and I had other underlying health problems

OP

I would also make sure you are not anaemic

Hi Moody, as others have said, please do talk to your GP. This feeling could well be depression, and it is treatable. Some of your feelings might well have a hormonal component which means it can go away quite suddenly and you'll feel better.

As IfNot says, I could describe my life to you know in a way that makes it seem like a glorious success or pretty disastrous, and I wobble between both perspectives.

In sheer biological terms, passing on your genes to dcs makes you a success - ultimately, we're grateful to our ancestors that they made it possible for us to exist, and anything else is jam.

Be kind to yourself, find small ways to treat yourself and your dh and the dcs. This too shall pass.

My mother didn't find out who she was and what she wanted to do till she was 50. She'd been a SAHM of 3dcs. For years she'd been interested in alternative healing/complementary therapy, and then suddenly she found that she could make a career out of it.

It's not all over. Your life has some glorious surprises ahead. You just have to hold on.

Nickname

What a great post.

Ta, Jamie [blushes]. All things I tell myself in the darker watches of the night.

You haven't failed at life. My husband is a low earner and my boys share a room. I think I've won the jackpot, my husband adores me and my boys are gorgeous and lucky enough to love sharing a room. I cut down in buying a mulberry every season so I could afford Zermatt this year.