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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think i have failed at life? and worse, am failing my DCs

117 replies

MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 08:15

we rent our house. no hope of buying, ever

dh earns shit money, well actually, it isn't shit, its 25k but because of how much everything fucking costs these days, it IS shit

we are skint

am preg with dc3 and 2 of them will have to share a tiny bedroom at one point

we are skint

i honestly wish i had bagged a rich bloke when i was younger and prettier as i have neither the brains or the ambition to ever make anything of my life myself (and i have tried, and failed, so i know)

we are skint

i am very depressed and i feel i am on the verge of some kind of breakdown :(

OP posts:
hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 05/04/2013 08:56

All of those things do not mean you have failed.

I live in social housing, because I live in social housing my mother will not visit me. She visits my sister who lives in an EX-council house and she, herself, lives in an ex-council house but my house is not good enough for her.

When the kids were small DH tried to get us out of our 'shit' lives by starting his own business which failed causing even more 'shitness' for many a few years.

We were so skint we spent months and months without a cooker when we moved into a private rent. Our own (mortgaged) home had had built appliances but when DH's business failed we lost the house and all the appliances.

I sat, many times, wishing I was dead and planning a way of doing it without hurting the kids.

But...

My children are now happy, healthy adults. One is at uni (who would've thought it, no-one in mine or DH's family have been to uni) studying hard and is planning a career working with children who have autism. The other is helping a friend build a business in falconry from scratch and making quite a name for himself as a display falconer despite having Aspergers himself.

Did we fail them because we were skint and living in less than desirable circumstances? Did we heck as like although it felt like it at the time. My kids are the mark of my success in life, not the amount of money we don't have or the house we live in.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 05/04/2013 08:57

OP

Crying constantly and gloomy thoughts are asign of depression. Please, go to the GP

Please, everyone, be gentle with the OP, she feels desperate and may not be robust enough to hear logical "home truths"

ArtVandelay · 05/04/2013 08:57

Porridge, I agree. It's pretty disgraceful and a slur on her husband, women and 'rich' blokes! However, I think its symptomatic of how powerless and despairing the OP is feeling.

I say stupid things sometimes, I expect most people do. OP what changes do you think would make the most difference right now? Is there even something you could do today?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/04/2013 08:59

Pull yourself together and look at the positives....of and take responsibility for your OWN earning potential.

Plenty of women get successful after having babies and at a more mature age.

Catherine Cookson didn't publish a book till she was over 40....other women begin businesses and make a million.

Your life isn't over....see the GP about how down you are too.

porridgewithblueberries · 05/04/2013 09:00

I would definitely agree with going to your GP, if you can.

Also, and depending on your husband's shifts, is there anything you can do in terms of bringing in a bit more money into the household? Childminding could be one option. My next door neighbour worked in a pub in the evenings when her husband was home from work and could be with their DDs then.

I don't think, for what it's worth, you have failed your children for a moment.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 05/04/2013 09:00

Oh and re. the rich blokes....have a stroll through MN one time and see the myriad miserable women in loveless marriages..who are financially comfortable but married to arseholes.

Yes some are rich and happy...but others are poor and happy...money is not what does it.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 05/04/2013 09:01

K agree with porridge- might have had some sympathy if you hadn't mentioned bagging a rich bloke. Get some ambition, or have you always expected to be a kept woman? I feel sorry for your dh. Plus I do think you probably need to see a doctor about depression. That could be your first positive step. Man up!

KidderminsterKate · 05/04/2013 09:02

You need to plan and get your DH on board. Also try to get some motivation and ambition - be tenacious. If you're not happy with your lot then only you can change it. Can you rent somewhere else outside of the area??? Have you looked into that? How much more income would you need to do this?

Also tbh you have a good income. 25k is not shit. The take home will be £1650 then when #3 comes along you'll be getting £47.10 CB and £110 CTC a week .....that's at least £2300 a month - and you may be entitled to HB too. That is plenty to have a good quality if life.....unless you've saddled yourself with debts.

My boys share a box room - it's not the end of the world.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 05/04/2013 09:02

the OP sounds very depressed and is probably not thinking straight. Depression means everything seems more and more grim, which becomes a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and depression.

I didn't take her seriously in regards to wishing she'd married a rich guy. I took that to be a sort of flippantly cynical way of saying that she hasn't done anything with her life.

OP, I have been in your situation. Husband on about the same money, three kids and wondering what the fuck I'd done to myself. I even lived in an utter shithole sink estate in Scotland. Then, we managed to escape it (had to as the neighbours turned violent) and moved to a very remote, isolated village in the Highlands. It was safer, but much harder to try and make any money.

We managed to move, again, this time to a good-sized town in England near the inlaws. I am able to work. I am much, much happier now that I'm doing my own cleaning business. It doesn't pay a lot of money but I feel in control of my life, again.

Just hold on. This won't last forever. At some point, you will be able to go to work. I would urge you to go to work as soon as it is feasible to do so even if your wages only pay for childcare. It will get you out of the house, building skills, and being more independent. Then, when the kids are older and childcare costs are lower, you will be able to really get somewhere.

The above was just me talking about what worked for me. Sorry.

What I do think you need to do right now is talk to your GP as you sound very depressed. I think you would benefit from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is a way of changing your thoughts so that your mood changes, as well. You can break that vicious cycle of negative thinking and life will be better. You may still be skint, but you will feel better. :)

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 09:03

Really if you look at the bigger picture, with maternity allowance (£136 per week @ 39 weeks is £5282.55) CB is another £2449.20pa, plus tax credits of around £3,000pa so that's all together that's £35,731pa without including HB, variable depending on your council. It's not quite so grim is it?

porridgewithblueberries · 05/04/2013 09:04

£2300 per month? Crikey, that's more than I get and I earn £40,000 a year Sad I'll have to pay for childcare costs on top of that and all I'll be entitled to is CB.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 05/04/2013 09:05

I'm sorry, you sound really down.

Are you and the kids getting out of the house? Is there a children's centre near you (they do free/cheap activities) or a park they could run around in? (If the sun ever comes out Hmm)

KidderminsterKate · 05/04/2013 09:07

CTC are very generous imo....and I say that as someone who has claimed them

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 05/04/2013 09:07

HollyBerry, I don't think she's working so won't be getting Maternity Allowance. (sorry if I'm wrong OP, just guessing as you don't mention your pay)

BlackholesAndRevelations · 05/04/2013 09:08

Do you get maternity allowance if you don't work?

HollyBerryBush · 05/04/2013 09:10

Sorry - I just shoved it through the benefits calculator, and I put in the OP was unemployed? glitch I guess?

Scruffalo · 05/04/2013 09:11

I also feel I have failed at life and no matter how hard I try to improve it, it makes no difference. I left my abusive ex, so I am now a single parent and struggle to meeet my DC's needs by myself. I moved out of our council flat o a dreadful estate, into private rented to give them a better future but changes in HB mean I now may not be able to afford the rent. I dread the thought of being made homeless, which is highly likely.

I went back to college, then university when the DC were small, to try to improve my future career prospects, but I failed my second year and I'm now about to do so again. Even if they allow me another retake, I can't afford it sdo I now have 3 years worth of student debt with no qualifications to show for it.

Trying to focus on study has meant I have neglected my home life. The house is a mess and badly in need of decorating. I have neglected my children in their early years which has lead to behaviour problems and DD is struggling at school, but I can't help her keep up as well as staying on target with my own work and keeping on top of the housework. Its a total mess and my fault for failing at life.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 05/04/2013 09:11

Crossed posts with Boulevard. OP I hope you're still reading. I had PND after my second and felt so much better instantly just by admitting it to friends and then seeing a doctor. Sorry for the tough love but PLEASE don't waste your life and the time your dc are small by being depressed. Try and break the cycle.

ckwkatie · 05/04/2013 09:12

I agree Porridge! Also, I know lots of people in even worse circumstances who are way more positive about it. Try being cheated on, left by your husband in a foreign country, no family, unemployed, and with a 3 year old, for instance!

Atleast your husband is there, is trying, and the only thing you can say about him is you wish you'd met someone with more money. Learn some gratitude.

Feminine · 05/04/2013 09:14

scruffalo you haven't failed either. :)

You are still here. Is there anyone who can help you with your situation?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

Feminine · 05/04/2013 09:16

Its obvious those on this thread who have experienced depression/ have an idea of it.

its never about the most obvious in posts like op has written.

insight please...

undercoverSAHM · 05/04/2013 09:22

Gosh, OP, have you thought you may have prenatal depression? It is very under diagnosed. Once you have ruled that out then:

Of course you haven't failed - you have hardly begun! You will be busy for a few years with the little ones but then your horizons will open up again. In the meantime, being a caregiver and nurturer to small children is such an important role. Try to enjoy aspects of it that you can - that first smile, the hug at night, the reading in bed. It must be hard having little money but 25k doesn't sound (I hope) quite like poverty and I agree with others that people can have pots of money and be miserable. Do you have any close friends nearby? If not, then try to nurture friendships with other young women. You can do a lot to provide a good environment for your DC even on a rubbish council estate...the estate doesn't come inside your front door. You can have books and music and emotional warmth in your own home. I wish you all the best. Hugs.

Feelingood · 05/04/2013 09:29

OP, you do sound a little depressed. Please go and see your GP and Midwife. You have nothing to lose, you may be struggling with antenatal depression, which is often nonpt picked up as feeling tired then low when pregnant are normal right. Personally from what you describe I think it's a bit more. I have had PND and a couple of mild bouts since and the odd burst of anxiety so I can relate to how you feel.

Try to get out of the house every day, even if just to shop or park - weather picking up!
Just do basic, feed, clothes bath and bed. Choose easy options.

Some perspective.

I also think it easy to feel likel this when pregnant, you tend to focus on the whole parent thing and it can be quite a reflective time/take stock etc. BUT when you are pregnant with young children your options are still there just harder to access or arguably limited. So it can lead to frustration as you want to make changes but can't, make plans instead.

I remember reading on MN if your kids are still alive at the end of the day and in bed then you've done your job as a parent. I have also read about the 'good enough' principle, setting your own achievable standards.

For now:
Ok so they will have to share a room most people on there third or more child have this - can you alter the room to make it into big boy/girl den? I know you don't have any spare money but is there something you could sell to buy new curtains or funky storage - make the best of what you've got might make you feel better.

Re your housing - in the short term the influences you speak of are able to be kept at bay so to speak, this gives you time to plan a move, as someone up hard said, I would throw everything into this. BUT FWIW you are and will be a major influence in your child's life.

Have you considered studying part time, I do this with OU and it keeps me sane whilst retraining ready for when my 1 yr old goes to school. There are many levels to get in at, have a look, with a longer term view for your own job prospects.

I think the fact you are thinking these things through and posting for views show what a thoughtful and responsible parent you are.

quietlysuggests · 05/04/2013 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 05/04/2013 09:33

I think you need to see your gp tbh.

Would it make you feel better to have a list of goals. Things to improve your life.

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