to think i have failed at life? and worse, am failing my DCs

[MoodyDidIt]

we rent our house. no hope of buying, ever

dh earns shit money, well actually, it isn't shit, its 25k but because of how much everything fucking costs these days, it IS shit

we are skint

am preg with dc3 and 2 of them will have to share a tiny bedroom at one point

we are skint

i honestly wish i had bagged a rich bloke when i was younger and prettier as i have neither the brains or the ambition to ever make anything of my life myself (and i have tried, and failed, so i know)

we are skint

i am very depressed and i feel i am on the verge of some kind of breakdown :(

I think part of the reason home ownership is the be-all and end-all here is that renting is so damned expensive - because it isn't regulated at all.
DH and I were born in the 60s (early and late respectively) and we bought our house in 1998 before everything went completely insane - our DDs are 12 and 10 and they will probably never own their own home, not unless the housing market collapses completely and I wouldn't wish that on all those people with crippling mortgages...

Same, pointythings, down to the ages of the DCs

I understand that renting on the continent e.g. France, it is very different - private renters have strong legal rights and leases often last for years! Compare with UK where there are 6 months tenancies and big estate agent fees.

I went to an estate yesterday to see a piss-poor average flat. He wanted £200 as a holding deposit, and a further £170 to take up 2 references (non-refundable). This is common practice now (except in Scotland where these extra fees have been banned.) That is on top of hefty deposit plus advance rent. As I am a housing benefit tenant, the Estate Agent could only persuade the Landlord as myself as a prospect on the basis that I paid 6 months rent in advance. I have 6 months' security, then possibly myself and son out on the street. So, go figure as they say ...

Anyway back to OP and your circumstances. What can I say? I feel your pain ...

Nonsense, you just need to be inspired and that's hard when you're I the midst of the maternal preoccupation that is inevitable during pregnancy and for a while postnatally. Just get through the pregnancy and newborn stage, give yourself a break and remember this is for right now, not forever. Then you can cast around to find something that will light a fire under you, social media and distance learning have changed the game.

I am not spectacularly driven and I am a million miles from my childhood ambitions but I never imagined four years ago I'd have two DCs, live where I live, do what I do, life changes fast and you never know what's around the corner.

MoodyDidIt are you getting all you should in terms of Family Tax Credit and so forth? Because it pumps up your income no end if you've got small kids. I always admire people who fiddle benefits: I have a hard enough time getting what I'm allowed. They owe me thousands. Seriously.

As for complaining, I live in a pretty house in a lovely area. But one of DSs will probably die prematurely due to terribly unstable diabetes, and the other a brilliant, super bright boy has had his education completely screwed up by a combination of dyslexia and big time depression. All 3 of us have or have had, mental health issues. Oh, and my general health is poor, I suffer constant pain and my DH, the love of my life and a wonderful dad, died of cancer at 50.

I manage by reminding myself that the 3 of us love each other so deeply, that my boys are lovely, that I have great friends and rellies, that my DH was an amazing bloke and some people never find that sort of happiness, and that we're seriously lucky not to have born in the Sudan or any of those places where you get woken up by the secret police.

I'm a long-time sober alcoholic, and here's a useful trick I learnt from AA: you cannot feel self-pity and gratitude at the same time. So focus on your gratitude. Makes you feel SO much better.

agree pointythings re home ownership being desirable due to how shitty renting is. ( ohlori gives a perfet example of what c**ts most landlords / letting agents are :( ) even though, as i said, at the moment (well as from the weekend) we are renting from the council. ie, we have a council house. but i am terrified with the way things are going, social housing will be slowly dismantled. and we'll never have a home for life, and we'll live a life of uncertaintly. and even social rents will be pushed up until they reach the extortionate levels of private rents :( it makes me feel out of control

someone mentioned upthread re my parents rental property, and asked why they haven't rented it to us. i think they would have if we had asked, but i got the chance of a housing association home a few years ago and chose that because even renting from a family member is less secure than social housing, after all one day my parents will need to sell up to fund their own retirement.

and thats another thing. i am only 33 but worry endlessly about when i am old. if we can't ever buy a house then who is going to pay our rent when we are surviving on tiny pensions? cos neither of us can afford a private pension either? well dh has a tiny one he has been forced to take out with his work but won't be worth much. or will we have to work till we die? what kind of life is that?

as i said i don't want some kind of "investment", i don't want to make money. i just want a permanent home, for me and my family. that will one day be ours. and that is why it depresses me beyond belief that buying is out of our reach.

and disorganised thank you for sharing that with me, your post was lovely and it brought tears to my eyes. i am so sorry to hear about your lovely dh :( but you and your dcs sound such a strong, brave, lovely family. and as for claiming top up benefits, we get a bit of tax credits and CB so afaik we are claiming everything we are able to.

anyway, another long ramble from me. lol. thanks again to everyone who has read and posted x

And just wanted to add MoodyDidIt that I thought your original post was very brave and honest, which is actually quite rare. And I also know that "out of control" feeling that you describe, which anyone with perilous finances or housing get. You may be depressed, but I also think you are being a realist when most people sugar-coat it. On the positive side, perhaps difficulties and problems can also make us more compassionate and fuller human-beings. Good luck.

x

three kids are a blessing
a home is a blessing
a partner with work is a blessing

I am sorry you feel shit buit your main issue seems to be low self esteem , depression, and a view that nothing ever will change!!

one day all 3 will be at school and you can focus on work again

chin up

Attention: this is not meant to be competitive misery, just an introduction.

Sometimes, I want to burst into tears, and I feel I can do nothing with my life, and I look at all the opportunities I didn't take when I was younger, because I thought I was too rubbish to even apply, and I feel like it's all too late. I think, "if I'd started this when I was 20, I could be ". And now it's a recession, and I'm older, which counts against me.. A few years ago, a miracle happened. I suddenly actually realised that if I didn't start trying to do something that very year, I would be hating myself about it in eight years' time, and it would seem clear to me that I could have done something. In a sudden epiphany, I realised that the age I then was, which seemed so elderly and "past making anything of my life", would seem positively adolescent in a few years' time. And I'd hate myself even more.

So, I signed up for something I'd always wanted to do in the evenings. (Languages.) I'm not making any money out of it yet, but it's made me a lot happier, and I don't hate myself for not doing anything. And I hope that one day I will make money out of it. And if I don't, I will make sure my children are fluent, and improve their lifetime opportunities. I just hate myself for making a bad choice, and constantly tell myself I'd have a job by now if I'd done an accounting course instead.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional

BLESS YOU, really I mean that, your post made me weep a little bit

and OP, my post was a bit wanky and patronising, sorry

read what Disorganised said, better!!! x

Sorry OP.

I think all anyone can really do is make the best of what we've got.

Which for the vast majority of us, will never be enough, unfortunately.

We are having a few major hassles at the moment - structural issues with house which are going to cost £10's of thousands to sort - I can see our life savings disappearing before my very eyes. I had got myself into an anxious panicky mess, on the verge of going to the docs for some help, but some of the amazing women who have responded to this thread have me counting my (very numerous) blessings. I plan to try and focus on the gratitude.

Moody, I am in a similiar situation. Renting a shitehole with ni chance of ever affording to buy something decent. Disgusting, scummy neighbors who shout and swear at all hours. Litter strewn pathway to our tiny cramped house. It really gets me down at times. BUT try to remember that the things you take for granted, someone else is praying for. Be thankful for your wonderful children, and the one that is on the way, who will not see your home as you see it. The pre school years are tough, but there will be opportunity for you to earn again once the kids are older...

I know it is so tough when life doesn't turn out as you expected it to but try to find joy in the little things for now - hearing your unborn babys heartbeat, a joke shared with your dh, a nice meal you've cooked. You won't always struggle. Keep talking.xxx

Hi Moody

I had my third baby in November and as much as she was planned and wanted I spend the last two months of my pregnancy feeling absolutely distraught. I was crying all the time and felt very, very depressed, all I could think about what had I done, worries about money the future etc, etc. It was Hell. Fast forward 5 months and I feel completely blessed to have 3 healthy and wonderful children, it is an honour. You will feel like that too...eventually.

Like others have said try and focus on what you do have and not what you don´t. I know how hard that is to do as I am a terribly negative person myself and have suffered on and off with depression and low self-esteem for years. Never feel I am good enough and have messed up so many chances in my life. However, I am trying my damnest to change and to be grateful for all the good there is in my life.

Like others have already said, owning your own house is not the be all and end all. It is a very English thing I think. In many other countries most people rent and nobody bothers whatsoever. There isn´t the same pressure to live in a particular area either. I live in Spain now and not in the best of areas and I have to stop myself from feeling embarassed when inviting people over. I realise that is my own English hang up and would like to think that others can see beyond where you live and concentrate on the sort of person you are instead.

And yes you have plenty of time to make the life you want for yourself, whatever that may be. It doesn´t seem like that now because you are so down, but once the fog has lifted you will feel differently. Chin Up

Op - never give up.

Have you thought about what you can do in a few years to help your financial situation? It's good to have a plan. Perhaps some part time work in the future to pay for some extras?

You have my total sympathy, life can very hard sometimes but you have to keeping trying to make things better yourself - you can't rely on your partner or anyone else

If you're tearful all the time and have been feeling like this for a while, it's probably worth seeing your GP. Tearfulness, feelings of worthlessness and negativity about the future could all indicate depression. Many people have very little money yet don't feel as unhappy as you currently do, so I'd say it's worth getting this checked out. Let us know how you get on.