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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think i have failed at life? and worse, am failing my DCs

117 replies

MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 08:15

we rent our house. no hope of buying, ever

dh earns shit money, well actually, it isn't shit, its 25k but because of how much everything fucking costs these days, it IS shit

we are skint

am preg with dc3 and 2 of them will have to share a tiny bedroom at one point

we are skint

i honestly wish i had bagged a rich bloke when i was younger and prettier as i have neither the brains or the ambition to ever make anything of my life myself (and i have tried, and failed, so i know)

we are skint

i am very depressed and i feel i am on the verge of some kind of breakdown :(

OP posts:

znaika · 05/04/2013 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

somewherewest · 05/04/2013 13:12

I hope this doesn't sound trite, but here goes...

I was mostly raised by my grandparents. They lived in social housing, spent their whole lives in very low income jobs and sometimes on benefits. It wasn't their fault. Just one of those things (my grandfather in particular is very intelligent but never made it beyond primary school because his family were poor). When I think of them now, and when I think of what I'm going to tell my own DCs about them in the future, it isn't that they never bought a house or worked as cleaners or whatever. It is who they actually are if that makes sense - that they were kind, or loving, or did their best for me, or what they liked, or who their parents or brothers and sisters were. This may sound trite, but I honestly don't think money or status or property makes anyone a success or failure. 'Success' is love, compassion, generosity, being a good spouse or a good friend or a good parent. I'm not in any way dismissing the difficulties of not having enough money or a big enough house, but those things don't make anyone a failure.

somewherewest · 05/04/2013 13:21

Just wanted to add (and I don't know if you would feel comfortable with this) that if the thought of affording X, Y or X for the new baby is weighing you down, there are people here who will help if they can. I have lots of good condition & quality baby stuff around that I would be happy to pass on (am in Hertfordshire but could post lighter stuff).

Fairylea · 05/04/2013 13:43

I feel for you but I think you have clinical depression which is making everything worse.

My dh earns 16k, I am a sahm and we have dc aged 10 and 10 months. I am planning to return to work when ds begins school on a part time basis, probably will be on minimum wage.

Our bills etc amount to £1000 a month, leaving us about 60 a week for food and a further 20 for petrol and bits and bobs. We have 1000 in savings and no hope of really doing much in the holidays or whatever else! ... AND ... our roof has just completely gone so we are borrowing 5000 extra on top of our mortgage to sort it out. We have to.

but.... we are happy. Sure we have crap days but generally speaking we enjoy life.I buy everything from eBay and enjoy seeking out a bargain! I struggle with food budgeting sometimes but I try and cook alot from scratch and I'm learning how to economise with cheaper ingredients.

We made a conscious decision for me to stay at home with ds as the nurseries in our area (rural) are truly awful, in fact I complained about one we visited to ofsted. So we feel we are making the right decision for us, even if it's tight.

I would tackle one area - can you move? For example, a 25k wage in Norfolk is quite high really! If your dh could get a similar job this way your quality of life would be very different. I do a lot of walking with ds in the countryside. It doesn't cost anything.
I used to earn 35k in London working in marketing and I was extremely unhappy so I gave up my job and we moved.

I think you need to reassess your life goals and see what you can change.

moogy1a · 05/04/2013 13:51

artvadelay "There is no childcare provision here unless you had your DCs name down from birth or can stomach a Tages mutter with a dirty house that stinks of fags (no thankyou).You have a real family."
Congratulations in managing to shoehorn in a disparaging comment about childminders when the thread has nothing to do with them.
I await your next pearls of wisdom.

K8Middleton · 05/04/2013 14:00

You sound depressed. I had prenatal depression it was hellish. Go and see your GP if you think you might have it. I wish I'd done something about mine instead of mentally imploding.

On the practical side of things, honestly, you don't need much. Sharing bedrooms is fine. My two dc will share a bedroom for a few years and dh earns good money - it just doesn't go far enough where we live.

You don't need loads of money, just enough but when you are depressed nothing makes you happy.

ArtVandelay · 05/04/2013 14:19

Moogy - whoa there...standards for childminders in the UK are very high which is why I was so appalled at what the local authority here deemed professional and acceptable. I added this comment in because I felt the need to explain why normal childcare was not available in my area. If you are a childminder I think you would have probably been even more horrified than I was at the two places I was offered and then even more shocked when the council says 'yeah, what can we do - the district has no money so we will take more or less anyone regardless of qualifications or environment'. Its not right is it?

So - I hope you are feeling better now I have explained that I have a great deal of faith in UK childminders, and indeed any childminder that does a good job. You are very touchy about this - has someone been criticising you lately?

moogy1a · 05/04/2013 14:26

Sorry Art, obviously got the wrong end of the stick.

ArtVandelay · 05/04/2013 14:32

No probs Moogy - I probably sound a bit bitter because I can't get help for love nor money and it makes me a bit frustrated sometimes.

Original poster

MoodyDidIt · 05/04/2013 16:28

Hi everyone

sorry have only just replied, have been at work (i do work, as i think someone asked that upthread. only a few hours a week though)

thank you all for the lovely posts. i don't know what to say, i am touched with gratitude and amazed at your kindness

firstly, i know what i said about wishing i had married a rich bloke was a vile thing to say. and i would not swap DH for anyone. it was very silly of me and i am truly sorry if it has offended anyone. and fwiw i would never say anything like it to dh

a while ago a real twat somebody said to me that i was basically a failure for not owning my own house. this has been eating away at me and it really hit a nerve because i have always wanted to buy a house but it has not been possible. i am eaten up with envy at anyone who does own. its nothing to do with making money or anything, i just want a real home to call my own. i hate the uncertainty of renting, we are in HA at the moment and in the process of swapping to council. but the way things are going i am worried that even this won't be the secure housing option it used to be in the past. FFS i am even jealous of my own mum and dad for having the fortune to be born in the (early) 60's and being able to buy a house for peanuts in the 80's, they are now happy and settled with no mortgage and no money worries. in fact they have 2 homes, one they live in and one they rent out long term to their friends. and i feel awful feeling envy towards my lovely, harmless parents :( ...but then at the same time they are quite snooty about the fact we live on a council estate and often make little comments about it

i am frightened of the world i have brought children into. i was a 90's child and we had hope and chances back then. hope of getting an education, hope of getting a good job, hope of having your own home. things were cheaper, the world was a nicer place. i don't believe there is any hope now, and if its this bad now whats it gonna be like in 10 - 20 years when dcs are leaving home etc? and us helping them just won't be an option.

i know i am depressed. probably should have mentioned it in my OP. i have been on AD's on and off for 8 years now. i have tried CBT / counselling and it has not helped. not saying i would write it off though, i guess it takes a while and maybe i didnt give it enough of a chance

i am sorry if i have not addressed any other questions or points people have made. will try and come back later xx

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteagain · 05/04/2013 16:55

I feel furious on your behalf. DH and I were born 60/early 60's. Our DC are only 18 and 15. When they need it we will be helping our children not our friends with property and security.

You are not a failure and your children are not coming into a bad world. The cycle is at rock bottom and will start moving up again soon, just as yours will. If anything your dc are coming into a more realistic world.

Loa · 05/04/2013 17:07

a while ago a real twat somebody said to me that i was basically a failure for not owning my own house.

There are lots of people like that in the area we live - and the times I've been very vulnerable they?ve always been them stamping on any ambition or hope I've had. It?s an attitude pervasive in the area? DH grew up somewhere similar.

Things I did have going for me were dismissed or derided.

Didn?t cause the issues just didn?t help my mental state and I didn?t realise how much it affected me and dragged me down.

Avoiding certain people, being in a happier place, making our plans and sticking to them, and some mental techniques on an assertive training course all helped.

Obviously your depression is the main issue but people like this don't help and are ususally hiding their own issues.

Wannabestepfordwife · 05/04/2013 17:17

Op if your a 90s child then I'm guessing we are a similar age- not many people of our generation will be homeowners so you are definately not a failure.

A lot of people our sort of age are in low paid unfulfilling jobs with massive rent to pay, single and not finding decent relationships with no hope of a family in the foreseeable future.

You have a good dp who tries to support you and your own family you are lot more successful than a lot of people

Fairylea · 05/04/2013 18:05

Owning a house is very, very overrated.

For example, although we own our home it needs more work doing to it than we can afford to do. As I mentioned earlier in the thread our roof has completely disintegrated over time so now we cannot put the upstairs lights on at all as there was water dripping down the lights (!!) And as it comes under wear and tear we are completely unable to claim on the insurance. We have therefore had to remortgage to borrow an additional 5000k to fix it. Money we don't really have but in order to keep the house safe we have no choice. If you rent it would be down to the landlord to fix it or you have the option to move. We do not have the option to move without paying to fix the roof first as no one would buy it in this state.

We also now have the situation in this country where if you have paid off your mortgage and need social care as an old person they can force you to use the money from your property to pay for your care. This is perhaps a reasonable point, perhaps not as maybe it should already have been considered paid for in taxes like the NHS. I'm not sure what I think really. However, if you have no home then you are entitled to free care....!

But of course there are downsides to renting too.... it's swings and roundabouts isn't it.

But honestly don't feel a failure for not owning your own home. It really isn't the be all and end all.

PancakeFace · 05/04/2013 18:24

I could have written your OP and feel exactly the same

janey68 · 05/04/2013 18:42

I agree with Fairylea. To an extent the grass always seems greener. Owning your own house may seem like the jackpot, but imagine the situation if you need a really big expense, like roof or windows. Or interest rates going up (which they will do at some point) Or horrendous neighbours move next door and you suddenly see your longed for property as a millstone...

FWIW I think the situation with housing WILL change quite radically. Our children are teen/ pre teen and I can't see how they're ever going to buy property, certainly not for many years. So I think it will become more normal to have young families renting property. We may even see changes in legislation, you never know, so that tenancies have more security. The ideal would be the situation in many European countries where renting is common and people often remain in the same house for many years

You certainly shouldnt judge your worth by whether you own a house! I agree that our children are facing a tough time economically (as are adults too) but this is the way it goes, in cycles . I don't think the world is inherently 'badder' in fact as a child of the 60s and 70s I think in many respects it is vastly improved.

sukysue · 05/04/2013 18:58

Bagging a rich bloke when you were younger & prettier is not really the way you should be thinking says a lot re your self esteem and smacks of selling yourself to the highest bidder! Instead think like this....I am so lucky to have 2 children, healthy and another baby on the way. If you had even a smidgen of being unable to conceive you would not be feeling like this. You would be the happiest woman you knew ! Cheer up and concentrate on what you have got not what you haven't good luck with the new baby when you have him or her.

somewherewest · 05/04/2013 20:46

I think judging people by what they own makes someone a failure, if that's any consolation...

fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2013 20:54

Very few people actually own their houses outright. Most of us are mortgaged to the hilt. I 'own' a house but it is smaller than I actually need and 2 of my dc share a bedroom. Owning doesn't necessarily mean you get to buy exactly what you want.

My house needs a lot of expensive work doing to it and I often envy my parents for having a nice HA house - they have just had all new windows and doors put in. I need this, but it would cost me money I just don't have. It's true about the grass always being greener.

Serenitysutton · 05/04/2013 21:17

Hell hath no fury- I've just read your post. What a string wise woman you must be. Huge respect for fighting through everything you have and coming out the other end. What a life experience you've had. Your DCs can't buy that kind of wisdom!

PancakeFace · 05/04/2013 21:51

I find a really helpful thing to do when I feel like this is to count my blessings, literally write down a list of all the good things in your life and your achievements. It's hard having young DC, being pregnant and not having much money but money isn't everything, I know a lot of rich miserable people and poorer families who are really happy (although all would like more cash!).

I would advise trying to move, we lived in a really horrible area and it brings you down, you rent privately with HB so there is no reason you shouldn't be able to live in another area.

Hope you're ok

Original poster

MoodyDidIt · 10/04/2013 16:37

hi all. just wanted to come back and update

have been for my booking in appt today and spoke briefly to the mw about how i was feeling. and she is going to refer me to someone. not sure who! but its a start, right

am still feeling pretty low and awful, but i am hanging on in there

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/04/2013 16:39

Thanks for coming back to us Moody. Great that you have taken some action. Keep posting if you need to

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 10/04/2013 18:37

Serenitysutton-thank you.

My children were born in the 90s, I doubt very much whether DS, in particular, will ever own his own home. DD is more likely to because she is going into a more professional role than DS is in but home ownership (or not) will not be the mark of the people they are. I think the whole country is obsessed with home ownership and not in a good way. I am very definitely money poor but I am rich in so many other ways. One day hopefully, this will all be a dim and distant memory for you and your life will be in a happier place.

superstarheartbreaker · 10/04/2013 18:47

Home ownership is a British obsession. I've been informed that on the continent renting is the norm.

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