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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has gambled the last quarter of my last paycheck

62 replies

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:17

I do have the right to be upset about this, yes?

Have gone through our recent bank records and found 25% of my last pay was withdrawn by dh for gambling.

I am so upset as this was money was my final payslip and I am now a sahm while I look for another job.

Dh says he didn't think to mention it as he has started a new full time job which pays a lot more than mine (he had been working part time and also partime sahd).

I think that this shows he does not value my salary and my work :( I wanted the last of my pay check to go into savings, now it feels like I shouldn't have bothered working and earning that money if he is going to just waste it so easily!

This is not in his nature at all. We have always discussed whether we can afford him gambling and he never does it more that twice a year and now he has broken this agreement, I don't know why this has changed now and I am so upset.

OP posts:
sherazade · 03/04/2013 11:18

Make sure he pays you every penny back

sherazade · 03/04/2013 11:19

And you have every right to be enraged beyond limit.

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 11:20

Your account or a joint account?

Original poster
reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:22

He took the money out of our joint account.

He has said that he will transfer me a lump sum in excess of what he took into my own account when he gets paid, but I don't think that makes up for it.

I feel like he didn't value my salary and job.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 03/04/2013 11:23

Clearly he see your wages as "family money". But "family money" should not be pissed up a wall for the enjoyment of one member. How would he like it if you went out on a spending spree and spent a quarter of his wages on shoes? YANBU. Gambling, in any form beyond the lottery, is a deal breaker for me.

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 11:24

I don't see a joint accounts mine or yours but 'ours', but that is splitting hairs I suppose. If he is putting in, he can take out. Who deposited last is neither here nor there.

I'd have bigger concerns about the amount he was gambling.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 03/04/2013 11:25

I can't believe you're asking if you have a right to be upset - of course you do! How DARE he?! And to not feel like he needed to mention it to you!

TheFallenNinja · 03/04/2013 11:31

I take it he didn't win? How much are we talking about?

Original poster
reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:33

That is why I am annoyed, whenever he has gambled before it was planned in advance and I have the same amount to spend as well, so it was fair.

He didn't mention it and he says he didn't think I would mind as he would be earning it back soon and thought I would be happy with a lump sum the same. But I had planned on my last payslip being put aside for savings as I don't know when I will work again and I like to feel I was still contributing to the finances as it was my salary in the savings.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2013 11:33

Are you sure his gambling is only twice a year? The fact that he takes substantial chunks of money and gambles them without asking you suggests that gamblling might be a more serious problem than he has let you know.

Original poster
reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:38

Of course he didn't win! We always count on him not winning, that is why we budget it in advance.

£380

I am fairly sure this is the first time as I keep an eye on our accounts, we both do, so i have know idea why he didn't tell me before i noticed.

I have to say this has really dented 12 years of trust.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 11:42

Has he left you enough to live on, after all bills are paid, until someone gets paid again?

AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 11:43

I think he needs to stop gambling if he's now lying about it and taking large sums of money without asking.

It's now a problem.

Gambling addiction is terrifying.

TheCraicDealer · 03/04/2013 11:45

He didn't mention it and he says he didn't think I would mind as he would be earning it back soon

That's what freaks me out about gambling- it's a slippery slope and sooner or later you start spending money you don't have and "promise" to pay it back on the never never.

Original poster
reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:49

Yes we have enough to live on, we could 'afford' it which is why I think he is surprised I am upset.

Even if it was a lower amount and I was on very low pay and we could still 'afford' it I would be upset as I feel it is him wasting my last paycheck and I shouldn't have bothered going into work at all, as he will be able to earn it all back and more in no time at his new job Hmm

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 11:50

I realise everything is relative, but as a percentage of salary, that is an horrific amount to be spunking up the wall.

nenevomito · 03/04/2013 11:50

I would be absoluely livid. Gambling £380 is basically pissing it up the wall. Family money or not, he should have told you he was going to waste that much money. Him earning it means nothing, as it's still £380 less than you would have had.

So no, YANBU. Totally not U.

ConferencePear · 03/04/2013 11:52

Reneaa2 you must get yourself an account of your own immediately. You need to sit down with your DH and agree an amount that will be paid in each month for household bills. Don't buy anything on a credit card now that you are not earning.
I have been badly stung by this sort of thing because I was too trusting with my first DH. They fool themselves into thinking it will all be OK. Even now with a second DH, who is actually fine about money, I make sure MY money is paid into MY account because I can't bear to hand control over to anyone else.

AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 11:54

I would also be very concerned that now that he's the earner and you're financially dependent on him he thinks it's OK to take hundreds of pounds of family money for gambling without a by your leave.

TwllBach · 03/04/2013 11:57

I realise that it's not a deal breaker for everyone, but if I ever found out DP gambled with our money, I would leave. I would not feel safe or secure. I'm not sure I could even be with someone who gambled with their own money.

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 11:59

DH has a mate who would sell his granny to fund his addiction, one big win and he's off at it again, until it's all gone.

starfishmummy · 03/04/2013 11:59

I think you need to take charge of the family finances completely.

Original poster
reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 12:02

I will be getting some money from my dad next week (into my personal account) I have a good mind to keep it and not put it into our joint and not tell dh. Would that be deceitful of me or justified do you think Hmm

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/04/2013 12:05

That is totally shocking. I was going to say have your salary paid into a separate account in your own name but I see you have now given up work and are an SAHM. I appreciate gambling can be an addiction and I would encourage him to seek help. I'd be worried this will escalate and become a huge problem. It's not really the norm to gamble that amount of money.

HollyBerryBush · 03/04/2013 12:07

I think I might have memory loss, OP, and leave it in the personal account

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