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AIBU?

Dh has gambled the last quarter of my last paycheck

62 replies

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 11:17

I do have the right to be upset about this, yes?

Have gone through our recent bank records and found 25% of my last pay was withdrawn by dh for gambling.

I am so upset as this was money was my final payslip and I am now a sahm while I look for another job.

Dh says he didn't think to mention it as he has started a new full time job which pays a lot more than mine (he had been working part time and also partime sahd).

I think that this shows he does not value my salary and my work :( I wanted the last of my pay check to go into savings, now it feels like I shouldn't have bothered working and earning that money if he is going to just waste it so easily!

This is not in his nature at all. We have always discussed whether we can afford him gambling and he never does it more that twice a year and now he has broken this agreement, I don't know why this has changed now and I am so upset.

OP posts:

Report

balia · 03/04/2013 12:08

Justified. I wouldn't be giving any money to a gambler. £380 - what could that have paid for for the kids?

joolsangel · 03/04/2013 12:15

i think there are several issues. not just that he gambled part of your salary and didnt think to tell you. the very fact that he didnt tell you should sound alarm bells. this doesnt sound like someone who just gambles twice a year. are you sure he doesnt gamble more often? i would insist that if he wants to gamble then as long as he makes sure he has left enough money in your joint account to meet your financial requirements then he can do what he wants with the rest of his money, not yours, as long as its not detrimental to you or leaves the family short. you need to point out to him that as he has broken your trust, taken your money without asking, and is basically pissing it up against a wall, then becuase of his reckless behaviour it leaves you in no doubt that you will control the family finances from now on. tell him your salary wont be getting paid into a joint account any longer when you get a new job and change the way you pay your bills to suit. you need to insist that you cut off his ability to take money as and when and you need to let him know that you are being forced to take this action because of his behaviour. you might find that if you cut off his ability to have easy access to money for things like this, then other problems will be revealed ie he is gambling more than you realise. gambling is addictive. its not something you just do twice a year.

StuntGirl · 03/04/2013 14:33

He's either a full blown addict or on his way there - either way it needs to stop now. I'd be furious if my partner pissed away that much of our money, and without discussing it too, doesn't matter if we could comfortably afford it.

He needs to pay you back every penny, although since its a joint account it might not seem to make a difference.

Does he have anthing he could sell to make up the money? If my partner did this his xbox, guitar or amp would be going up for sale to make the cost up.

You are right to be angry, and I would be very wary if how much I could trust him right now. Certainly don't give him access to the money your dad is giving you, and make sure you set up your own account with money you can access if you need to. Last thing you need to find is that he's ganbled 25% or more of his own paycheck next month.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 03/04/2013 15:03

Yanbu. I hope he pays some money into your savings

OTTMummA · 03/04/2013 15:21

Yadnbu, whatever your dad gives you put it away in a personal account and don't get any statements sent home.

I would make sure your dad knows not to mention anything either.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2013 16:09

Cut off his access to your money and family money immediately. He can spend his own money on gambling if he wants to, or he can sell his possessions on Ebay or down Cash Converters, but you need to make sure he can't access bill money or your savings.

This may hold things for a while, but I think you might have to start putting backup plans in place for leaving this man or having him removed from the house. Sorry but addicts can become dangerous to live with if you interfere with them getting their fix; they may steal from you/the children or physically attack you until you agree to hand over money or valuables that can be sold.

TheNebulousBoojum · 03/04/2013 16:26

He's got a problem, and he's being dishonest. For the moment, change the joint account so that you need both signatures to withdraw money.

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 21:53

Spoke to him, turns out he only lost £120 of it, the rest was in his wallet still!! He couldn't give me any reason why he didn't tell me in the first place and why he didn't tell me he still had several hundred still in his wallet after I asked him about it! (I suspect he was saving the money to gamble at a later date )

I've got the cash now and will bank it tomorrow.

I am fuming, I know he's was being vague/dishonest and I'm not happy.
I have said he is never to go back there as I think he has a problem.

OP posts:

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:03

I'm not happy with him gambling at all anymore, his own money or not is irrelevant imo. I dislike the dishonesty about this and I think he has a problem or why wouldn't he have been fully open about it in the first place.

I don't think we can do the separate accounts now, especially a I'm not working that wouldn't be fair!

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AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 22:12

You should have separate accounts.

With your name on the one his wages are paid into.

Gambling addiction can destroy a family so quickly.

You need to protect yourself and your children from him financially.

Don't even think about giving him access to your Dad's money.

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:23

athing do you really think it would be reasonable for me to have his wage deposited in myaccount? That sounds controlling and unequal.

I think I will talk to him about having a chunk of savings in my own savings account only though, but if I do this then it sort if sends the message that his money is his to do what he wants with!?

I will have to have a think about it though as I don't trust him with money anymore as he has lied twice and is being vague. I have suspicions that he may have had a windfall a while ago and kept it from me and has been secretly gambling this, now that that money has gone he decided to withdraw some without telling me and that I how it all began.

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reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:25

I really liked the system of having joint accounts for spendings and savings and then personal accounts for our own spending money. I think this is a fair adult system and I'm annoyed he has ruined it

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travailtotravel · 03/04/2013 22:30

This would massively destroy my trust to. Time for a change in how you manage money I think.

Three accounts- your account, his account, joint account.
Work out all your family finances - bills, food, holidays, presents etc. Be clear about how much everything costs and how all this money is accounted for.
When that is covered, its put into the joint account either 50/50 or percentage of income
What is left of both incomes goes 2 ways - your account, his account.
If its only him working while you are a SAHM/job hunting its his salary, minus expenses, remainder split 2 ways. If you are the only earner, the same.

You can do what the hell you like with what is in your account. If he so much as touches the money in joint acct for anything other than what it is listed and designated for, he will know he has overstepped the mark and is taking money from your children and really has a problem.

AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 22:37

Yes, I think having his wage paid into your account is the only way to go if you are married to a gambling addict.

Bollocks to controlling and unequal.

You need to protect your family from the devastation that can be wrought when a gambling addict has "equal" access to family money.

You think taking money without asking and hiding windfalls isn't controlling?

Think again.

Whatever happens you need to sever your financial ties now - it's too risky to have a joint account, it's too risky not to work, it's too risky for any of your assets to be things he can sell or borrow money against without your permission.

You can't trust him.

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:47

Ok. I will open a savings account in ds name which only I have access to. The bulk of savings can go in there.

Set some strict ground rules for the joint spendings. Only for family purchases and we will go through the account transactions together to see where the money is going.

Then transfer the same percentage of all income into our personal accounts.

I haven't told him about my dads money as I know he will see that as making up for the money lost. I will put it in ds savings account once I've set it up.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 03/04/2013 22:50

I actually don't think the problem is gambling addiction.

I think the op isn't far wrong in her estimate, he's thought stuff it I can do what I like with it and replace it, I'm working she isn't now, she won't notice/care/be able to get annoyed.

I think the gambling is incidental this time.

Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone.

So its about respect and power differentials in the relationship IMO.

villagebird · 03/04/2013 22:53

Feel for you reading this. Sounds like a right wanker. My advice to you is get 'your own' bank account just for you. Scrap the 'joint account'. He cant be trusted. Any joint outgoings put in a pot that YOU keep and hide. Wish you all the best.

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:57

rhonda yes! Thank you! This is the main reason why I'm annoyed but previous posters didn't really mention this so I was thinking I was over reacting about that aspect and the gambling was the bigger issue.

Yes I think his attitude is disrespectful and undermining of my wages and my role as an earner for the family. He feels justified that he can take money as he will be able to pay it back (+more) as he earns more than me now

OP posts:

reneaa2 · 03/04/2013 22:58

It makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered working for those last few days as the money didn't count anyway!

OP posts:

rhondajean · 03/04/2013 22:59

It honestly doesn't sound like an addiction.

However I would still be doing what you suggest up there^^ about money. It sounds like a sensible way forwards to me.

AThingInYourLife · 03/04/2013 23:02

No, I mentioned the problem of his new found lack of respect for your financial position.

It's very telling.

"Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone."

Not necessarily. It sounds like his problem is still in the early stages.

But he's lying and stashing money for gambling. He has a problem.

NomNomDePlum · 03/04/2013 23:03

i don't know if your dp has a gambling problem, but i do think that taking a quarter of your paycheck for nothing important without discussing it with you is out of order. i would be wary of being financially dependent on someone who would behave like this.

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AnyFucker · 03/04/2013 23:07

He didn't tell you about the money he still had in his wallet straight away though, did he ?

He was stockpiling it for another gambling session

I am not sure what has come first here...the gambling addiction causing him to lose sight of what is right and wrong or a horribly entitled attitude in the first place

Whatever. I would not live with it, and neither should you. You seem intent on doing so, though

rhondajean · 03/04/2013 23:09

He didn't lie as such though- just didn't mention it and he didn't try to cover his tracks.

I think nomnom has nailed the whole thing.

Inertia · 03/04/2013 23:10

Both the gambling and the lack of respect are huge problems. You have every right to be upset, and it's very sensible of you to insist on a tight rein on family finances.

It might be wise to open an ISA and put the money from your dad straight into that .

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