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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I may have the worst child ever,(potty training horror stories needed)

59 replies

hairtearing · 02/04/2013 17:26

I feel guilty even as I write that,
but atm I am toilet training, (3.6) its very now or never I KNEW as long as nappies were an alt. he never would so I got rid completely.
he got as far as weeing on a potty, he is scared of the toilet, he won't pull his pants down as its too 'cold' , and won't poo in the potty.
we never got any further and regression has set it and his behavior has nosedived at nursery.
Not wee'd on the potty once today :/
I feel so helpless even considered getting some anti-d's to keep my head above water, if its not his behaviour its other peoples 'helpful' comments, I have a newborn to contend with too :/.
Its such a severe case of not wanting train, I really can't go back to nappies, its been over a month and it will mean he has 'won' in his eyes, but I need another alternative.

OP posts:

TheDegglyDonkey · 02/04/2013 17:29

I think if it was me, I'd go back to nappies and give it a few months - maybe try again in the summer?
It sounds like he's not ready, and winning or not, potty training is hell on earth if tried too soon.
You sound like you need a break, as does your ds.

Original poster

hairtearing · 02/04/2013 17:30

I think health visitor is needed I'm going spare its awful, its not nice for esp.if it is affecting behaviour.

OP posts:

EskSmith · 02/04/2013 17:33

Is there a reason you are trying now? Behaviour regression is common with a newborn without adding potty training to the mix.

He hasn't won - he just isn't ready for poo training.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/04/2013 17:33

I would abandon, he's not compliant or willing and you really don't want to add poo-witholding into the mix.

It's not about him winning, don't turn into a battle.

He has had a massive upheaval with the new baby's arrival.

Folk who are commenting unfavourably, they can get stuffed.

Try again in the warmer months.

Chin up and congrats on your baby.

Dozer · 02/04/2013 17:34

I had a nightmare with dd1, this too shall pass! just ignore people's comments and get advice from health visitor, and get your partner to help too.

Have you tried bribery of some kind?!

Also, getting all the practical supplies in place can save sanity, we had a plastic bucket, lots of spray, cleaning up stuff, muslins for soaking up wee etc.

Hope it's sorted soon!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/04/2013 17:36

I would leave it too. I know that's hard to hear. You are worried about how old he is etc. But, I really would because you just don't need the psychodrama

Original poster

hairtearing · 02/04/2013 17:45

I started on a half term , and basically because he's so old! I try bribery it doesn't seem to work all the time.

but there does seem to have been a regression like , stood next to potty and will we on the floor there has been nothing in a potty for 4 days .

OP posts:

EskSmith · 02/04/2013 17:51

In all seriousness I would stop. Try again in the summer.

If you must continue then you need to not react to accidents. Calmly clean up with a breezy "try again next time" Huge fuss for wee in the right place.

jungletoes · 02/04/2013 17:53

My dd was over 4 when she cracked it. Basically we by-passed the potty and VERY GENTLY nudged her towards the loo. My advice would be to put absolutely no pressure on at all as I did and my dd would hold on for DAYS before pooing. I will never forget the tears and screaming when she did eventually go. Let them go at their own pace and they will get there. My hv always said "she'll crack it before she starts school" and she was right.

Even now (13) my dd will not always poo, for eg in an unfamiliar loo or at school. Perhaps some of us are just a little bit more sensitive.

Good luck.

TheYamiOfYolk · 02/04/2013 17:57

Seriously, give it a break. DS is a similar age to yours (Early October birthday) and he didn't want to use a potty so I didn't push it until a couple of weeks ago when he told me he was ready and was dry day and night in a couple of days. He still doesn't want to poo in the loo or a potty, so he asks me for a nappy. I know that he'll grow into that before too long, so I'm not fussed. There are plenty of children his age still in nappies. He will be ready when he's ready.

TeaTowelQueen · 02/04/2013 17:57

You need to back off, I've been there too - my DS didn't really get the hang of it until he was over 4 and we still have the occasional accident if we don't keep an eye on him - he's nearly 5.....

If you are both getting stressed then there is no point in continuing, take a breather, try again when the weather gets warmer (less cold bottoms)

You WILL get there together, we used chocolate buttons, reward charts, ignoring accidents, screaming, lecturing, hair pulling out (mine not his) and I can't say that any one thing was a miracle. I just persevered, grimly holding on to some sanity whenever I could.

Funnily enough, he started school in Sept and hasn't had an accident yet whilst there (touching wood frantically)

You are not alone with this problem

McNewPants2013 · 02/04/2013 18:10

I would leave out the potty training and put a nappy on him.

It don't sound like he is ready, are you on a time scale for example for him to start school.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 02/04/2013 18:17

Some kids do just take a long time, so as well as ignoring anyone saying he's too old to he in nappies, also ignore anyone saying if it takes more than a few days your child can't ready! Both are equally complete fucking bollocks.

DD has only really completely got it recently (at 4) but our main issue was that we had not realised she was lactose intolerant and or course this was causing major poo issues! Before that we had a year and a half of back and forth. We had a break when DS was born because it was too much for me, I don't think it did any harm in our progress.

If it's possible I'd have a break (even if just for a few days) regroup and start again with the attitude that each small step will take around 3 weeks to change habit, instead of expecting it to come all it once. That attitude change made a difference to how I coped.

If you think the poo issue is causing the reluctance to wee on the potty I'd think about offering a nappy just for when he tells you he wants a poo? This seems to help a lot of kids.

It is so horrible and depressing when you're in the thick of it, don't take it to heart.

Pixieonthemoor · 02/04/2013 18:36

I think your ds could be picking up on your stress and despair at not being able to crack this. I did the same thing, really trying to push it and I only succeeded in making everyone in the family miserable. Then a friend of mine took me to one side and said that I was just piling on the pressure and I should take my foot off the pedal. I did this and we had it cracked in three days!! I am not kidding - you need to relax. Even give it a break for two or three months. It doesn't so much depend on the child (within reason of course) but more whether you feel relaxed/ready/equal to the task. Good luck!

Floggingmolly · 02/04/2013 18:40

I had one militant potty refuser, and nursery actually trained him for me (at
3.4). Is this an option?

MisForMumNotMaid · 02/04/2013 18:43

DS1 was between 3 and 4. So you want horror stories do you? Slightly damp day two active boys approaching 2 and over 3. In clothes plus all in one water proofs and wellies. The sort with cuffs at the wrists and ankles. I noticed a slight aroma around DS1 so said something jolly about oh lets pop inside and get some drinks and freshen up a bit shall we? DS1 point blank refused and scrambled up the muddy bank alongside our garden slide, DS2 thought the game was great so he joined in. DS1 sat down on slide and trying to remain calm I managed to get him down, DS2 in tow. I carried him in and got sticky mud all over me inthe process. We had a toilet off a utility so this seamed like the place to go rather than going up the carpeted stairs to the bathroom. DS1 had a kicking screaming temper tantrum rolling around on the floor. The floor got pretty wet and muddy. I removed his wellies and his socks were brown and wet, his plastic all in one was brown and wet both sides, there were lumps caught under the plastic anckle cuffs under his plastic suit. So much mud and the volume of poo, he must have been seriously holding it in. He was still writhing on the floor 10 mins later and i'm sure he was weeing too. It ended up in his hair, ds2 had brown in his hair and on his face i hoped it was mud, and it was on my clothes and in my hair etc. and did we have any hot water? Great day for the pilot light to have chosen to blow out. The joys of parenthood.

Still babywipes are fab, the water heated and nearly 6 years on I can still smell it when I recall the story and I have the urge to go and have a long shower and tripple rinse my hair.

DS1 is Autistic, he wasn't through diagnosis then. I suspected it from a very young age but it has led to some challenging moments that are towards the extreme end of parenting.

It does get better even DS1 manages on his own most of the time.

With DS2 when. He was ready, which was also the four side of three it was much smoother, the odd accident but quite happy to sit on the toilet seat insert on the big toilet (he was too gangly for a little potty so I used steps and seat inserts).

Talk to your health visitor/GP but most of all do what feels right to you. There are many right ways of parenting.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/04/2013 18:44

Once you've had a break, could someone else take over?

DH cracked it with DS1 - I went out with the baby for a day and they had a Boys Pants Day (Lord knows what they got up to ), basically because I was too stressed about it, DS1 was also going through sibling jealousy and we were getting our knickers in a twist

midastouch · 02/04/2013 18:46

Sorry i have no advice for you, just sympathy, my DS is 3.9 and still in pull ups (sad) no matter how hard i try he just will not ask for the toilet, he sat in the trolley in tesco yesterday and pooped his pull ups
At nursery he has asked and used the toilet 4 times (so he is totally capable) and been given praise and stickers by the nursery and myself he has never done it at home and at nursery its one particular lady who is rarely there. Its very embarrassing going to collect him from nursery to be told we've changed his pull up as he had a bm.
Will be interested in your replies.

tinypumpkin · 02/04/2013 18:48

You have my sympathy. DD2 is 3.5 and I too am tearing my hair out. She just won't do it and will hold in wees and poos if in pants. No ideas but much sympathy and good luck vibes to you.

BalloonSlayer · 02/04/2013 18:51

My DS1 wouldn't wee on the potty, I had to hold it in front of him (like Prince Charles' valet) and he would wee into it. So would it help if he weed into it standing up with you holding it?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 02/04/2013 18:54

Oh mis, I can imagine.

DD went through a phase (at nearly 4) of smearing poo all over herself and even ate it once. Then stopped for no reason. She scared the crap out of me though, I was already wondering about autism. (I am still wondering, tbh)

ll31 · 02/04/2013 18:59

I'd leave it is think, maybe move to pull ups as halfway house and try again in summer.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo · 02/04/2013 19:01

Im sort of in your position, DS1 is 3.6, Ds2 is 13 weeks. We tried pre DS2 to
Train DS1, and he simply wasnt ready. We have been going since good fri, and have had 6 accidents, (one poop yuck!!) but he is very much improving, and tends only to miss when engrossed in something. I would say your boy just perhaps isnt ready? DS1 still wont use the toilet but knows when he needs to go, and was telling us/ going. We are bribing rewarding with chocolates / small treats etc, and have yet to go further than the grandparents, so that will be a step! also dont forsee him being dry at night for ages.

What cues is he displaying? Hugs for you its not fun!

LadyKinbote · 02/04/2013 19:03

Another horror story to cheer you up. DD became completely incontinent for about a month once due to a nasty urine infection and started hiding her poos under the wardrobe! Seriously though, don't put yourself through this with a newborn, do everything in your power to make your life easy right now.

Bingdweller · 02/04/2013 19:04

Want a horror story?

DS was trained a week or so and we ventured into John Lewis. Luckily we were in the nursery department when he declared he needed a massive shit and couldn't wait to go up a floor to the toilet.

Quick thinking DH grabbed a potty from the shelf complete with price ticket and DS did a mahooooosive big dump in it in view of customers. Mortified doesn't even cover it....

To this day I'm grateful DH didn't grab a Baby Bjorn £18.95 potty for the purpose.

Getting rid of that full potty (after purchasing it of course) was fun

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