I've inherited some money and don't know how to share it.

[Snowme]

I've inherited a significant amount of money. Not enough to buy a house or anything like that,but certainly enough to drastically improve the lives of myself and my two young children.

I have three step siblings but as I grew up with them from the age of 2.5 none of us have ever referred to or considered eachother stepsiblings.
Our Dad (my stepdad) died about 18 years ago and at the time I vaguely remember it being common knowledge that because I was the stepchild and I was going to inherit from my paternal grandparents one day, anything from my stepdad's will would not include me, as I was kind of catered for already. I believe the same is now also true with regards to my Mum's will.

Although my siblings spent an occasional school holiday with me and my paternal grandparents, and always received birthday presents with money and gifts throughout their childhood from them, they were not mentioned in my late grandmother's will. So whilst they were not especially close to them, they were familiar with them.

As there are no other beneficiaries to the will except myself, I would like to give some of the money to my siblings. But dilemmas keep presenting themselves. I'm also asking advice from a more practical forum, but Mumsnet will provide more direct views.

Basically, I'd like to know how much to give them.

Briefly, my recent background is that I left a DV 8 year relationship a couple of years ago and left their father with my then 4 week old newborn and toddler.

I've had massive financial problems since, inherited debt from our time together where he did not contribute financially, etc etc. I've recently filed for a Debt Relief Order (similar to bankruptcy) as it got to the point where I was evicted for arrears and then couldn't even afford to bus my daughter into school in the next town. The debt isn't huge and this inheritance could finally take away that 5 year long noose from my neck.

My youngest starts school this Autumn, so this money also makes the transition from depending on benefits to finding full time work again much easier.

But as I'm currently still on full benefits until the probate process is completed in several months time, once the benefits agencies are aware, I won't be eligible for housing benefit, income support or council tax benefit, so as I'm not working and it's unlikely I'll find a full time job quickly that can also cover childcare costs, I'm going to have to pay my own rent, living expenses, etc once I have that money, so at around £900 a month or whatever the cost is rent, food, utilities, council tax, etc that inheritance will trickle away very quickly.

The idea of stashing it for my children's future is becoming less feasible if I have to live off it instead until I find work.

So, with that in mind, firstly what amount should I be thinking of giving my siblings, and secondly, do I explain my reasons for that amount (ie that I need to think of my own children first and that they have already inherited from our Dad when I did not)
or not declare the full amount at all?

I want to be able to give the, something of course, I just don't know how much. I'm aware this is such a once in a lifetime blessing. What do you think ? Do I need to declare the amount here or can you figure out a reply without knowing it? It's to enough buy a house, nowhere near,for instance.

OP
I want you to think how you are going to explain to your own children why you gave away money that could have made your lives more comfortable. Think what you will say about how you felt your step siblings (who have already inherited) deserved a share of the money specifically left to you by a loving grandmother, and that's why you felt it would be OK for your children to miss out.

Why do you place the needs of your siblings over those of your children?

The former have no debts, secure jobs and may have had their own windfall in the past.

Your dc are relying solely on you and you're in a tough situation. Sort it out then make plans to give the dc the sort of advantages/treats they may not have had. Tutors, uni, car, school trips, holiday, piano lessons! ? qualification for yourself.

Which is prob what your Grandma had in mind.

Hi OP

I would add that I was in a situation of great fortune financially and wanted to gift my DB some money and felt it needed to be a very substantial amount or he would think me mean.

I cant say I regret doing it but in hindsight I was far too generous and actually probably would have been better off helping him out here and there particularly as I think he expected it.

Also you will find money never goes as far as you think and now you may feel you can be generous but as you arent working and have other financial matters to settle then I would hang on to every penny.

In short I would quietly carry on with your life and wait until well into the future before making a decision about this

I hope you don't feel got at or ganged up on, OP.

It's just that you seem really lovely and it's very worrying that you might have the means to permanently massively improve your life and your children's lives and you're considering passing that opportunity up for the sake of people who neither need nor deserve the money.

I have been worrying about you all afternoon. I hope you're ok?

I normally think that inheritance is a privilege, not a right, and that people should be able to whatever they please with their estate, but it seems really unpleasant for you to be left out of your own mother's will and for it to be common knowledge amongst your family! I can sort of understand that your step father left his estate only to his biological children and to his wife, but then I would expect your mother to leave her estate only to her biological child.

Your siblings didn't share their inheritance from your stepfather with you, and I doubt they will share anything they get from your mother with you either. The money from our grandmother was left to you, to make your life better and provide a future for your children. For example, student loans do not cover the full living costs at university, people either have to borrow from their parents, take out an overdraft, live on 30p instant noodles or get a part time job to fit in with their studies. You could save this money and use it to help your children through university if they want to go. Or to fund a special course or training programme for a hobby or sport that they are particularly good at. Or help them to put a deposit down on their first flat. Or even put a deposit down on a lovely small house or flat for you all to live in now.

I was evicted for rent arrears last year and she continued to borrow money from me then, she must have known my money was tight then

That's from your earlier post. Do you mean that whole you were unable to pay the rent to put a roof over your children's head, you were continuing to lend more money to your sister? Or do you mean she just wasn't paying back what she owed? Either way, the way you've said that she borrowed from you rather than you lent money to her, makes it seem like you didn't really feel you had a choice. Did you feel pressured into lending her money you couldn't afford? It sounds like she has really taken advantage of you.

It seems like you have been made to feel, by your siblings and your parents, that you are in some way better off than them and that you owe them something. Apologies if I've got this totally wrong but that's how I've read your posts. You don't owe them anything.

Personally I'd wait until you have a secure full time job, and you've passed any probation period, been there a year or so, got all your debts paid off, invested some money for your children's future, and then think about buying a small token gift for your family. Maybe a framed print of a family photo with your grandmother? Or a family day out to a special place that reminds you of her? Something to remember her but without much monetary value. And whatever you do, do not mention the inheritance or the amount to your family.

You sound lovely but please put your children's future first, rather than your somewhat selfish sounding siblings! :)

I'd pay off debts, sort myself out and then take stock. Probably I wouldn't pass on anything. It sounds as if this is the only inheritance you are likely to get and you have financial worries. Lucky you by the way. I hope it eases everything.

op, your gran wanted you and your kids to have that money, respect her wishes and keep it

OP - you sound lovely and a bit too kind for your own good tbh!

Keep the money. It's no one elses business, and you and your DCs deserve this.

My DSis and DBIL inherited from DBIL's DF (IYSWIM). I have never asked how much, they have (of course!) never given me any of the inheritance, and I would never presume to have any involvement in any of it.

Just as your DSS and DSB have no involvement in the money you get from your grandmother, who is absolutely no relation to them at all (if I understand correctly).

Sometimes people who have had the hardest time, are the very people who find it hard to accept good fortune. Look after yourself OP.

I don't think that OP should give any of the money to her siblings. She can't afford it, they shouldn't expect it, and her grandmother's wish was for the money to go to her, not to them.

But comments like these from other posters are really out of order:

I will tell you exactly how this is all going to end: you will give your step-siblings money. regardless of the amount, hey will assume you have inherited heaps more and will think you are tight-fisted. They will either refuse to talk to you or try to get more out of you.

Why exactly are you so insistent in giving these people, who don't seem to give a fig about you and your children, money that your grandmother wanted you to enjoy?

Your children do love you. Why take from them to give to those who don't?

OP does sound lovely, and maybe a little bit naive and vulnerable too. How exactly does telling her that her family doesn't love her help? And how on Earth can any of us presume to know how her family feels about her, anyway?

We know a small selection of facts about the family. Yes, it is a bit that her sister borrowed money and didn't return it, when she knew that OP was in dire financial straits. It doesn't reflect well on the sister at all.

But family relationships are often complicated, and it is a very big and unfair leap to go from "your sister seems to have taken advantage of you financially in the past, whether intentionally or thoughtlessly. I think you should really put yourself first this time" to "they don't love you, OP."

What a horrible and hurtful (not to mention baseless) conclusion to jump to.

The trouble is there is clearly more of a back story then the OP has told us and other posters are filling in the gaps.

My partners mum inherited a lot of money. When other relatives found out what was in the will they got no win no fee solicitors involved. The situation came to a deadlock for months, until both parties agreed to mediation. My dps mum refused to back down and share the inheritance and her solicitor got a barrister involved and eventually, they backed down. It cost thousands. No win no fee solicitors so unscrupulous in these matters and unless you can see it through to the end financially. I feel the OP is probably being pressured into sharing. She shouldnt have to. Legally they haven't got a leg to stand on and Wills cannot usually be changed if they are prepared correctly. This is one area of law which can leave people very vulnerable. OP stay strong. Do not share this money. It's yours.

Why don't you just mention in passing that your gran owed a bedsit in the mansion and sadly not the whole mansion. Why should there be a formal discussion about the inheritance?

You should pay off your debts, put the rest on a deposit for a small flat to secure your childrens/your future. Your children should come first.

Your siblings might inherit once or twice. You only have this one small inheritance.

Your Gran left the money to you and not them. What would your Gran want you to do?

If my SS had escaped domestic violence and was getting back on her feet, I would be overjoyed if she inherited. I wouldn't want a penny but would want her to spend it wisely.

OP, please do NOT do this.

I very much hope that your parents/grandparents have given very careful thought to a fair distribution between the four of you - otherwise you are in a situation where you have been treated less favourably than your siblings, not only by your step-dad, but also by your own mum.

Either there has been careful attention to fairness, or your grandmother has tried to rectify a huge unfairness. Either way, by giving away any of this inheritance, you are voluntarily putting yourself in a less favourable position than your siblings.

Whatever the reasoning, you have what sounds like a relatively modest sum - not the kind of money which is going to set you up for life. This money is going to be needed to get you back on your feet and able to give your children some of the things you would no doubt like them to have. Sooner or later it will be gone and you are going to want to know you've used it in the best possible way.

Spending it on family members who haven't bothered to lift a finger to help you when you were in dire straits is not the best possible way. They're not suddenly going to realise the error of their ways when you give them a gift. They're not going to clasp you to their bosoms and swear to look out for you for evermore. At best they're going to say "ta very much". At worst they are going to start asking some questions about this inheritance and whether there is anything else that should be coming their way.

One of these people has already financially exploited you in an utterly callous and selfish manner. Is that really the kind of person with whom you want to open any sort of dialogue about this money? Or to whom you want to give any sniff of an entitlement to this money?

If you do this, I would be willing to bet that all that will happen is that one or more of them either actively tries to get more out of you, or at least starts all sorts of talk within the family about your selfishness in sitting on your massive inheritance and giving them a measly couple of hundred.

But all that aside, you cannot afford this. It's not silly money. It's not a lottery win. It's money that will be absorbed by normal life and getting you back on an even keel. You need it. Your children need it.

Don't screw this up for yourself just because you think they will think badly of you. You should be thinking badly of them for not helping you when you most needed it.

I meant to add that I don't think you should enter into any dialogue about this money whatsoever - it's difficult for them to come and ask about it out of the blue, but if you start talking about it, it's pretty easy for them to read between the lines and start asking questions.

You must prioritise your children - no one else will.

It sounds as if you really need the money; plus I agree with the other posters that whatever you give won't be enough. If your grandparents had wanted to give them they would have specifically left it to them. Don't do anything for now and don't let them know how much you got.

If you are next of kin with no will in place or the money has specifically been left to you by name and you are on full benefits then give them nothing.

Legally the money is classed as yours and If you inherit money and share it out to unnamed persons the benefits agency will consider it purposly disposing of assets in order to gain or regain entitlement to benefits sooner if you need to go back on them if you can't find work and you then leave yourself wide open to prosucution for benefit fraud. If you need to go back on benefits after the money has ran out if you can't find work they calculate how much you had and how much you would have got per month in benefits to decide if you are, in their eyes , re-elligable if not they can ask where the money has gone that you should still have and then decide if the expenditures were reasonable. Sharing it with family members and paying off non-priority debts are not considered reasonable. If any of your expenditures are not considered reasonable they will take each cost add it up and class it as notional capital (imaginary money) and class you as inelligable fir help until your imaginary money has ran out at the going rate of what you would get a month in benefits leaving completely pennyless.

I am talking from a personal similar experience.

OP, my aunt died last year. She had no children and my siblings and I were very close to her. She left some money to my brother and me and she left her house to my sister. My sister feels bad about this, that she got 'more' than us but I feel absolutely NO resentment toward her or my aunt. My poor aunt handwrote on her will 'I wish I had three houses.' I think you should absolutely never tell your siblings the amount you've inheirited. Your Gran's wish was that that money should go to you and you should respect that. And it sounds like you need it.

Spend it and save it. On yourself, guilt free.

Please Please Please take time to sort your own financial security out first... x Best of luck x

Er, MorrisZapp No, I did not start a thread hoping for that kind of validation. Quite the opposite. I do not want to keep all of it, I want to gift some of it to those close to me. I appreciate my children come first, but the advice to not bother sharing even a tiny bit wasn't the reaction I expected at all

What I asked, was how much would be an appropriate amount so as not to cause offence. That doesnt need in-depth analysing, its nothing to do with not feeling I deserve it (Im sure everyone feels that way in a similar circumstance).

But I can see its a can of worms. There's many, many variables on dealing with a small inheritance I wasn't aware of before, so financial advice is my first step.
Thankyou for all your views everyone, there has been some really helpful stuff here and I can move forward with a clearer idea at least

Thankyou HoldMeCloser for your warm concern, I appreciate that kindly :)
No, I don't feel ganged up on (veteran Mumsnetter!) but I've posted here and on another financial forum for contrasting views. It's all good stuff and is helpful indeed.

Hi snowme, I have seen a very ugly side to families in these circumstances. My dp s mum had every intention of sharing the money she inherited. But she was not given the opportunity because other family members got a solicitor involved. And they said some terrible things about her. She is enjoying the money she has and bought a new car, treated us to a holiday with DP s sister. But we never expected any of the money. We never questioned what she was going ti do with it. Your siblings really should leave you to get on with it. I hope this helps. This really is a wonderful opportunity for you. Enjoy it when you get the money.

Snowme, given the circumstances, your siblings could not reasonably be offended if you do not give them any of your inheritance. Should they choose to take offence, that should not be your problem. Further, as it would be highly unreasonable of them to choose to be offended, it is not possible to state an amount which would prevent them choosing to be so, particularly as they seem to think that the inheritance is much larger than it is, and at least one of them has the hide of a rhino and no shame whatsoever as she was happy to take money from you when you couldn't afford to feed and house your children.

Someone like that may well choose to be offended whatever amount you give her, so give her nothing and concentrate on the fact that your children are warm and well fed because of your grandmother's legacy, and hanging onto the lot allows that situation to continue longer.

OP, your comment is very interesting, you are worried that you will offend your siblings by giving them too little. Meaning that you think they expect quite considerable amounts. And that's the issue here - considering that a) there were different arrangements made for them, leaving you out and b) they didn't share any of their inheritance with you - they should not be expecting anything, at all.
Therefore, whatever you decide to give them will likely not be enough.

Ok, if you are insistent on giving money to your siblings and only asked about a suitable amount - as a starting point, I'd look at what proportion they gave you of their inheritance from the man you considered your father.

Something that's just occurred to me- you were left out of the wills of both your stepfather and your own mother because you alone would inherit from your paternal grandmother. Did your parents also consider whether your siblings would inherit from their paternal grandparents ?

Your siblings have no cause to be offended here.

You should only give them as much as you can comfortably afford.

Which, given your straitened circumstances, is very little.

I would go with extra nice Christmas presents.