I've inherited some money and don't know how to share it.

[Snowme]

I've inherited a significant amount of money. Not enough to buy a house or anything like that,but certainly enough to drastically improve the lives of myself and my two young children.

I have three step siblings but as I grew up with them from the age of 2.5 none of us have ever referred to or considered eachother stepsiblings.
Our Dad (my stepdad) died about 18 years ago and at the time I vaguely remember it being common knowledge that because I was the stepchild and I was going to inherit from my paternal grandparents one day, anything from my stepdad's will would not include me, as I was kind of catered for already. I believe the same is now also true with regards to my Mum's will.

Although my siblings spent an occasional school holiday with me and my paternal grandparents, and always received birthday presents with money and gifts throughout their childhood from them, they were not mentioned in my late grandmother's will. So whilst they were not especially close to them, they were familiar with them.

As there are no other beneficiaries to the will except myself, I would like to give some of the money to my siblings. But dilemmas keep presenting themselves. I'm also asking advice from a more practical forum, but Mumsnet will provide more direct views.

Basically, I'd like to know how much to give them.

Briefly, my recent background is that I left a DV 8 year relationship a couple of years ago and left their father with my then 4 week old newborn and toddler.

I've had massive financial problems since, inherited debt from our time together where he did not contribute financially, etc etc. I've recently filed for a Debt Relief Order (similar to bankruptcy) as it got to the point where I was evicted for arrears and then couldn't even afford to bus my daughter into school in the next town. The debt isn't huge and this inheritance could finally take away that 5 year long noose from my neck.

My youngest starts school this Autumn, so this money also makes the transition from depending on benefits to finding full time work again much easier.

But as I'm currently still on full benefits until the probate process is completed in several months time, once the benefits agencies are aware, I won't be eligible for housing benefit, income support or council tax benefit, so as I'm not working and it's unlikely I'll find a full time job quickly that can also cover childcare costs, I'm going to have to pay my own rent, living expenses, etc once I have that money, so at around £900 a month or whatever the cost is rent, food, utilities, council tax, etc that inheritance will trickle away very quickly.

The idea of stashing it for my children's future is becoming less feasible if I have to live off it instead until I find work.

So, with that in mind, firstly what amount should I be thinking of giving my siblings, and secondly, do I explain my reasons for that amount (ie that I need to think of my own children first and that they have already inherited from our Dad when I did not)
or not declare the full amount at all?

I want to be able to give the, something of course, I just don't know how much. I'm aware this is such a once in a lifetime blessing. What do you think ? Do I need to declare the amount here or can you figure out a reply without knowing it? It's to enough buy a house, nowhere near,for instance.

[Doyouthinktheysaurus]

Op you sound very vulnerable and really don't seem to value yourself in all this!

Keep the money, keep quiet about it, it's no one else's business! Take note of the fact you have no idea what or if your step siblings received an inheritance after your stepdad died, and model your behaviour on that.

Sounds like you have had a tough time and as others have said some counselling sessions would have much more long term benefit than sharing money you can ill afford to share.

Over the years DH and I have received a significant payout from a critical illness policy after I got ill, and an inheritance of probably a similar amount you are talking about.

That money is for the future and our dses future.

That's how you need to think about your money. It's for yours and your dc's future.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Sadly no, I've lent one sister large sums of money in the recent past and she hasn't repaid it. I was evicted for rent arrears last year and she continued to borrow money from me then, she must have known my money was tight then :/

I just cannot get over this. And you want to give MORE money to siblings who offered you nothing when you fled domestic violence?

You seem so resigned to inheriting nothing from either the man who raised you, or even your own mother. And you honestly seem not to feel like you deserve this inheritance from your grandmother.

Why do you value yourself so little?

[aurynne]

To be completely blunt, Snowme, you are behaving like an utter fool. I will tell you exactly how this is all going to end: you will give your step-siblings money. regardless of the amount, hey will assume you have inherited heaps more and will think you are tight-fisted. They will either refuse to talk to you or try to get more out of you. I hope it's the first option, because if they ask you for more, I can perfectly picture you giving them all your inheritance money just to please them. Then you will be broke again and your children will have nothing, your siblings will spend your money and your relationship with them will be worse off than before.

Why exactly are you so insistent in giving these people, who don't seem to give a fig about you and your children, money that your grandmother wanted you to enjoy? Why??? It defies reason!

[Inertia]

Quietly - that's lovely.

I hope that the person who gave it could afford to give freely, rather than being jobless, debt-ridden, recently homeless, owed money by you, and with their own children to support.

[MrsHoarder]

OP you really shouldn't be trying to give your siblings "unexpected joy" which they will see as coming from your GP (rather than you) unless you are very financially secure. To be so I would need to own outright my own house and have a few months living expenses. Other people's definitions may vary, but having to live off savings whilst in rented accommodation is not financially comfortable.

You owe your children security, not a bit of bonus happiness for your siblings, and if they are better off than you the money will be worth less in terms of adding to their happiness than it would to you anyway.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

quietly - had you previously inherited and not shared with that person? Had you previously borrowed money from that person and not paid it back despite them being evicted for arrears? Was that person in debt? On benefits and with small children?

Unless the answer to those questions is yes, then the OP should completely disregard your input to the thread.

[CecilyP]

You shouldn't give them anything. You really don't need to. You have already said that they have secure jobs whilst you are on benefits. Yet they did not help you when you were in real financial difficulties. They also inherited from their dad and did not include you. While your gran obviously did not own an entire block of flats, if there is not enough money even to buy a small house in the midlands, it does not sound as if she owned her one bedroom flat in Streatham either. Therefore, the only discussion you need have with your sibblings is that - that the legacy is far less than might have been expected. Then if you are feeling generous just take them for a meal or a weekend away. There really is no reason for them to expect anything from you.

As others have said, if you are on benefits and you have money that puts you above the benefit threshold, you can't just give that money away and expect to continue to receive the same benefits - the system simply does not work like that.

Once you have the money, use it to pay off debts. Then buy any large value items you need for your home. Things you have needed to repair or replace and have put off because you couldn't afford it. Driving lessons are an excellent idea along with the purchase of a good reliable car which will improve your work propects no end when your children are older.

[verytellytubby]

It doesn't sound like a sum where you don't have to work for the rest of your life! Keep it all. Pay debts, get a car and save the rest. You might not get a job for a while in this economic climate.

Be sensible for your kids.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Coming back to say two things, one ethical / emotional, one practical.

First one. For some reason you have allowed your siblings to continue to think your GPs' flat was vastly bigger and more valuable than it was, rather than setting them straight (easily done, so why have you not?). So, they will assume your inheritance is much, much bigger than it is, ten times as much or more. So, any gift you give them, even if very generous, will be perceived as small.

When you mother dies they will not share any of their inheritance with you. It's likely they wouldn't have anyway, as the arrangement is that you've been catered for already and they will, reasonably, prioritise their children anyway. The fact that they believe your inheritance to be enormous only makes this more certain. In fact, it opens you up to silly jibes along the lines of 'are you treating us today', whenever you do anything together. People are weird and often petty and tactless about money.

I think you do need to let them know the flat was 'it' and the inheritance is not huge - without getting anywhere near actual numbers, there are so many possible reasons your GPs might not have had much left - perhaps talk to your mother and ask her to convey this subtly?

[Littlefish]

I've just re-read your OP. Is this right. Your step siblings inherited from your step father, you inherited from your paternal grandparents.

You believe that only your step siblings will inherit from your mother....

I think that all of you should be inheriting from your mother, regardless of any amounts you have inherited from other family members, unless all/the vast majority of your step fathers estate went directly to your mother when your step father died, and they haven't inherited anything yet.

In your position, I would not be giving anything to your step siblings. It sounds like your parents/step parent/grandparents had a plan in place to try and keep things equitable. Please think of yourself and your dc.

[indyandlara]

Your children, not your siblings, should be your priority. You really cannot seriously consider giving away money when you have a level of debt which has driven you towards a breakdown. You say you want to stay at home until your youngest is at school partly to support your oldest who witnessed some of the DV which caused you relationship to break up. You have got to put your own children's financial future first. It is all good and well giving money away but if you then hit further problems in a few years, you will have no financial safety net and your children will have to witness the resulting turmoil. If your siblings, who you say are comfortable, did not help you at your lowest then this is one time you need to put yourself first. Who says they even expect a share?

[LondonNinja]

This is a frustrating thread to read.

You have in your hands, security. This, following DV and a breakdown is worth its weight in gold.

Charity begins at home - and by that, I mean YOUR home, your children. What would your grandmother think if she knew you planned on divvying up her money after what you have been through?

And where were these siblings when you were going through hell? You need to be responsible here - you sound lovely, but a tad naive.

Please, please don't be some kind of martyr just to 'be nice'. Your grandmother, I am almost certain, would disapprove of such cavalier behaviour when your needs are so great.

As for your sister who took and took, well, words fail me. Maybe, as lisianthus said, write off that debt. But don't be a fool. Your siblings will be provided for from your mum and stepdad - you won't/weren't. Think on.

Wishing you the best.

[lottiegarbanzo]

My practical point is, yes to driving lessons but don't rush to buy a car. Lots of jobs expect you to drive but some provide pool cars. You could wait and see but keep money aside to buy one if needed.

I am a natural saver and investor, so car signals 'depreciates, costs a lot to run, not an investment', though it may be a necessity to enable you to work, in which case you cost realistic running costs into your 'what is this salary actually worth' calculations.

Assuming everything will be counted against benefits, you are aiming to find a job to coincide with your DC starting school and probate going through, which will all be within a few months of each other. So I'd suggest, in priority order, going as far down the list as the numbers allow:

• Eliminate debts
  
• Contingency fund to keep going while job hunting (six months?)
  
• Savings for future similar contingency (I know what peace of mind this sort of buffer offers, it's great).
  
• driving lessons, as there's some urgency to aid job hunting.
  
• Fund for house deposit, at least 5% preferably 10% of what you'd need.
  
• savings funds for DCs.
  
• if there's anything left, have a holiday.
  

Remember, once you have an income, you can add to the savings, get life insurance etc. First, it makes sense to minimise your outgoings, by keeping your rent or mortgage as low as possible - small, well insulted house, with large deposit, if you can. That will allow you more discretionary cash from income later.

[LemonBreeland]

Please please think of yourself. That is what at least one of your siblings currently does.

DOn't tell them about the money and look after yourself and your DC. You don't have enough spare to treat others.

[CandyCrushed]

OP, I am laughing at how united MumsNet is on this thread. Practically Everyone is telling you EXACTLY the same thing. Keep the Money and Keep Quiet

I really hope you are listening.

I quite like the suggestion someone made earlier or writing off the greedy sisters debt and quietly giving the same amount to your other siblings.

I am sorry for the loss of your GM.

[RivalSibling]

Snowme, I think something as life changing as this is a shock and it does you credit that you are trying to think of how to make the best possible use out of it.

My advice is to leave it until you know exactly how much you are getting, pay off your debts, THEN think about what to do next.

The thing is that money will sort out your money troubles but it won't fix everything in your life. It could even make some things a lot worse. So don't expect too much.

[houseworkhater]

I wouldn't give them anything.

Clear all your debts.

Buy yourself and dcs something, whatever you like, may be a small toy or comic for dcs a bottle of bubbly for you to share with a close friend.
Treat yourself to something rewarding, perhaps go out for a meal with a friend and pay for it.

Then make a financial plan, how much do you need every month that sort of thing.
Then put some money aside for your future and your dcs future.

At the most I would perhaps treat your siblings to a meal but after reading through your posts, I wouldn't feel obliged to do even that.

If I came into money the first thing I would do, after the small treat thing, would be to pay off all my debts, mortgage etc.
Then I would buy a new car and book a good holiday.

I wouldn't dream of giving anything away until i had done all of the above.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - this is what you've told me:

a) Your stepdad didn't treat you like his biological children when it came to his will, leaving you nothing, neither they or your mum felt the need to give you anything from what they inherited

b) your biological mum is also planning on cutting you out of her will and everything will go to the step-siblings, so they will inherit twice. (or is it the case that they inherited your step-dads house but your mum is allowed to live in it until she dies? That would mean she has no choice for any of it to come to you as it's not hers, it's already theirs). There has been no suggestion the other siblings will give you anything in that situation.

c) you have been in hard financial situations and rather than help, your siblings have taken money from you - one sister still owes you money, has made no effort to repay it.

d) your grandparents were not related to your step siblings, had far less to do with their upbringing than your step dad had with you, they were nice to them but wanted to leave their estate to their biological child

e) you are still in a tricky financial situation

My conclusion, there is no reason to give anything to your siblings. At best I might right off the debt my sister had. But keep it to set you up and have some money for your DCs should they want to go to uni.

As said up thread, if you aren't used to having money to save, that you are used to looking at money coming in as something to be allocated to go out again, then it's hard to get your head round not doing the same with this money. You don't have to spend it.

I would hold off giving them anything. I wouldn't tell them how much you got, if they ask, be vague, solicitior fees, mention that you have large debts and they "should" be cleared by this, give the impression it's not a lot.

Think about yoru own DCs, wouldn't it be nice to be able to in 10 years time say "here you go, here's the money for your deposit/wedding/uni" - why should your siblings get that? Will they give your DCs anything out of the money they inherit from your parents?

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - your sister, knowing you were goign to lose the roof over you head, took money from you - this is not someone who would ever put you or your DCs first. You need to do that.

[HazleNutt]

As some other people have suggested, you might benefit from a bit of therapy, to examine why you feel you owe your step-siblings something. When your sister was asking to borrow money while you were being evicted because you didn't have money for rent, why did you feel you had to lend it to her? Why do you even think you should share the inheritance, even though your siblings never shared theirs?

[Chandon]

Op, I would not tell them ypu had inherited, or keep very very quiet.

I would use the money for my own DC or myself.

IME, if you give money they will start out being grateful, then start wondering why they did not get any more?! Then wonder how rich you must be to eb handing out cash, then they will expect more, or ask for loans (!).

Just don't.

If your mum had it intended it for them, it would be stipulated in her will.

My advice is to keep quiet, and use the cash wisely for yourself. It is not as if you are rich and without financial worries.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I honestly wouldn't give them anything.

If you share that money out, through choice, what do you think will happen when you notify the benefits people? Will they consider that you should have kept that money to live on? Will they penalise you for that in the future?

You weren't given anything in one will because you were to be given something in another one.

Now you want to share?

Did they share?

I think that you should clear your debts and have a sum to live off. That's how it was all planned out to be. It's not unfair.

[SummerRainIsADistantMemory]

Dps sister was given a huge some of money as the result of an accident, think closer yo half a million than a quarter. She has 2 brothers. One single and dp with three children.

Dps brother was offered a few thousand but told her he didn't need it, we were given seven thousand (she had planned five thousand but decided at the last minute to give us his share as well).

We were incredibly grateful and overawed at the amount.

For the amount you're discussing I wouldn't expect anyone in their right mind to share it. What you've inherited is less than many peoples annual salary, a nice amount to help you out of a bad financial situation but certainly not enough to go overboard spoiling yourself or yo share out willy nilly.

You really need to readjust your attitude towards these people. Have you considered that their treatment of you probably contributed to the mindset that caused you to end up in a dv relationship.... If you've been treated badly all your life by those who supposedly love you it makes you far more susceptible to accepting bad treatment from a partner.

Wake up and use that same strength you used to leave him to do the right thing for you and your children now. It's your money and they have no legal or moral right to a red cent of it!

[digerd]

The step-siblings inheritance from their father is their business, you have no inheritance from your father, so your grandparents made you their sole heir.
That is all fair.
Your step-siblings will give you none of their inheritance, and you are not obliged to give them any of yours.

I don't see why you think you are obliged to give them anything, especially as one still owes you money .
Spend it all on you and DCs.